Living with In-Laws - Men and Women

Lifestyle Relationships
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Assalamu Alaikum Everyone!

This topic is open to men and women as I would like both perspectives. It seems as if in our community (USA, UK, Pak, doesnt matter where you live, its all the same) the whole in-law situation sparks a lot of debate.

Usually, we hear women venting and desperately looking for solutions to their in-law problems. Men not helping out as much, ignoring them, not siding with them, etc.

What I would like is to find out what the most common problems are in the joint family system. What is it that sparks so much friction between Daughter In Law (DIL) and Mother In Law (MIL)? What problems, attitudes, issues, scenarios, etc. cause this age-old battle? And if its not too much, possible solutions/suggestions/tried and tested theories?

Again, men and women. We always hear from the woman’s side, but what does a guy go through in a living arrangement like that? What does he feel? How does he deal with it? What does he expect from his wife? The same questions are posed for the women.

The purpose behind this post is to help a friend of mine prepare herself mentally and emotionally for the in-law situation. She will be getting married later this year and doesnt know what to expect or how to handle it.

Thank you!

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Re: Living with In-Laws - Men and Women

I know in women's case, its almost always the issue of control. Either the MIL or the DIL want to control the house/their own lives adn the other one usually MIL butts in. Some MILS have issues letting go of their sons and some DILs forget that their husband is a son and a brother along with being her husband.

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This is a question that we'll never know the right answer to, but we sure could use any answer! (Like the question Which group of Muslims are the closest to the Way of the Prophet (S)?) If we only knew...life would be so much more simple!

I think it goes back to Adam & Eve. It took only one woman to provide companionship to Adam. Now, however, men have multiple women in their lives, all in a way, competing for a very similar role. The mother gets the first shot, in raising her son and being there for him. But later a wife, sister, a girlfriend, etc. enter the scene and her role is diminished.

So mothers I think, do whatever they can to limit the influence of other women in the lives of their sons. I think they do this because the feel their connection is genuinely threatened. Because...men dont requrie much at all to be made happy by a woman. And a wife can give it all. And i mean all. Which the mother and sisters can never give. Which is why both mothers and sisters can be a source of so much stress to both the wife and the husband, because the wife now holds the winning hand...unless she screws it up! :)

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Re: Living with In-Laws - Men and Women

DIL and MIL friction is age old , it has nothing to do with living with in laws. This friction can exist if they are living thousands of miles apart. If both parties are open minded and accommodating then there will be no issues.
If one wants to live peacefully then one should learn to ignore things and accommodate MIL or DIL as much as possible. Those who do not ignore or accommodate they are leading the most miserable lives on this planet. This misery is not limited to DIL, SIL, MIL, BIL, or FIL. It can exists if one is employee , son , daughter, father , mother ,sister, brother, neighbor or friend.

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Okay, if the above is true, what about the men? What role do they play or should play in this entire scenario? Why are all these women fighting to “take care” of a grown man? Cant he change his own diaper?

Furthermore, isnt the husband responsible for being the wife’s advocate and voice? Shouldnt he be the one smoothing out the differences or at least actively helping to resolve problems?

Just curious…:smokin:

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Fine, if we go along with this...here is another question...who does the accomodating first?

What would be good tactics to win MIL's heart?

What would a man expect from his wife in that aspect?

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Re: Living with In-Laws - Men and Women

from men's perspective the issue is simple: women like to control situations. Even if they can get a perception of control they are happy. Don't flame me over it this is an observation not a fact.

For example: A mother who has had a huge influence on her son during his entire life before shaadi wants to maintain that. If she asks her son to do something she expects him to do accordingly. On the other hand after shaadi, wife has an important role. She wants to have some say or control in what goes on in the house. Naturally in a joint family system she starts from her husband.. and so the saga begins...

solution is simple, the husband needs to act responsible and control both MIL and wife. Now that is challenging but needed to be done.

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Simple treat your MIL as your own mother. I am sure if your husband goes to live at your mothers house you would want him to respect her as her own mother..

respect respect respect..

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Whoever is looking for a calm , quite and peaceful life.

I have no expertise in this area. I never had to deal with a wicked MIL. Mine was Mashalla a very nice , fine , refined woman. Allah marhooma ko jannat naseeb karay. Ameen.

Accommodation , open mind and respect of his mother , that women sacrificed a lot to raise this fine man , who is now husband of her DIL. Even if she is wicked and senile she should be respected and one day she will cool down if she does not Allah is watching and will reward this DIL highly for her sacrifices to accommodate and for showing respect for this wicked woman.

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Re: Living with In-Laws - Men and Women

Sometimes, respect, love and dedicated attention still isnt enough. I've seen more than a couple of women (sadly, my own mom included) who turn nasty and miserable as they age. There is nothing to make them happy no matter how many lengths you go to. This can cause untold stress in a household. I've always treated mom with utmost respect and care and I take whatever she dishes out...but when she's here, things are very very stressful. If she lived here (which she would be welcome to do), life would NOT take a turn for the better :(

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Real men don't have feelings :p

Fortunately there is no such thing is REAL MAN. All humans are created as FEMALE (in the womb) and after developing nipples - nature decide to transform some of them into males.
So long story short, if there are no nipples - there will be no problems.

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Have you lived with your in laws? Your reply is the opposite of what was asked.

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Not only you are cell phone junkie , you are GS junkie too. What your post has to do with the topic or you just get pleasure out of talking dirty and bashing men just for fun ?

I did poorly, got an A instead of A+ as I bombed the final
I did poorly, got an A instead of A+ as I bombed the final
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LUC, I think that even tho my reply was opposite, it can shed some light, generally, on why there can be troubles when living with in-laws. When a married couple lives with a miserable nasty older woman whether she is the mother or the MIL, it can cause much stress yeh?

Anyway, no I've not lived with in-laws...they are unfortuntately deceased, I never had the pleasure of meeting them. If I lived in Pak, and if I had in-laws, I'd not hesitate to live in an extended family. Actually, if we ever did move over there, we'd end up with my SIL. I greatly admire that type of living, and the houses in Pak are built with extended family in mind. More bathrooms, a sitting room attached to each bedroom to allow privacy etc. Its a wonderful thing for children to be raised where they are surrounded by lots of loving family. Yet, over here in US, that can be very difficult. Small houses, no privacy, one (MAYBE 2) toilets, one shower is the typical house and that makes it monumentally more difficult I think.

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Prince....

Soooooo unnecessary...

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The thing is, Im looking for all sorts of perspectives.

And I totally agree with MO3. The joint family system can be a great thing when handled properly and each person is mindful/respectful of the other. Thats what we want though...we want things to work. No woman walks into a marriage thinking "Okay, now how can I make these people miserable?".

I grew up with my grandmother around and it was amazing. She taught me so much and we had a great time together. IF you have a way to make it work, it can be very rewarding for both you and your children.

Sure, downtime is very nice for the couple too but I think I would start to miss the noise after a while.

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Astaghfirullah! - so true.. he made no point of posting such stupid things here.

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"What is it that sparks so much friction between Daughter In Law (DIL) and Mother In Law (MIL)?"

Answer: The Man --- He is a son of his mother and a husband of his wife.

MIL can't share the son and the wife obviously can't share the husband. They both think one has more rights than the other.

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the wife does not have a voice?
and by the same token is he not responsible for beiong the mother’s advocate and voice?

why should he be smoothing out differences? shouldnt people who are developing differences be grown up and try to act in a grown up manner? are they so immature that they need a man to tell them how to behave?

why should he be actively helping to resolve problems. the ‘problems’ are there because the people in the situation have not tried to resolve it themselves, so they are putting a third party in the middle to be ping ponged.

sorry but the guys I have seen do this get miserable, and any sort of truce that they help build then gets destroyed by one asinine action, moronic sentence, idiotic taunt, immature reaction of the ladies in the equation and the pandora’s box opens again and it does not start from the point when teh truce was established, but it goes back to day one.

sorry ladies, take more responsibility for your own actions and behavior as a DIL or as an MIL.

blaming it on guys does not change the fact that the responsibility of such clashes belongs to the women involved. and they should be resolving them, they dont need daddy to come tell them how to interact with other human beings.

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No one is blaming you, this thread is meant to help people understand what they can do to help the peace in their homes and lives...

Dangerous Dosti