This thread is mainly for guys who come from joint famlies and remain with their joint family even after getting married. Now i understand joint families are very quickly becoming a thing of the past but there are still a few that are clinging on to tradition (which isnt a bad thing at all).
If you’re one who got married and have had your wife move in with you in your joint household, what problems have you and your wife faced and what solutions have you devised to overcome those problems (apart from moving out) ?
I personally think that a joint-family living arrangement could be the best thing since sliced bread as they say. I'm sorry for barging in on your thread but perhaps I can offer a bit of insight. I am living far from family and have 3 little ones so we're on our own, but my in-laws are "over there" and I know quite a few who are living in a joint family arrangement.
The problems occur when the new wife is treated as a servant or is made to take on the majority of all household tasks. In-laws are glad to have a new gal in the house to order around sometimes. Some In-laws can also be glad to have the new d-in-law right there to keep an eye on her behavior, dress and activities. This is not a good thing, complaints are made to the new husband and he finds himself caught in the middle.
What can you do? Everything in your power to make the gal welcome in YOUR home with YOUR family. Sorry guys but you cannot deem her complaints as "women's issues, please handle it yourself." You have to be involved and smooth things over and mediate. Some things are worth the effort yeah? And you, as the son, have so much more influence than your new wife as far as troubles between your mom and your wife. Be fair, be a good listener and mediate when you need to. Its a group here and from what I've seen, when there are "joint family" troubles it is most often due to the lack of the son getting involved in a fair and compromising way.
ps if i won the lotto, first thing I'd do is buy a huge house and set up a joint family system since I know my hubby is one of those who can and would make sure that things go smoothly for all.
My father and uncles used to live in joint family system and it worked for them, it is specially good for working women as there are many woemn to share the house work, but, it is a give and take thing. And some have to make sacrifices to keep it going. However, personally, i will not like to live in joint family system.
STUPID CUSTOMS of joint family system: When people split up they divide everything equally regardless of what each individual had been contributing to family. Like my father was eldest of his brothers, he worked and paid for education of his younger brothers and their marriages and when they split up, my father had more assets than rest of them and he gave his assets to hos brothers. What a stupid system is this.
Having lived in both a joint family and single family, I have to say that its just two different ways of living, you can't really prove one better than other. Not sounding too politically correct, each have their own issues and benefits but at the end its a choice you make.
In a joint family system the main problem that men run into are arbitrating domain issues. From simple things as to who/what gets cooked in the house to where/what/when the money is spent.
As a community, Pakistanis are at a cross road in terms of their house hold life styles and our generation will probably see the brunt of it. As the couples move out, we will see the same couples having fewer children than their parents as they will be more worried about saving for their retirement and thus their priorities will change. Eventually it will come to a equilibrium.
Mr Icon, perhaps that is not such a bad way to part....
those who are less able and have contributed less to the general well-being of the extended family get a bit of extra support. Those who contributed more are "used to" contributing more so they will get back to their wealth more quickly (?). Anyway, I dont think that was the major concern of the poster but it is indeed a good point.
JOint family system is only pleasant if the people involved are sensible and mature. No matter how good ppl are, differences would arise, feelings would be hurt, etc etc, but how one hamndles them is the key and how one is sensitive to others needs is also critical.
mama of 3, i would like to disagree here a little.. you stated
Sorry guys but you cannot deem her complaints as "women's issues, please handle it yourself." You have to be involved and smooth things over and mediate. Some things are worth the effort yeah? And you, as the son, have so much more influence than your new wife as far as troubles between your mom and your wife. Be fair, be a good listener and mediate when you need to. Its a group here and from what I've seen, when there are "joint family" troubles it is most often due to the lack of the son getting involved in a fair and compromising way.
The guy does not have to be a ref. yes he has a role, just like his parents and his wife have a role in trying to peacefully coexist. But he should not be seen as some sort of go betwen guy for idiotic things. Big issues sure, but minor chikh cikh that seems to become a big deal is not his problem. Civilized mature people should know wat they need to do and how to treat each other. majority of the friction in joint family systems is on stupid stuff. sorting thru big stuff sure, but little hissy fits and all, he should not be expected to solve it.
yeah but those who have contributed assets ahve other responsibilities too, their own families, their own needs. optional sharing and giving out of the goodness of one’s heart is one thing but it being a dictated issue where someone loses out is not right by any means
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Those who contributed more are "used to" contributing more so they will get back to their wealth more quickly (?).
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This has developed the psyche of people living in joint family systems, soem get used to contributing and some get used to live off others.
There are countless people in Pakistan (and for that matter in many other countries too ) that live on money of their hard-working siblings. Can find many threads like that on GS.
I have a colleague whos two ncles back home did nothing thruoghout their lives and in the end "inherited" the savings of his father.
This system is un-islamic and unjust. It served its purpose when support of tribe was essential for survival, now its dying out.
iconoclast I have seen similar situations, where some siblings sit with this sense of entitlement. I mean yues if your sibling wants to and can help u that should be appreciated but not expected, demanded and taken over.
I guess making out on the living room couch is out of the question.
My advice to all the men (if that's what you think you are) is that providing a private shelter to your wife is one of the steps in becoming a man. Unless, you can afford to do so, please stick it with whatever you are stuck in.
There are some genuine cases where the only son or daughter will have to live with the parents. That is more out of neccessity than the JOINT system where four brothers with their wives and sixteen children and two unmarried sisters plus the 55 year old parents are living under one roof. Why did those four got married in th e first place?
FG i also think that when i have seen familes n the joint system they ave not bothered to expand their living quarters. I know of families where entire family i.e. parents and a few ids would have a room, the palces were cramped, no personal space..of course that is going to lead to some friction. and its not that they could not build more, finally they did build some rooms on the second floor and that cleared things up, but everytime i went to that place it was a zoo.
This reminds me of a distant cousin who for family pressure decided to spend his wedding night in his parents home alongwith oh letmesay 40 odd guests. Well real estate was a prime commodity that weekend and people basically threw the pillow and the chaader wherever they got 5 15 cubic feet. This is in a village setup in the 80s.
Yours truly got the last spot, some people called it the prime spot once I signed the closing papers, right at the doorstep of the wedding couples room! I was not mature enough to realize what I was getting myself into.
Well, the next 4 to 5 hours I heard noises which I couldn't really make out at the time but now that I think back, it was kind of embarrassing to be barging at the door like that. Them not me.
Hey I am not trying to discourage you from marrying into a JF. Everyone is different. Some people do prefer such lifestyle.
But I also do not agree with zgards thinking of 'compromise'. I dont think one should knowingly compromise to a lesser lifestyle. If by marrying a certain person, your life will get worse, then why marry?
It's all in your set of expectations. Instead of letting others influence your decisions, make up your own mind and figure out what you want from a relationship. Some people will give in to a lesser lfiestyle because they actually really love the other person. The reasons could be many.
