Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Lifestyle Relationships
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Who on earth invented this silly, leading families to near bankruptcy, tradition?!

I’ll be finding my own wedding (inshallah, inshallah, inshallah) and have wanted to keep things simple from day one. However, my family is insisting that I follow them in buying a whole load of gifts for the immediate in-laws (him, MIL, FIL, granny and 2 SILs). I love giving and receiving presents but this is becoming a really stressful task for me. I haven’t got much money to spare but have already been forced to buy the MIL 3 suits and a shawl and banarsi sari, the granny a suit and shawl. Its cost me a lot. Now I’m wondering what to get the 2 men and the sisters. I’m stuck for ideas.

For the girls I thought a jora each with matching choorian and earrings? Him dress shirts, a lovely jumper and an aftershave. What about the dad? What do dad’s usually get?

Please help with your ideas. What did you all give? And, am I right to assume I’ll get presents back as well? Not being greedy, just asking!

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

"Laina Daina or Pehnoani"

whattttttttt

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

We were encouraged by the Prophet SAWS to give gifts as it fosters affection between people, so one would think that all these gift-giving rasmain would result in better treatment from in-laws but sadly that doesn't seem to be the case given the horror stories in the forum. Ulta hi hisaab hai.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

this 'lena-dena' tradition came about centuries ago when relatives [especially the close ones] loved and cared for each other. in those days, it was difficult for some families to join/participate in happy occasions like weddings. the boy's and the girl's families made sure that their loved ones were with them to share their happiness.

as a necessity, they paid their close relatives for the clothes and for the transportation which wasn't much as most relatives lived in near by villages, towns and cities. the intentions were good and pure and very much needed.

now as the time passed, this tradition became luxury and a 'show-off' of their status and wealth...as a result, in today's time, it has reached an epic proportion. it's more show-offs than anything else.

this is where the 'devil' lives!

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Discuss it with ur husband and in laws, the gifts are exchanged, tell him not to give u much and u do the same.

Many people do it very conservatively, without anything, but its better for both families to be on same page.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

We gave hubby a watch and money. His mum 4 gold cudde/chooriya and suits.

His brothers shirts and money.

His sister gold earrings and suit.

His jethani a suit. N all his mamoos, chachas shirts, n Khalsa, mamis, chachis suits.

We thought this was the norm. Our relatives were still giving off that this wasn't enough.

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Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I've tried telling family I want to keep the whole affair simple but they're not having it. Say keh naak katt jaeh gi aghar rasmain rivaaj nah pooreh kiyeh :((((

Am I expected to give gold to MIL?! :O I haven't got the budget for it :(

Okay, so guy: watch, aftershave, dress shirts and cashmere jumper...

Mum: as above in my post PLUS gold it seems :(

Granny: as above- I'm not giving her gold.

SILs: suit each and perfume? Jewellery? Makeup? Vouchers? (I hate vouchers and find them offensive :()

FIL: suit fabric? Shirt?

It's all such fazool kharchi I feel :(

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Laina Daina or Pehnoani

He has 2 puppos and 2 chachas who are all married and live in their own respective houses. Not buying them anything. Just the immediate family. I've had to fight to limit it to these 6 people. Is that okay?

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Don't give anything. Refer to my threads and you will see how spoiling in laws leads to destruction.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Since its hard to change customs on short notice and you want to start on right foot, search Groupon.

Not sure what your budget for gifts is but they have diamond gift sets/necklaces for $40-$60 (with face value of 150$-300$). I'd rather give these instead of splitting it into 2-3 small items for each person. Now diamond quality is not the one you want to give to your spouse but hey, its DIAMOND.

I would not go with "dont give anything". Gifts are supposed to increase the bond b/w relationships if given within reasonable limit without any pressure. I am sure you want to gift something to your mil and fil. I would not go as far as phuppo, khala, etc etc. That would be a overkill

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Since its hard to change customs on short notice and you want to start on right foot, search Groupon.

Not sure what your budget for gifts is but they have diamond gift sets/necklaces for $40-$60 (with face value of 150$-300$). I'd rather give these instead of splitting it into 2-3 small items for each person. Now diamond quality is not the one you want to give to your Fiancee/wife but hey, its DIAMOND.

I would not go with "dont give anything". Gifts are supposed to increase the bond b/w relationships if given within reasonable limit without any pressure. I am sure you want to gift something to your mil and fil. I would not go as far as phuppo, khala, etc etc
[/QUOTE]

Decent Chora- I love you! Hadn't even thought about Groupon! Thanks :)

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

:blush:

Hayee Allah. Aisey messages private chat main bhaijey jatey hain

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

lmao!

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Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Lol! Pagal!

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Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Ladies, come on: what did you give and what did you get in return? I'm arguing with the family so need to know what mine/their expectations should be...

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I didn't give any gifts nor did I receive anything from his family on my Nikah or Rukhsati.

I got my engagement ring/wedding band from husband on the Nikah day and my mehr on my Rukhsati day.

My MIL literally had to SNEAK in a gold set as a gift to me because my husband was against any laina daina but she felt she was being unfair to me since she had been able to give on her other sons' weddings.

My parents tried very hard to gift us things but both of us refused to take part in it so it did not happen.

My suggestion is not to argue with your parents yourself if you want to keep things simple...involve your fiance and make it a point to both families that this is your personal decision. This way, there's no naak katne ka savaal. Both parties are on the same page.

If you must, for men...its usually watches, suit pieces, shirt and tie sets, cologne, kurta shalwaar, cuff links, etc.

For women, its usually non-stitched outfits, sometimes gold, bangles, perfume, watches, etc.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I was/am 1000% against gift giving/receiving and refused to participate in buying/presenting any to the in-laws. my husband paid for the wedding entirely on his own including any clothing, jewelry, furniture, kitchen stuff etc that were "gifted" to me.

  1. im not punjabi. My husband is. No sure what being punjabi has to do with this ... this lavish gift giving tradition is present in non punjabis as well as far as i know.

  2. traditions we dont agree with/find unreasonable/out of control wont go away unless each one of us personally makes an effort to change them. Change begins with YOU.

  3. agree with iconoclast and reha

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Decent 6 bhai is awesome, one of the few Guppies I think are cool.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

My family only does one unstitched suit for immediate family; mil, sil. (the bride obviously gets the priority) Men have refused to participate so nothing for the guys other than the groom. My family does point blank no jahez, no dumb rasmain so this one is thankfully dying out.

If you're interested in the return part then eh, go into this fully knowing there may be some room for disappointment. I think maybe you should have coordinated with the other side (or from the least the groom) to find out what they except and what you should expect so zyada ya kam na ho jaye.

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Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I think the groupon gift sounds like a good idea. And ofcourse ur not going to give them the voucher but the diamond pendant/set itself. So everyone gets a piece of jewellery and one unstitched suit. That's it, no need for sari and shawl and suit number one and two. If the jewellery looks reasonably expensive then there won't be any need for anything else. And yes there r more rules and regulations for punjabi gift giving. My in laws r Urdu speaking and they hadn't expected anything for extended family ( phuppos chachas), they don't do that but we did. And for my bils and fil we got a watch each and suit ka kapra each. Fil's was more expensive, bils was under $100 from overstock dot com. Good brands but reduced prices. Infact they have diamond jewellery too. So mil got one suit and two gold karray. Sil got one suit and 1 gold pendant set. For the bils in punjabis we have a rasam called gode bethai where devar figuratively sits in ur gode (lap) till u give him money. They didn't have that rasam but basically I gave their gifts at that time, in place of the money. So there's no haggling and all that. We also did something similar for my brothers wedding when brides sisters ask for money after the dood pilaai. We gave the sisters gold rings, so no money haggling.