My sister is about 17 years old. She is only 1.5 years younger than me. She has been seeing this guy for over 3 years now. I’ve caught her and I have talked to her about it numerous times over the past 2 years. Now I’m away in uni while she is in school with no one except my parents to keep an eye on her at school. My friends who are still back home tell me that they often see her with that guy.
And I don’t know what to do about it?
I have never had any sort of relationships with any girl - thanks to my mothers upbringing, and therefore I expect the same from my sister. But for some reason she is the complete opposite. Even though we have had a similar scenario with my elder sister when she was in school, my younger sis did not learn anything. My elder sis has learned her lesson and will not repeat her mistake. I’m not a conservative guy in the sense that I have numerous friends who are girls and I hang out with them but I have never gone into a relationship with anyone. I have always treated them as friends. I think that is cool but clearly it seems that I am the only one who has self-control.
The first time I caught my younger sis I was really pissed and I told her not to hang out with the guy again otherwise I would tell my parents. However she knows that I will NEVER tell my parents about her because:
1 - my dad is a blood pressure patient, is extremely honest human being mashAllah and will probably get a heart attack if he finds out that his little daughter secretly cuddles with another guy.
2 - my mom is a cancer victim who allhumdullilah survived and she believes that she has given her all to her kids so if she finds out that they have done something wrong instead of finding a solution she’ll go crazy about how her kids went towards the wrong path even though she survivedthrough cancer just for us.
SO I CANNOT TELL MY PARENTS ANYTHING.
Initially I thought her relationship with the guy will break up like all teenage relationships but it is now over 3 years!!! I am scared. 3 years is a long time and I don’t know what to do about it.
My younger sister knows that I will never do anything and it has come to a point where I told her if she wants hang out with him, then she should at least do it in such a manner that no one else finds out.
But apparently, people know my sis and her bf as a very cute couple!
As you said she knows you are not goin to do anythin about it, so thats why she is not bothered. but ask yourself this....what are u trying to acheive? her to split up with guy because you dont want her to be with someone, or for her to be more discreet?
She will carry on doing this no matter what, if she splits with this guy, on ur command, which i doubt she will, she'l only go and get with someone else.
The worst thing you can do is start pointin the finger about where she is goin wrong. maybe, just maybe, the relationship is decent and meaningful. wudnt it be better that she is able to speak to you rather than fight u.
brothers have a tendency to act like dads. just speak to her decently about the guy, like ur genuinely interested in her life. then make her understand that ur happy if shes happy but she needs to keep an eye out for ppl so she isnt caught and that someone else doesnt tell ur parents.
she may think u wont tell ur parents but make her realise that if shes seen then someone else may.
Is the guy of decent fammily? Is he from simmilar culture? Race or creed?
If so then there not so much of a Problem accept it as fate and then see if they can be helped to stick together Mash Allah perhaps that was destiny?
However problems start when the guy in question is an outsider…
In matters of love it is always a grey area… In my personal view so long as the couple are in true love for one another and can agree on culture race and creed then fine fate has to be considered and that is the way things are so let it continue and maybe they should marry.
If however the guy is total outsider then suddenly you hit rock bottom having to fight many fronts, first you have to convince the parents… I f both sides agree then nothing can stop hapiness… society and culture can be made to accept. However if one sides parents are against it then even if culture and society were okay then still you’ll be facing a hard climb.
My advise to you is simple now… find out more about the guy and girl are thier feelings so strong that they cannot be changed if so find a middle ground and find a solution.
If the Girl and Guy are both Muslim then i myself would see no problem… i am not the sort that would make a fuss if a Prince were to marry a pauper or the other way round so long as thier love was true…
If Allah forgbid the Girl was Muslim and the Guy Christian then i would find it too difficuilt and dare not think what to do perhaps shoot myself or someone else… (but thats just me)
However if the Guy can be persuaded or out of choice is decent enopugh to accep Islam then still i will be inclined to agree so long as he seems honest enough…
However this is a delicate situiation and without knowing anymore i cannot say anymore as in which way to proceed.
When you say others know about the relationship are they fammily members and friends or just general society?
I don't believe in teenage relationships. I believe in relationships though, but once you have accomplished certain things in your life.
My perspective is: work hard, make your parents proud, once you accomplish whatever they want and when you can lead an independent life then go do whatever the hell you want. (well of course I don't mean this literally - I mean go into relationships, but there are those basic limits, find someone who you are compatible with - muslim of course)
Plus I don't like the guy that much, I find him to be a "chichorah"........well in truth I don't know him that well - so I guess I should I find out more about him.
But still.....love at the age of 17.....pleaaaassseeee..... this is waaaaay toooo bollywood.
I think that at the age of 17, she has better things in life to focus on such as education, family.....rather than teenage love.
^ Again the difference in background here is way too startling for me… i am to all intents an purposes a tribesman Albeit a slightly educated one but i have lived more by my wits than by schooling.
Anyway i understand in the Modern world what your saying makes sense in life make a platform first be able to stand on your own feet before you get married.
Back home it was different for me… it is not uncommon for rishtay over there to be sorted out before the children are even born…
But in the west it’s different.
My advice is that find out more about the guy… thank Allah the situation is not too bad so far… At seventeen for a person to form a relationship is not uncommon that is actually the best age. However it’s all very deep this…
Your perspective and mine are very simmilar even though we are worlds apart…
However you must also remmber that your sister has a heart and at this age things are very delicate. However one day she too must go to another home… as a brother i would do my best to ensure that was a good home… I see her as my sister too.
Find out more about the other fellow and his fammily if they are decent then get some assurances from them.
That is the way i would try it anyway.
But alas this is complicated and i advise you to teread carefully and balance things out well.
Its me backward person while spending most of my life outside the home I still have my moral values with me…
anyway i was just asking from the person so that i can give him some reply as per the situation and country …
people are fools who call us backwards… we are the ones who struggle for our kaum to advance and we are at the front line everyday…
Typicall of people to call us backwards when we are the ones who are most forward thinking oh the irony!
With regards to the sitiuation in the original topic i’m sure even though wee are both backwards we can still give advice…
Just speak what your heart says and at the end of the day let the original poster be the judge of our advice. I have already given mine now lets hear others.
First of all, this should not be titled "loose sister" because u haven't caught her with different guys. ITS ONE BOY am I right?? Okay so she is in a relationship with a boy and yes she's been caught but thats only because she wants to or is contemplating spending her life with this kid. The reality is that u you have to come to terms with the fact that this is what shes chosen for herself. Apparantly shes been with him for a while and she will say anything to get you off her back. You might as well accept it and perhaps have your sister kind of be in her life to guide her through this relationship she has with this guy. Maybe make her feel safe to come and talk to you about him than hide a big chunk of personal life from you. If he really is a crapfest of a guy, talking about him, analyzing little things in her relationship might make her see he is no good for her, or you might realize he really cares for this girl. If u surf around the life forum on GS, there are myriad of threads started by people who are in horrible relationships and isn't it better to have ur sister be happy with a guy she loves and a guy who loves her and respects her than CHOOSE a huband for her, lwho might ater on treat her like crap. Just because she is your sister doesn't mean her set of beliefs are an exact replica of your set of beliefs. Accept that and keep the lines of communication open. It really will make a world of difference.
P.S It's rare but a friend of mine met her husband when she was 15 and against all odds, without the presence of his family, they got married and are happily married with a kid and they still love each other to bits and pieces. People thought they were stupid little kids in love and did everything to break them but sometimes the heart knows. She isn't a loose sister lol.. shes a girl in love.
I agree to a certain extent with Devil above ^
I think she's at an age where she knows pretty well right from wrong. If she has been with this guy for 3 years, I don't think they are breaking up any time soon unless they both go off to college in different cities.
I know as the older brother it is tough for you to just let it go but you will need to do so and act as a confidant rather than a bully.
If they're still serious after they turn 18 and want to spend the rest of their lives together, then I say get them hitched :D
If the guy is a chichora and he moves to another city to go to college then he'll break it off more than likely.
I think the title is a bit misleading. Also, while I understand your perspective on relationships and agree, I do think you should try to get to know the guy...
u said u caught htem twice, did u ever get to know him? If they've been together 3 years, maybe they should get married?
try to find out everything about this guy. what he does for living? where he lives? how many siblings he has? how he earns his livelihood? about his parents? and if everything sounds reasonable ask him to send his rishta for her, say that in front of your sister.
chances are he will say "NO".
if he turns out to be total jerk, confront your sister...ask her that whether she wants to marry him or not? if she want to marry him then ask her to propose him, but do tell her everything about the guy. if she wants to ruin her life and also respect that your parents earned then she better decides now than later.
she definitely has to make some important choices here.
ps. also ask her to look for work now, cuz after marrying him at least he cant fullfill her lovey dovey and diamond-gold-posh house- cars demands
we knew that going to elders was not going to accomplish anything except make them more worried and sick so we invited the couple in question over, sat them down and asked them what their intentions were.
since the couple I am talking about was of mixed religion we asked if one was going to convert as this would be required. we made it very clear that the family has expectations and we also explained the circumstances and consequences of potential choices they could make.
then we gave them a deadline in which to go off, like adults, and make their decisions.
because the couple were both in their mid-twenties we got good results........
if I were you I would do the same thing with your sister.......the only thing that worries me is that she has been with this same person for 3 years....and if she is 17 now then she was 14 when they met? that's a bit too young for my liking......she needs some stronger guidelines and enforcement. how are her grades? what does she plan to study? how does she spend spare time?
Albeit a slightly educated one but i have lived more by my wits than by schooling.
while spending most of my life outside the home I still have my moral values with me…
