I had a “love marriage”. Our fathers had known each other a long time ago and my fiance took the marriage idea to them. Then my dad went on a two week trip to Pakistan and my parents and his sorted out the details. The nikkah and the date was decided a mere weeks or months before it actually happened. very little family from both our sides was there, his parents weren’t there and only my chacha and step-khala was there.
I have a cousin who’s getting married in September. her name’s Aysha and her fiance’s parents hounded hers for a year for the rishta and her parents kept saying no until last year when they got engaged. Then another year was taken with the guy’s parents making numerous trips to the girl’s house to set the date with her parents making nakhrey and dragging their feet.
I was talking to my father a little while ago and he said that Aysha’s situation is the ideal, with the guy’s family going to the girl and larki ki izzat istra banti hai, with the guys family wanting the girl that bad to make a million trips and beg and plead for the girls hand. To him, this was the best way to go about things, even though Aysha for the longest time resisted the marriage and was so afraid and upset. i don’t have a problem with how my marriage came about but i keep getting asked, why so quick? why done in such a weird way with hardly any family there? so what is your view, izzat kistra banti hai? (in the eyes of family, extended and immediate)
At times in the eyes of the family and the extended family, well actually human beings izzat kabee be nahee bantee. [If they are that sort of people. Not all are...] If for instance your case would have been just like that of your cousins where your fiancés parents had to make a million trips and beg for you. Then the izzat train would have run be derailed by you not getting an engagement ring big enough as your cousin. Its like a hurdle race and each hurdle matters.
Like you mentioned it depends on how long they begged for the girl in the girls case.
And then how much they spend on the engagement…
And then how much they spend on the marriage and so on and so forth…
And how much is spend on the first born…
The list is endless. Hence izzat is directly proportional to the money spend and how much one lowers and degrads oneself. The more they spend towards one the more that person is worth and the more that person is izzat-e-fied
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....[her] situation is the ideal, with the guy's family going to the girl and larki ki izzat istra banti hai....
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Tau when Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) took the first initiative and sent her marriage proposal to Prophet Muhammad (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) through an intermediary, was Khadijah's [may Allah be pleased with her] izzat reduced in any way, Nauzubillah? The Prophet's first wife, his first marital relationship, the first person he ran to for comfort subsequent to receiving the first revelation, his life partner for several years, the first person to believe in him. Was her izzat reduced in any way by her sending the marriage proposal (through an intermediary) and not the other way around? According to our supposedly ever-so enlightened 21st century desi principles, the Prophet should have sent the rishta and not the other way around. Which way do we want to follow, however - the Prophet's own example, or 21st century societal dictates.
"Izzat" kia hai - every family, balkay every individual, defines it differently and no one definition would ever, rationally, apply in every situation. Sorry i don't mean to offend anyone, these are just my thoughts and yes i can be a 100% wrong, but i don't think i am and if i am - someone should correct me politely. What function do these cultural slapstick labels serve? With some issues like this one of "izzat", i don't think there is a compatibility between: the Prophet's own life circumstances, versus our society's expectations. Infact, if anything, the two are in stark opposition to each other at times.
Firstly, congratulations on your recent marriage. Secondly, there is NOTHING wrong with the idea of "love" marriage, meaning two people actually liking each other (god forbid that ever happens). :)
Izzat is something that one makes for themselves not over a matter of days but a matter of a lifetime. Your family and close friends know you well because of your izzat. Having your parents blessings in marriage is crucial, I believe, but at the same time, you should have earned that izzat from years in advance.
I always used to tell my mom, as long as one's heart is clean and intentions are good, who is anyone else to judge others. Izzat is a family's pride.. the whole family earns it for their good nature and good well being (overall). In terms of protecting one's izzat, well, this world is a cruel cruel world and all I can tell you is that if you remain sheltered in the four walls of your room all your life or if you dare to step into the outside world, you and your familiy's "izzat" is judged regardless. Therefore, don't worry about others and worry about your own self worth and the izzat that YOU, yourself have built for yourself and your family...Because in the end, that's all that matters...
money <> izzat/repsect in any sense and to those who it does, its a really sad world u live in..
if degrading someone makes u think that ur worth more, then good luck to u. But from where i stand, that just looks like playing games.. robbing people of their izzat to define ur own is pretty sad
Sarah, no matter how hard we try to escape, we are still imprisoned by some sort of social rules.Ofcourse nobody has the right to make any type of negative comments about your marriage, but these things have been instilled in 'desi minds' for hundreds of generations.Personally I think that you should be happy with your marriage, and try to forget about any comments that other people might be making.Its true your situation might have been different from the typical desi wedding, but so long as you're happy its all good.From what I have seen the last thing that you should be questioning is 'izzat'. Izzat is not always following the norm of society instead ,its respecting yourself, your partner and your families .
I agree with the posts in here, specially Nadia's. The Prophet (Sallallah Alaih Wasalam) is the ultimate example for all of us and if his first wife, the first convert to islam and the person he always went to for advice and comfort proposed to him, then why is that considered wrong in our society ?
I think we've started caring too much about what others think. To the point that even if their thoughts are anti islamic we care too much about them and consider others view of us the beginning and end of our existance. Instead we should focus on whats important, Allah, Islam, Hazrat Muhammad (Sallallah Alaih Wasalam), Our parents and our immediate families. Concern with others views of us should only be present IF we are actually treating beyond islamically correct values. Otherwise let others think what they wish.
so what is your view, izzat kistra banti hai? (in the eyes of family, extended and immediate)
tho i pretty much agree with what Muslim Queen is saying, i'll still add kay izzat means a lot of things in different scenarios. it has a lot to do with how the families themselves feel with respect to thier relatives. if the people you finally end up with do not meet their relatives a lot, and are thus not tradtitional families, they like to maintain a certain independence from other families in their relationship circle.
even if the families are close-packed but the guy is bitten by the mind-of-my-own bug, then also you can have a pretty izzat-dar wedding cuz that simply means he aint too close or doesnt care a fig abt his relatives circles or even his parents that much.
but if you are from a close-packed community-living traditional family, and the guy is bitten by the love bug and u have a love marriage with a guy whose family has some importance wthini the community, you might have problems since ultimately you'll find that you'll also have to socialise amongst them, and even if they treat you well, another bhabi taking the normal route gets super-great treatment.
as for the Hazrat Khadija example, i would have simply said Arab culture's examples cannot be universally applied, but there is sometihng i'll like people to note here. Hazrat Khadija was a very powerful, rich, respected female, who 'employed' Prohet Muhammad (PBUH). the idea being that in their case, she was the one who altered our Prophet's social status with her marriage to him,and not the other way around.
For once, I have to agree with ghuLail.. the example of Hazrat Khadijah (RA) asking Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) hand cannot be applied o our culture at all.. Arabic traditional customs cannot be impose upon all muslims.. in Islam we are bind with farz and whatever Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) sunnah.. but there are so many things that he (PBUH) did was what arabs did and we are in no way to follow that.. muslims are free to follow their traditional customs until they dont contradict with basic Islamic rules and instructions!
Now where do boys family asking girls family contradict Islam? we may not like that custom as our own whim and wish but its perfectly correct.. Islam is so flexible that man and women can live together as husband and wife without even anyone besides them is present.. they can tell and ask for gawah later on whenever they can find people.. just intent is needed for a marriage.. but if we r bent on disregarding every custom of our society then there wont be anything remaining of our Pakistani identity.. sure there are so harmful customs an dtraditions in our society needed to be get rid off but this example in post is not one of them.. how easy it is to sit thousands and years away from Pakistan and start judging all its customs and traditions..
Problems in our lives start as soon we start to think about 'other people', if Allah is pleased with you(inshallah), then why worry about other people..
sarah....i think i understand wat u r talking about
i tell u one thing .-my husband's proposal was the very first one for me (at least in my knowledge).....my parents were quick to respond even thoygh i wasn't (back then:-))I was 19 at that time
in just one month i was engaged ....n believe it or not my parents met him 6 days before the big day, for the first time ever , when he came to pak ....hehe
the only thing my parents looked was , his family was known to us (distant relatives)
n everyone who knew him was positive about him
we were married just 4 months after engagement
n Alhamdulillah i'm the happiest person on this planet :-)
ppl did talk about us , specially when i was eldest in my siblings ....they said quite wierd stuff but who cares ....my in-laws regard this sooo much n they always appreciate my parents for avoiding the 'nakhray part'
**Sarah, here's the deal, personal experience.
The simpler the wedding the higher the chances of the couple
being happy and staying married. Trust me on that one.
Secondly, it's your marriage, your day, your husband,
your life, your 'izzat' in others' eyes should be the least
important to you. Would they have payed their 'izzats' to you
had you been married with 600 people present, in some ritz-carlton,
after his family paraded and baracaded your home for a year,
when in the end he turned out to be a jerk and you had a
miserable marriage? Not to say that all marriages which
happen that way end up in failures, but you just don't know.
If you're unhappy no one comes to share your misery. Then
why should you be concerned when you are happy? When two
people are happy with each other, that's all that's matters.**
For the want of "izzat", how much could you have lost?
Why is fake behaviour considered "correct"?
Why is saying everything but what you think considered correct?
This is very interesting. So far everything is going well Alhumdulillah, but it’s still early, so you never know. I’m just hoping it stays this way :halo:
Thanks 
