Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
but can't anything happen to anyone ay any time? whether its infertility or not, other things can happen to anyone. i dont find it crazy.. but a little strange that hes SPECIFICALLY LOOKING for a woman with a child already...
its odd because usually people don't go looking for a spouse in that scenario unless they have a personal connection to that person or are in love with someone with a child or whatever. the idea of it isnt odd, its odd that hes specifically only looking for someone in that situation. it would be different you said he is OPEN to it but it seems to be clear that hes ONLY looking for a person with a child already...all because of a "what if" ??
well what if he marrys this person, god forbid it but gets sick, or something else happens? or his family gives them issues and make the life of this child even more difficult? i dont know im just, what if?
People that go looking for this specific scenario (and I've met such people actually in the rishta scene - no joke) are usually those that are truly looking for a family but feel that by the time they get married...that may not be possible or really hard. They want to be a parent to a child and instead of adopting, they want to find a woman who might be looking for a caring partner and not necessarily a father for her son but someone who can at least be kind to her child.
Step parenting IS hard and in many situations step parents are ACCEPTING their spouse's kids from another marriage. In this scenario, a guy is WILLINGLY marrying a woman with a child...completely different.
Who knows if this guy knows what he is doing but I will say...the people I have met who are looking for such a match are very sincere about wanting to be involved in a child's life.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
All I am trying to understand here Paheli is that why the idea of being a step parent so weird for a guy who has never been married before.
Yeah, she is divorced. Yeah, she has a kid. Yeah, he has none. But so what? No one who has kids for the first time has the experience of being a parent no matter how many books you read on the topic. Biologically having a child does not automatically make anyone parent material either. You will have a different set of challenges in every single scenario...does that mean you shy away from the thought of it? Does the idea of labor pain discourage women from having kids?
Nothing mentioned so far disqualifies him. The fact that he has looked in to different options and is considering this specific one means he is more than just tossing ideas. .
I have no idea how you're getting any of the above from my posts.
Can you please let me know which specific statement I made referred to him not being married before as an issue? Where did I even hint that this situation wouldn't be any weird if he himself was a divorcee or widowed?
Can you also please tell me where I stated that having a biological child makes anyone parent material?
He considered all the possibilities of adopting a child with fetal alcohol syndrome and decided he doesn't want to deal with it. He ran away from that idea b/c of all the challenges associated with it. Similarly, I strongly encourage him to consider all the possibilities of being a step-parent and see if he can deal with it. That's all.
I'm quite baffled as to why you're perfectly ok with him rejecting that first option....but absolutely fuming at the possibility that he MIGHT reject the latter. I understand that you feel this passion at the idea of a woman being rejected b/c she has a child. Does that same passion exist when a child is rejected simply b/c he was born with a serious medical condition beyond his control?
If this guy is sincere with his intentions then that's great. But for the sake of an innocent child who will be effected by his decisions....he better know exactly what he's doing before he does it. The mother/child doesn't need to experience divorce for a 2nd time just b/c he decides after the fact that its too much for him to handle (and for the record, I've seen this happen several times).
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
Paheli, I am not at all fuming. My posts came across that way but I am not implying you said those things...those are my statements. I apologize if it looked like I was attacking you. I am seriously not.
My only point is that his intentions seem noble and not weird at all to me. If handling a child with a serious condition is not something he can do...then I'd rather he didn't do it. Because that child does not need a half-ass father.
But if he **wants **to marry a woman who's chances (you can ask women who have children) of making a good marriage slim down after someone finds out that not only is she divorced but she also has a child......then I am all for it. In fact, I'd encourage it. That's all I am saying.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two…
^ agree with reha, it’s like half the people are mad & suspicious of him because he wants to marry someone with a child & the other half are mad because he doesn’t want to adopt a child with a serious health issue.
He’s trying to do something good, but God forbid our society doesn’t kill his intentions before he has the chance to explore it.
There are unfit parents all over our society , I think someone who is sincere in these sort of intentions deserve kids way more than those ungrateful ppl do.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
Overall, our community is already so unaccepting and negative towards single parents, I am so disappointed at some of the negative comments here.
Anyway, few things I want to point out regarding some of the comments.
Single guys divorcing the single mom (leading to her 2nd divorce) simply cause he can't cope. I don't know how many single parents you actually dealt with, but the vast majority (including myself) are fiercely protective of our kids. We won't just marry some random guy unless and until he proves himself worthy and shows he will stand beside his family (yes, that includes his step-child). THIS is reality.
Single guys family not accepting the single mother and her child. This could happen in any culture and society, but of course, it would happen more in our desi community because its expected for people to interfere and a man to be led by his ammi, nani, daddi, sisters, rather than developing his own personality and having confidence in his own decision. It would not be surprising to find resistance from his surroundings - just look at the comments here.
This guy has said he doesn't know if he can cope with adopting a disabled child. He's being honest and realistic. The vast majority of people cannot cope with this, even parents whose biological child is disabled have difficulties coping. Like Reha said, nobody wants a half-ass father and it's good he is admitting he can't do it before he wastes someones time and emotions trying.
At the end of the day, if he wants a ready-made family, he will meet women who put him through the test to see if he is worthy. It isn't just about him thinking things through.
Also, you should also note that there are quite a few guys in their 30s who actually want a ready-made family. It's strange for desis because the emphasis of "blood" being thicker than water, but step outside and there is a whole open world out there (thank God).
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two…
hahahha ready made family really? They are either impotent or gay and this guy looks like he knows he is not good enough to make a baby. Why would a healthy stable guy would ever think like this..?
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
As a guy I can kind of understand where this fellow is coming from.
Infertility aside, I would rather marry a woman with a child than adopt one.
Why?
If I adopt a child, depending upon the age of the child, he may or may not know that he is adopted and both scenarios bring about certain complications for a kid at different stages in life. I think, for a child, it would be alot more easier if atleast one parent who is raising him/her is the biological parent.
If I marry a woman with a child, I feel it MAY lead to a stronger connection with the child but again this scenario comes with its drawbacks too. The child might feel the need to rebel against me if I were to discipline him. "You're not my father.... etc"
Both situations present difficulties and both situations come with "benefits" (depending upon how you view things).
So to reiterate, I do understand where this guy is coming from. BUT, if he's exclusively looking for mums with kids ONLY, well then that I do find kind of odd.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
If handling a child with a serious condition is not something he can do...then I'd rather he didn't do it. Because that child does not need a half-ass father.
I agree with this completely. And I want him to apply the same type of consideration in regards to a step-child. That's all.
I don't know many single parents in my personal circle. But professinally, I deal with PLENTY of divorces. And I've seen more cases than I can count.....where custody battles get nasty b/c one parent (can be mother OR father) can't deal with the other one getting re-married. I've also seen divorces where I've been told flat out by the non-biological parent that that stress of having to deal with drama in regards to the step-parent and/or step-child just became too much over time and took a major toll on the marriage.
And whether or not his plan is weird is a matter of personal opinion. I have never met a man in his 30's who has never been married or has a child, and who specifically limited his search for a wife to a woman who already has a child. If you have, that's great. It would certainly explain the difference in our view.
I don't think any less of him b/c he doesn't want to adopt a child with a medical disability. But at the same time, I also wouldn't think less of him if he decided that he couldn't handle being a step-parent. Yet I get the impression that some people are fine with the 1st scenario......yet have a problem with the second. I see that as being a double standard. Both cases have an effect on the child AND the man (of course, his wife too). I'm honestly baffled as to why people have an issue with the idea that he give the same type of consideration to being a step parent that he gave to the adoption idea.
As for the rest......thanks for clarifying. Since you had quoted my post in your response eariler, I thought you comments were a direct response to mine.....hence my post. Thanks for clarifying. :)
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
BUT, if he's exclusively looking for mums with kids ONLY, well then that I do find kind of odd.
Unless I misunderstood Muzna's posts.......this is exactly what the guy wants. He specifically wants a woman who already has a child. To me that means he's not going to consider any woman who does not.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
^ thats what I understood too. THATS the odd part. not the idea of him marrying into a "ready made" family but just that hes solely looking for a baby mama
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two…
people with attitudes like these ^ are the ones that make the life of widowed/single moms miserable.
of course it’s odd, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have felt the need to post the situation here…
there are many guys out there that will be “open” to considering a single mom for a partner, but chances are that there are very few that will seek them out. I’m refreshed by this guy’s approach.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
there are many guys out there that will be "open" to considering a single mom for a partner, but chances are that there are very few that will seek them out. I'm refreshed by this guy's approach.
Yes, there are people men out there who're open to meeting a single mom for a partner. Although its odd.....I don't think there's anything wrong with this guy seeking a partner with a child.
However, I'm not a fan of discrimination of any type...even when its reverse. I think it's pathetic when a man (or women) insist on a partner who has never been married. They won't even CONSIDER someone who is divorced/widowed with a child.
And this guy is doing the opposite.....rejecting women ONLY b/c they don't have a child. There are many single HEALTHY women in their late 20's, early/mid/late 30's who're single and searching for a spouse. There are many women who have been divorced or widowed but do not have any children. And so far, it looks like this guy will not even consider them as a spouse based on 1 single criteria only.....their lack of a child. And that to me is sad.
There is much more to a marriage than a person who has a child vs. who doesn't. The fact that an entire group of women are rejected based on this criteria ONLY is disturbing to me. For anyone to judge a woman ONLY based on what her uterus has accomplished (or in many cases, NOT accomplished) is beyond ridiculous.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two.....
I agree with you Paheli.....that reverse discrimination is as objectionable as simple discrimination. The only reason why I don't take offence in this case is because the ladies that he is focused on are so often discriminated against that it feels good to see someone pursuing them alone.
Widows, divorcees and single moms so often get the short end of the stick that I don't mind if someone discriminates against the majority, who really do have much greater opportunity, just to give them a special shot.
Re: Life Partner Wanted: Prefer someone with a child or two…
yeah…the idea was so peculiar to me that I had to ask him…of course it was diplomatically done
and the concept of “goodness of human beings” has become so rare that when it comes to people’s lives, you just have to be sure…
hahahha ready made family really? They are either impotent or gay and this guy looks like he knows he is not good enough to make a baby. Why would a healthy stable guy would ever think like this..?
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