I had this whole post lined out and now when I am actually writing it, nothing makes sense 
but here it goes…
I was talking to one of my female friends who recently got married. It was amazing to see how much she had changed for her husband. He is a very nice guy, and she is able to continue her studies and wat not. But just the way she sounded, it seemed like you have to change a lot after shadi. Is this true that a girl’s life revolves totally around her husband??I mean sure thats a good thing but is it true that after shadi, you dont have a personality of your own at all whatsoever?? I am all about making sacrifices for your spouse and what not but is this true that usually the girl ends up making many more changes?
I would be interested in listening to both genders and their experiences Enligten me!
one thing
tell the girl not to change herself for the husband
its WRONG!! it shows that she is prepared to do everything for him and will nto even take anyone else's (including her own!!) opinions into account....
sure she loves her husband but to sell yourself out and sacrifice yourself is showing your husband he can do whatever he wants with you and it'll be okay with you, theres no respect when you dont respect yourself enough to stay yourself
Yaar Xara, its easy for us to say this when we are not married. Thats how i used to think but all these stories i hear, makes me wonder if we still even think the same after shadi.
of course you do, ^ two of my friends are married and they stayed the same
you just have to be confident in what you believe in, its just not right to let a guy rule even your thoughts
in the end its going to lead to ure own downfall, i mean being mentally dependant on him doesnt say much abt you does it??
Re: Life after shadi?
[QUOTE]
Originally posted by Ira: *
I had this whole post lined out and now when I am actually writing it, nothing makes sense :) but here it goes.......
I was talking to one of my female friends who recently got married. It was amazing to see how much she had changed for her husband. He is a very nice guy, and she is able to continue her studies and wat not. But just the way she sounded, it seemed like you have to change a lot after shadi. Is this true that a girl's life revolves totally around her husband??I mean sure thats a good thing but is it true that **after shadi, you dont have a personality of your own at all whatsoever??* I am all about making sacrifices for your spouse and what not but is this true that usually the girl ends up making many more changes?
I would be interested in listening to both genders and their experiences :) Enligten me!
[/QUOTE]
truly scary! :)
I would hate getting married if I have to change myself to the extent of losing my own personality.
marraige is all about compromise ,sacrifice and love and yes mostly girls changes after getting married :-) i dont see anything wrong in that if changes are positive and for your family .
Xara and CB---I totally agree with you guys. Thats why i posted this here to see what other people's views are on this. :)
Mehroo Aapi---So is it that you are not yourself anymore??To me this is sooo wierd. Maybe it doesnt happen to everyone?? I mean, I am myself for 20 some years and then all of a sudden I have to be a totally different person? :(
Nobody stays the same after marriage and I am taking about husband & wife. Sooner or later both have to make compromises and sacrifices for a happy life. I don't think its true when people say that they stayed the same.
as one moves from one stage of life to another some changes happen..ever run into high school pals after you had gone to different universities and different programs? or gone into different careers after graduation from college.
with marriage the responsibilities are changed, #1 you have to be more responsible for your own life #2- you have to factor in that another person is involved now as well.
so some change is inevitable, but it does not fundamentally alter the personality of the individual. In extreme cases where people have to reinvent themselves to keep the marriage going are there as well, but that is not the norm when two educated, civilized and mature ppl get married.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by roshnie: *
Nobody stays the same after marriage and I am taking about husband & wife. Sooner or later both have to make compromises and sacrifices for a happy life. I don't think its true when people say that they stayed the same.
[/QUOTE]
thats true, but to completely change yourself?? yes of course there has to becompromise, but there are limits
When two people get married everything in their lives changes, Inevitably both change, but how much depends on the people and the circumstances.
Things will change when there are children, when jobs change and when children grow..... it's a continuing process.
Salaam.
Im married but im not changes after my
marriage im still the same my cousins also
said that to me.
That im still the same after marriage.
Sometime's i think why some of the girls
change after marriage.
Nilu.
Life after shaadi can remain as before if both husband and wife keep their individuality. They can continue being themselves if they choose to remain who they are. The purpose of marriage is never to change the other person. In fact, it is to learn and grow together as individuals. We argue and fight with our siblings and to think that it won't happen with our spouse at some point in life is silly. One can remain the same, if he or she is given the opportunity.
Both spouses should learn to enjoy time with each other and learn to appreciate time away from each other.
My husband and I have been friends throught, from the first day we spoke up until now (thanks to allah). Yes, we have our fair share of ups and downs, but we stay consistent with our personality. Our friends always remark at how we have not "changed".
Togther, as a couple, we enjoy each others company but we also know that we have our own choices and preferences.
So I get a mixed signal: some people mostly women, might have to change themselves a lot becuz their husbands might be stubborn and expect the wife to change??And some people and from wat i see, most of the people who replied here, think it should be a friend-friend relationship on top of a husband-wife relation and both of them have to make sacrifices to make the relationshiop work :)
I suppose the more conservative families, train their daughters from the begining, that its always the girl who has to make the sacrifices, changes etc etc. As far as I can remember, my mother has always told me and sis that its the girl's responsibility to make a marriage work , she has to make the necessary adjustments etc etc. But ofcourse times have changed a lot. I guess I wanted to know how much, have the times changed :) . THanks to every one who replied to this thread. I wish we could have gotten more experiences and responses.
How do you define change? What kind of change are we talking bout? Do you feel that the personality of the person changes or do they change themselves in regards to their priorities towards you or friends?
It is not just the girls but also the guys. My married friends hardly come to our weekly meetings which have been going on since our university days. They always seem to have no time at all. Have to go home to their families and have to “give time to their family”.
Their inability to be out for a few hours for playing snooker on week ends is quite mystifying to the few single guys left in the pack. So do they qualify as “changed after shadi”?
paindoo
you could say that there is a change or a shift in priorities, or look at it as an additional responsibility that they have which takes time away from other people, activities or interests.
balancing the priorities and commitments is hard. I know friends who had a hard time balancing professional life after college, and although the rest of teh group was still in student mode, these guys were working crazy hours and we did not see them that much, they also had company events and socializing with their colleagues. They did make time for us, but it was not like before.
look at it the same way, if someone is married they have one additional responsibility that he/she did not have, not only does that take time away from other people, sometimes the least critical things get dropped.
...is over for the guy. There is no such thing as "I want to", " I will like to" its all about "We" and for thos of you who do not know what "We" means are not married.
P.S. We stands for What she wants.
I don't think my woman will have to change herself for me after we get hitched. We both might have to compromise and adjust, but nothing as drastic as changing the personality altogether.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
paindoo
you could say that there is a change or a shift in priorities, or look at it as an additional responsibility that they have which takes time away from other people, activities or interests.
balancing the priorities and commitments is hard. I know friends who had a hard time balancing professional life after college, and although the rest of teh group was still in student mode, these guys were working crazy hours and we did not see them that much, they also had company events and socializing with their colleagues. They did make time for us, but it was not like before.
look at it the same way, if someone is married they have one additional responsibility that he/she did not have, not only does that take time away from other people, sometimes the least critical things get dropped.
[/QUOTE]
OOOK so it is balance of priorities and commitments, which is understandable and of course justified, and is applicable to any one with a sense of responsibility irrespective of the gender but what is this change that these girls are talking about. Why do they make it sound so terrifying ?
Change is inevitable when you marry. And yes, I think its typically the woman whose life changes the most. But that shouldnt be a bad thing or a scary thing! And it doesnt mean that the womans personality has to change, its mostly lifestyle.
Before I married, my hubby & I were both working. We both wanted the same things out of life - a hearth and home, children with mom at home taking care of them. So we both had the same desires. My husband's life changed of course but not as dramatically as mine. Everything about my life is different now with my 3 little boys - even my personality. I'm a Mom now, not a professional techie so of course I'm different. But again, this isnt a bad thing, its just part of growing and going thru life.
Change is bad when its done for the "wrong" reasons - having kids because youre "supposed" to, marrying someone you dont really want to marry, etc etc.