Issues Crept In

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I don’t know where to start really but need a few perspectives please.

My SIL rang me on my mobile phone a couple of days ago and since it is always on silent I missed it. She normally rings me for a number of reasons but normally very quick calls, like relaying a message from mum if my wife isnt there to tell me or if she cannot get through on home phone then rings my phone or maybe if the car doesn’t start etc.

Anyway I missed the call and typical me never bothered to get back to her which can happen. The following day she came over in the day and sat chatting to mum. There was my nephews appointment at school in the morning and I asked how it went and she replied sarcastically that ‘I’m not going to tell you, I rang you during the day and you still haven’t got back to me. At least have the courtesy to respond’ I smiled and asked whether she wanted a cup of tea and she stated no. Anyway end of that.

Now I have known my SIL for over 10 years and that has been our brother sister type of relationship. We all get on and just like siblings get annoyed my SIL’s and BIL’s get annoyed and it is the way we like it. I have been sarcastic loads of times with this SIL and the others too, it is part and parcel of our close bond.

Now my Mrs had a discussion with me which turned into a major disagreement. Firstly she didn’t like the way my SIL spoke to me and that it was rude, I said it was sarcastic. Either way she said it wasn’t right for her to talk to you like that with no respect. I said there is nothing wrong with her speaking to me sarcastically it’s not like she is a stranger. She didn’t like it and then said that I as the husband am suppose to live up to high standards but if i am happy with people disrespecting me then so shall I. I didn’t even answer this statement. I said to her that if I am happy with my relationship with someone, be that my SIL etc then leave it and you don’t need to be conerned but she wasn’t having any of it. Kept saying I got it all wrong etc

Second issue - We have been ill for a few days and have just got better a day or two ago. We came downstairs and I coughed in front of my mum and she asked how i was but didn’t ask my wife. Wife made a comment to me saying ‘thank you for asking’, later my mum also asked her whether the medicines were working but in my wifes eyes she has made an issue out of it that I am being asked how I am but she isn’t. I just got annoyed and stated that the ONLY reason mum asked me was because I coughed in her face.

I hear people on her who have major problems with their MIL but then I think that my mum doesn’t ask a question and it seems (to me) that my wife makes a mountain out of a molehill.

2

Are you seriously Allah mian ki gaey? All your problems are easy to solve... all you have to do is speak up. Can someone be this scared of their wife?

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Re: Issues Crept In

Your wife is creating issues. Nip it in the bud.

Encourage her to get involved with extra-curricular activities, hobbies, etc. so she doesn't have time to think about this trivial stuff.

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Re: Issues Crept In

Get her into designer lawn :p

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I did speak up. After months of not speaking up and finally having an open discussion about our issues I thought we were on the right track but I promised myself that I would resolve and deal with each issue and not just let it be and let her get her way. So this time and first issue since discussion I didn't agree at all with her, stated that the way me and my SIL or friends are should have no bearing on you whatsoever as my relationship with these people was the way it is before I got married and I was happy then and I am happy now. Didn't agree with me but I couldn't budge at all as that is my viewpoint and my family members interaction with me and not her. She stated I just defend my family and my answer was that if you look carefully there is nothing to defend, she didn't do anything wrong in your husbands eyes so why create an issue when there isn't one and regarding me defending I will always defend someone even if I do not know them because our religion tells us not to assume the worst and look at the good rather than the faults so I cannot have your viewpoint ever.

Regarding mum. What can I say. She treats my wife exactly like the rest of my family and I cannot expect any more.

I am trying my level best to get her involved in anything and everything to get her out the house as I do not want her to start creating issues that are not issues.

Only difference between now and before is that I speak to her right there and then and attempt to sort it out. No point in waiting around avoiding it.

The good that I noticed was the sulking and staying up in the bedroom etc didn't happen at all. After the long chat she pretty much figured and stated as such that she wasn't getting anywhere and gave up. I once again stated that I am more than happy with my relationship with my family and I don't need you bringing up an issue when I know there isn't one. The day after we were fine.

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Re: Issues Crept In

Do you know what you need to tell your wife? That she needs to pick and choose her battles and issues.

By constantly nitpicking about the smallest things, she's undermining her own credibility in your eyes, so much so that when she does have a legitimate grievance, you'll eventually be indifferent and say that it's more of the same and not a big deal.

Tell her she needs to be able to sort the wheat from the chaff, know what's important and work on focussing on positives about relationships, rather than negatives and perceived slights.

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sounds like your wife wants to have some sort of significance in your life....she is obviously insecure and doesn't feel to be a part of your family. I'm not saying that she isn't herself the cause of her own misery but she just may not be able to see how her problems are created by herself.

if you keep dismissing everything that she brings up you will get nowhere.
what harm would it have done if you told her that you understand that she did not appreciate how the SIL spoke to you and that you will have a chat with her about it?

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Okay I am going to play the devils advocate and say some stuff that you may not like. (cause I'm dheet like that)

Okay first issue about your SIL. I can't really blame your wife. Girls don't really like their husbands being disrespected by whomever. And no matter what kind of relationship you have with them, it does NOT make it right in her eyes.

[QUOTE]
if i am happy with people disrespecting me then so shall I. I didn't even answer this statement. I said to her that if I am happy with my relationship with someone, be that my SIL etc then leave it and you don't need to be conerned but she wasn't having any of it. Kept saying I got it all wrong etc
[/QUOTE]

See she's relatively new in the family. She might not understand your dynamics with the family. You should have made her understand. Not answering it wouldn't help. But also see it from her eyes. You just don't like people being rude/sarcastic to your spouse about something as little as not returning a phone call. Not saying your SIL is wrong given her relationship with you, but look at it from your wifes eyes.

Second issue about you guys being ill. Well you BOTH were ill, you BOTH came down together. Just because you coughed and she didn't doesn't mean she isn't shown some compassion. Come on it's common sense! Just once sentence "how are you beta?" would've sufficed for her. Even if you don't admit it, you mom wasn't really smart in just asking you knowing your wifes nature.

But said everything, I agree with Sehrysh that she needs to grow up and pick her battles more wisely.

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You don't seem to like your wifey very much.

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No I'm quite happythat you wrote this as naturally I want a different perspective, I could mostlikely be wrong.

We came togetherdown together the morning before and the question was asked by my mum to bothof us and we spent the day downstairs but the following morning when it'sexpected that you are fully recovered is when I coughed and mum asked, it was only a couple of minutes later thatshe then asked my Mrs how she was with the medicine and whether it hascompletely gone and that she needs to eat something rather than just liquidsnow. So in a way yes my mum did ask later than she asked me but she wentfurther in talking to her than me so I did not see a problem, if anything Ishould have kicked up a fuss and said she did not bother with me, being herson. I admit my mum was not smart but I can't expect her to behave exactly howmy Mrs wants, that is the problem and I do not really want to have a discussionwith my mum stating that but I might have to. I really didn't understand theseriousness of the issue and that it so had to be raised by the Mrs. I am notdefending my mum, she should have asked both of us but I understand why sheasked me because I coughed but either way to raise it as an issue I don't know.

Regarding my familydynamics she has been in enough gatherings (Dawaats/Khatams) where the wholefamily are there and she knows how we are with each other and have a rightlaugh etc. Regarding making her understand I seriously tried, I carried ontrying and then she said 'You're defending her' and stopped talking and thenfive minutes later the discussion started again and I tried to explain. Theonly time I didn't say anything (had enough in my head) was when she said shewill behave in that manner. When I explained to her I stated that I understandyour feelings but at the same time understand that people have differentrelationships with each other and that is my relationship with her. I alsoexplained that countless times I have been sarcastic with her, much more thanshe has with me. I even gave her an example of her BIL saying to her (my wife) when shestays over at her parents 'Why have you not gone home yet?, You're married andshouldn't be here' in front of me. That'sa comment but it is the relationship they share and I accept that but it didn'twork with her. She did also mention that because she is my SIL I shouldn't even have a laugh with her, it's not right.

We have been more than fine since the above happened and in a way it's in the past but it is something that was dwelling on my mind so I posted here.

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Did you cough in your wife’s face as well? See, now she’s gonna feel left out. :nahi:

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I think she's being wayyyyyyy too sensitive and really needs to choose her battles wisely

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I dont know man, you seem like a nice guy and everything, but you seem to justify EVERYONE ELSE'S actions EXCEPT for your wifes. NONE of your threads have I got the feeling that you really really appreciate your wife. Your a good man and I can see you want to keep the peace but your very biased in everything you write about her. What everyone else around you is doing is justified because of so and so, or this or that reason or "thats just the way it works in my home" and it almost seems as if you do not even acknowledge anything your wife tells you or says. Yes, your wife seems to be super sensitive about everything but YOU are the only person who can sit down and try to understand her to make her stop being so sensitive. We can't tell you much if your not even really willing to REALLY listen to her. I dont know thats the way its coming off to me.

My FIL pulls that kind of stuff all the time with us, petty dumb things. Where there are inlaws issues these dumb things happen in households but never once has my husband tried to justify it or make me feel bad for feeling bad. He trys to explain why things are the way they are and just tells me to ignore it to keep the peace and move on, and then we go and get dessert or something or a drive every night so we can have our time away from all of that. But thats all because of my husband, as he genuinly tries to keep the balance. Hes the only one that can because he knows his father and he knows me better than we know each other. He tried talking to his dad and I both so we can come to an understanding but when it didnt really work the first 30 times, we've moved on from that phase but I can definitely say if my husband had turned around and blamed me for every time there was an issue, we would not be doing as well as we are today. Like someone said, you sincerely do not seem to like your wife and for someone who married this girl out of his own choice and it was a love marriage, you seem to be having a really HARD time helping her adjust in your home and that's what makes things not fall into place in your threads. Are you seriously asking for advice over a cough? Tell your mom she should consider both of you now and tell your wife to get over it this time because you can't control others.

There is definitely something super off about this whole situation.
What is your wife usually doing when your online writing on here?

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Re: Issues Crept In

Your wife needs a shopping trip....

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Have her join GS.

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Najeeb, your begum seems immature. Good for her she has someone like you rather than some controlling bossy type of dude. She may even have been taking advantage of your easy going style until you decided to start addressing this stuff.

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Yup. As najz123.

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you guys sound perfect for each other. she's annoyed at tiny things. you post every tiny thing up here for advice from our experts who dont know your wife from a sack of potatoes.

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Brilliant. Hadn't looked at it this way. You are onto something.

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I feel bad for your wife. She feels like an outsider in your household. And she does not have you to back her up.

It is easy for folks to say she is insecure and needs to pick her battles. Who wouldn't be insecure in this situation? Other than exceptionally strong people? Even that strength is bound to break down when the spouse backs his family on EVERY issue.

Please be kind.