So…how many people make it known to the other party their views regarding this?
like…when the rishta talk is going on…
Do women put this condition before finalizing the shaadi??
if not , why not??
isn’t it better to make it known beforehand…rather than going into it…and then having all sorts of problems??
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Boy you are so obsessed with this INLAWS affairs, now, aint you? :hinna:
No the conditions are not put before shadi, usually, since it is a common knowledge and understanding that a joint family system can only work if both the sides are sensibly balanced in their approach and if one party is willing to acknowledge and not negate the human existence and rights of the other. And this is how most of the joint family systems work unless or until when one party tends to cross the limits of **yourlibertyendsswheremynosebeings **and becomes illogical and biased in their approaches.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
apko problem hai to reply na karain :)
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Problem universal hai dost.
It may just come as a pleasant surprise if NomiCA would not hesitate in creating threads on men and their shortcomings, maybe?. Could be about conflicting views over kids, their everlasting social life, their attention towards his own family, what makes a man ask a women to not work etc. I'm just speculating about what Mirage may have meant. Something I could relate to, but a certain someone might not see it so well.
Coming back to the original topic. The few women I've been through did make it abundantly clear about their approach and about the issue you speak of, if they were keen on living with the inlaws (1 was khushi sey, 1 wasn't) or not. What overwhelmingly surprised me was the fact that the one against living with them wasn't so adamant on her decision and nor did propose certain conditions that weren't the "my way or the highway" sort, so hence she was quiet flexible in the end. But yes, it definitely is a question one of the couple should ask prior getting hitched to avoid any conflicts down the road.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
The topic of living with in-laws should be discussed just as education, children, income, goals, etc. are discussed prior to Nikah.
Not only getting married, but living with 'new' people is a HUGE deal. Some women would like it while others not so much. So yes discuss before, otherwise don't complain.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Mujhe problem hota to mai reply kyon karti 
I just appreciate your concern, anyway 
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
I'd make it known beforehand.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Yes, before the engagement we had several long discussions on our feelings regarding living with parents (either his or mine). I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if we weren't on the same page regarding this.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Me neither..
I wouldn't marry regardless and just hope for the best..
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
a supplementary question to the girls/guys who would have not married if pre-conditions were not accepted
What if they guy (or the girl) is not fulfilling with his/her accepted pre-condition now after marriage? (for example, I'll take you to Pakistan every 2 years or my parents will not live with me etc etc) will u ask for divorce? what are your options?
I know many households where girls were promised that they will be allowed to work but now they are not allowed. I'd like to know what options they have.
Personally, I am not for having any pre-condition while entering into a relationship. Conditions reduces options.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
hmm..........so why women don't make it known before hand and then keep complaining about in-laws all the time afterwards????
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
a supplementary question to the girls/guys who would have not married if pre-conditions were not accepted
*What if they guy (or the girl) is not fulfilling with his/her accepted pre-condition now after marriage? (for example, I'll take you to Pakistan every 2 years or my parents will not live with me etc etc) will u ask for divorce? what are your options? * I know many households where girls were promised that they will be allowed to work but now they are not allowed. I'd like to know what options they have.
Personally, I am not for having any pre-condition while entering into a relationship. Conditions reduces options.
Honestly if it was the work issue I would do it anyway (if it wasn't affecting home life + kids).. If he changed his mind that's his problem, not mine.. Wouldn't divorce over it unless he wanted to..
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
hmm..........so why women don't make it known before hand and then keep complaining about in-laws all the time afterwards????
I think it should go both ways. I don't understand why our culture is so morbidly against women without even knowing it sometimes. Its ingrained in our minds that its only about the guy's parents.
Don't take it personally but how often do you even think about what will happen if you married a girl who shockhorror doesn't have brothers? What will you expect her to do? Watch her parents from a distance and not respond?
Do you realize you'd also be one of those spouses that makes a woman choose between her family and her husband? Does it ever occur to you that even as you sit in a woman's home for a rishta...you're asking her to choose between two people she will care about the most? And she has to do it even before she really falls in love with you or figure out if you're even worth it. Yet you have an issue giving her any sort of importance even after she is your wife and can rightfully demand it.
You don't have rights to half the liberties you guys take.
I think men should also declare how against they are to the idea of being there for the girl's parents or living with them in the future.
"mujhe tumharay maan baap ki shakal nahin dekhni hai shaadi ke baad"
That would solve a lot of problems for the girls.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
I full agree…I have 2 sisters and no brothers…thank god my husband & brother in law BOTH gave our parents the SAME respect and position that they did for their own parents. This issue goes deeper than just about living with in-laws or being a “ghar jamai”..like Reha says…why is our culture so adamant about a girl always surpressing her responsibilities to her own parents/family? Like for instance..a girl is almost always EXPECTED to call her MIL “ammi”, “mummy” or whatever hubby calls her..but a guy will not always do the same..he’ll say “Aunty” or not even that..just “Aap”..lol…wonder why that is.
Before I get daggers thrown at me about the “natural order of things” or get labled a “Femi-nazi” which I most certainly AM NOT, let me just say that I think that respect and responsibilities towards parents should be a two way street and equal,no matter if it’s the girls parents or guys parents.
Maybe my husband did not differentiate between his parents/my parents because he never saw me do it. Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling, and not articulating well the point I’m trying to make, so I’m going to end it here…take from this what you want…
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
All this comes from the old-school Hindu culture. That women have to sacrifice everything (including herself) for her husband and his family. Islamically this is not halal. But can we let go of this cultural norm? Apparently NO.
And this whole in-laws issue is only in Pakistan, rest of the Muslim countries don't have this crappy norm that the woman moves in and cuddles up with her in-laws. Actually, I see from my Arab friends, that an Arab man is expected to own his own property for his wife and himself before marriage. NO ONE expects them to live with the guys parents.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
^Exactly.. but people are in denial about it.. it's like banging your head against a brick wall..
Outide Pakistan/Indian/Bangladesh it doesn't happen this way..
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
My sisters husband calls my ami “Ami”
How long did that take to dwell in?
Jee jee jee. The one guy you married was the “Eik heera in the whole koylaay ki kaan (Earth)” while the remaining all men on this planet are nothing but “Evil”
Theek, to each their own.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
It is one sided and most women are not appreciated for making the sacrifice but guess what...that's human nature. Kids don't appreciate their parents and most in-laws will not appreciate the woman leaving her family. Some in-laws will, but do not expect praise for your sacrifice. Dale Carnegie's book about "How to Stop Worrying..." talks about this. Make the sacrifice for your own reasons, without expectations, or you will be miserable. For all the talk about being mature, there seems to be a lot of complaining here, when in reality, you have a choice. Which leads me to my second point...
I'm assuming a lot of the women are not residing in Pakistan, hence, you should not have to worry about this. Just tell any prospective rishta that you do not want to move in with his parents. Either he'll agree or he won't, and then you have to evaluate how much you like him.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
My sisters husband calls my ami "Ami"
How long did that take to dwell in?
Jee jee jee. The one guy you married was the "Eik heera in the whole koylaay ki kaan (Earth)" while the remaining all men on this planet are nothing but "Evil"
Theek, to each their own.
Re: Living with in-laws precondition
Nomi, aap apni bv c pehle yaad c puch lena! 