Somebody mentioned that I am having trouble getting used to the idea that I am married.I am. Honestly speaking if I could, I would take back my decision. Even nowduring the days it was “off” with him, I have been so happy. Happier than I waswhen I was with him (long distance and in real life). I was really just living life, happy, focused on school, and just ready to kick ass. As soon as he becomes involved, and my mom gives me advice that he is a good guy, would make theperfect husband (and he would, he really would) I get stress.
During myoff time with him, when I was discovering myself, I had a period where I waslike okay I think I am ready for a in real life relationship. Then I thought about the relationship I do have and I was like naaaaah, I’m happy single and want to keep focused on myself. When issues with him start to pop up I startlosing focus as well and all I do is stress eat, stress sleep, and fall behind in my studies. It’s a constant stress.
The thingis he is a really good guy. I keep thinking he could be the one for me a couple years from now. I am constantly reminded of that by mother. I know he is ohh soo amazing, but I also know 100% I am not ready for a full blown out relationship. Like if it develops slowly into a relationship that’s okay. But I am not ready to handle a nikkah. It’s just too much, and no I didn’t know this fact at the time I said yes.
I just don’t want to make another decision I am going to regret again. When I think of being together with him again, I see it as two ways:
It feels as if I have given up my future life. I have to accommodate a person in my life. I can’t live and develop and grow as an independent person, as who I want to be.
What if many years down, once I am mature, we are right for each other? But the thing is also that I haven’t spent that much time with him to make that assumption. All I know is that he is calm,cool headed, kind, nice, educated.
My mom keeps on advising me to think for the future, and not how I feel right now because in the future when I’m mature, I will regret this decision.
Tl;Dr
He reallyis a good guy. Long distance is a problem but also a crutch I’m using to keep this relationship going
I am not ready for a relationship. I DO NOT WANT ONE, but momma advises me that he is a good match for you.
I tried explaining my ED to him, he didn’t get it.
The 5 daysI spent with him:
He was a sweet guy. But he was typically paki in the sense that when he said somethinghe expected me to do it, mostly in front of people though. Uhm, he really enjoyed his first time bowling. I didn’t bowl cause I was to self-conscious too (that’show deep the ED was). He got so many strikes though. When we were together he did most of the talking. Very talkative lolz. I’m not good with urdu so I couldn’t really properly communicate. The time we spent together was aaight,even though I was infatuated at the time. It was nothing super special, just normal. Honestly 5 days isn’t even enough to base whether it’s going to be good in person or not. It’s just when you are getting to know someone, you can’t make that decision until you get to know them better.
But ya that’spretty much it. Sorry if it’s too long.
In your entire post, you only spoke good of him & did not mention a single habit you do not like about him or a single incident/meeting with him which you found to be awful. So Im having a hard time getting why you're not happy with him as a husband. To be honest, I just feel that either you're very tired, not getting enough sleep, having a poor diet, taking too much caffein & stressing over nothing. Stop thinking too much if you do not really see any 'red flags' in your husband's actions.
Or you're just worried about losing personal freedom. Like, doing your own stuff when you want. What is it exactly that bothers you about him? Is he too dominating? Bullies you? Just relax, take good rest, sleep, eat healthy, exercise. You'll feel better about yourself, him & your relationship with him.
Yeah, it’s killing me on the inside too. I know that I really do like him ALOT, like I would even say I’ve fallen for him. Yet each time I work things out with him suddenly I’m majorly stressed out. Confused, stressed, and depressed. I lose focus on everything and just become this weird thing. It’s like I lose life. I think it’s because (a) he isn’t here, and I’m having a hard time coping with that. I bet personal freedom has quite a bit to do with it too, but honestly I wanted to make it work with him. I wouldn’t mind trying to change and accommodate, but like I said stress isn’t really something I have no control over. Maybe it’s habit? I would’t mind even the stress, if I didn’t stress eat! It makes me feel like even worse. And esp since I have eating issues, it’s hard. I do think to much though. I guess thinking to much and then loss of personal freedom (or the thought of it) starts my initial stress, and then I start craving things, and then I eat those things in large quantities, and it just all goes downhill from there. I used to be in this constant depressed and bingeing cycle for 2 years of my life. It was horrible and I don’t want to go back to that. When I start bingeing after talking to him, it really scares, frustrates, and just kills me. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY. The only time I stress eat is when it’s concerning him or if it’s concerning my self esteem (like when I don’t feel confident). Bingeing also leads me into the confused state, and then all I can do is worry/obsess over tryna get out of it. But yeah maybe it’s cause of habit? Back when our issues started I used to stress eat ALOT for everything. Then that started going down, and now I’m eating well most of the time, without stress eating. But whenever I talk to him I get these intense cravings. I hate it. This whole thing has taken alot from me. First it took 3-4 years of my life, and now my relationship :(. It’s difficult.
Like there are a thousand different feelings i’m feeling. They all mesh together and it’s just so messy and excuse my language but f’ed up.
Whenever you feel negative about your marriage, make it a habit to recite Surah Fatiha, first page of Surah Baqarah, Aital Kursi, 4 quls. Each of those 7 times. And also recite ‘Ya Lateef’ frequently. You’ll feel lighter & stress free. After reading your last post, Im sure it is the shayateens around you causing you to be dissatisfied with your husband & break your marriage. Please do the needful to protect yourself. Also give away some sadqa for yourself and hubby & your mom too.
Edit: Also try to keep all the 5 prayer if you do not do so already. That will also keep you protected from the attacks of shayateens. I think this guy is actually very good for you. Just protect yourself from shayteens waswasas and attacks which you are experiencing psychologically.
OP, seems like you are the one who is not ready to be married yet. Given the fact that you are only 20, it does make sense that you want to enjoy single life and hate being bogged down by a HUSBAND and a MARRIAGE.
I would suggest that you tone down your relationship level. Decrease your contact. like its not mandatory to skype for an hour every day etc.
Also please make him understand so he doesnt give up on you. He seems great for you once you are mature enough to be a wife.
Just decrease your contact but keep in touch, like good friends. Once the pressure subsides, the relationship will improve and hopefully you would be more ready for a full blown commitment. You still have 2 years to be with him in that way so make that time count.
I tried to get out of the marriage cause I knew I wasnt ready but then 'baat paki' ho chucki thi, so withdrawing from it was a NO.
You could not get out of marriage cause of baat pakki.
Now it should be even a bigger problem because nikah and rukhsati ho choki.
Deal with it like a matured person. You are married woman not a teenager keep that in mind and behave like a responsible , matured adult. From your admission he is doing so , why can't you?
Why do you think that breaking a baat pakki was difficult and divorce is not so difficult, traumatic and embarrassing?
You could not get out of marriage cause of baat pakki.
Now it should be even a bigger problem because nikah and rukhsati ho choki.
Deal with it like a matured person. You are married woman not a teenager keep that in mind and behave like a responsible , matured adult. From your admission he is doing so , why can't you?
Why do you think that breaking a baat pakki was difficult and divorce is not so difficult, traumatic and embarrassing?
Cause i am not a responsible mature adult, thats why.
Cause i am not a responsible mature adult, thats why.
I stand corrected after reading a few other of your recent posts. I jumped to conclusions based on just a little information. You are in a bind now , how can you get out of it I do not know because he might compromise now , immigrate to Canada and then he might or might not give up on changing you. I cannot predict the future. After he immigrates to Canada , sees how the world operates and change his own ways or he might turn into a control freak and might make your life hell. I have no idea what future holds for you. Make your own informed decision and choose what you think is right for you. I am out.
Cause i am not a responsible mature adult, thats why.
Yes, you are not, and at the age of 20 many aren't, so I generally don't expect 20 year olds to be mature adults.
Your parents should have recognised this and not arranged your marriage this early on in your life. They also should have known about your insecurities and disorders, and known that you must come to terms with those first, before you can bear the responsibility of a marital relationship.
This has got more to do with the level of maturity, than the distance between the two of you.
Yes, you are not, and at the age of 20 many aren't, so I generally don't expect 20 year olds to be mature adults.
Your parents should have recognised this and not arranged your marriage this early on in your life. They also should have known about your insecurities and disorders, and known that you must come to terms with those first, before you can bear the responsibility of a marital relationship.
This has got more to do with the level of maturity, than the distance between the two of you.
You are on point but you did not tell her what to do now since she is already in this bind.