I have seen countless girls who are absolutely terrified of the thought of being by themselves. This fear can drive them to accept anybody who is willing to step up to the plate - often making them a prime target for attracting negative partners (cause they see the neediness in the female - and the female is willing to accept anybody under the sun despite their major flaws).
Where does this fear come from and why is it so prevalent among young and educated girls in their early 20s?
What can a person do to stop this fear from controlling their life, aside from filling their empty time with activities that actually make them feel good (hobbies, etc.).
How can a person who is terrified of being by themselves become a person who is content and ‘happy’ with their life in spite of being alone?
Those lasses need to start living and not waiting.
No one is ever going to stop saying 'wait till your married', 'only a husband can make you feel like that' blah blah blah.
Such 'educated' lasses should know that whatever will happen when it will happen, and when it's right for them. Instead of sitting around waiting they should 'get out there'. People used to say that to me a lot, 'get out there' and I would often reply 'give me a map and I will!' Not realising that 'out there' isnt a place, it's a state of mind (haha). Accept what you've been given and Allah may allow you more, when He sees best.
We often think that others get everything handed to them on plate, good education, good job, good spouse, good car...rah rah rah. It's all lies. People get what they get as they work hard and/or appreciate the smaller things in life or just cos they do.
Obviously it takes a lot to accept what you've been given when it's not as much as everyone else, but then that's when one needs hope and patience.
Im the other way round, i'm petrified of finding someone who does not live up to the mark, The thought of being with someone who will argue over the most mundane and obvious issues is a real turn off for me. Honest I have issues around rishta's as I always think will he be good enough for me to make a successful marriage with him
I do agree that this mentality is ingrained into us (girls) from childhood .... you start living with a 'man' after marriage (or these days, in a relationship).
Now that so many of us are consciously aware of what this type of conditioning has done to us, does it not become our own personal responsibility to make positive changes in our lives rather than sitting back and waiting, watching and complaining?
Baby steps. That is all it takes .... as long as baby steps are being made in the right direction.
This is sort of related:
My cousin used to be like that. She got married to this worthless guy and long story short, they’re headed for a divorce.
I had posted about her in an earlier thread.
We were seriously worried that she’ll go into a depression or do something bad to herself because of the loneliness.
Here’s what she actually did: She brushed up on her skills and found a job. Moved closer to her parents. She shares an apartment with one of her best friends, and from what i can tell, they are re-living their college life and generally having a blast. She consulted with a dietitian and a personal trainer and lost 20lbs. She looks just FAB now. More importantly she’s fit and happy, and has left that crappy excuse of a husband far behind.
Bottom line - A husband isn’t necessarily going to take care of your loneliness. It’s all up to you.
^wow that is absolutely wonderful mashAllah! I am so happy for your cousin :-)
I think a lot of women feel alone because other people make them feel that way. Parents/other family members can play a role in the sense that they might try embedding the idea of marriage into the girl's mind from day one. I have a few friends who aren't allowed to do certain things like stay out late with friends, go study abroad or even visit different states with their friends because of a mere excuse "shaadi ke baad sab karna!" I mean how unfair is that?!?!? Why can't we experience life in the absence of a male figure shadowing us?? What if her husband won't allow her to have her own space after marriage?? I know this idea is a tad bit different from the OP's original intent but like, desi women need to embrace the fact that marrying at 20 is NOT a necessity and real happiness lies within themselves. You don't need to be married to enjoy certain luxuries. We need to be strong enough to stand up for that!!
I agree with you, beenii, but at the same time if someone is raised with those morals or that sort of thinking, then her friends should be a little more accommodating to her to lessen her loneliness.
Growing up, I had a friend who was raised exactly how you said.. VERY restricted. And I could tell she felt alone because while everyone else was going out, she was staying home. So, rather than always going out, I started arranging get togethers where a few group of girls would come over to my house or hers, this way her mom had time to get to know the girls and see that we're not a bad influence on her daughter. And eventually, she was allowed to live her life like a (somewhat) normal girl.
It's very easy in our society for a girl to head down that path, because before we get married, we're raised to be good daughter, sisters, and/ or role-models. And we're given lessons on how we can become good wives, mothers, daughter-in-laws. Through all of this, there is no where that the girl is given skills or space to learn to be or to find her self.
That being said, I'm very thankful that my parents never pushed the thought of marriage on me. Growing up, I was told what my expectations are and where my limits stand. From there, I was allowed to make my own decisions and live life for my self, make mistakes and learn from them, and learn by watching successful relationships around (i.e. My parents <3). And because of this, I was willing to accept a rishta that was proposed to my parents, and when it didn't work out, my parents supported my decision 100% because they knew that I understood what was best for me, and that rishta wasn't it.
It's not just girls. I've seen guys too who just want companionship and the fear of being alone drives them into places they realise they'd rather not be.
I think it's just the self realisation that you do not need the approval, affection and attention of one "special" person to validate your own existence.
I think (TO AN EXTENT) loneliness is a state of mind and the fear of being alone is irrational and silly.
it isnt culture! it depends on how you have grown up....
i know the same type of girl who LucyMay have explained....
she was just soooooo deperate to get married uff i cant tell you.....she cried n cried alot while her husband-to-be was struggling he wanted sometime to establish himself but then got married early because of her CRYING-all the time....
then after marriage she was crying all the time why?she was missing her parents....n finds diificult to handle the household as she was the laadli beti back at home....
girls have to be "mature" n its parents responsibilty to make their minds ready for living alone as well as shaadi k baad ki life....but unfortunately there are so many girls who dont even drink a glass of water by themselves n they r desperate to get married...dreaming about their prince charming to come in reality as soon as possible....
being alone n living alone all by yourself gives you confidence as well as dealing with others...its not a bad thing....if people take it positively....
How many of you advocating living alone have actually done so? I have lived alone since 19/20. Its sucks ass. Coming home to an empty house with nobody there gets really old really quickly. You can't be alone and be happy. Humans are by default social creatures.
It isn't about living alone. It's about developing your personality, learning to live emotionally by yourself, yet be content with life. It's about filling your life with positive activities that actually fulfill you so you don't feel desperate and lonely all the time.
^wow that is absolutely wonderful mashAllah! I am so happy for your cousin :-)
I think a lot of women feel alone because other people make them feel that way. Parents/other family members can play a role in the sense that they might try embedding the idea of marriage into the girl's mind from day one. I have a few friends who aren't allowed to do certain things like stay out late with friends, go study abroad or even visit different states with their friends because of a mere excuse "shaadi ke baad sab karna!" I mean how unfair is that?!?!? Why can't we experience life in the absence of a male figure shadowing us?? What if her husband won't allow her to have her own space after marriage?? I know this idea is a tad bit different from the OP's original intent but like, desi women need to embrace the fact that marrying at 20 is NOT a necessity and real happiness lies within themselves. You don't need to be married to enjoy certain luxuries. We need to be strong enough to stand up for that!!
Women feel alone because they are made to give birth, nurture and take care. Husbands just support them in the process.
Its unfortunate if a woman is deprived from all the natural happiness of being a woman.
But shyt happens.
Women should not take make them self into a sad story, I mean what the hell.
Work out a little read a little watch a little... have fun.
There is enough stuff in this world not-done, women can do it, make this world and them selves happy.
How ever there is a fine line between woman dealing with a situation and woman trying to become un-woman(or a man)
that need not to be done.
If you are a type of person that is terrified of being along - you are okay with being with someone that is not 100%.
We see examples of people in society getting married at the age of 80 to someone because they can't fathom going on the day without someone by their side. They need companionship and surprisingly it's not just our culture.
Its not easy to live alone and be happy, especially if you're desi. Its so ingrained in us to have a companion, plus whoever mentioned the constant wording "oh do this when you're married or that with your husband".
It isn't about living alone. It's about developing your personality, learning to live emotionally by yourself, yet be content with life. It's about filling your life with positive activities that actually fulfill you so you don't feel desperate and lonely all the time.
You don't need to be alone to have self-confidence and a decent level of self-esteem. You just need support as you grow up as a woman.
you know you always have me!!