We are having issues and i am mentally disturbed; and cant seem to find any solution
My younger brother is highly educated, great job with great income, has his own house (partially on mortgage). My parents want him to get married within next year or so. Issue is Getting Rishtas.
He wants to marry in Pakistan, and we do have some land and a plot in islamabad but dont have any house other than our grand father’s house in which no one really lives.
Now my dad’s family wants him to marry one of few cousins ( they are greedy type people and dont want anyone out of the family to get free visa/his house etc etc). bro agree to one cousin who backed off after abt 3 years. now my uncles want him to marry either her (forcing her; as she is not getting any rishta) or some other. bro doesnt want to due to many reasons.
my uncles are pressuring dad through their mum (who emotionally blackmails dad; my dadi always have treated dad as step son, but dad loves his mum soo much).
now we are stuck in the middle. any rishta that my khala or mamoo brings, they reject with out any reason or tell rishta people that we dont have anything like property etc.
Dad will not accept any rishta without happiness of his brothers/mum. What do we do??/
Even though our relatives think we are great (all brothers relying and happy with each other); all brothers are backstabbers.
we did searched here for rishta’s here but not able to find any suitable.
In this kind of situation I'm not really sure whether it's wise to marry in Pakistan, unless your family can find a way to search for a Rishta there independently.
Your brother has to get married and spend the rest of his life with the girl. Don't force him to be miserable for the rest of his life.
I have found that it is best to cut of relationships with people who you cannot trust, even if they are close to you. In the short term there will be drama and emotional blackmail, but your family will be much happier in the long term.
Your brother should have the right to choose for his own life...what does your mother say about the behaviour of ur dadkeys? Can't she talk with your dad ?
In this kind of situation I'm not really sure whether it's wise to marry in Pakistan, unless your family can find a way to search for a Rishta there independently.
C*an not really find anyone on our own as we have not lived there for about 15 years plus mum has to rely on chachoos to go and meet someone. in rural woman cant really do on her own.*
Tell your brother to go find someone on his own before your parents force him to marry someone he doesn't want to.
what does your brother think about finding someone on his own and simply taking his future in his own hands?
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we tried searching here in aus but not able to find any suitable. plus bro is conservative type and wants to go back to marry. and my parents are happy in the sense that he will be having links to home country if he gets marry there (meaning will continuously visit with his future wife).
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Your brother has to get married and spend the rest of his life with the girl. Don't force him to be miserable for the rest of his life.I have found that it is best to cut of relationships with people who you cannot trust, even if they are close to you. In the short term there will be drama and emotional blackmail, but your family will be much happier in the long term.
Your brother should have the right to choose for his own life...what does your mother say about the behaviour of ur dadkeys? Can't she talk with your dad ?
Find rishta out of family. Dad family woud never approve rishta fron your mom family. Go out of family, problem sovled.
we are not forcing him, infact dad even asked him to find some one. but when dadi contacts dad thats when the issues start.
there is no one on mum's side to do rishta (all are engaged or married), but my mamoos are very social and do travel alot. and they referred some people, and even dad was happy as the families were religious and girls educated etc. but than chachoos come in again.
dadi cries to dad that his bro has many daughters, not financially well (this is a lie; gud business living in isb), its not easy to get girls married off, no gud rishta. if my bro gets married some outsider with take benefit of his lifestyle, money etc than why let our girls have that.
my mum is totally depressed. We dont call our chachoos anymore and only dad calls them. when dadi cries on phone with dad, dad gets upsets and than my parents end up having fight over this issue.
we do want some one out of family as there are too many cousin marriages in our family plus all cousins have reputation of their own; plus there is too much family politics now with too much cousin marriages.
^^ After reading all this I really think your brother should try to find someone in Australia. I'm sure there are conservative Pakistani families there too if that's what he is looking for. But marrying within your family in this kind of situation will really put your brother in a bad spot. It's a recipe for disaster and a lifetime of misery.
the biggest problem is that is there is anything happen in your brother future marriage then there will be fight against the all relatives
some goes to your site some goes to other site so it will distribute whole relative
so better leave it
C*an not really find anyone on our own as we have not lived there for about 15 years plus mum has to rely on chachoos to go and meet someone. in rural woman cant really do on her own.*
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we tried searching here in aus but not able to find any suitable. plus bro is conservative type and wants to go back to marry. and my parents are happy in the sense that he will be having links to home country if he gets marry there (meaning will continuously visit with his future wife).
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we are not forcing him, infact dad even asked him to find some one. but when dadi contacts dad thats when the issues start.
there is no one on mum's side to do rishta (all are engaged or married), but my mamoos are very social and do travel alot. and they referred some people, and even dad was happy as the families were religious and girls educated etc. but than chachoos come in again.
dadi cries to dad that his bro has many daughters, not financially well (this is a lie; gud business living in isb), its not easy to get girls married off, no gud rishta. **if my bro gets married some outsider with take benefit of his lifestyle, money **etc than why let our girls have that.
my mum is totally depressed. We dont call our chachoos anymore and only dad calls them. when dadi cries on phone with dad, dad gets upsets and than my parents end up having fight over this issue.
we do want some one out of family as there are too many cousin marriages in our family plus all cousins have reputation of their own; plus there is too much family politics now with too much cousin marriages.
This is outrageous. I'd never let my dad or anyone do this to me just so that a cousin can get a better lifestyle. It would be different if your brother felt like this on his own, but you dadial forcing their demands on him, uff.
Can't your mamoos or khalas back home look for someone. Doesn't have to be someone in the family as you said there are no single girls in your nanial.
If she had a tenth of the assumptions and stereotypes about people in the west, she’d be hung out to dry. But here we are egging her on.
So they are greedy people and yet your greedy cousin backed off from marrying your golden goose of a brother. All your dad’s brothers are fine with each other yet you have discovered, which your dad couldn’t in all these years, that they are back stabbers.
I think the issue is mother’s side of the family vs. father’s side of the family. The OP obviously thinks highly of her mother’s side but has a very low opinion of dad’s side.
Don't go to Pakistan, we did and regretted it bitterly. Tell your parents, that all the blood,sweat and tears of raising such a good guy and just to throw it away is a waste and insult to their efforts.
we dont want to be involved in politices, infact tweez and jadoo all is involved. we want to stay out of it and away from these issues. we (us, my brothers) have worked hard to be what they are today. when we were young and in pakistan, these chachoos used our dads income and sent their kids to great schools and lived gud life, ignored us and infact hated us. my elder brother was totally wild, no one to lead him, teach him. i can not for get those moments. now that we have achieved someone they are in love with us.
when we were kids, i was and sick and my mum had to take me to dr, leaving behind my elder and younger brother home with dadee and phuphoo as mum was travelling on public transport, after returning couldnt find my brothers any where. had to go through whole village to find them.
my tayajee, very rich, dad started him business and built his house, i was about 8 years old, went to their house in lhr, was sick. he was taking his daughter to dr, mum asked him if he could take me as well, he asked me wat i was feeling and i told him, he said to me that if i go to dr i would injections- meaning i shouldnt go.
i can still hear his words in my ears. how can these people love us now.
this is our point of view. you can not force. but chachoos think they can achieve this by force; they have done all the time but i dont want to let them this time. we are humans, have feelings and want to live our life. we visit them, give them money which they always need. thats it. it should stop there.
if my mamoos look for someone, chachoos reject straight away and create issue why are they looking. we are suppose to. any girls family they have to do back ground checks and meaning contacting our dada jee’s family.
my mother’s side of family has nothing to do. only when mum asks mamoo to look or refer someone thats when they do. or would just say this family with this background are looking, if we are interested, how we can contact them.
girl grew up with servants and it would be hard for her to adjust. she never does house work or anything. and my bro is very demanding food wise. they dont suit eachother. girl is pretty and getting gud education.
mum understand and dad does to an extent as well. but issue is when dadee cries on phone dad’s heart melts.
bro did talk to dad and dad said what ever you want we do, at the same time pressuring him.
now he is totally ignoring everyone on this issue and keeping quiet.
bro did talk to dad and dad said what ever you want we do, at the same time pressuring him.
now he is totally ignoring everyone on this issue and keeping quiet.
HmmmmMM, but what does your dad feel? Does he not see the manipulative behaviour of his sisters and rest of his family? Why would he want to push your son into that future when he himself is also in same pressure...
One girl from his family has already broken the relation, that shud be enough for him to say NO to any more of their drama...the solution is hard for such matter as its ur father involved, but your brother should say "i will get married to someone of my own choice, or not at all, if you want this then fine"...and give it some time and tell your brother to ACT upon it and see what your father says..
but how can your dads brothers and your grandmother have so much control over who YOUR brother marries? He is the son of your mother and father, not your grandmother or whoever? If a perspective and logical rishta actually came from your mothers end, then does your brother give them a chance? I understand he is conservative but is he willing to create an understanding with his future wife before agreeing to marry her, or is he asking for someone to just bring a girl in front of him and he have the choice to say yes or no? I guess I am a little confused.
and does he realize that there are admirable and respectable woman in the west too?? why do people think that just because a girl is from pakistan, she is more proper and religious than girls in western countries??? i have actually seen the opposite in many cases, girls from pakistan have good chances of being quite chalak, catty and demanding or hypocritical (not generalizing but just for example). conservativeness depends on someones upbringing and personal values. it has nothing to do with where they live. these days, people in the west seem to be more conservative than in pakistan. does your brother understand this??? he may bring in a upfront conservative wife, but what if she doesnt get a long with his mother? how will he handle THAT or similar possible events in his marriage by marrying someone in pak?
Sorry to hear that Roshni dear. I had same issues with my dadyal but yours seem more controlling. My dad still hasn't stopped giving money to his siblings but besides the money part, other issues have been resolved. I posted couple of years ago how my wedding was called-off due to these stupid relatives. Let me pm you.
