A colleague/friend’s husband passed away last year. His anniversary will be soon. They had about 10 years of married life, and have one daughter. So she kept this routine of mourning and sorrow since then. She would cry and cry and cry even if someone mentions her husband and sometimes she would mention him herself and start crying.
Obviously it pained those who love her like me and other friends/colleagues so we started to tell her to be patient and take care of herself for her daughter who is 6/7 and obviously very young to take both the losses; her father’s death and her mother’s wasting over herself together. I gave her my own example over and over that how our mother raised all three of us being a single parent and masha Allah today we all are much happy and satisfied in our life because of the healthy out look towards life we got from our mother.
So the friend started to take interest back in the life. She was pretty and used to dress well; one of those who actually take care to look good and seeing her in this miserable condition was painful. We reminded her back of her old self and told her she should start to live normal because now her daughter needs her the most. And well, what happened today was, a colleague of ours, very sweet and soft spoken and nice otherwise, was talking to her and said, "Since the last year your dressing sense has improved so much. Now you have started to wear Frocks and trousers "(as per fashion here these days) and waghera waghera. the poor friend rather started to explain saying “nahi nahi ye suits to apke bhai sahb (this is how we refer to each other’s husbands in the college) khud le ke stiching ke liye day chuke they. Ye last year ke silay huey the ab pehn rahi hon”.
Khair the talk was over but it left me thinking and wondering and sulking big time. Folks I KNOW how much effort did I and few other colleagues/friends had to put in order to bring her back to life, atleast this much that she should dress well and live normal. And it takes moments for people to ruin all that. I dont know whether she said it just by the way or she meant a taunt but I dont know why people consider it a taboo for a widow to live normal. Well this is why they dont really take care of themselves because people around are like that. This one said it to her face, others might talk on the back. This is what I call sick mentality of this society of ours. Now this is no one’s concern how one dresses or lives but they will consider themselves as a thane dar to come and tell you what to do and what not to and sometimes just pass some innocent remarks that might simply take her peace of mind and sleep for some more days.
We live in a so called Muslim society and we yet don't know or maybe just refuse to know that in Quran it is said that we should prefer to get a window married asap even before a single women. But our behavior towards windows is so pathetic.
well the problem is, she wouldnt have sad that if she were her friend as well. But it has become so common a practice to hurt people at random. this is sick. Where o where is the milk of human kindness!
friend or no friend, this type of behavior is sick. what is it to her what she wears or doesnt wear! if yr frnd cudnt defend herself, u shud have done so for her. if somebody wud have said something like this to a frnd of mine or anyone at all but infront of me i wud have told her off for being so pathetic .
And well, what happened today was, a colleague of ours, very sweet and soft spoken and nice otherwise, was talking to her and said, "Since the last year your dressing sense has improved so much. Now you have started to wear Frocks and trousers "(as per fashion here these days) and waghera waghera. the poor friend rather started to explain saying "nahi nahi ye suits to apke bhai sahb (this is how we refer to each other's husbands in the college) khud le ke stiching ke liye day chuke they. Ye last year ke silay huey the ab pehn rahi hon".
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It is called baat ka batangar banana. I do not find anything objectionable in the comments of your friend. She was merely stating a fact. She did not refer to the death of this poor lady's husband. This widow is sensitive to her loss and that is natural . As you said the other girls is also sweet and soft spoken then why are you taking her comments as taunt ? Seems you are more sensitive than this widow friend of yours.
Friends do take interest in each others life and do appreciate in positive change in behavior what is so wrong about it ?
It is called baat ka batangar banana. I do not find anything objectionable in the comments of your friend. She was merely stating a fact. She did not refer to the death of this poor lady's husband. This widow is sensitive to her loss and that is natural . As you said the other girls is also sweet and soft spoken then why are you taking her comments as taunt ? Seems you are more sensitive than this widow friend of yours.
Friends do take interest in each others life and do appreciate in positive change in behavior what is so wrong about it ?
aww thank you. that was really helpful!
P.S: I dont blame you. you could have understood it better if you were a woman and knew the venomous usages of tongue. And how can you ever feel the pangs of a widow anyway? shoo. Baat ka batangar huh? thanks again.
Widows have to behave such that they don't get such 'nasty' comments from people around. My mom has stopped wearing bright colours, stopped dying her hair, stopped wearing any jewellery etc so that people don't think that she is living 'very happily' after my dad's death. We have to force her to live normally and give a damn to what people say. The usual log kia kahain gey thing bothers us desi people a lot. My mom is not a young widow and still have dread about such behaviour of people. Living as normally as possible affects the overall attitude of widows as well as their children (if any). We need to see our mom strong and not going away from life as we have already lost our dad and need to have our mom with us in a normal way if possible.
Why should a window's life, or for that matters anybody at all, be dictated by what people would say?
Because as I said, 'log kia kahain gey' etc. Dekho husband ki death k baad kitna tip top hai ye lady, is ko bilkul bhi apni husband ki death ka dukh nahi hai. She is not at all bothered etc. Should a widow need to give proof of how sad she is after her husband's death?
Because of such issues, my mom did not participated in mehendi rasams in a recent shadi because people would not like widow to be doing such rasams and sadly the guy's mother also did not insist my mother to do these rasams. So such issues exist in our society.
Because as I said, 'log kia kahain gey' etc. Dekho husband ki death k baad kitna tip top hai ye lady, is ko bilkul bhi apni husband ki death ka dukh nahi hai. She is not at all bothered etc. Should a widow need to give proof of how sad she is after her husband's death?
Because of such issues, my mom did not participated in mehendi rasams in a recent shadi because people would not like widow to be doing such rasams and sadly the guy's mother also did not insist my mother to do these rasams. So such issues exist in our society.
people can go to hell! nobody is gonna be there for u when ur lonely and sad so we shudnt care abt what they say/think.
Probably she was just complimenting her for dressing up and was happy for her??? I mean if my friend came out of depression like this, I would compliment her and acknoweldge the fact that life doesn't stop after the death of your spouse and she must carry on with this. But then again, I dunno about her tone so probably she was taunting.. if such is the case, HOW RUDE!!!
Widows have to behave such that they don't get such 'nasty' comments from people around. My mom has stopped wearing bright colours, stopped dying her hair, stopped wearing any jewellery etc so that people don't think that she is living 'very happily' after my dad's death. We have to force her to live normally and give a damn to what people say. The usual log kia kahain gey thing bothers us desi people a lot. My mom is not a young widow and still have dread about such behaviour of people. Living as normally as possible affects the overall attitude of widows as well as their children (if any). We need to see our mom strong and not going away from life as we have already lost our dad and need to have our mom with us in a normal way if possible.
this. Ashy you can see here where Im coming from. Again, getting a life doesnt really mean to wear bright clothes only. They are purely one's choice. Many people dont wear bright even at young age. But being young and consciously NOT dying your hair, taking care of your self and dress well only because "what people might say" is sickening. Hello its not "people"s life. Its about how "people" and their fear affects your lifestyle. I wish widows were stronger enough to mu torh once who passes such comments so that they keep their mouth shut the next time. We cannot simply allow everyone to make us so vulnerable. I think its a hinduish soch. where does Islam ask widows to wear white?
And for some clarification:
1: people at work are never "sweet and soft spoken" without being diplomatic. So we take such behaviours only as good as they dont affect us. Being sweet and soft spoken, and giving such comments is very very common in the women social circle.
2: a few days before this colleague said this, (complimented my friend's "sudden change of dress sense in only a year," the year her husband died), another one, a lady clerk at our college, who used to act so sympathetic and all that to her, asked, "tussi aye lipstick waghera gharon la ke anday o?" (she likes to talk in punjabi at work) and the friend took out and showed her that it was a lip gloss only and at that she said "nahi nahi koi baat nai bas aithey a ke la liya karo tey ghar jan to pehle mu dho liya karo". Now look at it and tell me was this also as innocent and baji-like suggestion? She made it look like as if she was doing something wrong so she should be careful about it. using a lip gloss only??
And these two incidents happened in front of me. Im sure she would be hearing such things everyday from one or another. And one day soon, she will give in.
Probably she was just complimenting her for dressing up and was happy for her??? I mean if my friend came out of depression like this, I would compliment her and acknoweldge the fact that life doesn't stop after the death of your spouse and she must carry on with this. But then again, I dunno about her tone so probably she was taunting.. if such is the case, HOW RUDE!!!
Allah knows what was in her hearts of hearts. I said it above Im no sure she was taunting or complimenting, but I think if she was only complimenting she shouldnt have referred to "during this year". My friend had always been well dressed and choosy about it because her husband took care of it that she always looked great. He took her to shopping every once in a while and even would take her dresses to the tailor for stitching and further designing (as our friend tells us) So there could be hundred and one ways of complimenting without mentioning it in a way sounding like she started to dress well and follow fashion once her husband passed away? Why do you guys think I will feel upset if her tone and words were that pleasant. We get compliments every now and then, I dont start threads on them.
Widows have to behave such that they don't get such 'nasty' comments from people around. My mom has stopped wearing bright colours, stopped dying her hair, stopped wearing any jewellery etc so that people don't think that she is living 'very happily' after my dad's death. We have to force her to live normally and give a damn to what people say. The usual log kia kahain gey thing bothers us desi people a lot. My mom is not a young widow and still have dread about such behaviour of people. Living as normally as possible affects the overall attitude of widows as well as their children (if any). We need to see our mom strong and not going away from life as we have already lost our dad and need to have our mom with us in a normal way if possible.
obviously no one wants to get change. they would revel at their loss and never want to come out of it. is it alright then to let them do that and not helping them coming back to life? can life stop if someone dies? what about those who are alive and want your attention even more (like her kid in this case)
I guess it's kinda sad but if it frustrates you so much, then next time someone says something to your friend just say something to shut them up like 'Oh I think it looks really good You should dress like this more often'
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