Well I got arranged married to this guy 6 months ago and well I’m concerned about our ‘connection’. Basically I chatted with him for a month, met him for 5 days and got married and then he went back to his city for work (in pakistan) and I came back to Canada. I really couldn’t judge from those 5 days whether we were compatible or not and when I got back here there were alot of issues. It started with lectures and him objecting to the way I do things, there were communication issues. I couldn’t communicate what I wanted to, and I’m sure on his side it was the same. Things got so bad that I suggest separation twice (cause I can’t handle marriage and long distance) and the second time we even got the khula papers ready.
The thing is this guy never once raised his voice at me, and put up with all of my bull****. He stayed cool and calm and tried to work out the problems with me and even when I refused and told him I was gonna get the divorce done, he still had hope I would change my mind. All because he wanted to save his relationship and avoid the breakdown of two families. Like he really is a good guy.
My issue is whether or not we will have a connection cause online over text or skype we don’t. It is such a chore to talk through electronic devices. I was wondering for those of you who have had long distance relationships, does it get better when you are together with the person in person?
What is this 'connection' everyone keeps referring to? If he agrees with everything you say/do then you'll feel 'connected'?
Long distance is generally hard for anyone plus you are newly married, try to sort out the issues that are bothering you and try to reach a medium which suits both of you.
It will work ONLY if both of you are willing. One person no matter how hard he/she tries won't help.
What is this 'connection' everyone keeps referring to? If he agrees with everything you say/do then you'll feel 'connected'?
Long distance is generally hard for anyone plus you are newly married, try to sort out the issues that are bothering you and try to reach a medium which suits both of you.
It will work ONLY if both of you are willing. One person no matter how hard he/she tries won't help.
connection =
having stuff in common
being able to carry a conversation without the awkwardness
having a good time when we are together
Why did you marry him if you weren't comfortable? How was it when you chatted before marriage?
To me it just feels like people are looking for some magic to happen...you see someone and BAM! you feel connected (generalising here). Things take time, commitment and hard work.
You say that you chatted with him for a month, so I am curious...how did those conversations go? Did you not connect with him during those chats?
It's good that you are able to see his positive qualities as well as recognize your own mistakes...in that maybe you've been quick to anger, or impatient, etc. This can help you to check yourself. When will he be moving to Canada or could you take some time off from work to visit him? You both must have spent some amount of time together after the wedding before you returned to Canada...what was that like?
You say that you chatted with him for a month, so I am curious...how did those conversations go? Did you not connect with him during those chats?
It's good that you are able to see his positive qualities as well as recognize your own mistakes...in that maybe you've been quick to anger, or impatient, etc. This can help you to check yourself. When will he be moving to Canada or could you take some time off from work to visit him? You both must have spent some amount of time together after the wedding before you returned to Canada...what was that like?
Well my university closes in May, so I may get to travel with him around August if I save up enough money. I haven't sponsored him yet but it could take anywhere from 2-3 years.
The conversations in the beginning were good. I am kinda guessing cause that's like due to the infatuation phase? You know in the beginning where everything is lovey lovey. Honestly though I wasn't even who I am now, six months ago. I was very deep in an eating disorder with severe self esteem issues and was focused on silly things like how I looked or what not. I didn't really appreciate the time we shared. Like I would be with him, but worry about other stuff. Thinking back the time we spent together wasn't too bad, but there wasn't no insta connection. I'm 20, so 6 months back I really wanted that insta connection. There was a whole language gap, as well as I wasn't really my full self around people because of my ED, it's hard to describe.
Why did you marry him if you weren't comfortable? How was it when you chatted before marriage?
To me it just feels like people are looking for some magic to happen...you see someone and BAM! you feel connected (generalising here). Things take time, commitment and hard work.
I tried to get out of the marriage cause I knew I wasnt ready but then 'baat paki' ho chucki thi, so withdrawing from it was a NO.
I don't know what to say. I feel it's more unfair toward him especially if he wasn 't aware of your ED and other problems that might have clouded your judgment prior to marrying him. Also, how could you experience that heady, lovey-dovey, infatuated stage if by your admission you were paying more attention to your issues at the time than you were to him and who he is as a person. How can you say those conversations were "good" if your mind was on other things at that time? And has his conversation style changed since then? If it was "good" then, why isn't it good now? You admit that you have changed as a person, but what about him has changed your perception of him from "good" to blah?
Baat pakki is not the equivalent of a nikkah. An actual engagement is a much bigger deal than a baat pakki and people have been known to break rishtas at that point...so the baat pakki is not the best excuse.
What exactly are your issues with him? Be more specific when you say that you don 't click with him. Are you asking him open-ended questions? Not the kind that only require a one-word answer but that kind that will get him to think and speak more. Does he reciprocate such questions? Do you try to joke around with him.. Initiate playfulness or banter? When we make up our mind about someone...it'll influence the way we behave with them. If you have decided that you don't want to be with him, you'll have this mental block that will prevent you from trying to connect with him. If you want to give your marriage another shot... You'll have to try to get rid of that block.
What are your expectations of him? When he says that he wants to make the marriage work, he's not a mind reader. You may have to tell him what changes you expect from him.
Also, if you have come out of your eating disorder and now have more confidence than before......did this produce a change in your sense of humor, your moral values, your belief system, your interests, etc? If these things have remained the same ... Then are you on the same page with him on some of those things? You're only 20 so are you afraid that marriage will get in the way of your academic/ career/ personal goals? If so, then maybe discussing these fears with him will help put you at ease.
You're just 20. I don't know if the connection that you're waiting for is filmy magic that does not exist or flowing conversation. Sometimes a connection doesn't happen instantly, you have to nurture it. If you don't try then even good chemistry can die. Honestly you're too young to be making mature decisions. A couple of years more and you would have realised that the fiery hot connection dies out just as fast.
I havent read all the responses but I think at 20, you're mentally not too mature. I think you're quick to judge. He sounds slightly more mature than you. Unless there is something in his personality which is bothering you alot that you think might impair your relationship with him when you two live together, do not divorce. Long distance is always difficult as there are communication problems. I think you will mature alot mentally as a woman in 3-4 years time & will have better judgement about people. If he is a good natured guy otherwise & not a trouble maker or some other scary personality issues (verbally abusive, disrespect of women, not faithful, etc.), try to work your differences with him. You will be thinking quite differently at 25.
People are very different online than in person. My fiance SUCKS at talking online/texting and even though our marriage is not arranged, we've had issues come up when we've been separated (we go to school together but our families are from opposite sides of the country). If I take those interactions seriously, then our marriage definitely would not be happening. But as we've gotten to know each other, we've worked through it and now he's getting better. All I'm saying is, internet/skype communication leaves a lot to be desired and the other person (or you, who knows) may not be entirely comfortable using that medium so it's translating across as awkward. Also, keep in mind that you guys only chatted for a month, and then you went there and got married. How much can you really have to talk about? Lovey dovey conversations don't last too long and you don't know each other well enough yet to have full on hour long convos about anything, I would think. If that's what you're worried about, things will be better when you're together and live together and have mutual experiences you can discuss. Right now, he probably doesn't know or care about what your friends are upto and you barely know his family/friends, am I right?
This guy seems to be trying to make it work and by your own admission, he's a good guy. Don't let something like this end because you think there's no chemistry. Chemistry isn't real--at least not in the way we see it in movies. The man I'm marrying and I were friends for a bit--there were no sparks or "ah-ha" moment. We kind of just fell into "dating" and now we're getting married; it wasn't Bollywood style love or anything like that by any means so if you're trying to look for that, chances are you'll be disappointed.
if you really think that your previous issues with ED and stuff are causing the awkwardness/miscommunication, then maybe open upto him a little bit--he's your husband, after all. I'm not saying to just put everything out there but let him know. I have problems with PMDD (not trying to be funny) to the point where I was picking fights with my fiance and crying all the time around that time of the month. He finally got frustrated and asked me if I was unhappy with the relationship and the way things were going because I seemed so miserable and I finally told him the truth. It worked out because now he knows what's happening and understands why I'm doing the things I'm doing. This is someone you're spending the rest of your life with (hopefully), he deserves to know why you're acting the way you are.
You have been married to him, you should take that very seriously and almost getting divorced is not seriously. However you are still young. My suggestion would be to do ur best to give it a go. Get the visa process started soon as u can and try and organise visits. He is your husband after all.
However it seems like you may want to end this.
Whether you pull the plug or down the track, its not gonna be good. it will however get worse the more u delay it.
Unless ofcourse you really give it a chance. But what are the odds of that? Good luck.
Not to sound braty but I have done long distance for a long time and when I say long, I mean longgggggggggg time and we ended up marrying him as well so I'm just going to ask u two questions:
Do you genuinely love him or feel even a bit attracted towards him? If he were in the same city as urs do u think you would be happier & ur relationship would have been fine?
(The reason I ask this is cuz in the 14 year long distance i had whenever we had issues, it wasn't because of the distance but because I was unhappy with myself or a particular situation i was in or when I started having feeling for someone else (yup we have seen our share of downs!) BUT we got through it all because I realized 'distance' is only an excuse and I shouldn't hide my weaknesses and pretend its the long distance relationships fault. I have learnt that if u want to make something work, if ur hearts in it..u can make it work no matter what!
Also urs is not just any relationship, u guys are married so I suggest focus on the good in him. You will fall in love with him eventually)
If your issues or outbursts are because of network issues, or Skype not working or time differences or any such online petty stuff..ignore it! Technology has its way to get on ur last nerve so keeping those aside Iist down ur real issues (yes get a paper & a pen and list them down) and see which ones arising from your end and can be solved! The ones from his end talk to him about it in a 'talking' manner & not a 'fighting' manner!
I think you should give ur marriage a little more time & keep working on it. Everyone faces problems..some at the start of the marriage and some later down the years, u can't feel opting out is an option all the time & u need to stop suggesting it that frequently specially if he is trying hard to save the marriage.
Honestly marriage is hard work and it sounds like u r trying to deal with the fact that u r now 'married' and its proving to be a Lil bit if a struggle..long distance just happens to be a reason u can put on the surface to justify it. That's just my point if view..I can be wrong
Also during this time keep yourself sourounded with positive people. Any friends or family that suggest to break it of..keep them away! Positive energy is important. Divorces have become common so friends think it is fine to suggest it as soon as sh*t hits the fan & mind u they are the first one to disciss u like a case study/gossip at the first desi gathering BUT remember they won't be living with it..u will so this decision should be urs and urs ONLY!
You sound a bit young so I'll guess u are 23-24? Therefore I hope whatever decision you take is well thought of and even if it ends u know in ur heart that u tried ur 1000% because life can't garuntee that after this if u ever go onto marry someone else that marriage wouldn't require some adjustments?
You are already married so don't keep on asking yourself if there will ever be a "connection". First priority for both of you should be to live together. From what you have wrote, I can easily assume that he is a guy who was brought up in Pakistan and he objects on things and way you do the things just because that's how he feels about them (because of cultural difference). Marriage is a long process. It takes years for couples to develop a real connection where there opinion on things and matters start becoming same. I would say, stay into your marriage, live together and then I am sure it will be much better. Things are different online vs. real life.
You got married to a guy after 1 month of chatting and now possibly looking for separation after 6 months of marriage and living far? and your observation is that guy probably is a good guy.
Why do u want divorce? Did you run out of your free WhatsApp subscription or what?
PS: There is no such thing as "long distance relationship". Relationship is just relationship. If you are having trouble communicating to him on phone/email/chat/sms, you will probably struggle in person too. Most of the love birds assume that if they are far, that means they should be communicating 25 out of 24 hours to keep the "relationship" going which actually is not true.
clearly...based on all the issues posted on this forum, it can be inferred women these days really mess up relationship more than a fair percentage of the time.
the issue is the ikhlaaq. not a tactical issue of "how to solve this problem" only
clearly...based on all the issues posted on this forum, it can be inferred women these days really mess up relationship more than a fair percentage of the time.
And what is the ratio of female to male posters on this forum for you to come to that conclusion?
Tell us more about the 5 days you chatted with him, if this was before the marriage what were your observations? Did you only do Nikkah and leave or did you spend time with him after that?
Tell us more about the 5 days you chatted with him, if this was before the marriage what were your observations? Did you only do Nikkah and leave or did you spend time with him after that?
She can't share personal stuff, just work with what you got.