Do you think you could forgive and forget if your partner had an affair or would it depend on how serious it had been or how many times s/he had betrayed you, lied to you.
what if they thought it wasnt such a big deal and couldnt understand why you made such a big deal of it.
Could life ever be the same again.
I have been in this situation (no I didnt have an affair, I was cheated on) and now its all over, he thinks I should be exactly the same towards him as I was before all of this happened. But i dont think thats possible. There will always be a tiny tiny voice reminding you of what happened. No matter how hard you try you cant change the fact that it happened. You cant trust him so completely as you did before. I think its worse for someone like me cos I had such an unhappy childhood I was made to feel so worthless by my siblings and my parents didnt notice or didnt care. And my confidence was always zero,self esteem zero.
And I wasnt expecting this from my marriage. For five years were so happy and so much in love I was on top of the world, and I was brought back down with a nasty bump. Which made my confidence go even lower than it had been before. I felt worthless again. He totally broke my heart.
Now he has completely changed and hes so attentive now and hes very loving and caring. He always comes home from work early cos he says he misses me. He takes a lot of days off. Maybe hes realised what he almost lost.
Some people say a marriage can be stronger after an affair but i dont think thats true.
Please share your views guys and girls.
Thanks
Personally, I would never forgive the person, if she cheated on me. There is no excuse for that. That would be the end of the relationship, no if's and's or but's. I wouldn't even look back, or even think twice.
I suppose things to consider are when the affair occured and why you felt he did it. Also in our culture children come into play.
However in the end whatever you choose to do can only be decided by you and not by others or what you feel culture promotes.
Personally, I can only take so much of it. If its done once, its a big bump to get over and takes a lot of time and patience to overcome such a big ordeal. Brings your own shortcomings into question, I mean after all we are our worst critic and yes, as you've mentioned, self esteem does come into play.
I would want answers as opposed to just a flimsy sorry. Sometimes apologies aren't enough where action convey a lot more. The partner has to show some sort of improvement. It depends from one individual to another how forgiving one is, if I want to I can certainly move forth and build from the affair onwards given that the other party shows that they are trying and giving it their best in every way possible to avoid the same conscience mistake Reminds me of Bruce Willis's line from "Die Hard", what did you trip and fall on him and he slipped in!!
I don't know what I would do if it were to happen a second time. At that point, its best if the cheater goes and f***s with other people's brains rather than waste my time.
I am not big on second chances. once u do something like this, there is no turning back, not even how much attention or things he try to improve. It'll always seem so fake. I dont think anyone can give u any advice, all i can say is stay strong, think whats best for u, and make a decision on whether or not u handle this mental stress.
I don't know if I could get past the cheating. He would become a totally different person in my eyes, and there's not way things could get back to normal. It would be too hard to trust him. And I don't buy the "it just happened" argument. There's too much at stake in a marriage and like CocoNut's reference to the Die Hard line implies, it doesn't just accidentally happen.
That said, I suppose it takes a very strong person to forgive. I don't know if I could do it. Did you try spending some time apart? I don't mean like a legal separation. Just some time to reflect on what happened so that you can think over your own feelings.
I know a lot of people are not comfortable with counseling, but you might consider it, to help work through issues in the marriage and those from you struggles with your family during your childhood.
Best wishes.
I wouldnt forget but I might or might not forgive....but even if I did, I wouldnt stay with the person. Thats just me.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Madhanee: *
If the affairee is better than me, then I will be pissed. Would never get upset, because it is shallow not to forgive and forget. Some affairs don’t really mean anything, it is like trying a different food. If there are other irreconcilable differences, then it is better to part ways, but not over a stupid harmless affair.
[/QUOTE]
how can an affair be harmless? a person is cheating on u, betraying ur trust.
i didnt get it..he had affair before marriage? or after marryin you?
if it was before ..and due to some circumstances it didnt work out..
one has right to know wat happen'd ...between them...
and if it was after marriage..then..to be with tis person..might be living hell...i guess..
ebrima_jallow i don’t really know what to say…its sad to read this and my heart really goes out to u sister… 
i hope Allah brings happiness and peace into your life inshallah
welcome to gupshup 
this is a very good place to spend some time and forget about your worries temporarily atleast
Re: Life after an affair
If he thinks it was no big deal- well I would never ever forgive such a person.First of all no matter even if it was one time- I would tell him to pack his bags and be off.
Secondly he does something like this- and dares to say he doesnt understand why you’re makning a bid deal.he’s not worth it.To me it seems like he thinks thats a normal part of a relationahip.Sheesh.
But if you think he’s improved- and regrets what he’s done.Then all the best to you.
thank for your replies.
fret wizard There was a time when I used to say exactly the same thing but when its actually happening to you you have to consider a lot of other things.
hmcq Whatever the problem was he should have talked to me about it rather than going out to find someone else. Yes there are children involved that is one of the reasons that i didnt kick him out.
CocoNut Yes he is trying. He doesnt go out much with his mates anymore and when he does he gets permission from me. Hes very loving towards me now and I know here he is all the time.
suroor_ca02 Yes you’re right it did seem fake all the time at first, but its been two years now and he really seems to be genuine, but like I said you can never be completely sure.
Sahar02 yes he bacame a totally different person. I would look at him and it seemed like he was a stranger. I was like a zombie for ages.
Munni you are a much stronger person than me. Im not stron at all.
Xeus If only it was before marriage. that wouldnt have been a problem. I totally have all the information of what happened how it happened. It was a living hell for a long time but I have got used to it tried to accept that it happened and thats a fact that i cant change.
Do you think it makes a difference that they didnt sleep together.
The reason i know this is that I spoke to the girl many times on the phone behind his back at the time that he was seeing her. she didnt know he was married and she said she wouldnt see him again but I asked her to. This was just to get evidence and I even heard their converstations through her mobile phone she used to leave it on for me. I wanted all this information so that I could confront him with evidence that all this actually happened, because he is such a good liar that he would have tried to twist things (which he did) to try to get out of it and made me doubt my own mind.
irem Thanks
Muslim_Queen If i had a good supportive family behind me and friends I thinkI would have definitely kicked him out straight away. And there was the kids to consider as well.
I havent made any of this public at all my family are none the wiser about our relationship nobody has any idea. I did tell one of my male cousins but instead of giving me advice he tried to get me to go out with him. and hes married!
After all this I lost all respect for men,i kno not all men are the same but at that time thats how I felt. It would have been a help if I had gupshup at that time.
OMG...! i wld never live with such kinda ov person!
Trust yourself and see how quickly you'll be trusting him and it will be sure. You're not letting go of whats happened. Thats your own doing, he's trying, so should you. Its an effort on both parties.
Ok I am the only cool, calm and collected person on this forum. Everyone else will tell you to kick him out or othay maro jithay paani naseeb na ho but I have a slightly different advice for you.
It has been two years and as per you the guy’s attitude has changed. It is very hard to live with a guilt. Forgive him while he is still seeking forgiveness. Don’t push it too much or he may choose to go back to being himself again.
You have a family, kids and you should work towards making it work. You have an upper hand for the rest of your life..what more do you want?
Don’t ask him the reasons as to why he chose to have an affair…It seems like you are already low on self-esteem and his reasoning might not satisfy you or make you feel worse.
I have a friend who has two stable girlfriends and he is a liar just like your husband….both girls are very sweet and love him like there is no tomorrow….guess what? buddy is going to Pakistan to check out girls for marriage. Your husband could have been worse …just think about it.
Mauf kur dainay mein hi bhaRa pun hai.
^ I’m kinda with Fayz on this one. If you genuinely
feel that he wants ur relationship to work and that he
regrets everything that has ‘happened’ with that other
girl then I think you should try and forgive him. Like
you said there are kids involved, I think they are the
most important.
I don’t know how I would react in such a situation,
but if you step out of it and think rationally (don’t
let your emotions take control) then this does seem
the best solution, for all of you.
I hope things go well between you two, I guess it’s
one of the challenges of marriage.
That is just disgusting. 
I am assuming the two girlfriends do not know about each others’ existence.
Thanks.
I'm just having difficulty making him understand how I feel. He needs to realise that things may never be the same even though they have improved a lot. Only time will tell. He needs to know that there is no time limit on something like this. eg. He cant say that OK its been 2 years, now you must be over it. And to keep saying that hes done nothing wrong will only make it worse. He needs to be patient with me.
I find it amusing to read such black-and-white responses from people who probably never have been involved in and invested into committed relationships.
Each case is different. 'Nuf said.