Hi , I am going through extreme depressive phase of my life .I was the only child when my parents passed away my care was taken by grand mother and after her death my chacha took the responsibility , he took what my father had treated me with hate and burden , i left home when I cleared my 8 th exam I then lived my life away from only surviving relative , it’s a long story how I managed to survive it was very hard just very hard I managed to get good grades and supported myself by doing odd jobs , thanks to my friend who told me about a piece of land which was left by my grand mother and which my chacha was trying to sell out through fraud , I defended that land from him with the help of my friend and his family and traded that land with his father if he can finance my education , some how time passed and last year I came out of student life as a doctor but the thing which always haunted me was the loneliness I felt all my life , that emptiness was getting stronger day by day , I tried to indulge myself in different activities did over time jobs , namaz everything which a normal man can do to relieve himself of pain and loneliness but I was failed . This feeling is increasing and I think only if I had loving partner in my life than it can get better but to my disappointment nobody wanted me , I was rejected most of the time on the grounds that I dnt own property , I dnt have a big house , most importantly I dnt have a family , I do earn and I do have a small flat where I live but people dnt want this there were people whom I liked so much they all rejected me citing reasons that tm achay insan hu per tmhara koi bara nahi hai WTH life baray k sath guzarni hai ya mery sath ?? I see people flirting , dating , selecting partners for each other and I dnt know how they do this , I dnt have my parents with me and I am not responsible for this , I never had a chance to choose from . I was not asking for anything like property , sex , or what ever demands you may think of , I just wanted someone to live my life with no matter what their past was . I just wanted understanding but people are very materialistic may be , I just ask from you guys where my thinking is wrong , what can I do to improve myself to help myself … This is the first time I wrote my feelings please be kind enough to ignore my mistakes
Re: Lost
did you check our rishta thread?
Re: Lost
Dude, first of all the most alarming is the first line of your post that you are in extreme depression. Its very critical and highly important that you have to get out of that and come in light. Now I know that its terribly hard to come out of that black hole but you have to trust yourself that you can do it. And you will.
See its the happiness which can bring you out of depression. And you cant achieve happiness without efforts. And efforts start from small steps. So start taking them.
Mashallah you are a doc. Thats a great achievement by itself. Your parents in haven must be proud of you. Now you have to make them further proud by taking next steps and reaching other milestones in your life waiting for you.
Now there is nothing wrong with your approach. You have to keep it going. Keep making efforts in the positive direction. Dont worry about the people. They talk BS and you shouldnt take it seriously.
You are just lacking motivation. Get yourself buisy with the things you love. May be you can go for specialization if you like studies. If not, try getting other things done that make you happy. One of them can be setting up a care centre for kids like you were when you ran away. Sometimes a rishta hunt or a life partner is just not the only thing you need. They’ll be there for you in due time. For now, just keep making progress in whatever the way you can.
Re: Lost
InshAllah I will put more effort into points you mentioned and thank you for your kind words
Re: Lost
No I havnt , why ?
Re: Lost
@Alone00 First, I’d just like to say woah, you are one strong person mA! Also if you don’t mind me asking, where do you live?
Re: Lost
I feel you should be more dominant in your interactions with potential rishtas, they probably assume you’re sad and desperate and can be easily pushed around, so you need to stand your ground and be assertive. I know it’s easier said than done and I have no idea what you’ve been through however the first step out of this rut is to get out of your depression.
Re: Lost
Where do you live? Do you have access to mental support? Therapist? Your a dr so I’m sure you know someone who can help you find someone to talk to. You need to do this!!! And as for family, Allah tests us all in different ways. And Allah tests those he loves the most with the most difficult tests. Just be strong. You will find someone when it’s meant to be. In the mean time focus on yourself, Your work and find some hobbies to keep busy
Re: Lost
Thank you for kind words , there are many people who achieve more than me , I dnt reside permanently in one place due to study and work , I currently reside in multan
Re: Lost
I live in multan , I do know professionals and I do carry out sessions on myself as I know how to deal with it but sometimes a void is required to be filled by correct solution which also involve physical approach , I cant simply fill sand in land hole , my hobbies include reading , I know I am not going to find anyone because I cant change my reality and things would go the same as they were always !! Anyway thanks for concern
Re: Lost
I cannot be dominant as what other partner thinks cant be changed on the other hand ! They like me first literally surrender themselves but when they know the reality they change so quickly no matter what I do how I say it wont change them . I try to keep myself very compose both emotionally and physically but ground reality still remains that I dnt own big house , car , family ! They also reject me giving reason that if I was settled abroad than they could ignore what I lack ! Sorry to say but upper class and upper middle class do think like that !
Re: Lost
I am not desperate and I gave them time to make up their mind , they just simply reject , they dnt have a single issue with my personality but they cite reasons for rejection which are not in my control !! I have shown flexibility like I agreed to support their family , I agreed to take responsibility of studies of one of their family member , I was pushed around you are right but I was still rejected , if I stand my ground which I had than they all disliked it that why I was still trying to approach when I am rejected…
Re: Lost
Personally, it sounds to me like you are depressed and need some sort of therapy.
Second, you should try and enlist the help of people you know…there are many people who don’t have anyone in the name of family anymore. They usually find “family” in their friends and those friends eventually find them spouses. That’s what I’ve seen in my experience at least.
Third, rejection is part of life. So what if people reject you? It happens and its okay. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on building yourself right now…marriage will happen when its meant to. Rejection is nothing more than small speed bump along the way.
Re: Lost
Yes it is depressing , my friends unfortunately I dnt have die hard friends , in medical school everybody was from rich families they had their own things going on , I changed places while for study and work so dnt have type of friends you are talking about , I know rejection is part of life I know that but my problem is not depression or rejection but reasons of it ! I am not responsible for those things but I get the consequences …
Re: Lost
Oh ok, thought so. I know in Pakistan, presence of elders in this whole rishta process is heavily weighed. I understand your struggle, submerging yourself in hobbies can only do so much when the real issue is that you are ready to settle down and tired of your old routine. I don’t know what to advise you other than have patience and iA someone who is not caught up in traditions of rishta process will come along. Maybe you can ask a local imam to help you look?
Re: Lost
Did a professional diagnosed that you have depression?
Re: Lost
Yes and I knew that too before diagnosis
Re: Lost
As aqua suggested, talk to your local imam. He might be of help. Try to look for someone who has lost her parents too and is going through the same problem you are while searching for spouse.
Re: Lost
Yes inshAllah !!
Re: Lost
I have couple of friends who are facing similar problems in getting married due to no parents or parents being old/sick/uncooperative. As you mentioned, you also keep moving from city to city, so I’m guessing that would leave you without a permanent social circle so a girl’s family has only your word to know about you. It’s just too much risk from a girl’s family’s perspective. Have some references ready all the time just as you would during a job search.
My single friends have mostly been ostracized by their married friends. The situation gets frustrating and depressing indeed. Those guys want to see/talk to a girl before investing any more time dealing with the families but families want it backwards and especially with guys who have family issues. You are lucky that you are in medical field which predominantly has lots of women, and live in Pakistan - the land of beautiful girls. I’m sure you’ll find someone right for you iA. Just don’t be creepy.
As far as rejection is concerned, you must remind yourself that it’s their right and they don’t need an NOC about the validity of their reasoning. You should be more worried about vetting those who accept you. Like you, I also needed a companion as I was so lonely living far from my family/friends in a foreign country when I started to think about getting married. Shortly after marriage I was lonelier than ever before as I realized I married the wrong person who is just into playing mind games all the time. Be patient, improve yourself as others have suggested and guard your imaan.