I’m also curious about to the cultural norms amongst the various desi groups regarding how many ladies in the house should be involved in rishta talks?
I mean, do I need to call all my sister in laws, and chachis and maami-jaans to also participate in rishta talks with the opposing side?
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
depends on the type of bond you share with them in routine and family norms. my side of family, we dont involve other than parents and siblings in decision making ; in-laws are close to each other and move on together. you cannot generalise
Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
It depends on your family dynamic. Everything is usually discussed in my family but I didn't really go around telling anyone about until things were final. My cousin and aunt were the ones to introduce my husband and I and so they were in the loop of things from both sides. Like proto says, it depends on how close you are. I would prefer to speak to my Mamis than my Khalas about rishta stuff because I personally trust their advice better.. If you feel you need to talk to another member you should. You must be considering it because you may feel close enough to them. I am a private person so for the most part only those involved knew the updates on our statuses.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
No, more people means more mess.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
keep a single point of contact - ideally the MIL or SIL - to keep the communication straight. However, do inquire about other relatives when you call so it doesn't seem like you're not even acknowledging them. Honestly it all depends on the family dynamics - some families like to involve aunts and first cousins in the process, others do not. You don't have to communicate with every single person till the rishta is finalized.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Hey pcg. I read it blog on this too so Thought wild give u some advice. I hope u won't mind.
Y r u so involved in rishta process compared to it mom? I mean shudnt the Bhabi b talking to your mom and discussing her level of friendliness with her rather than u?
It's best that during the rishta
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Hey pcg. I read it blog on this too so Thought wild give u some advice. I hope u won't mind.
Y r u so involved in rishta process compared to it mom? I mean shudnt the Bhabi b talking to your mom and discussing her level of friendliness with her rather than u?
It's best that during the rishta process u stay in the background and let it mom handle process cuz parents know better and are more experienced.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
It is upto each side who is involved. Sometimes guy's side calls and involves entire palanda. Happens. Girl's side usually seems to keep it quiet until things are final, read that as siblings and parents only. But in general I have noticed that guy's side will take as many females as possible along to see the girl. It's weird. But the girl isn't required to talk to these females. Interactions are between chaperones, ie girl's mom and any-female-guy's-side
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
In our family we involve minimal people from our side during the rishta talks whether its a boy or girl. You can save yourself a lot of headache and tension this way.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
I leave this sort of thing to my mother.
Why do you need to get people involved in rishta talks though? Its just a rishta PCG at this point. Jab baat pakki hogi, or there's a formal engagement or something substantial phir it makes sense to involve people. But at this point? I'd never. The issue I've seen with this is that if you tell ten people...you also have to deal with ten opinions and ten discussions about this topic. Not all of the people you seek advice from will agree with you so if you're ready to deal with that - go for it.
In our family, we keep it to immediate family only and then once things are solidified we tell people.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
I didn't involve the bhabi. The boy did. My mom is willing to talk to anyone who calls. Bizarre thing is that she is being criticized for being disinterested and not calling enough when she is the girl's mom, and the extended relative is calling ME to tell me that!! So far, boy called once to talk to my dad directly - that was on my insistence that no one from his side has talked to my mom or dad and meanwhile I was asked to drive out to see his family since they live nearby. His sister is a busy doc and so I agreed since she took out time from work.
Then his mom called and that too was on my request. Then I had my family call his mom. Next plan after he came here and we felt things out was that after I'm done with my exams, was for families to meet up more, so when my parents come here to help me move, then they will meet his brother and bhabi who live in a neighboring city.
Thought that was a fine plan and then I get a call from his bhabi - planned by everyone in the family - that maybe my mom needs to be more friendly because they think she isn't interested. Problem is that I confinded in the guy my worries that my mom wants me to focus more on job planning and less on mArriage for now. I didn't realize he would blab that to his family and now his mom is really worried that it won't work out. I don't understand why. Plus I decided not to stay here anymore and move back to my home state, since I'm just tired of being here alone and this place just has so many bad memories. So they're asking him why is she moving to her parents and not out to where you live. The bhabi and bhai even suggested a court marriage within the next month which now has my mom even more uncomfortable.
You can imagine how this all looks from my mom's side.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
PCG I think they are eager to seal the deal, all of them, and are scared you will back out. I've seen cases like this where the SIL once called the mom to demand, yes demand, to know if the rishta was accepted or not!
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Except no one has proposed! So what deal are we sealing ?? The two conversations between the parties have been short small talk. His mom doesn't speak a lot of Urdu, mostly punjabi, so the talks have been short.
If you want the families to talk more then frikkin pick up the phone and call my family. Why call me to tell me that maybe my mom isn't interested?
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Because NOW my mom really is annoyed. She doesn't like being talked about behind her back, no one does. And they aren't showing much respect to her by discussing her separately with her daughter. So if they were concerned that she may not be too hot about the idea, then good job, you really lost her interest now.
Im pretty convinced I'm gonna die in a nursing home alone somewhere you know where high school volunteers make fun of me as I fart down the hall in my senile dementia.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Calm yourself. You're getting a bit too worked out. I suggest you pick up the phone and tell the guy what is happening and what you like/dont like .. Your mother needs to calm down as well. Everyone talks behind everyones back. And that they said/suggested is not of big deal. Move on. Mithi pao! ..
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
pcg, that's not going to happen to you.
This whole rishta process is such a delicate dance, so much back and forth, and can get down right exasperating at times. My husband's bhabi did some similiar taang arai'ing during our rishta talks and it totally turned my ammi off as well, so I understand your mom's position. What you have to decide is if the guy is worth it. I say continue with your plan of moving back to your home state. Visiting his brother's family when your parents come to help you move is a good idea, and will progress things normally. Maybe as a gesture of good faith, your mom may want to drop a quick call to his mother and just let her know that is the plan. And as far as the bhabi's suggestion that you should be moving to where he lives or even a court marriage now...errr..no...IMO that's not a very sound idea at this point.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
During the rishta process and even more during a marriage, a lot of these sorts of misunderstandings occur, someone interferes, steps on someone else's toes, exaggerates things, misinterprets things, etc etc. The thing for the potential bride and groom to do is to try to make the two parties understand each other, help them dismiss things that aren't real issues, just minor misunderstandings, and address the issues that are real and important honestly and openly without villifying family members, etc. There's a lot the bride/groom can do to control things and help things from becoming big deals.
As for who gets to be involved in the process, I think mainly it should be the parents and the potential bride/groom. When there's interest shown from both sides, siblings (and their spouses) may get involved to help get to know the couple, etc. A bhabi may be particularly involved if there's no daughter and they want her to get to know the potential bride. Still, I don't think siblings and their spouses should have any say in the actual decision.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
There are four or five daughters
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
PCG its a little strange but understand that everyone's family dynamics are different. Stay calm...let things run their course.
Also, I'd ask the guy to get his family to call your mom.
Re: Ladies of the Household Involved in Rishta Talks
Pcg,
If his bhabi and bhai have suggested that you both get a court marriage done, then that implies they're not against the marriage...that they want it to happen. It also tells me that they wouldn't resort to this option if IT guy wasn't keen on marrying you. Keeping this in mind should should hopefully calm u down some.
You didn't witness how the convo between his bhabi and your mom went and some people tend to sound unfriendly on the phone without intending to. If your mom wants you to put career first, then you need to clarify to BOTH parents that marriage isn't taking a backseat for you and that you really want to marry him...and stress that they reach out and make more of an effort with his family. Get your family on the same page. Then talk to IT guy calmly about what he wants and figure out a plan for maybe both families to meet in person. I don't think it's such a big deal for your parents to fly out to meet both you and them if need be. Distance/phone leaves greater room for misunderstandings that face to face meetings can clear up. People do this all the time with rishtas and your parents don't live far away...it's not a huge sacrifice or an arduous journey. Plus it wouldn't be a waste as they'd get to meet their daughter (you) as well. You can witness the interactions with your own eyes and that way you'll have a better idea about where the problem lies and who's unfriendly and who isn't. Don't get caught up in the game of who will call who and prolong the blame game. The phone caused problems, so .....now everyone should meet in person.
Now is not the time for you to get defensive, or to take extreme/defeatist actions such as moving back to your home state...only to complain about it later....nor is it the time for you to go off on him or to blast his bhabi/family, or anyone else for that matter. It's Ramzan...make dua....and work thru things calmly. IT guy has been very supportive with you, so keep your cool with him. Maybe this is a test. Give thanks to Allah for the good changes in your life you've had and make dua.
Also, if you know you were rude to him, then apologize first. Saying that your mom didn't seem warm/friendly/interested is not a gaali or an attack on her character. Move past this cuz the whole issue is resolvable.