Issues Crept In

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Issues Crept In

Why should the husband back the wife up over silly trivial issues though? His wife makes an issue out of every little thing. She's made comments on the husband's mom, as previously mentioned by OP in his earlier posts. She doesn't want to mingle with husband's family, as she's stated herself. So she doesn't really want to be a part of his family; she herself isn't making ANY effort at all to include herself in his family. She seems to be like those Indian soap women who make a drama out of everything. This isn't the first time. And from what we've read (of course, we only know what we read), it seems Najeeb has tried to accommodate her but she hasn't fully accepted she's married now and her life/priorities have changed.

I know if I were to create silly issues out of nothing, my husband would get annoyed. Some people, especially men, can't like and can't stand stupid home politics. And this isn't even politics. There are women who actually face cruelty from their MIL. The wife is being a whiny little kid. And she needs to do something with her life instead of sitting at home and waiting for her husband - they say an empty mind is the devil's home. That's the wife's problem. But she isn't willing to help herself - she barely goes out, or is trying to find a job.

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Good Point Southie. Let us demonstrate a different perspective to Najeeb.

Najeeb, yes, bro, you...go over there and pick up that glass of water. Yes, you can say that it's half full or half empty, doesn't matter. It's a small glass with a little bit of water, quite light, right? Not much water, right...yup, it's just a little bit. go, keep on holding it in mid air. Don't let go. Not yet....keep on holding until I come back.

So everything is always fine. And alhamdulillah, this too has been worked through. So why are we discussing your life that has no issues? :D If nothing is wrong, people don't bring nothing up over and over again. And people don't leave their homes and run away if there was nothing wrong.

Keep holding that glass of water. Let's talk tomorrow.

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I do think some have a point here that maybe she needs more from you. Validation or some sort of understanding or even just knowing you're on her side. Any situation becomes better when you know you're not alone and your partner is with you.

I do agree with some posters that in your threads, it seems as if you're on your family's side and she's alone. She doesn't have anyone to understand her point even if it is a petty one according to you.

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The original poster's wife is a grown woman! not some 5 yr old trying to do silly things to get attention.

It is very ridiculous to continue to complain about the Bhabhi's attitude when the husband has explained clearly why the Bhabhi is the way she is. The wife should have dropped the issue then and there. I dont see why a husband has to support his wife when she is very clearly wrong... and to go on and say "if she can treat you like this then so can i"... wow! That is a very disrepectful thing to say.

As for the MIL... I still dont see the issue, she inquired about the wife's health later on didn't she? and that too in detail. Now if we start tallying who got asked how many times, and when tou phir ho gaya kaam.

OP: your wife is either being unnecessarily over sensitive, or she's deliberately trying to create drama.

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..

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Dude, you're wife is sticking up for you and instead of you appreciating her (which she wants all this time, judging from your previous posts) which you aren't doing, you're taking the other woman's side (SIL). No wonder your wife is pissed off. Man up, bro!

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Based on this and the OP's past threads...I never got the feeling that the OP "doesn't like his wife much." There are not many guys that post about their marriage...I imagine it might even be a bit awkward for him....so he has to care about her to even bother doing this. Considering her whims/nakhray/attitude...he's been pretty patient. She doesn't need to be coddled. As far as "not liking" is concerned....how much does a wife who stays for several days at her parents' home (considering they live only 20 mins away)...."like" her husband? She may very well be depressed and insecure. But it's one thing to encourage/praise her at times and wholly another to fuel the childishness. She wants people to show her consideration ...as in ask her how she's feeling....then running away in the middle of the night and upsetting your husband and in-laws and even your own parents...does not reflect consideration. If she wanted to leave...she could have done so during the daytime. If she feels like an outsider...then staying 5 days a week at her parents' home doesn't help with that problem.

Maybe MIL forgot to ask her how she's feeling. Sometimes people forget to even ask their parents/siblings. But then MIL went abive and beyond and asked in greater detail. Yeh bhi bahut bari baat hai....some MILs would be offended that they were called out on their mistake and become even more difficult. If she being an elder can be humble/flexible....so can the wife. There is more of a reason, I admit, to enquire after a person if they're sick.....but courtesy doesn't require illness. That said how often does she ask MIL how she's doing? Going by the OP's previous threads....she sees other people's slip-ups, but she seems to be oblivious to her own carelessness. If an MIL is going above and beyond in compensation for her mistake....I doubt she wants her DIL to feel like an "outsider" or has such schemes.

Najeeb, if you're going to come to GS to ask advice for every little "issue" (that may not even be an issue) that creeps into your marriage, you're going to receive many responses with conflicting advice and opinions....which can leave you more confused as you decide which is the right advice to follow. So, stop over-thinking and analyzing on GS......and use that time instead to communicate and bond with your wife. You decide what your expectations are, what your boundaries are and discuss/set them with her. You can acknowledge the angles your wife sees things from, but also try show her the other side to decrease the negativity.

.

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Women are scary..Thats all i can say..As man of the house---> believe in yourself and try to resolve these weird issues amicably..Tell your wife you dont want stupid annoying lullaby arguments and keep her cool..I am happy because i dont believe in marriage and am not interested in destroying my life..Thats why it is best to have an independent residence i.e your parents and family on the extreme edges of the world(though the world dosent have any)

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Great post RV. OP - disregard my posts. RV is making more sense.

My sincere apologies for making judgments about you. Will remove those portions. Good luck to you both.

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Najeeb, I read this somewhere and wanted to share with you (and anyone else who might be in a similar situation):

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s (rh) advice to his son on his wedding day:

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3, Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

  1. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5, Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

  1. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

  2. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

  3. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

  4. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

  5. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.

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Look bro, The glass is a metaphor for your home and the water is tension. You can easily lift 500 times the amount of water in a glass for a short time but if you hold 4 oz of water for a long time, you can get tired. Same with tension in a household.

We are just regular people with our own shortfalls and only are looking at your situation through the lenses you have provided so most people will think that you're wife is being childish, petty, etc but that's your perspective as well. Yes, we all need understanding and I know that this situation is difficult for you. You cannot understand her and she appears very petty to you "making mountains out of molehills" but the truth is that you and she come from different backgrounds and have different needs. That doesn't mean, one person is more correct or their needs are more important.

The thing about marriage is that it is difficult until you learn to truly live together. Your wife left her home and those who love her the most and is now living with not just one stranger but two in an environment that seems utterly differnent to say the least. She is not getting emotionally, whatever it is she needs to feel loved, secure, and safe.

Your SIL has been in your family for 10 years and she is very comfortable with your Mom, you, and the rest of the family. And she may have been like that from the beginning. Everyone has different needs.

Talks are good but follow them up with actions. Do something nice for your wife on a consistent basis. Something to invest your future. You can do a weekend getaway once a quarter or you can sit with her and watch her favorite show every evening or do dikr with her or read a book every night for 10 minutes on how to understand each other better.

Remember, consistency and keep remembering that she's the love of your life and your humsafar (your travel partner in this journey).

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"Woman is like a captive with you therefore have mercy on her."

Really.

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Wah wah! Kya Baat hai. So much wisdom in your post.

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^ this!

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On your way home from work, buy your wife some flowers/flowering plant (which ever she prefers).

Start planning for a special date with her for next weekend. Just dinner, dinner & a play/movie/etc. And take special care to look nice for her. She'll have something to look forward to for the weekend and instead of going to her parents house.

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Najeeb, how are things now? I hope everything is well on your end. I found something else that I wanted to share:

To make your wife feel love for you from the bottom of her heart. Here are 60 islamic guaranteed ways for real couples making love:

1 Make her feel secure; (sakina- tranquillity) QUIT BEING AGGRESSIVE.
2 When you go home say 'Assalmualikum. ' (Greetings) It kicks the shaitaan out of your home!
3 Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) described the wife as a fragile vessel and said to take care of this vessel that’s fragile. Remember that there is goodness in this vessel so treat it gently.
4 When you advise her, do so in privacy, in a peaceful environment. NOT IN PUBLIC as it’s a type of slandering.
5 Be generous to your wife- it keeps her LOVED
6 Move and let her have your seat. It will warm her heart.
7 AVIOD ANGER. HOW? Keep your wudu at all times. Prophet Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam said if you are angry, sit down, if you’re sitting, then lie down. Follow the sunnah!
8 Look good and smell great for your wife. IT keeps the LOVE!
9 Don’t be rigid. It will break you. Prophet Mohammed - Sallal lahu Aleihi Wasallam (SAW means “May the blessings and the peace of Allah be upon him” (Muhammad).) said 'I am the best amongst you and I am the best to my wife'. Being rigid and harsh will not bring you close to Allah and neither does it make you more of a man.
10 Listen to your wife-BE a GOOD LISTENER
11 YES to flattering NO to arguing. Arguing is like poison in a marriage. Al zawai said 'When Allah (swt) wants evil for people He will leave them to argue amongst themselves'.
12 Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said to call your wives with the best name, any name she loves to hear. Prophet Mohammed (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) called Khadija 'Ya Khadija' as an endearment.
13 Give her a pleasant surprise. I.e. if she loves watermelon, bring her one out of the blue. It will grow the love in her heart.
14 Preserve your tongue! Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said the tongue will throw people in the hell fire so watch what you say and how you say it!
15 All of us have shortcoming. Accept her shortcoming and Allah (swt) will put barakh in your marriage.
16 TELL her you appreciate her. SHOW her you appreciate her.
17 Encourage her to keep good relation with her relative, her mum and dad etc.
18 Speak with her with a topic of HER interest.
19 In front of her relative praise her. Confirm/ realize that she is wonderful, and that she is a good person in front of her family.
20 Give each other gifts. You will love each other more. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said gifts increases love.
21 Get rid of the routine once in a while, surprise her with something, it will get rid of the rust and polish it!
22 Husnul zaan- We have a demand from Allah (swt) that we have to think good of people. Think good of your spouse.
23 Ignore some of her mistakes- pretend you did not see/hear some of her small mistakes. It was a practise of Ali (RA). It’s like putting a hole in your memory. Don’t save it in your memory!
24 Increase the drops of patience, especially when she is pregnant or when she is on her monthly period.
25 Expect and respect her jealousy. Even Maulatona Khadija (ra) used to get jealous.
26 Be humble. If your profession is good, respect that she is looking after your children, she is much more than you, she is the leader at home, her strength is your strength, and her success is your successes.
27 Don't put your friends above your wife.
28 Help your wife at home. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) used to help his wives at home and he was the best of creation. He used to sew his own clothes.
29 Help her respect your parents, you can’t force her to love them, but she can be helped to gradually love them.
30 Show your wife she is the ideal wife.
31 Remember your wife in your duaas. It will increase the love and protect it.
32 Leave the past. It brings nothing but pain and grief. It’s not your business. The past is for Allah (swt).
33 Don't try to show her that you are doing her a favour by doing something, like buying food for the house, because in reality we are the courier of sustenance, not the providers, as Allah is the provider. It’s also a way of being humble and thankful to Allah (swt)
34 Shaitaan is your enemy, not your wife. Sometime when husband and wife are talking a fight breaks out, then shaitaan is present there as a third person so he is the real enemy. It is not enough to hate the shaitaan, but you have to see him as an enemy as Allah has commanded. Shaitaan loves divorce. HE comes everyday and sits office and asks the devils what they have done, some say i have made a person steal, or i have made someone drink etc. And one devil will say i have made a man divorce his wife, and he is crowned as the one who has done the best job.
35 Take the food and put it in her mouth. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) taught us this. It’s a blessing. The food doesn’t just go to her stomach, but straight to her heart. It increases the love and mercy between you.
36 Protect your wife from the evil of *the shaitaan and mankind. She is like a precious pearl that needs protecting from the envy of **human devils and *aan*.
37 Show her your smile. Smile at your wife. IT’S A CHARITY.
38 Small problems/ challenges can become a big problem. Or if there is small thing she didn't like and you keep repeating them anyway, it will create a wall between you. Don’t ignore them as it can become big.
39 Avoid being harsh hearted and moody. Allah said of prophet (saw) 'if you were harsh hearted they (the companions) would have left you.' It confirms prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) was not harsh hearted, so GET RID OF IT.
40 Respect her thinking. It’s strength for you. Show you like her thoughts and suggestions.
41 Help her to achieve her potential and help her to dig and find success within as her success is your success.
42 Respect the intimate relationship and its boundaries. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said she is like a fragile vessel and she needs to be treated tenderly. Sometime she may not be feeling well; you must respect and appreciate that feeling.
43 Help her to take care of the children. Some men think it makes them appear less of a man but in fact it makes you appear a bigger man and more respected, especially in the sight of Allah (swt).
44 Use the gifts of the tongue and sweet talk her. Tell her she looks great, be an artist. Pick and choose gifts of the tongue.
45 Sit down and eat with her and share food with her.
46 Let her know you are travelling. Don't tell her out of the blue as it’s against Islam. Tell her the date/ time of when you are coming back also.
47 Don't leave the house as soon as trouble brews.
48 **The house has privacy and secrecy. Once you take this privacy and secrecy to your friends and family you are in danger of putting a serious hole in your marriage.* This secrecy stays home. Islam is against leaving them out like a garage sale for anyone to come and pick and choose.
49 Encourage each other for ibadah, i.e. plan a trip for hajj or umrah together. It increases and strengthens the love when you help each other perform a good deeds together i.e, do tahajuud together,or go to a dars together etc.
50 Know her rights, not only written in paper but engraved in your heart and engraved in your conscious.
51 Allah( swt) said 'live with your wives in kindness.' Treat them with kindness and goodness. It means in happy times and in sadness treat her with goodness and fairness.
52 Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) showed that at the time of intimacy. Don’t jump on your wife like an animal!
53 When you have a dispute with your wife don’t tell everyone. It’s like leaving your wounds open to germs so be careful who you share your problems and disputes with.
54 Show your wife you really care for her health. Good health of your wife is your good health. To care for her health shows her that you love her.
55 Don’t think you are always right. No matter how good you are you have shortcomings. You are not perfect as the only one who was perfect in character was prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam). Get rid of this disease.
56 Share your problems, your happiness, and your sadness with her.
57 Have mercy on her weakness. Have mercy when she is weak or strong as she is the fragile vessel. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said that your wife is a trust in your hand.
58 Remember you are her strength, someone to lean on in times of hardship.
59 Accept her as she is. Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said that women are created from the rib which is bent. If you try to straighten her you will break her (divorce). Prophet (Sallal lahu alaihy Wasallam) said that you may dislike one habit in her but you will like another manner in her so accept her as she is.
60 Have good intention for your wife all the time, Allah monitors your intention and your heart at all times. Allah (s.w.t) said Among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.

May Allah fill our homes and heart with tranquillity, love and Mercy. AMEEN

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Yes

will surely work

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Madz,
These are brilliant. In fact, Imam Ahmad's letter was brilliant filled with concepts that modern pschology adopted a thousand years later!

Ameen to your dua. May Allah fill our homes and hearts with tranquility, love, and Mercy.

Najeeb has disappeared from the shadows of meddlesome women and spending time with his dil ruba! ;)