I don't know you guys, I have a little girl and I'm already hoping to send her off in style and to use my hard-earned money to show her my appreciation for her through a celebration, so as a parent I don't think it's an issue of control or izzat ki baat. Also, whether my daughter realizes it or not, she has tremendous impact on all the elders and family friends who meet her. I have several best friends who I consider sisters, and see my daughter as their neice. If they were snubbed for an invitation because my daughter wanted an "intimate reception," I would be hurt.
I think the idea that either the parents or the children would use the fact that they are paying for the wedding as an excuse to ignore the wishes of the other party seems so counterintuitive to the whole spirit of a wedding celebration. I agree with Aaliyah, if I didn't want my friends and family to be happy on my wedding day, I'd just invite myself and my hubby-to-be.
again you missed my point
I'm not the typical bridezilla I have done my research I just don't see myself doing pointless traditions that are kinda irrelevant to me.
I don't want my way with everything but if I'm paying for it then I do get a say especially since my SOs parents have already had 4 other wedding functions that they've planned and done (3 brothers and 1 sister) and I'm not the first foreigner in the family + mother adoring me helps.
My family wants what I want (my mother didn't have a "traditional" wedding) and my views on weddings are that both parties groom and bride get to choose and yes my in-laws can have a say since they know more about venues than I do but I do have things that I prefer.
For instance I rather have the functions in-doors than out because its easier to decor and it wouldn't be a huge mess with seating etc but I wouldn't throw a fuss if it was outdoors as long as my skin doesn't touch the grass (allergic reactions)
I'm not worried about the food or what I'm going to put in the wedding because my in-laws family are not backward just because they live in Pakistan. I'm not the first foreigner in the family and won't be the last.. and considering I don't really care about the guest list any more I'm not worried nor stressed.
i don't think i implied that you were a bridezilla or that your inlaws were backwards because they were pakistani. you sounded like you were unsure of the wedding traditions so i simply pointed out that the forum is a great place to ask any questions you might have.
BUT, us 'getting what we want' doesn't mean asking for things that our families cannot afford. That's just wrong. I could never ask my parents for something they couldn't afford....
A lot of guys during weddings become silent lambs and let their parents or sisters take over everything which is a huge mistake.
that's what we're talking about though- brides asking for things that are overbudget and grooms not really participating. your parents know you and know you wouldn't go overbudget or be unreasonable whilst planning and that's fantastic.
i do, think, though that brides and grooms living abroad don't necessarily fall into this category.
The guy needs to be involved and be the PRIME communicator to his fiance and her family, and vice-versa. The bride and groom need to be the main middle-men between both families, not siblings or parents! That may be off topic, but it's important!
In traditional desi culture the bride got virtually no say in anything.. from choice of groom to choice of dress.. Just the fact she was getting a husband was meant to be ‘enough’.. Am sure no-one on here thinks along those extremes but that’s what a lot of our mums and grandmothers went thru so a bride having a real say in her wedding prep and being assertive can sometimes be seen as ‘rude’ or ‘arrogant’.. Even if it might be something as simple as just choosing her own dress :hinna:
I don't know you guys, I have a little girl and I'm already hoping to send her off in style and to use my hard-earned money to show her my appreciation for her through a celebration, so as a parent I don't think it's an issue of control or izzat ki baat. Also, whether my daughter realizes it or not, she has tremendous impact on all the elders and family friends who meet her. I have several best friends who I consider sisters, and see my daughter as their neice. If they were snubbed for an invitation because my daughter wanted an "intimate reception," I would be hurt.
I think the idea that either the parents or the children would use the fact that they are paying for the wedding as an excuse to ignore the wishes of the other party seems so counterintuitive to the whole spirit of a wedding celebration. I agree with Aaliyah, if I didn't want my friends and family to be happy on my wedding day, I'd just invite myself and my hubby-to-be.
I don't think anyone is saying that people who you love and care about should be excluded. As another poster mentioned earlier, if the bride and groom actually know 300+ people who are part of their lives, and who they have a on-going POSITIVE relation with.....then by all means all those people should be invited. As your daugher grows up, if your best friends continue to be a part of your and her life....and your daugher sees them they way she sould see her khala's....then I don't see why your daughter would not want them to be a part of her wedding.
Yet every single desi wedding I've attended....where the guest list is 300+.....there are ALWAYS guests at the wedding who have absolute no relations with the bride or groom. At every single wedding, there are always guests who are being introduced to BOTH the bride and groom! Well heck....if the bride and groom already don't know who they are....WHY the heck did they get an invitation to the wedding?! With my close desi friends....there are always guests at the wedding where if I point and ask who they are (either at the event itself OR later in the pics)....BOTH the bride and groom respond "I have no idea....probably someone my parents knew". And yes, almost every single desi wedding has guest who're "aunties" in the community....who don't have a POSITIVE relationship with the bride or the bride's mother....who're known as community gossips....but they get an invitation anyway b/c gawd forbid their "feelings" get hurt. Its these type of guests that most desi couples have an issue with (people they don't know and/or people who they don't like).
But I think many of us are missing the point of the thread. I don't think it's necessarily about guest count. Its the wedding as a whole. From the bride's outfit, jewelry, event decor, music, food....choice of invitation....all those little details.....when parents and the couple talk....and clearly there is a disagreement on what/how something should be done.....who should have the final say? With many things....it's not always possible to compromise.
Common areas of conflict:
- guest list
- clothing
- gifts/bari/jahez
^ Along with clothing and guest list....among the desi couples I know.....decor and invitations were also major sources of conflicts (ie. generally the couple wanting a more modern/contemporary look/feel.....parents wanting the traditional desi look/feel).
Until The wedding forum if gs, I didn't even know the big deal of wedding..I never bought of the wedding day as my day..it was the happiest moment for my mother n that was it... I didn't even know about the guest list, clothing- i got my lehnga n a few fancy suits from one place that my family had been going to for long, rest was just plain shalwar qameez that I needed since I moved to Pakistan after shadi...my sister, auntie, n a mmi did the jewelry shopping for me..I had my rukhsati from the home that I grew up in,my friends n cousins decorated the wall behinfpd the couch with mix n match dupattas, n alhamdulillah I have been happily married..wedding forum showed me the things I never knew!!!
^ Wow.....you're very blessed not to experience any conflict when it came to your wedding! :)
Did you have any say at all when it came to your outfits or other aspects of the wedding? I guess I'm wondering whether or not the wedding was conflict free b/c (1) Your vision of your wedding was very similar to what they chose for you OR (2) You weren't too particular about the outfit, decor etc. (I have a friend who's like this...she really doesn't care about this type of stuff and is happy with whatever her mother picks out for her).
I think I’ll be fine. I’m quite charming and I can always use the “foreigner” card if I really wanted something. although I can’t think of anything that I really want..
Now that I'm thinking of it, I don't really know any bridezillas, who's parents paid for every expensive detail and the groom had no say, I don't actually believe that anyone is THAT selfish.
Now that I'm thinking of it, I don't really know any bridezillas, who's parents paid for every expensive detail and the groom had no say, I don't actually believe that anyone is THAT selfish.
think of those screaming toddlers with their parents doing nothing now make those toddlers grow into adults acting the same way because their parents enable them :D
^ Unfortunately I personally know of 2 extreme cases where parents took out a loan to pay for the wedding the daughter wanted. One of these happens to be a cousin of mine. The 2nd one is married to one of hubby’s closest friends (so he heard all the details from the guy).
Both cases the brides wanted things that were out of the parents budget, and they threw such a fit that in order to keep her happy, the parents took out loans. Of course in both cases that parents justified it by using the whole “oh she’s under so much stress, this isn’t the “real” her…let’s not cause her any more distress”.
With my cousin is was a total arranged marriage back home so I’m not sure if the guy was aware of all the $$ drama going at when her parents were planning the wedding (I doubt he knew). But in the 2nd case, she became such a bi*ch that the guy pretty much let her plan the entire thing b/c he got tired of all the fights over it. 'til this day he says that he felt like a guest at his own wedding (ie. he had no say in anything…he literally just showed up on the day and did what he was told).
Until The wedding forum if gs, I didn't even know the big deal of wedding..I never bought of the wedding day as my day..it was the happiest moment for my mother n that was it... I didn't even know about the guest list, clothing- i got my lehnga n a few fancy suits from one place that my family had been going to for long, rest was just plain shalwar qameez that I needed since I moved to Pakistan after shadi...my sister, auntie, n a mmi did the jewelry shopping for me..I had my rukhsati from the home that I grew up in,my friends n cousins decorated the wall behinfpd the couch with mix n match dupattas, n alhamdulillah I have been happily married..wedding forum showed me the things I never knew!!!
We better keep our kids well away from Wedding Forum. lol
Paheli.. yes I had a say, I picked both my outfits (shadi and valima that was paid by my husband), and I had told my mom that I didnt want the gold sets that I may never wear so she got me necklace/earrings with precious stones etc but I dont wear those very often either (thats another topic) but yes i was asked for my opinion in everything that directly involved me, i was thrilled to choose the invites as well (I just got a big folder from the stationary place at home and picked one :D) for guests, food etc. my elders took care of that.. and honestly I didnt know most of the guests at the shadi but apparently my parents knew them and had been to a shadi in their house and hence they were invited
and I didnt get a chance to attend my valima because I got late at the parlor..s o by the time I got home (at in laws where valima was)the food had been served and most of the guests had left already… it was just the family affair then and boy it was fun.. some people tried to make a big deal out of it but I could care less.. my husband and I sat on the couch singing with family, drinking chai in my lehnga, and he spent all that time with me.. total worth the money spent on clothes and makeup :d
my mother wanted to add in more considering my dad had passed away and she didnt want me to feel anything but I had to stop her from overspending because I wanted her to save it for her trips to visit me after shadi (how smart)
I have heard of parents taking loans out for weddings, but I'm pretty sure for those weddings it was just because the parents had big dreams when it came to their daughters' wedding, so they planned weddings they couldn't afford without a loan.
I have heard of parents taking loans out for weddings, but I'm pretty sure for those weddings it was just because the parents had big dreams when it came to their daughters' wedding, so they planned weddings they couldn't afford without a loan.
I know a case where the parents took out a second mortgage on their house for the wedding .... but they didn't have a daughter. It was for their son's wedding.
(how smart)