Most girls still tend to wait until they're married to start "living" i.e travel new places, try new expeirences etc. And please, dont give us this crap that we can still do all this before marriage...many of us still come from families where anything aside from school/work can be done "shadi ke baad."
So along comes the dude who does EVERYTHinG (traveling, hanging with freinds) basically enjoying his youth (nothing wrong with that btw). Marries a girl who waited til she got married to start doing all these things, and he's suddenly tired and wants to chill out. he had all his fun and now when wife wants to have fun, hes too tired.
Most girls still tend to wait until they'r emarried to start "living" i.e travel new places, try new expeirences etc. Dont give us this crap that we can still do all this before marriage...many of us come from families where anything aside from school/work can be done "shadi ke baad."
So along comes the dude who does EVERYTHinG (travelling, hanging with freinds) basically enjoying his youth. Marries a girl who waited til she got married to start doing all these things, and he's suddenly tired and wants to chill out.
Fanna, it may be that these finance issues have affected him more deeply than he has let you know. Have an open discussion with him, tell him how you are feeling about the situation, allow him to explain to you how he feels really and truly. Listen to eachother.
Hope u work it out so you both get some of what you want.
i know the economy IS BAD, but its not that bad, that a gift no matter how small, can be bought. im sure you or he can afford a gift even if its 10 dollars....i think blaming the economy is not the real reason.
plus i think you need to talk to him. he may not even realise that hes alacking in effort.
ive only been married 7 months, my husband seems to be changing for thebetter mashallah..he wasnt a monster in the frist place, was just very quiet, and appeard strict, now hes chilled abit more and more considerate....
BUT if i ever do feel hes done something or is lacking in effort in something, i tell him. THATS MEN.
Most girls still tend to wait until they're married to start "living" i.e travel new places, try new expeirences etc. And please, dont give us this crap that we can still do all this before marriage...many of us still come from families where anything aside from school/work can be done "shadi ke baad."
So along comes the dude who does EVERYTHinG (traveling, hanging with freinds) basically enjoying his youth (nothing wrong with that btw). Marries a girl who waited til she got married to start doing all these things, and he's suddenly tired and wants to chill out. he had all his fun and now when wife wants to have fun, hes too tired.
Most girls still tend to wait until they're married to start "living" i.e travel new places, try new expeirences etc. And please, dont give us this crap that we can still do all this before marriage...many of us still come from families where anything aside from school/work can be done "shadi ke baad."
So along comes the dude who does EVERYTHinG (traveling, hanging with freinds) basically enjoying his youth (nothing wrong with that btw). Marries a girl who waited til she got married to start doing all these things, and he's suddenly tired and wants to chill out. he had all his fun and now when wife wants to have fun, hes too tired.
how is it so unfair ... just like you grls were planing on doing all these things after marriage ... the poor guy was planning on settling down after marriage so he doesn't have to do all that ... i think the only fair compromise will be some where half way
how is it so unfair ... just like you grls were planing on doing all these things after marriage ... the poor guy was planning on settling down after marriage so he doesn't have to do all that ... i think the only fair compromise will be some where half way
except that compromise is usually in favor of the dude and his wanting to "settle" down. btw, i dont agree that settling down = less fun. I still see couples who are newly married that go on trips, that go out and have fun etc.
^ Agree with Sara..my cousin is married and has been so for six years and even though she and her husband work and are super busy most of the time they always make plans to have a fun and relaxing trip. Like last year they went to Peru and went hand gliding and snorkeling. These aren't things you do once on your honeymoon and call it a day. Yes, finances are taking a toll on our lives but he settled for "settling" before finances became an issue. My cousin tells me its important to do fun things and be adventurous even if its just going on a hike down the street or at a nearby park and this all must be done before a baby comes along. Once there's a baby, kiss the adventures goodbye for at least 6 years. And for those who think I am expecting a bollywood marriage, I am really not. I would prefer to have a marriage where we do fun things that I have never done before yet work hard and piously to deserve it. When I am hiking with him or doing some other fun thing, I want to feel excited and happy and like I deserve it b/c Allah knows I work hard all week. Yes I get f Fridays off but I use that day to study and clean the house and of course cook. Before marriage, I went hiking in the summer and used to go out to movies and lunch/dinner with cousin and friends and that's about it. I used to dream to be like this adventurous couple from my mosque that both worked but they did many fun things throughout the year like hike at a local park, drive to far away areas to camp, sight see, go to museums and once in a while travel out of state to rock climb, take nature walks etc. I don't expect this level of activity with him but once winter is over we can bike ride at the local beach one weekend and a few weeks later hike at the nearby park (not so nearby but an hour away since we live in the city..but dont mind the travel) and then we don't have to do anything exciting for a whole month..maybe also make friends at the local mosque and go out to brunch or invite them over for tea and if he thinks we should make more than just Muslim friends he is welcome to introduce me to any married coworkers we could have fun with. All he wants is his chai and news in the evening and an occasional head or back massage that I give him willingly and happily..I am asking too much aren't I? (note the sarcasm here) I do so much to get his attention. I put makeup on everyday only for him (90% of the time) and make sure to wear clean attractive clothing and what the heck, I could go on for hours..I have to get back to work before my boss decides I waste too much time and fires me..(even though I think this venting is healthy though I should do it on my own personal time)
OK...firstly, stop doing things only and only for him. the problem with many desi girls is...we make all these "sacrifices" or put in a lotta "effort" on things we THINK matter to the dudes...when they actually don't really care/notice these things. yes, its true, SOME guys do appreciate a girl who always does her makeup n smells like flowers 100% of the time but maybe your hubby isn't one of those guys. you will like your life alot more when you do things for yourself and enjoy activities regardless of his presence or not. when he sees you doing things your way and having fun, he will feel more attracted to you and want to join u in those activities. i mean, you prob. have a car and some excess time...just tell him casually that you wanna start being more active with the mosque events and from hereon you will go every friday at so n so time. go, make some friends, and tell him how much fun/exciting it is to meet all these new ppl who do this and that. guess what? he'll prob start going with you then.
i remember my phupho always used to say that the dumbest thing young girls do is refuse to eat w/o the husband when he's late from work. the prob with that is, that not only do you become angry or agitated for him being late, but also for keeping you hungry. its a self-imposed restriction/torture and i'm pretty sure the guy doesn't give a crap how hungry you remained for him when you start yelling at him for being late. a guy would prefer that you ate your dinner before he came home, and welcomed him with a smile whenever he did arrive. apply that rule to everything in life....you shouldn't make up stupid rules and put restrictions on yourself just cuz thats how its "supposed to be". just cuz u're married doesn't mean you can ONLY go hiking with the hubby. its OK to do it with other friends too.
the biggest change in me n hubby's relationship since marriage is our conversations. beforehand, we always used to have SOMETHING to discuss...no matter hwo long the phone call got. since we started living together...we're running out of topics to talk about. lol. at first it used to bother me...i tried filling in the silence with whatever crap topics of convos i could come up with. then i realized, that instead of trying extra hard and making myself look dumb, i should just accept that we are both naturally quiet/shy people and when you are living together there's not much to share since everything is happening in front of our eyes. so...now when we ARE a bit quiet i don't feel awkward. its just OK with both of us. and that actually allows us to have good, meaningful convos when we DO talk instead of me expecting him to discuss project runway and kardashian pregnancies with me.
Welcome to real life where love is more than singing songs, poems and getting gifts. Poor guy most probably "over did" before marriage (which is quite common) and now you expect the same from him when he have other gham-e-rozgaaar
lol. and your maa bhen always tried to explained it to you guys k its pointless to be over protective before marriage...per app logoon per to ishq ka bhoot sawar hota hai...and the reasoning you give is "WE CAN AFFORD IT!"....heck...then what happened to you guys after marriage then :p
the fact is we girls only say things (okie i admit that sometimes they are ridiculous) but we never demand em on gun point nor we are as much "perhi-laki ba shaoor" as much as you guys claim.
and the other fact is whether the guys has studied finance, economics, doctors, engineers, pilots etc, only handful knows how to spend money wisely.
OK...firstly, stop doing things only and only for him. the problem with many desi girls is...we make all these "sacrifices" or put in a lotta "effort" on things we THINK matter to the dudes...when they actually don't really care/notice these things. yes, its true, SOME guys do appreciate a girl who always does her makeup n smells like flowers 100% of the time but maybe your hubby isn't one of those guys. you will like your life alot more when you do things for yourself and enjoy activities regardless of his presence or not. when he sees you doing things your way and having fun, he will feel more attracted to you and want to join u in those activities. i mean, you prob. have a car and some excess time...just tell him casually that you wanna start being more active with the mosque events and from hereon you will go every friday at so n so time. go, make some friends, and tell him how much fun/exciting it is to meet all these new ppl who do this and that. guess what? he'll prob start going with you then.
i remember my phupho always used to say that the dumbest thing young girls do is refuse to eat w/o the husband when he's late from work. the prob with that is, that not only do you become angry or agitated for him being late, but also for keeping you hungry. its a self-imposed restriction/torture and i'm pretty sure the guy doesn't give a crap how hungry you remained for him when you start yelling at him for being late. a guy would prefer that you ate your dinner before he came home, and welcomed him with a smile whenever he did arrive. apply that rule to everything in life....you shouldn't make up stupid rules and put restrictions on yourself just cuz thats how its "supposed to be". just cuz u're married doesn't mean you can ONLY go hiking with the hubby. its OK to do it with other friends too.
the biggest change in me n hubby's relationship since marriage is our conversations. beforehand, we always used to have SOMETHING to discuss...no matter hwo long the phone call got. since we started living together...we're running out of topics to talk about. lol. at first it used to bother me...i tried filling in the silence with whatever crap topics of convos i could come up with. then i realized, that instead of trying extra hard and making myself look dumb, i should just accept that we are both naturally quiet/shy people and when you are living together there's not much to share since everything is happening in front of our eyes. so...now when we ARE a bit quiet i don't feel awkward. its just OK with both of us. and that actually allows us to have good, meaningful convos when we DO talk instead of me expecting him to discuss project runway and kardashian pregnancies with me.
well said ... people change as times change. we move on ahead with our lives.. and mostly the change is for good. we don't realise but this usually is changing for the better. a fiery over expressive emotional relation is fun while it LASTS and then bam, nothing's left... but consistency mutual trust and loyalty comes with time. it's when guys become more focused and serious about life..with a lot of responsibilities.
so the best option would be to relax, take things the way they come ACCEPT them. like don't make your poor hubby the epitome of everything you do with. start having a social life of your own. keep yourself busy with other things. so that you have a busy day and when your hubby gets home you are not mad at him to death for being away for so long and not giving you enough time...
trust me little positive changes and adaptability in the woman's attitude can do wonders :)
except that compromise is usually in favor of the dude and his wanting to "settle" down. btw, i dont agree that settling down = less fun. I still see couples who are newly married that go on trips, that go out and have fun etc.
see sara right now the complain is that the compromise is usually in favor of the dude ... well it can never be dab smack in the middle ... so someones gonna lose somewhere ... and i completely agree settling down doesn't mean less fun ... but its just that the idea of fun maybe different ... like i'd love to sit down with a good book and a bag of chips ...s ome ppl might find that boring and their idea of fun might be going out shoppin or something ... or instead of going to a hustling bustling place like NYC the guy wants to go to some place serene or quiet like those campin things or hiking and the grl thinks its so boring and lame ... my solution would probably be i pick the place once and u get to pick the place the nxt time but it usually does'nt quite work out htat way
**(I have no clue why this thing is in bold..am trying to rid of it but khair)
I made a few friends from the mosque and they live in the Suburbs and are too far away and too busy to hangout with. They hang out with girls that live near them and most of them have a car. Its expensive having a car in the city b/c of ridiculous parking fees everywhere you go plus there's the gas and insurance. We bought a car in the beginning and then had to sell it to a dealer for less than what we paid since it was getting tooo expensive. But boy do I wish I had a car to go out by myself. I have a friend from school but every time we try to hangout she ends up having to babysit her sisters kids and she also lives far but within the city. Its not too safe to go to her place and come back in the evening cuz she lives like 45 minutes away by subway ride. I'm not getting into personal details such as where I live etc for obvious reasons so don't ask. Just know lots of public transport is available here but it takes longer to get to places (since subway trains stop often for stops etc) I have settled with this life and stopped trying to have lively conversations. I try n keep myself busy but with winter and the awful weather that's hard. In the Summer I used to take long walks by myself not only as exercise but also b/c I loved the fact there was sun out. Nowadays I just have to adjust for the weather and that's difficult but okay once I got used to it. Once I am finished with night school and working at this lame part time job I am sure I can buy a car and get a life of my own. shudder just to think how long that will take. Our finances are a bit messed up but we can get back on our feet in no time I'A if we just save save save...as for getting involved in mosque-thats a hard thing to do these days. Getting to the mosque takes a car since its in the suburbs and getting there by subway is near impossible. I have to take 2 trains and a bus to get there. So thats not an option at the moment. I wish I could contact he mosque and get a ride but most people live more near the mosuqe and not near me..and the young crowd there is too young or too old and the crowd in between scarce. Theres another mosque that's perfect full of young youth and young newly married people and my brothers friend that lives here says I should go there but that one is just way too far for us..Like I said..I'A we'll get through this financial mess and dust ourselves off..
**
Okay ladies, I am asking for how your hubby was before and after marriage. How did your husband woo you, meaning get your heart and make you say yes? How did you guys act with each other and what things did he do for and with you before marriage and how is he now and how long have you been married? For some, your husband must have acted the same for quite some time but it eventually dulled and died down..come on, he can't keep up the same lifestyle as he did before marrying you..unless hes the gem of the world..
Okay so my story. So, before marriage he used to email me all the time and call me and this was before me saying yes. We talked for hours and days before meeting. I said yes after he asked me privately in our garden. We both knew all along we were into each other and wanted to get married so it was no big surprise. He did not have a ring at the time and I didn't care. After this he went back home to his home state where he lived and he called me almost everyday and emailed me. I would get random texts saying hi. He sent me a birthday card for my bday and even if I claimed I was busy he wouldn't let me off the phone with him. I thought it was cute. Well, a year passed by and we set the wedding date. Then he used to call and tease me and say after marriage our kids will look like this and that and we'll do that..
Now, after marriage..I hit the alarm clock and entered reality. We have been married 4 years. He took me out to lunch for my bdays but no gift. He gives me money and expects me to get my own gift. Last year he tells me the economy is bad and we are not doing anything for my bday so we just stayed home until his friend called and took us out..how nice :-) He expects me to wake up super early and make chai and I don't mind but he even begs on the weekends for chai like at 8:00 a.m. Hubby please! I work during the day and go to night school, give me some rest on weekend. He always tries to get me to make chai by saying no one makes it like me..Thats as cute as it gets. He comes home and wants dinner and watches the news and goes online and then wants to go to sleep. Its like he's a robot now and doesn't want to have those lively conversations he did before we tied the knot and that lead us into our first year of marriage. I love him none the less and hope to work this out with him I'A..Other than that hes very nice to me..provides me with shelter etc etc..Its just I would like more than that..I'm not asking for a diamond puhleaze! hehe but hes still the best!
hahaha while after reading your story, now i feel i am not alone and all men are almost same.. so i think its their nature..!
I think in the beginning it is like a fairy tale for everyone...when you get married and you really know the person you feel like that early excitement of getting to know them is gone and things can get a little boring...The best thing to do is try new things that lets you discover new things about yourself and your hubby. Example: take a rock climbing class or ballroom dancing...Also taking a solo vacation for a week or 2 is a good way to get a break from each other and gives both partners a chance to miss the other and appreciate them more...
ours is getting much better from past few months .. we will be celebrating our 4th anniversary pretty soon....
i totally agree with someone who said u got to start doing things for yourself and enjoy activities regardless of his presence... change your attitude, it works
maybe you can stop paying attention to him for a little bit? how about you develop other things to divert your attention that fulfill you and make you happy?
i think you need distractions so you dont focus so much on him and what he does. not because you dont care but because he needs to feel a little uncomfortable also. it cant be that you are going through all of this emotional turmoil and he has NO idea.
i know your finances are tight but how about a small pet? i know it sounds funny but it might help to have a little cat in the house.
Are there any organizations near you that you can become active in? do some volunteer work? meet people? if there arent any, start one!
workout...that is a sure fire way to feel better and release any stress you might have
take a class together...my friend and her husband took a massage class together.
do you like to cook?
basically the idea is for you to develop other interests and hobbies...