Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Main question is what do you want? Do you want an exit? do you want to give one last chance? is there an "other side of the story"? do you have exit strategy like what will you do once you are out of this?
Depending on what you want , you have to take different paths with one thing in common i.e that this abuse should stop and should stop asap.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
is there an "other side of the story"? .
Good question.
On the other hand, start your self assessment, what you can improve with-in, what will be your sole responsibility, and what are your current positives that can help you turn tables around.
t!
The bolded words above. Thank you for bringing this point up because others hadn't. Self-reflection and assessment is necessary in relationships. I've read Op's former threads and while I admit that her in-laws can be infuriatingly difficult people, she hasn't always exercised the best judgment either and that has resulted in the fueling of drama and not the diffusing of it. In her former threads members pointed out the mistakes she made from her end where she turned minor things into emotional/verbal battles. And we all have done this. All of us have lost control and sight of things at various times. I'm not suggesting that husband is more right or that she is more wrong. It's disturbing what she's shared about him. But in the past her main source of contention has been her in-laws, especially FIL. So, I wanna to know since when and how and why did things with husband begin to unravel? So, it's necessary for OP to assess her self and whether or not there are things that she is saying or doing that are contributing to the distance between her and husband. Because even if she were to divorce him and marry another guy, unless she self-assesses and improves upon her own faults, she'll be taking them into the next relationship and same goes for husband and any second marriage he might be dreaming of.
I remember that we 'had to' go to Pakistan every year when I was growing up. There were in-laws mom would rather never see, but it had to be done. There are things we have to do out of formality and to maintain our relationships. And when we can't get out of them, then we can try to reach a middle ground and that middle ground could be a condensed visit. If both husband and wife will stubbornly adhere to their opposing wishes, then how does that help? Try to reach a middle ground.
Giving gaaliyan is a despicable habit; no denying that. But there are many many desi moms (even in my own family) who will give gaaliyan to their own kids in anger. Does this warrant severing the parent-child bond forever and sending the kid to social services? I don't think so. Yes, it's very, very, very hurtful and damaging but I don't think gaaliyan alone is enough to cry divorce.
Now signing up for dating websites is worrying; it's infidelity. It requires immediate attention. I question how did OP find out about the sites? Does he husband really truly want a second marriage when he is financially weak or is that just OP's assumption? Does her husband maybe speak of a second marriage to rile up his wife, to scare her, to manipulate her? We don't know.
There are many things we don't know and OP hasn't come back to the thread with further details. Rather than suggest that she waste no time in slapping husband with a divorce and becoming independent, she should approach the situation carefully and think about it from all angles. Talk to husband first without aggression. If that doesn't work then tell him that it's time to involve her parents. He might wake up after hearing that. If not, then involve the parents. But don't rush a divorce just yet or act in haste or retaliate with aggression. Slow down.
The other good point that Bakhabar made is about ibadat. Yes, we're all busy with work and household chores and running after kids to the point that we dont even pray much less do a wird of Ya Raufo. People are spiritually deficient or sick and that can manifest itself into problems in the interpersonal sphere. The ibadat that we do, the dhikr we recite even as we're walking about is supposed to help keep us calm and bring blessings in our homes and hopefully within ourselves. Many of us don't do that on a regular basis and we find ourselves prostrating and praying and rolling the tasbih only after problems/calamaties happen.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Do you want to continue this marriage or try to keep it going? Either answer has a different solution and you need to do some soul searching. You must also understand that there's a very good chance your parents will not support you. If you choose to stick to it then you can't live with the miraculous hope he will change when your patterns are so set. He acts and you react in an infinite loop for as long as you live so something needs to change. I think going for solo cousniling sessions might help you vent and come to a conclusion regarding what you want to do next.
Also now that you have a daughter would you like her to be in the same kind of marriage as you? By staying with him you are giving your daughter an example which she will follow unconsciously.
There are millions of desi women in marriages like this who have taught the next generation that by accepting abuse they will be virtuous and accepted by society. Don't be a martyr by supporting an immoral man. Being passive and being stuck in this routine is not going to help. Make a game plan either with a councillor or an impartial elder (not your parents, maybe a mosque leader) so you have long term goals which are not clouded by your anger. You can't sit and wait because you will crack and you need to stay in control if not for you but your daughter.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
I would advise you to try and get elders involved, and take it from there. Both sides.
Try and hopefully you can fix things.
If people start divorcing on any issues pretty soon the Muslim households would be same as other households.
I don't know why many posters right away telling OP to seek divorce rather than first to try and resolve things through dialogue and love. Specially when there is a kid involved.
Remember, this same society does not look favourably to divorced women. Yup, wohi dovorce kay mashwaray denay walay loag baad mein kehtay hain ke humara kya kasoor hai, usko khud sochna chahiya tha, etc etc
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
:k:
In some cases divorce is the better course of action for the couple and their child/ren. So, sometimes divorce is justified. It’s understandable for members, especially women, to be angered by Op’s husband. But they have to slow down and understand that OP is an emotional and vulnerable state and that’s very evident from her post. So for respondents to also become jazbaati and gung-ho while advising an already jazbaati Op whose story is in want of some missing details can be potentially harmful. We belong to a culture where despite the spike in failed marriages, divorce continues to be a stigma for women. The single lot is struggling to find rishtay and it’s even more challenging for those who are divorced AND have a child. There is much that Op has to think about and figure out. All the more reason for everyone to slow down.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Have you tried talking to his parents? Tell them you have certain expenses of your own? Tell them he is having trouble providing for you and the baby?
It could be that he doesn't tell you, but these are the very things stressing him out yet he feels he has to provide not only for you but also for the family back home? As for the dating website part - stress and pressure make us do stupid things.
Divorce is there as an option but you want to try everything else first. I have seen people regret their divorces! They know deep down, something could have been done to avoid it. Do you want to be that person? Above all, you have a baby and the baby needs both parents in a healthy environment.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Have you tried talking to his parents? Tell them you have certain expenses of your own? Tell them he is having trouble providing for you and the baby?
I doubt that strategy would work; I suspect it may backfire on her big time. She doesn't share a good equation with her in-laws. If you read her last thread about her FIL and the the time he came to stay with them, you'll get an idea. My guess is that if she were to speak to them, they'd take offense to it and complain to their son that, "your wife doesn't want you giving us a single penny."
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
I doubt that strategy would work; I suspect it may backfire on her big time. She doesn't share a good equation with her in-laws. If you read her last thread about her FIL and the the time he came to stay with them, you'll get an idea. My guess is that if she were to speak to them, they'd take offense to it and complain to their son that, "your wife doesn't want you giving us a single penny."
I did not, yeah.
That really sucks. Get someone involved though, I'd say. If it helps, without a fight, go to your parent's house just to give yourself some time to cool off and think about what needs to be done.
How's the communication between both of you? Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel about everything? How does he respond? Does he care?
If the house chores are too much and your husband doesn't help you with it - leave it, don't do it! I'm serious. When he asks you you didn't cook anything - tell him you were tired or not feeling well and there's no one to help you.
Try offering him this solution - you are going to find a job! Your parents will be coming to take care of the baby. Just try and see if he gets the idea that you are not simply happy with the way he just doesn't care.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
seriously, no good men left. I see it everyday, mom bringing their kids to pediatrician whereas dad is whoring around or is just a lazy bum or inflicting an abuse on them. Where are all the good men? I think they are dieing out
Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
So he have money to send to family back home and buy car but he don't have money for his wife. Why do such men get married???
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Get the elders in the family involved. He is not going to just change, you are going to have to be very clear about whats acceptable and what is not . If he does not respect you enough to care about what your okay with than for the sake of your child you are going to have make some difficult decisions. The fact that he has signed up for dating sites, really gives the impression he does not respect the marriage much. It's best if you talk to him,be very clear about things , let him know you wont put with abuse etc.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
Why would you call the police for emotional abuse or even to seek encouragement/support? How would a step like that have helped you? If anything, it would further strain your marriage and draw unwanted attention to your home and family. Yes, women are more emotional and you were overwhelmed but that wasn't a wise decision on your part. What would "teaching him a lesson" and "showing him what a monster or loser he is" accomplish? If you retaliate by cursing at him or getting revenge, he will just respond aggressively. It'll just be another fighting match.
If both persons have a my-way-or-the-highway attitude, then a marriage won't work. There has to be compromise. You have to try to meet him in the middle and pick and choose your battles. If he is hell bent on going to Pakistan, then you can agree to it but set the condition that the trip be of a shorter duration. There are ways to work around things. There are other ways to socialize besides leaving the home. You can invite friends over and you can talk to them on the phone. With a toddler and a home to take care of, it would be hard for you to go out every single day anyway. But you can discuss with your husband that you'd like to take the little one out to the park or the grocery store or the mall a couple times during the week and maybe he'll be okay with that. Avoid telling him how much money he should or shouldn't send his parents if it pisses him off. He is providing for you in the sense that you've a roof above your head and food on the table and basic needs are being met. If you want some money, then try asking without resentment. It's good to think about the way in which you communicate with your husband. If you are expressing yourself angrily or with sarcasm, or if you often complain about his parents or things that happened in the past, then it'll only fuel his anger.
I'm not defending your husband; his behavior is shameful. And with him logging on to dating websites, it makes me question if he even wants to continue the marriage. Things are hard for you, but he must not be happy either if he's looking elsewhere, so think about what the marriage is lacking from your end. Now, if you have tried many many many times to deal with him araam/pyaar se and he has only gotten worse, then maybe you should tell him that you feel the time has now come to involve your parents.
omg. please...just stop.
you have no idea what you're talking about.... its this kind of "compromise beta compromise" mentality that keeps women in crappy situations all their lives..... this is all good advice IF at least both parties are sane and rational human beings, and in this case, one is clearly not.
and for those asking to get elders involved.....why? for permission? She's old enough to have gotten married and had a child and lived with him, why do adults need to get involved when half the time, they're clearly the problem?
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
It doesn't matter if your partner is 70% at fault and you are only 30% in the wrong. Mature person will not just zero in on their partner's 70%, they will reflect over their own mistakes that are contributing to that 30%. And after having read her former posts and also considering the fact that she's been MIA ever since she's opened this thread and that there are missing details in her dilemma, I do not want to say with 100% gung-ho confidence that OP is and always has been the 'rational' partner in her marriage and that husband is a thorough kameena and she should divorce him. Just because OP is emotional in her post doesn't mean that we should also get emotional and advise in her in black n white absolutes.
You don't have to involve elders for their permission or aashirwaad. You can also do it to get their perspective and to inform them of a major step you're thinking of taking. It is not easily to totally isolate your parents from your life. Her parents don't know about him n the dating sites, so her parents don't have their entire perspective on her marriage. If she tells them EVERYTHING, they may think differently about their daughter's situation. She can't hide her marital problems from her parents forever. Even if she decides to divorce him, she will still have to inform her parents. Even if she decides to live separately from him, where will she stay if she has no job and not enough of her own savings to get her own place? She may have to depend on her parents and in doing so she'll have to tell them about her problems because they're gonna want to know. The point is that no matter what course of action she decides upon, she will have to inform her "elders" eventually. At least that way parents will not bug Rose with the lamentation that "Betaaa If only we had tried talking to him too, then maybe you'd still be married today." They won't annoy her with "what if" regrets. Instead they'll think, "Our daughter tried everything. And we tried our best too. This guy has only shown that he's a loser who doesn't give a damn about her n his kid so we have no regrets about Rose ending the marriage. Good riddens! "
My goal or wish is not to have OP's marriage result in divorce. It could be that her husband is 100% blameworthy. I'm not interested in being right or wrong about him; I don't gain anything from it. I just want her to slow down and make her decision after careful deliberation. If you wanna divorce him, then do it. I'm not barring you from it. It's your life and your right; your decisions have no impact on me. They will only impact Rose n her child. So whatever path she decides to take, just do it after much, much, careful and thorough assessment.
Re: Loosing the plot! Had it enough!!
People don't always cheat because there's something lacking from their marriage, some simply do it for the thrill..
Also saying her needs are being met because she has a roof over her head and food on the table and imply she should be happy because of that is setting the bar a bit low, isn't it? Marriage should be about trust and respect, not just being provided shelter and food as if you're some stray off the street..
She has already told her Mum a bit of the story and there didn't seem to be much practical help.. I keep seeing stories of girls telling their Mums their husbands are cheating or contacting women and the answer is 'marriage takes time'.. or 'have a baby'.. This is not aimed at the OP but I am so fed up of girls basically being told to put up and shut up.. Be smart.. If you're not studying or working get back to it.. Give yourself other options so you aren't going to find yourself totally dependent on a husband who doesn't give a **** about.. Don't let yourself get cornered or resign yourself to being stuck in a miserable/dead/sham marriage.. Divorce shouldn't be taken lightly but at the same time it should be an available option for those who need it..