Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

in our family the phenawi (which is given on menhdi day) is given to the guy's dada,dadi,nana,nani,mother,father,brothers,bhabhis,sisters,bILs and all nieces and nephews.
un stitched suit each is given, the MIL would get heavy gold jewelry and all other females would get light gold jewelry. the guy himself gets loads and loads of gifts.
in exchange, the girl gets what we call "Bari" and its again loads and loads of things including gold.

22

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

-
I thought the gift giving was meant to be small tokens exchanged between the engaged couple themselves, not as a large scale thing involving inlaws, cousins etc etc.

Seems as though the sunnah has been twisted into something else entirely.. We frown on the couple having contact or exchanging gifts before marriage because it's "shameless" but giving gifts to everyone else is ok :D

23

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

We don't do it much either.. When my brother got married his ex's family was massively into it.. well receiving anyway lol.. I don't remember getting anything at all from them but we were supposed to buy things for their entire family.. My parents were a little bit irritated as it seemed there was more emphasis on gifts and the "show" aspect of it than the relationship itself.. There were even a few arguments when their side said they wanted more..

24

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Our family always goes overboard when a girl is getting married and I hate it. On my wedding, hubby and FIL both got tagheur watches valued at more than $2000 each. Plus suits each. Sweater for FIL and Bvlgari perfume. 3 SIL received gold sets each, MIL got gold karaye worth 6.5 tolaye. They also got 5 suits each. Plus we gave them $4000 to buy clothes for extended family members. Gold earrings for his dado and Nani. This is the norm. Ridiculous , I know.

25

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I know of at least 3 engagements that have broken after the cards were sent out because of demands. 2 from the guy's side and 1 from the bride. Like it's crazy how in this day and age people still lack the class to ask for more and not even for the bride/groom but themselves. Even if people aren't greedy they need to show off to their families. Log kya kahein gay is such a life ruiner. Lol!

Relationships are meant to last a lifetime and gift giving can happen throughout the time. It's not necessary to break the bank as if the wedding is the pinnacle of the relationship and not the rest of the life.

26

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

The norm is to give un stitched suits to the immediate family and their spouses only. People who can afford it add stuff like gold and other stuff but this is the basic requirement. My in laws demanded we give suits to the extended family too but we did not. You can give shalwar kameez fabric or western wear to your FIL. That should be enough.

27

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

These rasms are a joke.

Reading the stories here has shown these rasms do not foster relations or guarantee the bride will live 'happily ever after'.

People will talk no matter what. They will talk if you give then millions and will talk if you give nothing.

If you can afford it, that is fine, I simply see it as a huge burden on families.

My cousin's engagement was recently broken after being engaged for a year, because the 'demands' had started.

28

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

I aint giving jack. everyone knows. Id rather start my marriage with savings than debt. my younger bro didn't listen to me either.

but, do buy everyone nice clothes if you are the only earner in the family. share the joy and love. cut down on all the decoration, cake, hall-size, venue, jewellery, and "Bari". Set a budget, and stick to it, and share it with others. I know it leads to arguments.

id rather give the mehr upfront, than defer. bleh

maithon hor na koyee syanaa

29

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

A few months ago, a Muslim 25-26 year old, here in the DFW area recently started a 'GoFundMe' fund for himself, as he is over $60,000 in debt.

A year or two prior to that he had married,not a lavish wedding in the $100,000's but still a decent wedding in the eyes of "people" . The couple had a child 10 months later, but still $60,00+ in debt.

With all the laina daina, the showing off to people, all of the above can be avoided. This guy started off with debt, and publicly posted his situation.

30

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

You need to talk I your husband to be... Not random people. What do they usually do and also discuss about what you can afford. As long as he is on the same page it really dsnt matter what the other people in the rest of the world do.

31

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Oh God!. you must be loaded. OK this is not the norm for most people. We only gave an unstitched suit to SILs and MIL. Didn't get anything in return.

32

Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Wow! Lots of different views and opinions and practices. I think I need to have a very frank conversation with him and see what the expectations are on his side and what their traditions are. I'm not materialistic person and don't want anything other than a simple wedding with loved ones around lekin this laina daina is turning on it's head. I'm feeling if I'm spending so much, I should definitely get something in return- it's making me bitter and greedy! Lol!

Would the families discuss laina daina amongst themselves too? Eg. Hamari family main hum xyz karthay hain. Aap ki family ki rasm-o-riwayath kyah hain? And, when should this goddamn rasm be adah if one is not having a mehndi but just a registry, nikkah and walima?

33

Keep it simple. I wouldn't even talk to the guy, do what you can. Let no one tell you what to give. What if your husband to be has a different opinion and you don't agree with it. Its all a gift. Give what you want and can afford.
My mil got a small gold set and a suit. Everyone else got unstitched suit. Just his immediate family, no chacha mamoon, phupha, bhetija. Something which is meant to be simple and small has become more of a show off thing. You are funding the wedding, be realistic, do what you can.

34

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Op, it is a delicate matter...so be careful about how you word things if you feel you must discuss it with him.

35

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

OP -

You can talk to him but be very careful and friendly about this topic.

Also, like Spiral said...do what you can EASILY afford...regardless of any expectations.

36

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

You could ask in the guise of asking about his sister's preferences or make it a funny anecdote about a relatives wedding but ultimately the choice should be yours without external pressure from anyone's side. Not even his.

37

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

Me and hubby are against traditions and we got married in US without his family so nothing like that happened. But when I visited Pakistan first time after our marriage my mom gave suits for MIL/BIL/SIL and my MIL gave me a gold set(nothing exquisite coz I don't like gold jewelry) and rest of the in laws gave us gifts but we also had taken gifts with us for them as we do at every visit to Pakistan.

38

Re: Laina Daina or Pehnoani

My mother took care of the laina daina, because she knew I would not care. Of course I paid for it. Personally I couldn't care less for these silly customs.

Got married and went on a three weeks honeymoon, far away from the silliness. Wife didn't care either (at the time). But she is more into this silly stuff than I care for. As long as I don't need to get involved, it doesn't bother me much.