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Re: Limit of Patience is Over
As long as your husband is on your side thats all it matters.
sometimes we have to give people back home piece of our western mind [per them we all who live abroad are all western etc]
May be you can have all them sit in one room along with your hubby and talk. Tell your hubby in advance you are planning on doing it and share everything with him.
you have let things go away from your hand already hold on to them before its too late.. They are cursing you and refusing to hold your baby. Ask your husband not to send money for 6months that will put them in right place i guess.
if you dont control things you will lose your respect totally.
Put your foot down NOW
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
hmmm 4 sum reason, i am getting the feeling that this isn't the complete story.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
^Ofcourse, everyone will have their own point of view, BUT, i think this is the story of many Desi families.
I mean, just few days ago, one of my friends Mom called him to send more money for his sister's wedding, he told her that he has sent lietrally all the money he had and he has even taken loan from other people, and u know what mom said, "well then why don't u ask ur wife to take some job too".
Also, i have found that people become "habituated" with certain behaviors, like some get used to receive money from their siblings and never do anything in return, others get used to give their money to others.
There are people quite opposite to it as well, like i know thos one guy, who's father died when he was young, he is the eldest, got a good job and got married. But he did not help his mother "at all" to educate his younger brothers/sisters or to get them married off.
And for Jias, i think ur husband needs to grow some balls, and be upfront with his family aboout what he thinks, rather than trying to hold together to a relationship that is fruitless.
And if my family cud not take care of my child for an hour, i would not go to that house ever.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
Jias,
I am sorry to hear about this. I think a lot of people "back home" seem to think we have a money tree in the back garden. I've heard of this happening in all sorts of families, whether literate or not -the constant pressure to send money and support them in the way that they feel they deserve.
To be frank - I think that to a certain extent the immigrant communities here have created an entire class of people who are dependent on foreign remittances and expect to be supported by their relatives. There are a lot of people who are perfectly capable of working who stop because someone overseas is footing the bill.
I am sorry to hear that your MIL isn't interested in your baby - it is definitely her loss, not yours or your childs.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
screw them.... maybe they dont know any better. Dont let it get to u .. it would be nice if it wasnt like this but oh well. Its their loss not urs. If ur mother in law doest want to hold her grandchild who is really getting ignorant. Just do what u have been doing and maybe oneday they will realize. The more u will try o fix this, they more they will blow it out of proportion. So u have done enough just sit back realax and watch the show as it unfolds. Plus if all they would do is curse u, dont talk to them. If they dont want u around do go there..
Remember u married ur husband not them and as long as he is cool with u thats all that really matters.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
Situations like these call for cool-head thinking and swift maneuvering rather than "putting your foot down". You must remember that he was their son/brother first then your husband. If your husband is a good man then he must have been even a better son and a brother and no son will ever hear anything bad about his mother, especially not from his wife. He might listen to you (because someone gave you idiotic advice) and stop sending money for 6 months or stop calling them or refuse to provide emotional help and then 6 months later when he tries to establish a connection his mother breaks off all ties with him, then what? Do you think he'll remain idle and not care that his mother has broken all ties? At that time he will blame you for the advice. He will hold you responsible for the bad situation. And whom will you blame?
My advice: remain patient. He is not ignorant of the fact that his mother did not hold her grandson, yelled at you, denied everything your husband did for them. Let him sort it out with his family.
Women these days have forgotten what a wife is suppose to be and are constantly adding fuel to fire. I don't think Prophet ever advised women to "put your foot down".
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
My hubby is a loving and caring son, elder brother and husband . His family is illetrate but due to his efforts young brother and sisters get educated he did wrok hard from his young age , did job and study at a time and made himself able to serve for his family, did efforts on his brother and sisters education, did marrige of his sisters spending lots of money by taking loan all by himself, he did very well. Few years ago we got married definitely the priority get little bit changed. I also support him to do efforts for his family as did in the past, he is happy with me. Now in marrige of last sister younger brother is able to do some thing and we are not able to take big loans, at that time we become parents of a baby. My hubby spend a major amount (70%) in her marrige but not whole. The sister got angered that why not he spend a lot of money in her event, regardless how much her brother love her, when she was graduated we gave her heavy jewelery and much more.
Now his youngers do bad behave with him, when he is trying to give some advise to them they don't want to listen them, as in the past they discuss each and every problem with him and he solved it, but right now every one is married and think independantly and shows that there is no value of my hubby in front of them.. and they show (ehsan framosh) type behaviour, when he take care of his wife and kid, they think I took away their brother, which I am not. I want to live like a family, but my all sil are very jealous, they gave wrong ideas to thier mom and dad and the parents cursed me. All time they tortured me bu their bad behaviour and hard words.
I think a guy who is builder or pioneer of the family not be able to marry other wise he face such bad things, we are now in big tension.
Now the younger sister filled hate in his parents and sisters mind, they all blamed me for all this. He send money to Pakistan monthly and in special events like Ramazan and Eid I told him send extra amount so mom will give eidi to kids from us, whenever my friends went to Pakistan we send lots fo gifts etc, but they all blamed me like a liar.
We went to Pakistan with our baby, nobody is happy with the baby, each and every day we have to go to my mom to drop her there and we wnet for shopping and other places, one day my hubby asked with his mom that we were outside for an hour if she took care of our baby this is good for us she refused to hold our baby, we were in Pakistan for 16 days. Whenever he called to his parents they start cursing me, and I listend very patiently, but how lonh I cna tolerate this type of behaviour, when the day we came back here his mom told me the women make and destroys home ..... I understand that she blamed me her son is apart of her, I told her here is your son took him If you want let me back to my mom place, I don't want ta go with him at that time my bil told me you don't understand my mom didn't want you to go back to your mom. At last I don't know what they want, From the day of engagement till now his family gave lots of tension to me and my family, but still me and my parents are quiet but there is limit of patience.
His sisters want that I go there do all house keeping, say nothing, if they cursed me I have to listen quietly and dont say anything, they don't want that my hubby take care of me and my baby. What I have to do ???
You have done your part now it is time for your husband to step up to the plate and safeguard the interests of his immediate family (wife and baby). This is a game which will be played by your inlaws until they are told by their own son where his priority are now as he is a husband and a father.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
First of all, this is just one side of the story and looks a bit exaggerated. If have never seen or heard of grandparents who refuse to take care of grand children even if grand parents are so mad at their children that they don’t talk to each other but they still have love and care for grandchildren. You’re mentioning that your mother in law flatly refused to take care of your baby for a freaking hour doesn’t make sense to me.
You said you guys live aboard and went to Pakistan for 16 days and then went on to say
His sisters want that I go there do all house keeping, say nothing, if they cursed me I have to listen quietly and dont say anything, they don't want that my hubby take care of me and my baby. What I have to do ???
So they want to do all this in those 16 days? I can’t digest that either.
For the sake of argument suppose whatever you said is true in entirety. Here is something I observed in few of the post of guppies who want to “go for kill” or “screw them”.
Why in the world do you (or your husband) expect to get something in return? Looks like this disappointment is all BECAUSE you are not getting what you EXPECTED in return. So that questions the intention of HELP in the first place. Was it REALLY to HELP them OUT or to get something in RETURN?
Now if he is really doing injustice with you, he will learn by time (as you said he is a good husband). Don’t over kill him with complains everyday. He is not blind and if such things happened (that your mother in law refused to take care of your baby), he will eventually take notice of it. Don’t force him not to HELP his parents. It’s his DUTY. Talk about this with him lightly. Complaining everyday will not help and no there is no "quick solution" to it.
and for guys out there, you have to keep balance b/w wife and parents. You have to secure future of your kids too. Helping parents is good things but if your siblings are at the point where they can live (earn) on their own, they don’t need your help make sure that they know this.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
Hey I wanna be one of those people who get funds, babysitting services etc all the time from family and friends so that I can have a nice easy life!!! lol!!!
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
I have to agree with Decent 6Chora on the comment that if you are doing something out of the goodness of your heart or even out of obligation to the family, don't expect anything in return. Do what is your farz and move on.
If you are living this far away, you are geographically shielded from the mess so until and unless your husband is not behaving well with you and your child, you should not be worried about what the rest are thinking or doing.
If the situation in your own home is tense because of all this, then step up to the plate, discuss it with your husband and ask him to do the same.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
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Re: Limit of Patience is Over
Decent6Chora
This world is full of wonders every thing is happend, last week my hubby talked to his mother told them we have some photographs of our baby I will send you, she replied, no, no I just pray for her thats it there is no need to send photo. Do you think what he felt at that time.
This is true story not exxageration, the family who is totally dependant on my hubby, have difficulties to digest his wife and kid becoz we shared him, understand.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
Jias: i believe every word you wrote. Have experienced very similar things. But some ppl just won't understand. There r very wicked and selfish ppl in this world.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
yours was love marriage or arranged marriage?
I sense a sound of bit arrogance in your tone ' a family who is totally dependent on my Husband'... i mean comeon.. if he went an extra mile to fulfil his responsibilities as a son or brother that doesnt mean that his family would have been totally doomed without him
bed sheets was not changed? dresses were not given? itni choti choit baaton ko issue nai banate..dilooN main raqaabet barhti hai inn se
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
If you are in my shoes then I have asked what you feels, after all this is arrange marriage.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
thats why i said, choti choit baatein...all of the things you have mentioned above.. i wouldn't make an issue of any of them.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
I didn't tell you the whole story, these are not choti choti batain, we are here for four years when we were back after long period of time, every one wants respect and warm welcome. Am I right or wrong? If you go to someone the host gave you dirty room this is nothing for you but we want a warm welcome, when my sil came to us for visit us we gave here warm welcome set our guest room with new stuff, so we deserve best for us.
As I said above there are two rooms in the house one is clean and weldecorated for younger son but hte elder son got dirty room is this fair?? They hired a servant for house keeping, just for 10 days after marriage ceremony she went off and they want the two daughter-in-laws one me and the other one is newly married did the whole work, we both are there for 2 weeks. I went there to attend shadi and enjoyment not for house keeping. They afford a servant but not did that. My bil came back with his wife here after a month. When ever somebody came to visit us we made good programs to entertain them not ignored our guests.
After all I want to say just one thing there are so many ways to do easy things but if anybody thinks the dil are servants they are wrong, one of my sil's susraal have lots of servant, like for cleaning, vege cutting, washing, baby sitter, my mil said her daughter is in good family but for us she said maasi is not doing good job so do by your self, we are here do every job of home, when we visit Pakistan, this is just for a enjoyment not for house job even I cooked there but still there is a difference in dil and maassi. Even they can afford maasi why not she got one to serve during our visit.
Re: Limit of Patience is Over
You are totally wrong. They thought I took away my hubby from them thats the main point.
You have big heart to do lots of things for some one and get only curse words but I have not, I don't want any reward but don't even want bad words (tohmat aur ilzaam).