Long but very interesting article. It made me think twice about certain things within my marriage. While reading this article, I also started thinking about other couples I know…both happy and unhappy ones and how I see them interact with one another.
Would love to hear thoughts from you all…especially those of you who have been married for years.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
I don't agree with a lot of the article...especially Gottman. He 'studies' couples?? How can you study two people who are in love...love is so unpredictable and so varied from person to person. I just feel no trait can associated with what makes a happy marriage...Also these apparently high rates of divorce is based largely on the west, doesn't reflect on Asia, Africa etc. But kindness and generosity don't hurt either ;)
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
It kinda makes sense. Those two are most under-rated qualities of a good relationship. Of any relationship, really.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Very nice article. Always time to correct course and proceed. Lot to learn from this.
Kindness and generosity in the context of this article are synonymous.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
I don't agree with a lot of the article...especially Gottman. He 'studies' couples?? How can you study two people who are in love...love is so unpredictable and so varied from person to person. I just feel no trait can associated with what makes a happy marriage...Also these apparently high rates of divorce is based largely on the west, doesn't reflect on Asia, Africa etc. But kindness and generosity don't hurt either ;)
He's not studying "love" -- he's trying to determine what makes successful marriages. It does seem a simplistic, but to be honest, sometimes the problem is that we over-complicate our relationships and interactions. Just because what he describes is simple and obvious doesn't mean it is easy. It requires a daily dedication, a daily commitment that reflects an actual desire to maintain ties and invest in another person. What's said here is the basis for any long-term relationship. I actually found in it a lot that is relevant for developing the parent-child bond today too.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
I also thought the point about "fight-or-flight" mode being activated in couples that were eventually struggling was particularly interesting because it turns every interaction into a fight or power struggle; people become defensive and accusatory, rather than working as a team (which is possible even if there is disagreement).
The terms "masters" and "disasters" are kind of inflammatory and hurtful, but I get what he means.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
The one thing missing was sample size and the success rate.
I forget all the terms now. Passive and active criticism. Passive and active celebration. Not showing joy in partners success. Vs. Participating in the partners success.
When partner wants to do something, doing it ONLY when starts aligned. Vs stopping what you are doing and doing what your parent wants. Just because.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Also the study was predictive. It's my understanding they had a hypothesis. And showed it to be true. 5 years later.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
The participants could look happy on the outside. But the physiological reactions internally gave the plot away. Put downs of the partner in a "happy" manner being case in point.
Great tool to see where each of us is falling into a trap.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Also the study was predictive. It's my understanding they had a hypothesis. And showed it to be true. 5 years later.
Isnt it how research is done? You state the problem and your hypothesis. The research will either prove you right or wrong.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Isnt it how research is done? You state the problem and your hypothesis. The research will either prove you right or wrong.
That is how research is supposed to be done. Many times one can also look at data that others may have gathered and try to explain it with logic. Which is made to fit data. Sometimes 8 is warraned. We learn from data even though we didn't have a hypothesis apriori.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
I have not been married for a very long time but I liked the article and agree with its findings. Its another way of saying ... you must genuinely like/care or your partner/spouse ... otherwise its near impossible to feel kindness/generosity towards anyone for an extended period of time.
I'll also add that there is a need for reciprocity. i'd be upset and eventually heartbroken if my husband didn't return/mirror the feelings I have for him.
Finally, communication is important ... and this is a vague one because there are so very many verbal/nonverbal forms of communication. So i suppose i mean communication in a language thats actually understood by the spouse .... and sometimes that means dropping our expectation to have our spouse just know magically/intuitively what we are thinking/wanting and actually saying specifically "hey you .. i've missed you all day ... plz put away your phone/game/TVremote/laptop etc ... and spend time with me"
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
none of this is going to work if someone has a major personality flaw or the spoucicles differ widely in their outlook on things leading to recurring conflict.
basic compatibility and chemistry is a must before one comes on to the subtleties like kindness and generosity. i agree with ehl in that if you connect well with your partner (yeh @TLK i said it too), if you have some common sense, you'll feel the need to be kind and generous to the one you love and care about.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Ahaa. @queer is in love with @kakee. He is talking like her
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
LOL. Thanks for the insult…? Except queer is always quite smart.
A blunt rudeness in a thread that is talking about kindness 
, and by rudeness, I meant the part where you called him smart.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
I have not been married for a very long time but I liked the article and agree with its findings. Its another way of saying ... you must genuinely like/care or your partner/spouse ... otherwise its near impossible to feel kindness/generosity towards anyone for an extended period of time. I'll also add that there is a need for reciprocity. i'd be upset and eventually heartbroken if my husband didn't return/mirror the feelings I have for him. Finally, communication is important ... and this is a vague one because there are so very many verbal/nonverbal forms of communication. So i suppose i mean communication in a language thats actually understood by the spouse .... and sometimes that means dropping our expectation to have our spouse just know magically/intuitively what we are thinking/wanting and actually saying specifically "hey you .. i've missed you all day ... plz put away your phone/game/TVremote/laptop etc ... and spend time with me"
Just be mindful that he might not express it the way you do or the way you expect him to.
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
TLK needs to be kinder to the guppy in question.
^I don't have to. I am not his partner
Re: Kindness & Generosity in Relationships
Just be mindful that he might not express it the way you do or the way you expect him to.
Finally, communication is important ... and this is a vague one because there are so very many verbal/nonverbal forms of communication. So i suppose i mean communication in a language thats actually understood by the spouse .... and sometimes that means dropping our expectation to have our spouse just know magically/intuitively what we are thinking/wanting and actually saying specifically "hey you .. i've missed you all day ... plz put away your phone/game/TVremote/laptop etc ... and spend time with me"
agreed. that is what I had said.