Lonely Parents

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ok this question is mainly for married ladies who have gone through this scenario…

Suppose your parents are living alone after all their children have either gotten married or left the country or just moved out. And they feel very lonely and not-needed. What would you do to make them feel better? I mean not on a short period of time like a few hours but generally. Keeping in mind that you are married and have responsibilities of your own and all that. What if you are out of the country and know that your parents are alone and not in a very healthy state.

Well actually the question goes for men too. So put in ur two cents.

2

it all depends on number of factors...

but for example if you live abroad and are very well settled then just call them abroad for a while... thats a short term solution...

if its girls parents then it depends on your hubby too... how much supportive he is of this idea...

again... it all depends...

tum se kalam akhri hai
3

Re: Lonely Parents

First of all son = should never leave their parents it is their responsibility to take care of the parents.. You can go abroad and study do wateva u wanna do, but make sure ur parents are in good hands.. and if ur planning to settle down abroad you have to make sure that ur parents are with u or (if they are back home) atleast ur always there for ur parents in the time when they really need you ( no excuse of money, holidays from work, kids or wife) ..

Daughters = Not lots of responsibilites cause they will have their mother and father in law to take care of and after marriage mom and dad in law will be like their parents but still if her own parents are alone in the situation u mentioned. Personaly i would no matter what will bring my parents in my house and take care of them..

P.S it is my and only my views and iam not saying tat this is the best way or there can't be any other ways..

Last person to post in this thread wins!
4

Re: Lonely Parents

I'm not married but I will ask parents to come and stay near me in the same city. I will discuss such issues with my future hubby so that there is a plan of action in place if such issues arise.

5

Re: Lonely Parents

actually fiona, in Islam it is a daughter's duty to care for her parents as much as a son's but especially in the case of there being no son. she has no responsibility towards her parents in-law, they are her 100% her husband's responsibility (and his brother's and sisters'). if she takes care of her in-laws it is out of love for her husband etc, but Islam does not require it of her.

Time Pass - March 2012
Time Pass - March 2012
6

Re: Lonely Parents

In my family there's just me, mum and my younger sister. Mum got divorced years ago and my dad hasn't been in contact for over 20 years.

When I got engaged one of the first things that crossed my mind was that mumwould be alone as my sister would also marry and move soon.
Hubby said that we could ask mum to spend 6 months with us and 6 with my sister or split time between me, sister and her own home.

When my sister got married, she decided to live with mum and I resented her for that as mum was basically slaving for her and then when she had her son mum was looking after him. Until then mum had been spending a lot of time at my house (I live 3 hours drive away) but then as mum had more responsibility she didnt' come up as often. I really hated my sister for that as mum should be looked after - she dedicated her life to us.
Now though I see it as a good thing that my sister stayed with my mum as mum is not alone, she is independant to an extent, she has her own home still and also at least she has my sister in case she does need looking after. I know that due to my own health problems I wouldn't have been able to look after mum when she got ill.

So you see, Allah SWT, the almighty sends us a solution in some way, although you may not outwardly see it at first.....

I don't know if that really answers the question, but it's my experience

7

solution= GHARDAMAD .......as Samad would say :D

ok but on a serious note.....if I decide to get married my mother will be alone. So my sisters and I have decided that if my mother agrees she can sell the house and have a primary home with one us. This is where she will keep most of her belongings. She will travel b/w the 3 of us every few weeks or months...how little or long her stay is depends solely on her and how far away from my sisters I end up living.

My brother-in-laws adore my mother and they have a very close relationship with her so they dont mind having her stay with them at all. If I get into a serious enough relationship with someone this matter will surely be discussed with him prior to any marriage agreement. I refuse to leave my mother alone...unless she wants to be left alone.....as of now she has no plans on living with anyone because she is quite independent and capable of caring for herself Alhamdulillah.

Hogwash! :D

dont let our culture brainwash you into believing this is true. In Islam...the responsibilty of caring for parents is for BOTH sons and daughters...EQUALLY. No matter how busy and no matter how many responsibilties one has....you will be questioned on the Day of Judgement on how well YOU treated YOUR parents.

If one cares for their in-laws it is out of love for their spouse and keeping peace within your marriage.....of course Allah will reward you for doing so. So it's always a good idea to take care of your in-laws the way you would care for your own parents.

~~~Missing Someone~~~
8

Re: Lonely Parents

^ well put angel eyes. i wish some of the posters in the MIL/DIL threads would realise this..

9

Islam does not segregate between parent in laws or biological parents. Quran orders Muslims to be nice to and caring about their parents.
Can you please share your sources for this POV you are saying is Islamic way ?
Hazrat Abu Bakar siddique was father in law of Rasool Allah (SAW) and look how our Holy Prophet(SAW) treated them. Very nicely.

10

Re: Lonely Parents

Ohay peeps.. I said kay only i believe in that.. I think its daugther in laws responsiblity to take care of her M & D in law as much as it is her hubby’s.. But ofcourse my parents would be as important to me and if u read my reply carefully i said kay i will bring my parents to live with me no matter wat happens in such a situation.. So in a way i will be ready to take care of both of them. .. Samaj aya? :smack:

Time Pass - March 2012
11

okaaay…i read it. but i just had to put my 2 cents in it :snooty:

The Random Thread
12

Parents in old age are sole responsibility of the sons and especially the eldest.

13

says who? why cant the daughter take care of em? a daughter would take much better care of their parents. Are you planning on staying at home to take care of them or are you going to rely on your wife to do the job for you? :aq:

I wouldnt trust anyone nor would I want to burden anyone (ie a DIL) to take care of my mother. Unless my brother (if i had one) plans on staying at home to care for her…she is staying with me and/or my sisters.

14

Re: Lonely Parents

I always thought anybody who is needy, be it physical, mental , financial need, is the responsibility of the whole Muslim community. If my elderly neighbor needs any kind of help and I ignore that person thinking that it is not my responsibility to care for them.
Will I not be answerable on the day of judgment ?
I had to bring it in since we are talking within framework of Islam. The husbands cannot just say they are my parents in laws and they are not my responsibility or the daughters cannot say , I am too busy with my own home and to take care of my family and in laws is already killing me .
If the state or their own sons and daughters are not taking care of their parents then anybody who can, should help out.
It is common sense , this attitude of helping the needy is not just the Islamic way, it is an universal requirement.

15

Says I.

Daughters can take care of them but my parents feel more comfortable with me than they would with their son in law… thats how things are in many households. I do not want MY parents to be taken care by a third person.

For me taking care of the parents means having them in same home, eating with them on the same table, being there when they are ill and make sure all their needs are met… not many SILs would do that, because? It is possible that they have their own parents to take care of and their own family responsibilities and I wouldn’t want my parents to be sidelined in the process.

16

and another thing (not directed towards you).....it's pretty old fashion to think that it's the sons home, he pays the bills etc and that is why the parents should live with the son (ive heard ppl say this). Nowadays, its the daughters that are running their own homes, the daughters are contributing financially and it's that are the primary care takers as well.

17

would they still be taken care of by a third party…your wife? you are work 9-5…who will look out of them? who will cook for them? who will make sure their basic needs are being met?

in your sisters home…she would be home with them whereas your BIL will be working til evening.

Personally…like i said…sending my parents to my brothers home would not be very comforting to me since he wouldnt be home to look after them. What if he has an evil wife or something? :bummer:

18

That maybe true... traditionally and logically, sons have been the ones taking care of the parents.

If I had to, would I take care of my wife's parents? Of course but if they have a son, I would be hesitant to offer any help because from their son's point of view, I would be looking for same attitude.

Your generational seed is carried forward by SONS, not daughters. Daughters are married off and sent to another home... if parents choose to live with their daughter then thats their choice but that may not settle well with daughter's husband.

There is no cookie cutter solution to this problem, it all depends on your means, how many sons and daughters you have and what is their position as far as take care of elderly parents is concerned. It's not like you will be in pristine position and ready for your parents in law or parents, people will have to make some changes in lifestyle, cut spending and make room for new members of the family. So, there are many factors that need to be considered before taking on this huge responsiblity.

19

Still, they are within my reach. Wife nahi cook karey ghi tou kya wife ki maan aah ke cook karey ghi? Of course, the wife will have to cook and take care of them when I am not there along with their grand children.

Even if at BIL, that is still a third person, a paraya home if you will… parents generally don’t consider their son’s home as paraya but their daughters, yes because she is married into ANOTHER family.

20

If I look at it from your POV....either way it is a third party that will take care of the parents.

Times have changed JL....people have changed due to this change...the roles of daughters have changed as well. People are begining to accept the fact that it is OK for a daughter to take care of her parents as well.

Ideal situation....parents should pick who they want to live with (if they want to live with anyone) and the spouse of that son/daughter should be accepting of it. If only we lived in an ideal world!

If and when I get married.....I plan on taking care of both my mother and my in-laws when they are no longer able to care for themselves even if it means having them both live with me. :D