Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
1

Hi guys,

Sorry for not being active here more frequently! I’ve been so occupied both mentally and physically! I do appreciate all your efforts in your replies in all my posts and sorry if I don’t reply back to you all Individually! I do read each n everyone of your replies!

Ok, so it’s that time of year again coming, where we “HAVE” to go to pk, although we visit every year! So recently we shifted to a new and bigger place and technically we have no money left to buy tickets for pk! We still need to buy stuff and get house settled! Apparent my hubby doesn’t get it nor does his family! Why do WE have to go? Apparently he promised them that he will spend Eid with them? Why not just explain to his parents that he can’t come
as already during this year, he has sent more then enough money to help them buy a car (even if we had to live in a tight budget) He doesn’t understand savings! And if we do go, it would literally be going on loan!

Ok so back to main issue, as you all know I live away from my parents (5 hours drive) and have toddler! It’s that time of toddlers life, where it’s getting uncontrollable! Throwing tantrums, kicking and screaming! I’ve had it! And top of it all my hubby doesn’t lift a finger for help. And on top his demands! He’s so lazy, all the time on his either laptop or mobile! It can’t be work related 24 hours!

What am I? His wife or servent? He calls me galliyan!! Kutte di puttar, if something doesn’t get done his way! Not just me but to the baby too when she’s crying! I am shocked! He blames me for every single little thing. He has been doing it for so long! More than a year! He calls me almost more then 10 times a day! I need time off to do house chores and cooking and he would start calling me those names because my baby comes to him!

Not only that, he doesn’t give me money! Isn’t it his Fard to provide for me? I feel like being taken for granted, a slave!

There was a time, when I broke down and end up calling police for this emotional abuse! I spoke to the lady police officer and she very kindly helped me to calm down and gave me encouragement! She tried to get out more info out if me regarding his name and whether they should come down knocking into the door. I was scared and told them I just need support and encouragement.

In between my visits to home, I have confided into my mum about his abuse and how sometimes I very badly wanted a divorce! My mum told me not to utter this word again and said it takes time and patience for marriages to be good and stealthy!
And now when we talk on phone, I have stopped telling her about the abuse and told her it stopped. I know she’s worried!

There was a time, when I had enough and called him a ******* to his face because I had enough! He still does. It hurts me!

I have also discovered he has signed for many dating websites! He wants a second wife! Who would want him? When he can’t provide for me? When we haven’t even bought a house and he waste money! Who would marry a man who abuse you, doesn’t give money and doesn’t let her out often to be more social! I am shocked! I m not OK with this!!

I get so jealous of other people’s relationship!

What do I do to teach him a lesson! How badly he has hurt me! Sometimes I wish he die! It’s that bad! How do I stand up to him?

I am so sick of this! Don’t tell me to be independent and blah because I have a kid to look after and I can’t even leave alone with him!

Please help me! I really don’t want to go to pk either!

How do I show him what he is! A monster!

2

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

U should have let police knock on door. Maybe that would have
Helped. Do you really want to raise your daughter in such environment? Just stop depending on him. I know you have a child but you can do something from home eg a clothes business or something at a small scale.

3

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Why would you call the police for emotional abuse or even to seek encouragement/support? How would a step like that have helped you? If anything, it would further strain your marriage and draw unwanted attention to your home and family. Yes, women are more emotional and you were overwhelmed but that wasn't a wise decision on your part. What would "teaching him a lesson" and "showing him what a monster or loser he is" accomplish? If you retaliate by cursing at him or getting revenge, he will just respond aggressively. It'll just be another fighting match.

If both persons have a my-way-or-the-highway attitude, then a marriage won't work. There has to be compromise. You have to try to meet him in the middle and pick and choose your battles. If he is hell bent on going to Pakistan, then you can agree to it but set the condition that the trip be of a shorter duration. There are ways to work around things. There are other ways to socialize besides leaving the home. You can invite friends over and you can talk to them on the phone. With a toddler and a home to take care of, it would be hard for you to go out every single day anyway. But you can discuss with your husband that you'd like to take the little one out to the park or the grocery store or the mall a couple times during the week and maybe he'll be okay with that. Avoid telling him how much money he should or shouldn't send his parents if it pisses him off. He is providing for you in the sense that you've a roof above your head and food on the table and basic needs are being met. If you want some money, then try asking without resentment. It's good to think about the way in which you communicate with your husband. If you are expressing yourself angrily or with sarcasm, or if you often complain about his parents or things that happened in the past, then it'll only fuel his anger.

I'm not defending your husband; his behavior is shameful. And with him logging on to dating websites, it makes me question if he even wants to continue the marriage. Things are hard for you, but he must not be happy either if he's looking elsewhere, so think about what the marriage is lacking from your end. Now, if you have tried many many many times to deal with him araam/pyaar se and he has only gotten worse, then maybe you should tell him that you feel the time has now come to involve your parents.

4

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

I feel so awful that you’re in this situation! And even though you may feel like you’re in the worst position of you’re life, you’re not! It could be worse if he were physically abusing you, or if you guys didn’t have a roof over your head…or even if (evil) MIL was living with ya and making it double-trouble! So just remind yourself it’s not as bad as it could be.

So, your issue on going to Pakistan…can he go solo? You’ll be able to get a breather from his abuse while he’s away. Spend some time in peace. Refocus and strategize. You can make up the excuse that there aren’t enough funds and it’s better he goes alone. If he happens to marry someone while there, file a case and get him booted.

I think it’s time you start enabling yourself to be independent…I know you said you didn’t want to read that! Forget teaching him a lesson…when the time comes he will fall so low, leave it to Allah. You find a way out to make you stronger and leave the filth behind. You will be much happier that way. Don’t focus your life and energy in making it a living hell for him. You have a beautiful toddler, be a happy mom and teach your child the beauty in life!

You asked who will marry him with all his flaws…he’s not telling anyone his flaws. He will be the last to admit that he’s got issues.

It’s okay that you’re jealous of others’ relationships because they have what you want. But, they might be jealous of your health, or beauty, or one thing or another you’ve got that they don’t. So don’t think for a second anyone else’s life is perfect. Be happy with your own…it’s the only one you got, hun.

If you do choose to go Pakistan, are your in-laws neutral or on your side? Maybe they can help mediate the situation? He most likely won’t be open to a public counselor.

I haven’t read your previous threads, so, my advice and feelings pertain to what you have shared on this one. If you feel you may have caused the situation try to remedy it. I hope and pray things go easier for you and Allah gives you happiness, success and khair in this life and the next, Ameen. :flower1:

5

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

The swearing needs to stop. Be the man that he isn't for your daughters sake.

6

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Firstly, if you don't want to go to Pakistan- DON'T GO! Just because HE has to go due to family demands, that doesn't mean you and your baby do. Go spend the time with your parents while he is away as this will also give you some space away from him which it seems like you need.

Secondly, he is required to provide for you and your baby. Your NEEDS come before his family's WANTS. And this needs to be communicated to him. Seek the intervention of elders if he doesn't understand this coming from you.

Thirdly, give him an ultimatum- he quits these dating sites and blatant cheating towards you or else you walk. There is nothing left in a marriage if there is no trust. This is the most very basic of things which you are entitled to and, among other things, he isn't even giving this to you. It's not acceptable. Ask yourself- what are you gaining by remaining with a man who 1) doesn't provide for you or your child, 2) disrespects you 3) cheats on you openly and 4) puts his family's WANTS before you and your child's needs?

You asked how you can teach this man a lesson...to be honest it doesn't seem like anything you will say or do will teach him a lesson. I would advise you to engage the assistance of your elders and put your foot down as well (about going to Pakistan etc).

7

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

No one deserves to live this way! Everytime he curses you & you dont do a thing to stop that abuse a part of you will die till one day u have lost urself completely and u see an abused, lost & sad woman staring urself in the mirror. Is this the way to spend the one life Allah has given you?

Save yourself & ur kid from a life long abuse and leave, itll be difficult at first but is this any easier?

Just visualize ur life 10/15yrs fast forward & make a decision. Sorry but their is no easy/comfortable solution to an emotionally abuse, potentially cheating husband. A decision has to be made, dont shy away from it!

8

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Would informing his parents of his irrational and nasty behaviour help, or you think it would cause mote
problems? Do they know of his habits? Could you not get your own family to intervene.

9

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

I am sorry for my language, but you are living a low life. I think dog lives better than you. You are taking sh!t for no reason, he doesn’t support you financially, he has no soft corner in his heart for his daughter. He spend all money on his parents. He swears you.

I understand pain of divorce, but divorce is also an option for reasons.

Registering multiple dating sites is also last nail in the destruction of your relation. :nook:
What is your expectation ? What is making you live with him?

10

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

What are you doing?

He is trying to cheat on you, despises you, keeps money from you, emotionally abuses you, etc etc etc.

What ARE you doing?

What are YOU doing?

You're a mom now...you're a wife later...a mom first. Is this what you want for your child? This life? Really?

11

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Now this is emotional abuse. I feel very very sad reading this. May Allah help you truly. Why is he swearing at you or yelling? Is he on crack?. Men like that put a bad name to our name. Ok..problems and challenges come..they do. But it is how you deal with em. Do not utter a word which would hurt someone from tongue at least not to your wife/husband. And if he was good person..he would have make amends with you and apologize verbally right away. No shame in that. Because we are human beings at the end of the day. We aren't perfect. But that doesn't mean, this behaviour continues.

And quiet truly, parents who have grown up kids at home...act same. They think, swearing, yelling and shouting would empower their control. Disgusting.

Now you really have to think what you gotta do. Really. I hate and hate to say word divorce. Your parents i am sure are amazing. And sincere parents never ever encourage the daughter to seek divorce unless..this kind of of direct abuse taking place. I am just speechless. I personally know girl's parents on the other hand, they would lie about abuse to get a divorce. And yes..you have many kind of people here.

Him being in mobile or laptop, is the common problem..however, signing into dating websites? really?..while his wife is raising his kid. I don't even a have a word for this.

12

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

I respond to the thread about Men gossip and then I read this thread. Guess there are many other ways to jahannam.

OP, you need to get the elders involved, not just your mom. If he does not see the error of his ways, then be prepared to walk away. I wont say 'be independent' etc, but you have to ask yourself what are you willing to do for your daughter?

13

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Time for a mass family meeting with elders. Write down everything he has done and proof about him going on dating sites and present it to everybody. Wait for the shyte to hit the fan. Rinse and repeat.

Sorry but this is the only way to deal with these characters - publicly zaleel Karo.

14

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

^ agree w/pcg...start gathering your proof now. Be hands on, collect proof about his web visits. Collect copies of pay stubs, receipts of purchases, etc. If your case ends up in divorce court you have a solid win. Utter no word to him about collecting proof and having divorce as an option. The best revenge (as you want) is a cold blow out of nowhere.

15

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Get out of this marriage. Now.

16

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Don't go to Pakistan
tell him to go alone as you don't have money
And if he takes loan tell him the same and that you won't be paying back his loan if something happens so will not travel on that loan
Move back to your mum for a while saying will move back out once he is back from Pakistan
If anyone from pakistan ask of you why not visiting, tell them the financial state as you have written here or the rest of his behavior

17

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Could be that his family has high expectation from him thus driving him nuts and he is venting on you guys

18

Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

Firstly he cant force you to get on that flight and you dont have to agree to it. If he wants to go let him go.

No offense hes on dating sights etc swears at you jnfront of your kid (who absorb info like a sponge!!) and youre letting him get away with it. Put your foot down. Tell your parents. Sorry but they have a duty to also support you maybe if yoh tell them whats happening and keep proof of his dating websites etc. sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. Sorry but you do need to be more indepedent for the sake of your child and your own sanity! Leave!

19

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

What a scumbag.

20

Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!

It's never easy, what most people will tell, would be worldly tactical way around it.

Facts straight, he's wrong, in many ways, he shouldn't abuse you, physically or mentally. He's isnt supportive bringing up the toddler and finances, but will he remain the same, no one knows!

Is he more of strategist like you? Prolly Not! Sometimes, for some people, it really takes them to touch a fire to see if it's really hot.

What have you done right so far? Not allowed the police to knock on the door!

Should you go to Pakistan and borrow loan? Yes and be happy about it.

Start praying to God more often, seeking help. Recite Gods name "Ya Raouff'o" more.

You should discuss this more with some one whos more supportive morally, (your mom, brother, sister)

I am not a religious person, but I am telling you what's been proven to work.

On the other hand, start your self assessment, what you can improve with-in, what will be your sole responsibility, and what are your current positives that can help you turn tables around.

Screwing up is easy, no body else gives damn what happens to your life! So own it!