Please make Sticky this thread.
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets
too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg,
puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day,
he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly
the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head,
puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.
" The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
Re: Jokes Collection
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone,
shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Re: Jokes Collection
Peanuts
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
Re: Jokes Collection
An Amazing Connection
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man,
''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically,
but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom,
he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.
He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom,
God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Re: Jokes Collection
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Only in America
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Re: Jokes Collection
Touchy Feely Cracky
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Re: Jokes Collection
Dick Cheney and the Bushes
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I couldthrow a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Re: Jokes Collection
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Re: Jokes Collection
Pulling His Cheney
George W. Bush ran into Colin Powells office exclaiming, "Dick Cheney hanged himselfin his bathroom!"
Colin Powell says "Oh, No! Did you cut him down?"
"Cut him down?" asks George W. "How could I cut him down? He wasnt dead yet!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Presidential surprise
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's the first lady's."
Re: Jokes Collection
Whose Son is He?
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''
Re: Jokes Collection
Cherry Potty
A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy 'fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how!
"Wait, dad! What's going on? I told you the truth!"
"Yes, you did. But George Washington's dad wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Re: Jokes Collection
Bush, Einstein and Picasso
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
Re: Jokes Collection
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Re: Jokes Collection
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Einsteinium
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Dubya & Moses' Face Time
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!"
Re: Jokes Collection
Medical Miracles
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"