Sure, I agree. There are many ways one can be incompatible whether that’s views on religion or finances. It’s important to have discussions on lifestyle to see whether you are compatible. Sometimes these things can be worked on, sometimes not. You know all tht stuff about compromise. I think though if someone is not intellectually curious and not very bright that is much more difficult to change and like gudiaali said above My feeling is that it will be frustrating in the long run.
bigger question is why a man who has such a great thirst for knowledge that he can’t overlook it despite wife having great traits such as being a kind, loving yada yada person, would marry her in the first place?
it really depends on what you want from a marriage, whether you’re okay not being able to discuss these things or not. ultimately, i would say it is quite important to be near or on the same page intellectually for most people.
He was once engaged to a very smart girl who wasn’t very nice and it has hurt him a great deal (more than it should and for longer than it should really) and it seems like from that the lesson he has taken is to go for someone who is the total opposite. The new girl is a lovely girl but when you compare them intellectually then there’s a huge disparity. It’s great that he can overlook this because he sees the “nice” girl that his ex wasn’t but I do worry about how the relationship will fare in the long term. He is a work and family orientated guy so wouldn’t really be hanging out with friends much so I think he will really find it difficult that he can’t share his interests with her.
Agree with your second point. Each person is different. I guess I’m just interested in seeing the general consensus on this.
Is there absolutely no engagement at all from her end? I understand that talking only about fashion will only go so far. And although the guy is a well read individual with a good amount of general knowledge…the same can be said for him. A conversation on the history of a landmark …or the sharing of geological trivia will also only go so far…no? Reminds me of the time a friend started telling me about the history of a building in detail…and I just listened politely and thought to myself..“kyun yaar? Vhhyyy u do this? ”
There are other topics besides history and geology and politics and fashion that these two people can discuss. And to carry the conversation, a question can be worded in a broad way so that it encourages some thought as opposed to just a one-word answer. And sometimes topics can merge. For example if one person is more into entertainment and the other is into social issues…sometimes social issues can be found in the entertainment sphere…so you meet in the middle. There are ways to work around this. It depends on the couple, Ruby. Is it the guy himself or the girl who fears that they’re not compatible…or is this what friends and family members fear? Has this concern been brought up? If the two of them still manage to connect and have a conversation and regularly… then maybe they’re doing okay. But to make no effort in reciprocal engagement at all isn’t good.
I deal with this a lot and I have become really intolerant to stupidity. It is unfortunate because there isn’t one kind of intellectulism though lots of people seem to think that way. I can fall into the same trap and then have to remind myself of my own shortcomings. I can debate about a million subjects but my sorry a$$ can’t build relationships. Just because someone’s knowledge of a subject doesn’t match mine doesn’t make them less intellectual. This false sense of superiority has to die.
There is wisdom in there somewhere. You just got to mine it. Anyway with oil services suffering, lots of mining equipment stranded - so should be available for a bargain.
Yeah that’s true people can have different specialisms in terms of their knowledge. But some things are considered more intellectually demanding. A good understanding of geopolitics for example could be considered intellectual whereas knowing every Shahrukh Khan film or detailed family gossip would not be considered intellectual in my opinion. Just like she doesn’t care for his interests I don’t think he really cares for hers.’
Anyway what I’m talking about here is someone with no intellectual curiousity. No desire to learn. An apathy to anything serious or deep. Also an inability to grasp many of the concepts he is interested in. Think about it you must have come across people like this. There’s no point in denying it. Some people despite being perfectly nice people just aren’t very bright.
Family are concerned that he’s re bounding and basically looking for the total opposite of his ex in every way including her good qualities which are what he always said he wanted eg smart, beautiful, good humoured.
I guess we are extra concerned because there was recently a troubled marriage in the family because of lack of compatability. The guy got fed up that his wife wasn’t active like him and spent all day gossiping on the phone and had nothing else to talk about. That frustration just made things very messy in that marriage.
When you say it can work, you’re talking about exceptions.
Practically speaking intellectual compatibility is one of the most important things in a married life.
We human beings have some standards, everybody does that’s not the topic but the point here is we think and expect on those standards.
Just to give you an example I’m educated enough and Alhamdulillah running my own business. And when I think of life, my goals and aspirations are very different from a man who is doing a job.
Now if I marry a woman who thinks that being a slave of someone (doing job) is the purpose of education I wouldn’t find that quite interesting in simple words not in my league.
It would be hard to make such person understand what I’m thinking or feeling.
In the long run you’ll find even harder to have a normal conversation with that person. Ideologies and mindset in a couple should be somewhat equal not entirely but it does matter all.
So I think intellectual comparability is very important and there are a lot of things which come under this topic.
Like I mentioned, I do deal with this a lot. My inlaws, as nice as they are, do not care or show any interest for science, technology, or anything that goes beyond religion and politics. There is a huge difference of mentality! I do get annoyed at their lack of interest, especially when they laugh at me for going off about something. I don’t say much to them anymore because it is so pointless and the fact that we are fundamentally different people. What is hard for me is easy for them. They know how to balance relationships. They are very socially responsible. I am their complete opposite, I don’t care for religion, politics, making friends, going to social events and shallow things like where to buy stuff from. We recently took a trip to museum and all they were interested in was talking pictures of themselves against the backdrop of beautiful exhibits. Doesn’t upset me but I do get what you are saying. It is definitely important to have this compatibility or one would eventually begin withdrawing from those around in frustration like I have already done.
@strangeworld agree totally on your point about people having standards. I suppose interests and mindsets are one thing but then you have someone who just seems incapable of understanding and valuing what is a big part of you, that’s got to become tough at some point. @Theorist that exacrlt my worry that he will eventually just withdraw and thats pretty sad when it comes to your spouse.
I know a guy who got married to his cousin (mistake to begin with since he wasn’t happy even when he was engaged, but you know, grown ups, back in the day, baro ne zubaan de di, blah blah), but he did try to make it work. He was a guy who struggled to make it big since he was young, and worked very hard to get where he was. She was a pampered, spoiled city dumbo, and on top of that very lazy. He was a BA, she had an MA. Not only did they have a lack of intellectual compatibility, but she didn’t do much except watch Bollywood all day. (Something everyone who ever met her could vouch for). When she had kids, she was neglectful towards them too. After 10 years of marriage, the guy had enough. He sent her to Pakistan, rented her a house near her parents, enrolled his kids in school and catered to their every need there because he felt they would be better raised among relatives than a single lazy mom here. Then he found someone else, and married her. Not the ideal life situation, but the second wife is the complete opposite of the first, and he is very happy with her. He goes to Pak regularly to meet his kids, and is a good father to them, and aside form marrying another woman is also very considerate of all of first wife’s needs. As in, second wife knows he has a first wife but first wife does not know he has a second wife. I’m no one to judge, because if I started to take apart the pieces it would be such a mess, but in the long run, only kids will be damaged by this. So yes, it does matter, to a large extent. Two people do not need to have the same educational background, or even same level of education. Education does not make you smart/cultured/knowledgeable. They need to be considerate, and open to having all sorts of conversations. Of one person is wired one way, and the other another, there is only so far you can drag it along before it falls apart.
Wow that’s crazy, especially that she has no idea he has another wife.
I’ve said before to the education point that it’s not always an indicator of intelligence. I know intelligent people who just never had the opportunity or had other priorities.
I guess also not everyone is gifted with high levels of intelligence but there are some people who just simply aren’t curious or interested in the world around them beyond mundane and frivolous aspects. Girls like that are often referred to as “bimbos”. Sometimes I think it’s partly lack of intelligence that’s sometimes compounded by laziness (like you mentioned). Like another poster said above we all have standards and intellectual compatability is one of those things that probably comes pretty high up in terms of what you need for a successful relationship .
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