I think things have changed and brides and grooms have more say in what happens on their wedding day. But how much has to be according exactly to the bride or groom’s vision? To what degree do the close family and friends get a say in how the events should be? Is everything in the control of the bride and groom, despite their lack of experience?
I’m also reminded about this line from *Sex in the City *(as girls are shopping with Charlotte for bridesmaids dresses):
Charlotte: Carrie, you’re right, you have to tell him. But not before the wedding, it’s supposed to be my week.
Miranda: It’s your day. You get a day. Not a week.
when the bride and groom exclusively pay for all of their wedding costs, then they can have decide how things are done. if your parents are footing the bill, they get to make the decisions on how many to invite, whom to invite, where to spend money on, etc. it galls me when younger, working couples expect things to happen exactly as they wish when they're not even contributing a little bit to the wedding financially! your parents have likely been saving up for years and years for this big day, not just money but also hopes and expectations of sending you off in the best possibly way- you can't just shove them aside and demand things be your way. and yes, that applies to in-laws too. they're also parents, they're also excited, and it IS also their kid thats getting married.
also, way too often the wedding becomes all about the bride and how its her day. guess what, lady, its really not. its your day in that you get to dress up and yes, you are getting married, but you ain't marrying yourself. there's another person, and his family, involved too. you have to be respectful of what they want, especially if you are having a joint function.
BUT having said that, a lot of grooms also don't step up and speak up on their families' behalf either when the bride and her family get crazy, and thats an issue too.
lol, i believe i'm the only one who can proudly say i have done my bridals, my jahez and also my honeymoon trip all by myself. i just don't believe in demanding your parents for a lot of things, also when they have to manage on other things like the arrangements, catering, decor and other little things. so i decided to do as much as i could, and let my parents also feel a little cool about my wedding, and not stressed! i didn't do it because they were out of budget or something like that, lol, i did it so that my parents could happily be involved in my all events and not to be worried about finance. And i was always against jahez, but then on the other side(my in laws) its my fiancee who is doing everything(almost). so we both decided to make out parents less stressed on our wedding, and at the same time, they can always fulfill our desires/wishes. After all they always dream of giving their children the best too. You can make your big day all yours, by stepping up for supporting your parents and after all its all for their and your own betterment. it teaches you a lot,makes you responsible enough!
and no it's not at all about whoever is paying, gets to decide! everyone has to understand that their parents would definitely want to give them the best, but they also have to think about the budget too. so if you have few wishes, try to get them fulfilled by supporting your parents a little!
Where is the limit when it comes to other people's wishes for your big day? If you are going to be contributing only a small amount in comparison to your parents, then how is it decided who should get what they want?
I don't think its just the parents that get to decide. I also think its the couple whos getting married (mostly the bride) should get a say in what they want.
If I have to tolerate having 300+ guests at my wedding then I should have a say in what happens in it right?
^ **that depends. are your wishes in line with the wedding budget? what does your fiance and his family want? too often i've seen how brides want things that either the groom's family cannot afford, or that her parents cannot, and then theres a whole lot of whining and moaning about how everyone is evil and no one respects that its "her day." i call bs on that.
as for tolerating 300 guests, i don't know if thats the right word to use either... why are you tolerating them? are they not all there to celebrate your day with you? is it really that terrible to have a big guest list? and why should the bride have most of the say? what makes her more special than the groom? if the marriage is going to be a union of two equal partners, and lets face it, we'd all fight tooth and nail to defend our right to an equal marriage, then why is the wedding so heavily skewed in favour of the bride and her family? especially when it often comes at the cost of hurtful feelings within the groom's family?
**(i'm not specifically referring to you, just generally speaking.)
Parents should always get a say in even if they're not paying. It's their child's wedding and obviously they would love to take part in all the planning. It's all part of the big day. Even though i paid for a lot of the wedding part I wasn't too bridezilla about any part of the wedding. Both sides had a lot of say and I'm glad because that meant I had a lot of support from parents.
That's such a sad thing about tolerating guests. They are there to celebrate your big occasion.
I believe parents (on both sides) should always be asked their opinions on how the wedding events should be done. The bride and groom should also always be asked their opinions on all the events....unless they have specified that they don't care about something and don't want to be asked. This being said....
When there are disagreements between parents and the bride (or groom) about HOW something specific must be done.....I believe at that time.....the person paying for it should have the final say.
If a bride (and/or groom) wants TOTAL control over guest lists, decor, her own outfits, jewelry etc. etc. etc......then they should be ready to write the check for it. Overwhelming majority of desi brides have a LONG list of "wants" for their wedding....yet very few are prepapred to actually pay for it themselves.
Situations where the bride/groom can afford to contribute some of the weddings costs but not all....then I think the best way to do this is to choose exactly WHERE the parents money is going. This way, if/when disagreements arise.....it's clear who should have the final say. I know 2 couples where the bride/groom had money but not enough to pay for all the events they wanted. In one situation, the bride/groom paid for the "engagement party" and mehndi......but the parents paid for the nikah/baraat/walima. In the 2nd case I know....the parents paid (and had control of ) all the events EXCEPT the actual baraat reception. The couple fought to pay for that b/c they wanted absolute control over reception in regards to guest and decor. They also didn't want 300+ guests. The big compromise? A week after the wedding.....the parents paid for (and controlled) a 2nd reception! But on their nikah day, their true baraat reception was paid for by the couple.
Absolutely nothing wrong with having "wants" for a bride and groom. But they should be ready to back up those "wants" with a check or two.
** For the record, hubby and I paid for our wedding, and thus had control over everything. We did ask our parents their opinions.....but at the end, when we didn't agree with what they wanted....we ended up going with what we wanted. And since we were the ones writing the checks and signing the vendor contracts....there really wasn't too much stress since we didn't "need" anyone's approval to move forward. Our wedding wasn't how our parents would've had it if they were in control.....but at the end, parents showed up with smiling faces, and never said a negative word about anything. And let me state one thing....when the $$ for the vendors, outfits, jewelry etc. is the money you and your fiance worked hard to earn yourselves.....believe me when I say that the amount spent definately goes down! It's VERY easy to choose things that you "want" when mommy/daddy are paying for it. But when you know the EXACT cost of every single thing, and you know that the money is coming out of your own bank account.....at that time it's not that difficult to see that many of those "wants" are really not worth the cost. Spending your own money gets your priorities straight real fast!
Honestly some girls are obsessed with their weddings. I think it's safe to say we all want a wedding that includes a pretty dress, nice decor, good venue but some girls can be rather unreasonable to the point that they make it all about them. They often end up hurting important relationships for something petty. But honestly, in my opinion we should just let those girls be. I mean what will come out of teaching them to be reasonable and can you really reason with them during wedding planning when emotions are high?
I mean who wants to deal with a bridezilla throwing a hissy fit? If she insists it's her day and by that if she means her mayun, her mehndi, her wedding, her valima just take a deep breath and let it be. She is who she is and being tough with her won't turn her into a new leaf. If anything, it will cause lifelong resentment.
^ **that depends. are your wishes in line with the wedding budget? what does your fiance and his family want? too often i've seen how brides want things that either the groom's family cannot afford, or that her parents cannot, and then theres a whole lot of whining and moaning about how everyone is evil and no one respects that its "her day." i call bs on that.
as for tolerating 300 guests, i don't know if thats the right word to use either... why are you tolerating them? are they not all there to celebrate your day with you? is it really that terrible to have a big guest list? and why should the bride have most of the say? what makes her more special than the groom? if the marriage is going to be a union of two equal partners, and lets face it, we'd all fight tooth and nail to defend our right to an equal marriage, then why is the wedding so heavily skewed in favour of the bride and her family? especially when it often comes at the cost of hurtful feelings within the groom's family?
**(i'm not specifically referring to you, just generally speaking.)
Well for me the functions I've been in that had 300+ people were entrance and graduation ceremonies at school. So its a bit overwhelming you see especially when my guest list would be about 50 people lol. Besides its cultural for desis to have hundreds of people at their wedding to celebrate it and I was thinking well I could have a flower girl(s) and some non-desi food.
I don't see how thats unfair? When the wedding will be in Pakistan and there will be foreign guests who might not be able to eat Pakistani food. Flower girls and other things aren't done in my SOs family and I'm definitely sure its because he's Pakistani.
Also my SO doesn't really mind he's open to anything really as long as its not so absurd. (He said "no" to cake :() I can't really think of anything that would cost an arm and a leg.. perhaps the flowers?
I don't really know western, east/south asian weddings so my "demand" isn't that big. I just know that I don't want to wear red and I'm only going to have 2 or 3 functions
I know you weren't "specifically" referring to me but it seemed like an attack.. I don't want the moon or want a huge, heavy lengha etc. I just want to have a good experience and have fun with my husband and not be watched by so many people.. its embarrassing.
Ummmm how many times has anyone complained about how all guests do is nitpick and complain and whine and stuff?
If I were getting married, I'd invite the people I truly cared for and wanted them to be a part of....but when it comes to ppl who are invited just to "save face" because they won't shut up otherwise, and when you have to shove aside the ppl you really want to invite (and yes I've heard of that happening, where so many of the parents friends/relatives came that there was no more room for the couple's friends) then it does become more about tolerating them than celebrating.
on the other hand, if you know and love each and every 350+ person at the wedding...then by all means, invite everyone. :D
Ummmm how many times has anyone complained about how all guests do is nitpick and complain and whine and stuff?
If I were getting married, I'd invite the people I truly cared for and wanted them to be a part of....but when it comes to ppl who are invited just to "save face" because they won't shut up otherwise, and when you have to shove aside the ppl you really want to invite (and yes I've heard of that happening, where so many of the parents friends/relatives came that there was no more room for the couple's friends) then it does become more about tolerating them than celebrating.
on the other hand, if you know and love each and every 350+ person at the wedding...then by all means, invite everyone. :D
Its my SOs wish to invite all these people. I'm actually scared of the cost... just by the invitations alone
I don't really know western, east/south asian weddings so my "demand" isn't that big. I just know that I don't want to wear red and I'm only going to have 2 or 3 functions
I know you weren't "specifically" referring to me but it seemed like an attack.. I don't want the moon or want a huge, heavy lengha etc. I just want to have a good experience and have fun with my husband and not be watched by so many people.. its embarrassing.
i'm sorry you felt that way; it wasn't my intention at all :/
maybe its time to delve into the forum in more depth and ask away about any traditions/aspects of south asian weddings that haven't been covered so you can become more familiar with them prior to the wedding and hopefully it alleviates sme of your stress about how everything will go down. since you are marrying in pakistan, there will be limited things you can have a say in, unfortunately, such as the guest list, sitting on a stage and "being watched" etc. BUT loads of brides opt to wear other colours besides red at their wedding and i don't see a flower girl being an issue either or the non-desi food, so hopefully you do get your way there.
my point was that it really needs to be about balance between the bride/her family and the groom/his family. one side does not, and cannot, trump the other.
i'm sorry you felt that way; it wasn't my intention at all :/
maybe its time to delve into the forum in more depth and ask away about any traditions/aspects of south asian weddings that haven't been covered so you can become more familiar with them prior to the wedding and hopefully it alleviates sme of your stress about how everything will go down. since you are marrying in pakistan, there will be limited things you can have a say in, unfortunately, such as the guest list, sitting on a stage and "being watched" etc. BUT loads of brides opt to wear other colours besides red at their wedding and i don't see a flower girl being an issue either or the non-desi food, so hopefully you do get your way there.
my point was that it really needs to be about balance between the bride/her family and the groom/his family. one side does not, and cannot, trump the other.
again you missed my point
I'm not the typical bridezilla I have done my research I just don't see myself doing pointless traditions that are kinda irrelevant to me.
I don't want my way with everything but if I'm paying for it then I do get a say especially since my SOs parents have already had 4 other wedding functions that they've planned and done (3 brothers and 1 sister) and I'm not the first foreigner in the family + mother adoring me helps.
My family wants what I want (my mother didn't have a "traditional" wedding) and my views on weddings are that both parties groom and bride get to choose and yes my in-laws can have a say since they know more about venues than I do but I do have things that I prefer.
For instance I rather have the functions in-doors than out because its easier to decor and it wouldn't be a huge mess with seating etc but I wouldn't throw a fuss if it was outdoors as long as my skin doesn't touch the grass (allergic reactions)
I'm not worried about the food or what I'm going to put in the wedding because my in-laws family are not backward just because they live in Pakistan. I'm not the first foreigner in the family and won't be the last.. and considering I don't really care about the guest list any more I'm not worried nor stressed.
As a guy who is not married yet, I think it's most important for the groom and bride to do things the way they want regardless of who's paying for what. It is THEIR day(combined). Not the parents. I'm not going to force my son and daughter to have a wedding I want, it's going to be for them. BUT, us 'getting what we want' doesn't mean asking for things that our families cannot afford. That's just wrong. I could never ask my parents for something they couldn't afford. I'm surprised that there are grown up 20 year olds that actually still do this. Getting what we want should mean we have a say in most aspects and that our parents should give us the freedom and trust us to organize and plan the wedding the way we want to. It doesn't mean asking them for a million dollars to spend on every single thing we want. Big difference.
I know if I left my parents to plan everything I probably wouldn't be happy with a lot of things. My parents are awesome and have great taste, but the wedding would be much more organized and nicer if I arranged everything with my fiance. I feel our generation knows what's in and what's not and we're more creative, organized, and can plan better than perhaps most of our parents can when it comes to a wedding these days. I know I'm definitely going to have the MAJORITY of the say in all wedding related aspects versus my parents. But at the same time, my parents trust my judgement and decisions enough to go with whatever I decide most of the time. MashAllah I'm blessed to have parents like that and I wish more parents backed off once in a while and actually trusted their kids more often. They would be surprised with how much we can accomplish without their conflicting input every step of the way. I guess I have a more dominating personality so I don't just agree to everything my mommy says, lol, but I definitely listen and try to respect most of my parents wishes. If I feel they're wrong or I have a different opinion I express it and try to get them to understand it. They do the same. Balance is the key. A lot of guys during weddings become silent lambs and let their parents or sisters take over everything which is a huge mistake. The guy needs to be involved and be the PRIME communicator to his fiance and her family, and vice-versa. The bride and groom need to be the main middle-men between both families, not siblings or parents! That may be off topic, but it's important!
For me personally only the close people in my life have a say, only there opinions matter to me. So my parents, grandparents, and certain aunties and uncles. Ive never planned a wedding before so would be naive to think I could do it alone.
Also if these people weren't happy with the day and events then ultimately I wouldnt be happy. So what would I have achieved?
