Since marrying my husband 9 years ago, I’ve never had my own bank account. Instead we both have debit cards and free access to our joint accounts. I’m the one that sends the bills, buys all groceries and household items, things for the kids. So basically I manage the whole household and try to run it as efficiently as possible. I know everything that comes in and goes out. My husband has told me numerous times that it’s a source of stress for him and sometimes he doesn’t want to know any of that stuff. He works a very demanding job, very long hours and tremendous stress. So often, I feel that what I do is insignificant. We have 3 young kids and I stay at home with them. One is in gr.1 but the other two are home with me. Anyways, often I feel so much guilt about how hard my husband works that I feel I don’t deserve to waste his money. Since I keep the budgets, the stress is now on me. I cannot allow myself to buy simple things for myself. When the kids grow out of their clothes, I have no problem going to the Gap and buying them nice things (from the sale rack). But for myself it’s different somehow.
Recently I needed a simple shirt and sweater because the weather is getting cooler. I bought them at Target. My husband was appalled. He told me to never buy clothes for myself from there again. He said to go to Nordstrom. And I thought to myself, “Right, when have I ever done that?” I feel that he would become resentful and I would become a burden if I ever did that. Part of the issue is that I’ve always had a job since age 14. I’ve always taken care of myself up until I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. So now, sharing an account that feels like HIS money is weird to me. I hear him fretting, “We’re not saving enough,” and so how would I feel? I sacrifice my own needs so he’s happy. I’m not sure if I need to find a source of income for myself or what a good solution is. Anyone relate?
Saima, i have these "issues" since the day we got married. I had worked for some time and was pretty independent. After the wedding, i started going to grad school and decided not to work and my husband supports the idea. However, i also felt and still do at times, feel guilty on spending his money on myself. I have access to his credit cards and have a joint acct with him as well as my own. He says that whatever he makes is for the family, so i shouldnt feel guilty.
Ofcourse since i dont have a source of income, i have to rely on him. I buy what i need and just make sure i dont spend a fortune every month on useless stuff. I must say i have been more careful with handling the money now.
I think you could perhaps do the same; getused to the fact that he is the provider for you and the kids and as long as you are not overspending you should be fine.
My husband says i havebecome very kanjoos. I would think he would appreciate that :D
Thanks Ira, I didn't think anyone would remember me here. I have been gone for a long time. Now with 3 kids and no family at all here, life is super busy. My health hasn't been great either but I'll post about that later. Safia and Maya are good. My third girl is Mariam. She's 14 months now.
I don't want money to be such an issue. We have a huge mortgage just because of the area that we live in. Our house is 91 years old and almost unlivable. So we're planning to tear it down and build a new one. So all of those things factor into the money issue. I just feel like there's so many bigger issues than me. That I constantly sacrifice myself. And I don't know if that's normal.
awww saima nice to see you back.. its been ages since I saw you on GS last time.. I remember you were expecting a baby.. what did you have??
Please do share the pics of the girls.. I bet they have grown up!!
Nothing special to contribute to the topic except that I feel the same even with my own money.. I need to save money for a while to live a better life once and if my husband moves to the US but until then I see myself not shopping much and if I do, it;s usually with the coupons and on sale items.. I still spend a lot of money on gifts for friends and family but when it comes to myself, I think twice before I buy anything!!! I dunno if its just a deal of growing up or just because things go on sale more now than ever before and I feel like committing a sin if I buy something on a regular price.
its not normal, that's why you're feeling the way you are. i think since you know the finances of the family so well, you should be able to see when there is room for you to treat yourself now and again, and you should very definitely do that.
and i also think you should sit down with your hubby and discuss it with him since you feel guilty spending otherwise- a nice pedicure and blowout once a month, or a pair of shoes that you really love- these things shouldn't make you feel bad. your husband is working so hard so you guys can have a good life together, and i dont think his plan includes you shopping super cheaply and/or depriving yourself of things that make you happy. also while in the short run, shopping at target might make you feel like you're doing a good thing, if it makes you feel like crap, then its clearly not a good thing.
your hubby should be aware that you've taken on so much stress on yourself- in the end, you can be the primary caretaker of bills and expenses, but both of you need to know how much you have, where its going right now, and where it could be going instead. and consider speaking to a financial planner- they'll able to help you organize your finances better so you don't feel so overwhelmed and worry about savings.
Saima, just an idea , can you set aside some money every month just for you? To spend on a nice top, or a pedicure or a haircut? This way its within the budget and you arent feeling bad by spending on yourself whats rightfully yours?
Saima! so nice to see you back. how have you been? how are girls doing?
the idea suggested by ira is actually what my mom did. she didn't work so my dad gives her money every month to just spend on herself. he actually takes it out of the account and gives it to her. You can try something like that. Congrats on the third baby!
saima...I can kind of relate to your dilemma. I have been working and earning my keep all my adult life...with little or no breaks in between...even with babies. And I can imagine if I had to spend a whole lot of money given to me by someone else, I would not be able to do so. The last person I would spend on would be my self...like you!
But I agree with suggestion by Ira. In your budget, put aside a little saima money...just for you and give yourself a treat ...you have earned it!
Thanks everyone. That's a good suggestion, to set aside something for myself every month. I know all the practical stuff I could do. The guilt is the hardest part to overcome.
Hi saimanyc, I was wondering why you had disappeared. Congratulations on your third child, I can only imagine how extremely busy you are! I totally know what you mean because I'm in the same boat and I rarely spend on myself. My family tells me I've become kanjoos since getting married but I think it's because I know that we have to save a certain amount every month and with all the expected and unexpected expenses, I feel like everything else is a priority except me. My husband thinks I'm crazy, I should spend on myself too, but he's the one who complains if we don't save as much as he'd like to each month.
OK, let a MAN come in and straighten you women out! Here's the deal, we men LIKE to spend money on our women, we WANT to spoil them and WANT them to be happy. If you're in a REAL financial bind, then yes, be careful what you spend on and don't be frivolous, but if you're doing OK financially and if you don't go out and spend on clothes and shoes and stuff all the time, the occasional shopping spree is very much warranted. My wife is the same way and she provides a significant chunk of our earnings, but even then she always asks me if it's OK to buy the smallest of things. I appreciate that but I also feel like what is mine is ours, what is yours is ours, it makes us happy to see you come back from that shopping spree and then make us men sit and be forced to go through a fashion show, we might complain, but we find it adorable.
Also, if you buy something saucy for yourselves (or more for the husband) along with your other junk, we appreciate that even more.
There needs to be an allowance for you - sorry to use this word but I dont know any other word. Make sure there is a set amout you can work with every month for your personal things like some grooming, shopping, etc.
yeah there is that. i still havent managed to deal with the money issue so my husband thought it would be a better idea to set an allowance for me but i dont spend it in case we might need that money for something more important. he thinks i m crazy cuckoo.
but it is hard to guage the other person's reaction and ultimately when we know that they are working so hard we donot want to waste their hard earned money.i guess the key is moderation, if it is seriously bothering you, spend a bit more. and if you think you are spending too much, go a little easy.
I feel the same way because I work now and will not after I move in with my husband. My husband often tells me that he chose a medical profession so his wife and kids can live a good, comfortable life but the idea of me spending his money is still so new and odd to me… lol. Even now when he sends me eidi, I have a hard time accepting it because I have become so used to earning and spending my own that it’s been years since I asked my parents for anything either. I feel like I would need his ‘permission’ before buying anything and he laughs it off and tells me that in Islam, the husband’s money is his wife’s as well and he is suppose to be the provider of the family. When I think of it like that, it becomes easier to spend it
And of course now Ahmed has made it all even better
and what is wrong with target
Nice to see you back here .im assuming its saimacali now rather than -nyc? how are the girls?
as for your predicament…most men want to be able to provide luxuries to their families…(its different if they refuse to buy any themselves). There has to be a right balance, which I do see based on everyons experiences…if the husband is telling u to spend, and being generous… well wife shouldn’t take advantage of it. I thinK the hubbies of all the women who’ve posted so far are lucky as heck to have smart sane wives. :k:
Exactly what I was about to say. It’s nice to see you back.
I used to have my own account as did hubby, and a few months after we were married we made ours a joint account. Since we’re both working (and have comparable salaries), it hasn’t been a huge issue. But I know that when inshAllah I am home with our kids and looking after them, I’ll think twice about spending “his” money – even if that’s not how he feels.
The point to remember of course is that you have a very demanding job of your own. Not only are you a mother of three, you are running and managing a household, which is no easy task. The money in that account is for the household, for all of you to share. It may come from your husband’s salary, but just because you don’t get paid for your hard work doesn’t mean the income isn’t yours.
OK, let a MAN come in and straighten you women out! Here's the deal, we men LIKE to spend money on our women, we WANT to spoil them and WANT them to be happy. If you're in a REAL financial bind, then yes, be careful what you spend on and don't be frivolous, but if you're doing OK financially and if you don't go out and spend on clothes and shoes and stuff all the time, the occasional shopping spree is very much warranted. My wife is the same way and she provides a significant chunk of our earnings, but even then she always asks me if it's OK to buy the smallest of things. I appreciate that but I also feel like what is mine is ours, what is yours is ours, it makes us happy to see you come back from that shopping spree and then make us men sit and be forced to go through a fashion show, we might complain, but we find it adorable.
Also, if you buy something saucy for yourselves (or more for the husband) along with your other junk, we appreciate that even more.
awwwwwwwwwwww!!! saima listen to aahmed...he must be right!!! :)
.im assuming its saimacali now rather than -nyc? how are the girls?