Okay all of you that have been married or about to get married…espacially those that are importing guys from paki…What is the go with giving dowry in paki espacially if you are not going to stay there. I know some families out of courtesy you give jewellery to MIL (to shut her up) or clothes but how far should you go. (as per social customs). I have asked this question to friends and family but they just tell big tales to make them and their parents look good but i figured here we could be more honest with one another (since it is virtual!!!). What did you guys give on your weddings to inlaws and mil etc…
Re: Jahez- Dowry
dowry is given a lot of importance.
the show off of all the material gifts gold, property, car, or even cash in marriages is unsightly.
gift giving in the sense of providing essential material things to help start up the house of the new couple idea is one thing, but to expect a female's family or her self to bring along wealth and material comforts is in fact a reflection of how greedy the boy or the boy's family can be and how ignorant.
so, we are only as ethical as we do. if we want this tradition of ignominy to go way, we all need to begin implementing the change effect.
every boy for his sister and every father for his daughter, should do no more than is a simple celebration of the women's wedding.
a simple wedding dinner, her self's better character & her modest and education graceful thinking and actions are the best wealth anyone can ever imagine to get.
same for women. parents of women or women themselves who put a monetary value on the man's self, in terms of his wealthiness are really not thinking.
in a committted relationship, anticipated dowries should not be the basis of getting sons married.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
dowry is given a lot of importance. the show off of all the material gifts gold, property, car, or even cash in marriages is unsightly.
gift giving in the sense of providing essential material things to help start up the house of the new couple idea is one thing, but to expect a female's family or her self to bring along wealth and material comforts is in fact a reflection of how greedy the boy or the boy's family can be and how ignorant.
so, we are only as ethical as we do. if we want this tradition of ignominy to go way, we all need to begin implementing the change effect.
every boy for his sister and every father for his daughter, should do no more than is a simple celebration of the women's wedding. a simple wedding dinner, her self's better character & her modest and education graceful thinking and actions are the best wealth anyone can ever imagine to get. same for women. parents of women or women themselves who put a monetary value on the man's self, in terms of his wealthiness are really not thinking.
in a committted relationship, anticipated dowries should not be the basis of getting sons married.
Great reply Dushwari..
Me and my partner both got married in London and not in Pakistan. My husbands side gave me 6 joras which included the walima and the wedding lengha. The other 3 had moderate kaam. They also gave me 3 gold sets which again, included the wedding and walima set. The 3rd set was a thin set or bendable as you could say. My parents bought presents for all his sisters and brother in laws and his nieces which included watches and amazing gold earrings. Its really sad for me to say it but they DID NOT even give any presents to my parents nor my younger sis and bro - which was upsetting and still upsets me as they are pretty well of mashallah! Our family just stays quiet about it and cannot be bothered to even talk about it as it was truely shocking at this!
Wonder if this happened to anyone else?
Re: Jahez- Dowry
^^ oohhh and then another thing was that my parents had bought me some things for me and my husband ie toaster, iron and all that…After couple of months of marriage, i bought the presents home and they wanted to find out what i was given. They had the CHEEK to say “isko pack ker kay kisi aur ko day do”…i couldnt believe it! Again, it was so upsetting that my parents had lovingly bought us all these wonderful presents for us AND they said THAT!!!
Re: Jahez- Dowry
Dear sunset,
I can very well imagine what you had to suffer from. What about ur hubby, does he has the same thinking as your in laws? If not, then don´t bother yourself, since you cant change people´s mentality. Of course it´s hurting because your parents spent a lot of money to make your inlaws feel happy, and instead of being greateful they just take them as granted. Larkiyun ko paalna unhen achi taleem dena, yeh kya kam hai, jo mazeed jaheez ke nakhre bardasht kiye jayen? And trust me either you are getting married in the family or out of that, people just make demands and do not consider your financial situation. Very badddd
Re: Jahez- Dowry
Thanks Saima for your reply.
My husband does not think the same as them thank God! It is very hurtful but now whenever i buy something, i just hide it with me in my room! I know they sometimes they demans towards me but i just ignore as i havent got the time to put up with some of the nonsense!
Re: Jahez- Dowry
SE, I'm sorry that you have had this experience. My in-laws also wanted to know what m parents were giving them when we married. My dad simply told them that any gifts are for my husband and I. He was quite rude about it, but he was deeply insulted that they actually expected something from them. It wasn't until my dewars were married that I realized how much dowry I had been expected to bring. Not that it matters - I didn't receive the barri that they received either :)
Re: Jahez- Dowry
Great reply Dushwari..
Me and my partner both got married in London and not in Pakistan. My husbands side gave me 6 joras which included the walima and the wedding lengha. The other 3 had moderate kaam. They also gave me 3 gold sets which again, included the wedding and walima set. The 3rd set was a thin set or bendable as you could say. My parents bought presents for all his sisters and brother in laws and his nieces which included watches and amazing gold earrings. Its really sad for me to say it but they DID NOT even give any presents to my parents nor my younger sis and bro - which was upsetting and still upsets me as they are pretty well of mashallah! Our family just stays quiet about it and cannot be bothered to even talk about it as it was truely shocking at this!
Wonder if this happened to anyone else?
YES YES YES. o my god another girl out there ! im so happy (well pissed along w. u) that this is not just me. but i do think we are in the minority. we gave all his bro and sister and let me tell u there are lots of htem...stuff . meaning jewelery, watches, purses, clohtes, and a gold set to the mother. and i mean more than 1 of each. and in return my parents and bro/sis got 1 ugly suit each. thast it! no jewerly, purses, etc. nothing else! i think they thought we are from america we must be rich its our duty. while they "pretend" to be poor and they are really doing fine. im still pissed about it but yeah theres nothing we can do. even now on my husb bday we all give him presnets and when my bday came i ASKED for clothes from his mom on purpose...not cuz i wanted or needed them but just to see if shed send me something....she didnt. she said oh of course what u want for ur bday and conveniently she never sent anything and never mentioned it again. this yr im not allwoing any presents to my husband from any of my family members and im gonna see how he feels. and next time we go visit them we are not giving them a single thing. id liek to see how thy feel cuz im sure they will be pissed but oh well what goes around comes around.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
YES YES YES. o my god another girl out there ! im so happy (well pissed along w. u) that this is not just me. but i do think we are in the minority. we gave all his bro and sister and let me tell u there are lots of htem...stuff . meaning jewelery, watches, purses, clohtes, and a gold set to the mother. and i mean more than 1 of each. and in return my parents and bro/sis got 1 ugly suit each. thast it! no jewerly, purses, etc. nothing else! i think they thought we are from america we must be rich its our duty. while they "pretend" to be poor and they are really doing fine. im still pissed about it but yeah theres nothing we can do. even now on my husb bday we all give him presnets and when my bday came i ASKED for clothes from his mom on purpose...not cuz i wanted or needed them but just to see if shed send me something....she didnt. she said oh of course what u want for ur bday and conveniently she never sent anything and never mentioned it again. this yr im not allwoing any presents to my husband from any of my family members and im gonna see how he feels. and next time we go visit them we are not giving them a single thing. id liek to see how thy feel cuz im sure they will be pissed but oh well what goes around comes around.
All this remind me of the song: "Duniya walon jaheez ki laanat, aaj bhi hai aur kal bhi rahegi"
Well Queenbee, I suppose you are doing the right things, just dont let your parents send gifts to your in laws and let them feel that there is a limit to everything. It gaves me the impression that even your hubby don´t pay attention to the fact that your in laws are not interested in giving you something in return. I hope it´s not the case and just my assumptions.
And one more thing, people often say: Leene wala haath kabhi deene wala nahin banta, that´s quite true and explains the behaviour of your in laws.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
dil chota na karo... if you gave them gifts with the "expectation" to get back something then I am sorry but that was wrong from you. Give a gift coz you want to show your gratitude.
I firmly believe that 99% of the relationships fail due to expectations.. don't expect too much from your husband/wife/family/friends and you will be awesomely happy..
Re: Jahez- Dowry
nahin ansoo main aap ki baat se agree nahin hun. They are not unhappy because their family did not get something in return. They are just annoyed by the behaviour of their in laws. and there should always be give and take, if its only one sided then it´s a burden.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
it is a custom that the girls's side do not recieve ne gifts at all , de gurls get money on d doodh pilai . i hve never heard of the gurls side recieveing gifts from the bosy side. it's always the guy's side that gets the gifts and they give the girl all the jewellery and suits.
sorry but you all seem too materialistic to me . surely marriage is much more than that . and also i dont think gifts should b expected . wotever sumoen gives out of love shud be accepted and if they dont give them im sure one gift will not mke a difference to u .
yeh gifts shud b given to the bride , but bride's family shudnt expect nefin . d girls sisters can ask as much as they want in doodh pilai .
no offence mean to anyone .
Re: Jahez- Dowry
it is a custom that the girls's side do not recieve ne gifts at all , de gurls get money on d doodh pilai . i hve never heard of the gurls side recieveing gifts from the bosy side. it's always the guy's side that gets the gifts and they give the girl all the jewellery and suits.
sorry but you all seem too materialistic to me . surely marriage is much more than that . and also i dont think gifts should b expected . wotever sumoen gives out of love shud be accepted and if they dont give them im sure one gift will not mke a difference to u .
yeh gifts shud b given to the bride , but bride's family shudnt expect nefin . d girls sisters can ask as much as they want in doodh pilai .
no offence mean to anyone .
If you say gifts should not be expected, that´s true but this should apply to boy´s family aswell. Gift and dawry should not be expected at all, even if it is a custom. And the people who are complaining here, did not sound materialistic to me, since they are just feeling sorry about their parents who had to spend huge amount on their dawry. And in return they brides had to listen to the comments from their in laws, which is very hurting and a shameful act.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
What is the difference between dowry and mehr? I dont get it. Is one cultural and the other a religious tradition or both are ? Thank you.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
If you say gifts should not be expected, that´s true but this should apply to boy´s family aswell. Gift and dawry should not be expected at all, even if it is a custom. And the people who are complaining here, did not sound materialistic to me, since they are just feeling sorry about their parents who had to spend huge amount on their dawry. And in return they brides had to listen to the comments from their in laws, which is very hurting and a shameful act.
well im sure when they spent huge amounts of money they spend it out of love for their daughter and her in - laws no point of complaining when you have given it . yeh boys' family shudnt expect dowry and i havent come across ne that have done , this is not done in our family .
i understand that dese girls hve issues bt surely dere is more to do den stress urself over who gave wt n who dint.
Re: Jahez- Dowry
Mizzarani,
I am not here on GS to complain that my family did not receive any presents. I am merely saying that no gratitude was shown towards my family when they presented money and gifts to my husbands side.
It was very deeply upsetting that the presents that were bought by my parents was simply thrown back at their face. I didnt even get any money on the doodh pilai and i am grateful that i didnt as God knows, it would've been used against me..
And im certainly not materialistic - i dont want stuff/presents/gifts all the time. I can tell you, that i have worked before marriage and also work presently and have enough money Alhumdullilah. What i am trying to say that my parents have worked their butt off to save money and provide for all of us - they only went to get us some stuff to show their love and thoughtfullness - and i just STILL cannot beleive what in laws said about all that.
Marriage is supposed to be a new bond between 2 familes yet in both our families, there is slight animosty about all thats happened - their is always going to be flashbacks in my family's mind and there is nothing they can do to stop that unfortunately...
Re: Jahez- Dowry
A dowry (also known as trousseau) is a gift of money or valuables given to the family of the bridegroom by the family of the bride at the time of their marriage It has been regarded as the contribution of the bride’s family to the new couple’s household expenses.
Dowry has been a long standing cultural practice in various societies. In those societies where the practice has persisted through to modern times, the practice has been in decline or become illegal. However, dowry remains relatively common in certain cultures, which tend to assign social stigma to unmarried women such that it is seen to be desirable to marry off daughters as soon as possible. The reasoning employed to justify providing dowry is that it removes the “economic burden” of caring for daughters, and increases the likelihood that the new married couple will be able to provide for the parents during their old age.
Mehr however, is an agreed amount between the 2 families before the marriage takes place that will be signed away to the bride on her nikah. This is given so just in case if something serious happens between the couple and leads to permanent separation/divorce, she has got some money with which she can look after herself with.
Please correct me if i am wrong…
Re: Jahez- Dowry
dil chota na karo... if you gave them gifts with the "expectation" to get back something then I am sorry but that was wrong from you. Give a gift coz you want to show your gratitude.
I firmly believe that 99% of the relationships fail due to expectations.. don't expect too much from your husband/wife/family/friends and you will be awesomely happy..
Ditto!!!! Thank fully, someone has a brain here..
i can't believe that even after growing up abroad, women could have such kind of mentality.... it is just sad!
Re: Jahez- Dowry
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