Let me live my life

Lifestyle Relationships
1

This is about a teenager, a relative… she’s 18. She pings me today and is saying things like no-one in the family cares about me, nobody loves me, etc etc… standard teenage stuff. Then goes on to say that I wanted to go for an iftar with my friends but abbu said no. I don’t even wear jeans even though I like it, cuz abbu and my brothers don’t like it… why don’t they let me live my life, I’m not a bachi any more, etc etc.

I tried my best to re-assure her that everyone does love her and that she’s from a decent conservative family and these are petty issues she’s venting about, she should focus on her studies and all, she’s so much better off than a lot of Pakistani girls her age but she just was not listening to me anymore. She has been complaining to me off and on since a couple of years and I pacify her every time and life goes back to normal.

Another complaint she has is that her elder sister gets all the attention and she’s ignored (which is a bit true as the elder sister has mashaAllah accomplished a lot in life already, even though she’s only 23… and she’s awesome at her studies). Instead of following her example and making her a role model, this girl keeps complaining about her sister getting more attention :hinna:

I want a solution to this problem. How do I deal with this? What do I say to her to make her realize that mashaAllah she has a great dad and great siblings and a good life. She just keeps saying I want everyone to leave me alone and let me live my life :smack: How do I knock some sense into her?

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Re: Let me live my life

thats how :smiley:

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Re: Let me live my life

I can’t do that :frowning:
She’s close to me and I treat her just like my sisters. I genuinely care about her well-being :hinna:

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Re: Let me live my life

Just keep encouraging her, and let her know if she has the urge to do anything crazy, to call you first so you can talk her down.

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Re: Let me live my life

No one can "knock any sense into her" until she realizes that she actually is loved and respected for who she is. She is 18. I know plenty of 18 year olds and know how short-sighted they can be. But, they have opinions and feelings that need validation, more so than their parents or anyone else.

The girl feels ignored and that is a fact. Love should not be tied to accomplishment. Hey, if she sees "conditional love" ("we will pay attention to you IF you achieve a lot in your life") around her, why would she be willing to do anything for the family, or understand a single word they have to say? She deserves to FEEL loved unconditionally.

In my opinon, it is ridiculous as it is to not be allowed to wear jeans, but ok, that's the family's decision, let's leave it aside. The girl IS making that sacrifice. Yes, the parents have and will continue to make huge sacrifices for her, but somewhere along the line, they're forgetting that she needs to feel loved too.

I also don't think that you replied to her in the best way possible. As much as you may (if you do) actually understand her concerns, it isn't clear in what you said that it was conveyed. To tell her to not be concerned about the stuff she is concerned about, is what doesn't help her.

I have found that listening to people (including teenagers) makes them willing to listen to you, even if for very short periods. Ultimately, the girl needs to take responsibility for her life, including how she feels when around her family. She also needs to recognize that they (most likely) do love her and they (try to) have her well-being in mind when making decisions. She needs to learn to stand up for herself, while recognizing that her parents mean the best for her.

This can easily take a decade for her to learn (or more), which is fine. That is what life is about; to live and learn.

Just an aside though, as much as (most) parents consciously intend the best for us, it doesn't mean that the stuff actually is good for us. We need to put on our own thinking hats too, if we actually want our well-being.

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Re: Let me live my life

Excellent advice from Curious Lady.
I'm dealing with an 18 year old that wants to "live her life" as well. Yikes....what a nightmare!

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Re: Let me live my life

A) She is at the age where she will be crying about something every 5 minutes.

B) Living in your sister's shadow can cause resentment and these feelings to come out...its normal.

C) She needs to see her own accomplishments and also be recognized for them...so maybe helping her see all of her qualities is a good way to go about it this. Once she sees she isnt less than her sister, she will be fine.

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Re: Let me live my life

Those minor insignificant things become major when they're all added up and would be upsetting most of us if we were in that situation imo..

Not allowing her to wear jeans as well as not letting her go to her friends' houses for iftaar etc., why don't her family compromise and let her go at least for a little while with conditions eg. dad drops her off and picks her up.. I think treating someone too strictly can lead to a lot more trouble in the long run, she might decide one day she can't handle it all and leave home or fail her exams from all the stress..

If her parents give her brothers more freedom and leeway that's also obviously going to make her feel a million times worse, if this is the case can't blame her if she feels resentment..

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Re: Let me live my life

She lives in Pakistan and her family is sometimes strict but not all the time, she has been to plenty of birthday parties, dinners, etc. It was just this one time her dad said no, based on the past experiences (boys being present there) :hinna:.

I’m sure everyone here is also aware of the way men stare at jeans-clad girls over there and I have been telling her that its for your own good but she keeps saying I don’t care if guys stare, all the girls wear jeans… I look bad and paindoo in Shalwar Kameez.

There is no way I can influence her parents’ decisions for her, she’s usually just venting with me. I was curt with her today I guess, cuz I’m tired of hearing the same things again and again… want her to grow up.

I think she’s also suffering from low self-esteem issues :bummer:

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Re: Let me live my life

^ how many siblings?

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Re: Let me live my life

^Six siblings. She's the second last one.

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Re: Let me live my life

18 is a tough age, but I think Curious Lady put it best......

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Re: Let me live my life

Get her a boyfriend. It will solve 90% of her current complaints. :D

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Re: Let me live my life

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Re: Let me live my life

Yeah right, so her brothers and dad come after me with a gun. No, thank you.

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Re: Let me live my life

Alhumdulillah I do not have this problem at my home . But sometimes my kids will complain about not having something which I cannot afford to get them.
Then I tell them please thank Allah that you have much better life then billions of people on this planet earth. Count your blessing and what you have and do not count what you do not have or cannot have and Thank Allah .

Next time give her examples of love of her parents , they provide for her clothes , her shoes , her food , provide a roof over her head.
If she gets sick they get worried and make sure that she feels better.
I am sure they must have done many things specially for her as opposed to her brothers and sister point those out. Ask her to make two lists One list of what her parents have done or do for her and let her do and other list of things they did not do for her and did not allow her.
The first list will be longer.

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Re: Let me live my life

Trust me every girl needs a boyfriend at some stage. Its necessary for good mental well being. Plus I will bet her desires for being love will be fulfilled :D

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Re: Let me live my life

All of what you say is valid.
Unfortunately an eighteen year old finds this stuff pretty mundane. They seem to have this "persecution/self-pity" thing going on for a year or so.
Guilt doesn't work. Shame doesn't work.

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Re: Let me live my life

^Yep Muzna, its exactly that.... she goes on and on with the self-pity, its driving me nuts.

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Re: Let me live my life

CL gave great advice!

The only way this can be solved is if her and her parents find a middle. Like she starts doing better in studies, while they give her some freedom.

Further, NEVER compare children with eachother. Each child has something unique to offer. I'm sure she has some special talents, which she doesn't concentrate on since she has a low self-esteem. Help her in finding what she's good at and work with her in accomplishing something solid.

Does she have goals in life? If not help her in coming up with some, long-term & short-term.