I know I have posted about this issue before but it still bothers me !!
My hubby’s elder brother’s wife…or “JETHANI” (as she is to me). She’s younger to me in age btw (about 6 years). My jeath (bro-in-law) keeps in touch with us but usually when he’s driving home from work. Hardly ever calls from home ! They (the couple) have been married 3 years and she has like absolute nil contact with me and my family. Doesn’t make any effort whatsoever ! I am really starting to feel bad about myself. I mean usually people get along awesome with me, and I never have issues but when this sort f stuff happens, especially in family… I find it bothersome. This eid passed and she did not email or call, just like every eid. I feel pretty offended. My hubby just ignores the matter or doesn’t want to talk about it. He says he couldn’t care less.
What should I do ? Should I ignore this, and forget her or continue to make efforts ? When they first got married, I sent her birthday wishes and anniversary cards etc. but never once has she remembered any of my family occasions or anything. Also, she has always talked about HER family (sisters, parents) being important to her, well, aren’t we HER family also ? I mean she married into this family, doesn’t she need to make an effort to keep in touch and just show kindness ?
I am very confused… I don’t want to jepordize my husband’s relationship with his elder bro but this attitude of hers is really pathetic. Just 2 brothers and both their wives cannot meet eye to eye. I find it insulting and very humiliating. I really do.
Don't worry about it. You can't force her to care. And chances are its nothing wrong with you. Maybe she just doesn't want to deal too much directly with in-laws. Her loss if she doesn't want to keep in touch despite your attempts.
I have a bhabhi who is like that. She gave birth to my nephew and I had no clue about it. My cousin (her husband) didn't bother to inform me either. I will probably run into the kid soon at which point I will behave as if I never knew he existed, and I'll make it a point to let them know in front of everyone that I have a nephew I never knew about.
Some ladies just don't care to get to be friends with people in their in-laws family. They have their reasons. Leave 'em alone. Its her husband's problem, actually.
PCG - yaar. The problem is that my in-laws are the nicest angels on earth and when she acts/pretends or whatever she does to prove that we are like secondary to her...it really hurts. It hurts me more for them first than for myself. I used to be offended that she never asked about me, but now I am also offended that she doesn't call to even ask about my hubby ! My MIL (mother-in-law) hardly talks about her, but then rubs in a story or 2 once in a while.
The truth is that one day every girl has to leave her family and be with a new one, I personally think that she is still glued to her family and considers the rest meaningless. I confronted her once and she said she had no problems with me or others. But then why does she not make an effort ??? I find that ODD.
I mean honestly...at the rate she is going in terms of relationship. It "feels' like she doesn't really even exist. I mean with or without her...no difference. My issue is that I have never had a so called "non-existent" relationship with someone and so I cannot pretend she doesn't exist as part of the family because in reality she DOES !
some people like to keep their social circle (specially when it comes to this 'khandaan thingy) very limited for whatever reasons....that doesn't mean they don't like you or something... it's just that 'they do Not feel very comfortable in mingling with you'.....as long as they are not doing any harm to you, let them the way they like to be and don't really bother about their attitude towards you. simple
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My hubby just ignores the matter or doesn't want to talk about it. He says he couldn't care less.
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Your husband is a wise man. I think you should follow his example and not cause any problems or unnecessary tensions in the family.
You're making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. Obviously her personality is very different than yours, and obviously she has different views on interacting with in-laws than you do. As an adult, accept that you two are different, respect her for her differences, and move on.
And BTW, if you confront her about this, odds are you'll end up potentially causing problems with your husband and his brother b/c believe me, she will tell her husband if you confront her.
I agree. U just have to let somethings be. If ur husband’s family isn’t stressing over this issue, then don’t stress urself over it either. U have ur ways and she has hers…i’m sure she’s not a bad person or has ill intentions…maybe she is the type who takes a longer time to open up to her in-law family, so just respect that and u’ll get it in return, in due time
Diva, even though everyone else seems to be saying, just let it be, I personally would feel the same way as you...offended. Your extended family is family too and should treat eachother as such. Since your sil doesn't do that even after you confronted her think of it as her loss. You sound like a very nice person and unfortunately SHE is missing out. Try not to feel that you are missing out on something. I don't know what her issues could be. But maintain the relationship with your husbands brother. He's obviously making an effort.
One day your sil may need you for something. One day she may regret what she's doing. You've already expressed your concern to her, so she's aware of how you feel. I hope she changes her attitude. Because she may wish she had done things differently.
Well, i would say the same thing like others, Ignore her. Dont think about her, dont waste ur time thinking about her. If she doesnt care u shouldnt care too. U're elder than her, she might be ur jethani, but she should give u some respect being younger than u. If she didnt call, so what!!
Ju hans ke milay us se hans ke milo
ju hans ke Na milay us se bhi hans ker milo
asool # 2
baqoul Hazrat allama iqbal
Khuda ke bandey tu hain hazarooo.n, Banoo main phirtey hian marey marey main uska banda banoonga jisko, khuda ke bandoon se payar hoga
Conclusion :
There is no problem with that lady in question. It is not her fault that she is not social and talkative by nature to meet your standards. Follow your husband's line of action.
Chemical equation of happiness :
Perfomace of duties+ lowest expectation of return ----> Happiness + Normal blood pressure
Plus the catalyst in this reation is "forgiveness" (put approprate smily here)
Aah.... Folks, Romans, Countrymen ! (loud voice)
I have nationalized the formula of perfect happiness. (emotions )
** Round of Applause!!!!!]]]]]]]]]**
From now on, thee shall not feel the pain of gloom, until the time ultimate calamity...
She's not happy. No doubt. She hardly smiles and looks miserable most of the time. She complains that she can't sleep at night. She has some night disorder that makes her sleep limited hours. Tht makes her a little short during the day. Also, she complains of back problems. But I don't know...she needs to get treatment. Why be "cold" to others around you ? Get some help. Not hide behind these problems !
Also, I spent ten days at my in-laws home this summer. She and her husband were there. She woke up every morning and NOT ONCE did she say Salams to us (me and my husband). I had to say salams to her first in order to hear something in response. I am not saying that I expect to hear salams from peaople first b4 responding. Its just that SHE NEVER said it first. Not even after looking at my face first thing.
I mean just little things about her are weird and all she is doing is pushing us all away from her instead of making us like her. Oh yeah and on a separate note, after one year of marriage, she moved her husband back to the town where her parents live. Is that normal ? To leave your in-laws to move back to your parents town. She made her husband quit his job, leave his parents and move from one state to move to her parent's town (a different state) - ONE YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE !
So, when I wonder about her overall attitude and personality, its not after just the fact that she doesn't call me or email me or that she may dislike me, but its after looking at everything in perspective. Her whole behaviour since marriage has caused me to wonder about her.
I mean just little things about her are weird and all she is doing is pushing us all away from her instead of making us like her. Oh yeah and on a separate note, after one year of marriage, she moved her husband back to the town where her parents live. Is that normal ? To leave your in-laws to move back to your parents town. She made her husband quit his job, leave his parents and move from one state to move to her parent's town (a different state) - ONE YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE !
Woah hold on. Here I disagree with you. I've seen lots of girls move in with their in-laws, or to another state/country where their husband's family is, and then after a year or two you see the girls and their husbands moving back to the girl's hometown or home city/country. I personally don't see any problem with that.
I think you're worrying a bit too much about matters that frankly concern your brother in law and his wife. The whole where-they-choose-to-live is not a decision YOU make, its THEIR decision. If her husband is okay with it, who are you to complain?
Diva:
If this woman has medical problems that make her cranky on a daily basis(lack of sleep would definately be one of them), then I think its a good idea that she's choosing to not to mingle with her in-laws. If she's in a bad mood all the time, she's not taking the chace that she'll lose her temper in front of the in-laws...I think that's a smart decision.
As far as treatment for her medical problems does, you have no clue what goes on in her private life. Do you have access to her medical records? Maybe she did go to the doctor and tried treatments but they didn't work. Maybe she and her husband can't afford the treatment and insurance won't pay for it. She might even be trying something for her medical problems right now. You don't know what goes on behind the doors b/t her husband, her, and her doctor.
Gosh Diva u sound like a typical desi aunty, getting all pissy coz someone decided where they wanted to live ON THEIR OWN, without asking anyone’s permission..
First of all, her husband is a grown man. I’m assuming he’s not mentally retarded so that means he is more than capable of thinking for himself. She didn’t make him do anything.
Why are you assuming that her husband didn’t want to move? Is that what he told your husband? Maybe he lied to spare your husband’s feelings. Maybe he has always wanted to move away from his family and have his own space and all but never did it b/c he didn’t want to hurt his family. But marriage gave him the perfect excuse. Maybe her parents need their daughter for whatever reason. You have no clue what she and her husband talk about when they’re discussing these things PRIVATELY, and you don’t know for a FACT what’s going on with HER family.
And besides, so what if she wants to be near her parents? Is there something wrong with that? Just b/c she signed nikkah papers and married into a new family, does that mean she’s supposed to care any less for her own father, mother, and siblings? Why do you expect her to live with her in-laws? B/C that’s our CULTURE? Because as far as I know, there’s nothing in Islam that requires women to live near in-laws…so if this woman and her husband move to another state…heck even if they move to another country, what’s wrong with that? If her husband is ok with moving away from HIS mother, HIS father, HIS brother, then why does it bother you so much?
The following will probably come across as being very rude and I apologize for that in advance. Believe me that’s not my intention but I just don’t know any other way I can put it. By your posts, you come across as one of those typical desi women with waaaay too much free time on their hands. Those desi women who worry and nitpick on issues which are none of her business. Those women who cause problems in her husband’s family. The women who bad mouth other women without knowing for a FACT what goes on behind the closed doors.
I think it’s awesome that you love and care about your in-laws so much. But the fact is this is your “family” through marriage. I mean, if you had not signed the nikkah papers, would you even be friends with your in-laws let alone love them so much? And God forbid if you and your husband got a divorce tomorrow, would you still maintain this close relationship with your “family”? No matter how much you love/care/respect them, at the end of the day, they are your in-laws.
If your husband can ignore how this woman is treating HIS father, HIS mother, HIS brother, HIS sister etc., then the best thing for you to do is to ignore it too. If you have this much free time to worry about this woman, then get a job to occupy yourself. If you already have one, get a 2nd job…or get a new hobby. Do something to keep your mind off other people’s lives. Because believe me, if you keep this up, in the long run, YOU will be the one causing problems in your husband’s family.
