Have you ever seen relationships where there is lack of intellectual compatability work successfully?
I knew once of a very intellectual elder uncle (phd) who was married to his cousin who only had school level qualifications. Later on he took on a second wife and the excuse people have was that he needed intellectual companionship. Now I never met this lady so I don’t know, perhaps despite her lack of education she may have been intelligent. But what about when there is a clear disparity in intelligence (not education). Can this work? Can it sometimes be enough that the person is kind? Can for example an educated man who has what would be considered more intellectual interests such as politics, history, science etc be happy with a lady who has no interest whatsoever in those things but is into totally different things like bollywood and fashion? Would the intellectual person feel frustrated at not being able to share things? Or are there couples who are happy sharing a life without Intellectual compatability and having very little in common? I know it’s almost impossible to have all the same interests (eg I like fashion and don’t like sport, husband likes sport and isn’t interested in fashion) but I think there needs to be a reasonable overlap and I think that’s becoming increasingly common as the traditional arranged marriage set up changes and people are getting to know potential spouses a bit before committing.
Interested in your thoughts and observations of these relationships where there is an imbalance.
Depends on your definition of success. If husband wife duo can do a till death do us part with 3/4 kids without any rumours about them then it’s considered a successful marriage. Never mind that they hate each other on the inside. As much as I’m all for arranged marriages it’s a lucky draw whether you are compatible or not.
Some people can compartmentalise their topics of interest though. I have some friends I can talk about new camera tech, others about books, with some about history and with some about makeup. I usually have my outlets so if SO can’t discuss anything about history or knows nothing about cameras then I won’t mind. If there’s nothing in common then yeah there’s a limit to how much your friends can cater.
Thanks. Most definitely agree that you can’t share all interests. Like I said I like fashion (will talk to my sister or female friends about this) husband likes sports (talks to his male friends about this). We do still talk about these to each other but on a very superficial level. In any case they aren’t really difficult subjects to understand.
I guess im talking about cases where there is clearly an obvious difference in intellect (and as a result in interests)
They didn’t think about the intellectual companionship before he married his first wife?
I think sometimes it can work, it depends on the people involved and what they want tho.. Some men and women do want to talk about subjects that not everyone will understand but others will just enjoy easy everyday conversation.. I know of quite a few older doctors married to women who had a very basic education.. Some of them seem happy enough but one or two openly mock their wives and look down on them for not being as educated or intelligent as they think they are..
This was in the days when your parents told you who to marry. I think she was his cousin. Times have changed and people I think are less willing to “tolerate” lack of compatability than they perhaps once did.
Sure, easy everyday conversation is obviously a big part of it. I guess though once that’s runs out or boredom sets in or the kids grow up, it must be difficult. That’s probably when shared interests are handy.
well..to each their own.
I have run into single girls with PhD, Masters, MBA, LLB/LLMs and when they open their mouth they are so arrogant about their initials and Jaahil about everything. These “educated” people lack self-awareness, awareness about universe, about Creator, about natural phenomenon.
Most of all, their arrogance does not cover up their social anxieties, and delusions, etc. They lacked any wisdom. Ill mannerism, and narrow mentality prevailed so much so, I couldnt stand their company.
I am a sapiophiliac myself, but I dont have to marry every woman who’se intelligent turns me on. I have work and university to have those people. marriage companionship requires other components far significant and important than neo-intellectualism
This is stereotype that majority of our desi girls are bwoodized…
One can be intellectual without higher education, and one cab be dumb with Phd degree.
Realtionships are not build on education, education may help but this thing of mutual understanding and trust come with time.
You are not inventing a thing through your relationship, intellectualism looks good in your academic and relationships driven by feelings and behaviors.
But as you live together through the years and have kids, surely you would have more in common to talk about. Like say for instance, your kids? your future plans? moving house? new job? I dunno, anything !
I think relationships nowadays are too focused on ticking boxes, or analysing compatibility as if your doing a uni/PHD project on it. What happened to the good old days when if you liked each other, you got married and tried your hardest to make it work regardless of whether you have anything in common to talk about or not.
When I mentioned the uncle with the phd I did say it’s possible the aunty may have been intelligent despite her lack of education but rumours were she was not so he went and married another academic.
Forget education. I agree some “educated” people can come across badly.
What if the two people have very different Iqs and interests (I think you would be hard pressed to argue talking about bollywood is intellectual and talking about politics is not- I’m sure there are people who would love to argue thy but that’s not the point here)
One of my girl friend was a rank holder in school, worked her way through scholarship and got a degree from a reputable university and now works at a decent position
She married a guy who is high school drop out, never even begun university and now recently gave his o level exams privately (he is almost 29yrs old) has a decent job in an IT company and is highly ambitious and a very motivated individual
I would say there marriage was convenience based, they met a few times and both were looking for someone remotely decent and willing to tie the knot (from the same cast, age group, in terms of looks) blah blah
A year or so later they are discovering about each other, turns out the guy is more broad minded, ambitious, well dressed, carries himself with class and elegance and fulfills his homely responsibilities etc etc
While the girl lives life in black and whites (not a thinker or liberal minded) and lives inside a box, doesn’t carry herself with the same class and elegance, dressing sense is a Lil blah and has barely has any knowledge of the worldly affairs etc etc
This shows that education & a degree has nothing to do with compatibility. Both parties should either view the world with the same lense or either be OK and respect the person living with a person who views thing differently.
Speaking generally, i like people who have intellectual capability to run the conversation. And basically talk about anything and everything. Alhamdullillah i have good friends..whom i can have really good conversation with.
Let me give you the example so people stop focusing on education.
Guy is very smart. Visit a place with some history he will tell you all about the history of it. Visit a place of natural beauty he can tell you about it’s geology. Talk about anything in the news he will have an opinion. This is nothing to do with his education, he is just well read and smart enough to understand these concepts. The girl on the other hand is not interested in this at all. She switches over the tv if the news is on. She doesn’t care and even if you try to tell her she finds it boring. She can tell you all about the latest bollywood film or who has the best lawn collection. Both are nice people. Can this last or will the guy eventually becomes really frustrated that he can’t share what he knows with her and even if he does try there is no engagement from her side?
I have also mentioned Both parties should either view the world with the same lense or either be OK and respect the person living who views things differently.
Can that be done? Can a person with great thirst for knowledge respect a person with no intellectual curiosity in the long run? (In the short run I know it’s definitely possible: you can focus on good qualities eg kind nature, respectfulness. My concern is after a while people take those things for granted and without that mental compatability there could be frustration and difficulty)
in this particular example, in the long run the guy would become frustrated. No matter how many other folks he has with whom he can share all this, he would still want his wife to develop the same interests as his.
OP, there is even a possibility that couples can be compatible intellectually but not really compatible when it comes to personal interests, likes,dislikes.
I have real life example of a couple we know very closely. the husband and wife both are professionally qualified, husband works in a very demanding position and wife works on and off. they both can carry on discussions with each other very well on topics like politics, world matters,societal issues, arts etc but when it comes to persona interests and likes they are miles apart and this has certainly caused serious problems in their marital life.
the guy is a social person who loves mingle with people and to party whereas the wife hates going out. She prefers to spend time with husband and kids inside the home even on weekends whereas husband says he wants to explore and experience new things with his wife and kids.
the husband makes good money and spends it on buying expensive gifts for kids whereas in wife’s view its a total wastage of money and she stops the husband from doing that.
the wife is a total movie freak whereas husband prefers to spend his evenings either by hanging out with friends or playing sports. The husband doesn’t go to mosque regularly whereas wife holds the view that its really necessary.
All these differences in interests and likes have done too much damage to their married life. Although both are faithful to each other but they say they feel suffocated in the relationship, lost their contentment long ago but can’t think of leaving each other because of the kids.