Issue with fiance..

[lady_lama]

@FairyTale

Mentality difference…

Next time he says he will leave you, tell him do that if he calls himself a man.

Some guys take advantage of you. I came across one like that in my life. I mere told him that I could not marry him coz I do not feel for him the way I should and the way he feels for me. And believe me he hung up the phone saying he is going to shoot himself rite now. He not only hung up the phone but switched it off too. And I got sooooooooo worried and scared coz i thot he would really shoot himself. After an hour he switched on his cell but for first few calls he didnt pick up though it was ringing ( i thot he has died already ) But then suddenly he answered (must have thought enough of scaring the poor gal). I started apologizing n crying non stop. I mean i really thot he would kill himself and how could i have made myself responsible for someone’s death??? He told me he was having a fully loaded pistol rite infront of him… arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… now i m thinking what a fool I was. If today anyone say something like that to me, I swear I will break his nose with my bare hands. That whole nite. 5-6 hrs, i was continuously crying on phone and opologizing for nothing. I just told him the truth that I did not have any feelings for him …

so thats how sometimes these guys take advantage of you. He too never ever listened to me though he was always wrong. He wanted to achieve his targets in life at any cost, by hook or crook. He knew all the illegal ways of getting things done. And I would object on that. That was the main reason I could not get along with him. I am fair person and i want a fair person for me. He even told me to do Nikaah without telling our families. Later we will tell at home n families will have no choice but to accept our marriage… it was the toughest phase in my life when i wanted to run from him and he was chasing me like a … whatever i dont use bad words.

Sorry i started my story here but beauty i dont know but your post reminded of that person. Coz I were in the same situation. Answering and giving explanation to him for every lil thing n he would get upset anway… small things would be a big issue…like Him: why are you in market at 9pm ??? Me: I had to pick up some grocerry, could not go earlier, came late from office etc. … Him: I guess you like to stay out at night. How many times I need to tell you not to go out after 7pm, i do not like it and you need to change urself. <<<<<< thats how he would treat me knowing very well that i was not the type of person who loves to do party outside all the time. I could nt make a signle friend here in 6 yrs. Still all that from him when we were not even engaged. I was not in Pak that i would understand his concern that its not good or kind of risky to stay out late evening. Here where I stay, there is alhamdulillah no such probs. I can say without any fear that UAE is one of the most safest places in world. There is no prob for a single gal to live here peacefully. No one can dare talk to you if you do not want to talk. I could not take that all with him and with greatttttttttttttt difficulty, we broke up at last ..

Oh and beauty i am not telling you to break up , its pure your decision and your situation must be very different from mine. May be ur fiance is more sensible. I was just telling about my experience

GOD while i was reading ur story i felt like i was reading my own except i got rid of him asap!!! He told me to do nikah with him w/o our families knowing and he would ocnstantly ring me an if i dint answer he’d shout so badly down the phone… I knew him as a friend b4 but the whole relationship thing only lasted about 2 months. When he approached me he approached me with the marriage only card and i was like wow! thats the only reason i ever gave him a go coz personally i dont get into bf gf relationships. For me he was more of a fiance, i had told my parents about him str8 away aswell and they wernt happy… another reason y i ended it.

Alhamdulilah… at that time it was so hard but now i look at it, Allah works im amazing ways coz now i have an amazing fiance (a proper one not like him)

If your guy is able to understand your situation and change from there then u shud try and give it a go if not then im afraid you may b stuck in a horrible one way relationship forever, so its totally your choice on how u handle him and the situation!!

Good Luck

[beautyqueen1]

@Afro-Sheen

Call his bluff. If you want to talk, and he is not mature enough to handle and says he will break it off…tell him “fine”. See what happens. He is not ready for marriage. What exactly DO YOU see in him, in this love marriage deal? Communication is a key aspect in any relationship…if your not allowed to communicate how you feel…then what??

I see !

[Straight_up]

Re: Issue with fiance..

LOL. Yeah, let's all watch Pakistani dramas to understand her fiance's psychology.

beautyqueen, it sucks when you can't speak your mind, it suffocates you. This is entirely upto you - either you speak your mind, he yells, you deal with it. Or you keep quiet and become :( and he continues thinking nothing is wrong. Your choice.

[Sara516]

Re: Issue with fiance..

Seriously woman, dump this guy. Anyone who treats you like such crap before getting married, is truly not worth the trouble.

i’m really sick of reading all these stories about girls stuck wiht lousy fiances and monster in-laws-to-be. it’s one thing to be unhappy and treated badly after the marriage…but if this scum treats you like …well…scum even before you’re legally bound together…and you STILL decide to spend the rest of your life with him… well then I guess ure both made for each other…he will treat u like dirt and u will let him. perfect union :k:

[sadzzz]

Re: Issue with fiance..

firstly, what are the issues you have with the guy? are they something he can fix or something that could be work in progress?

are they that bad to break a relationship over?

if they are such that u think u cant see yourself dealing with after a marriage, then say it as it is. Otherwise, weigh out how bad these issues are (if at all) and take it from there.

Maybe, its the way you're talknig to him that's making him aggitated?

[Iggle]

Re: Issue with fiance..

^ That could be a possibility!

[Reha]

Re: Issue with fiance..

We want men who will treat us well...and somehow we end up allowing men to treat us like this.

Relationships are TWO way streets...never one way. The one way streets are always unhappy marriages with unhappy people stuck in them.

If you say something to him, he should LISTEN and the same goes for you. He should NOT automatically take the offensive because he believes in his mind that he is God and can do no wrong. It doesnt work that way in real life. He cannot YELL at you, he cannot RULE over you, etc because a REAL man doesnt need to bellow and thump his chest in order to reinforce his masculinity. He doesnt have the right to push you around...you're allowing him to do it...it is your fault.

It could be your approach, your attitude, your demeanor when you're speaking to him, your views that clash with his, etc. OR it could be your blind love that is making you stick with a guy that sounds like he doesnt deserve you.

[Mehnaz]

@PSquared

It could be your approach, your attitude, your demeanor when you're speaking to him, your views that clash with his, etc. OR it could be your blind love that is making you stick with a guy that sounds like he doesnt deserve you.

If he has a problem with all of these, your approach, your attitude, your demeanour, when you're speaking with him, or even when not speaking to him, then he should not marry you and you should not marry him. You can try and bend, twist and mold your personality into a version he sees acceptable. You know what? He still won't accept you. You will still be mistreated and emotionally/mentally abused. Trust me.

For the girls who ran far away when their partners faked suicide, good for you. You girls are brave.

Faking suicide is emotional terrorism at its finest. It's also a HUGE RED WARNING SIGN. Stay away from these kinds of men. Believe me, you will regret it if you don't.

[lady_lama]

Re: Issue with fiance..

For the girls who ran far away when their partners faked suicide, good for you. You girls are brave

:k: :k:

[beautyqueen1]

Re: Issue with fiance..

Since,by being with him, i don't have the choice of speaking my mind, or speak about something which bothers me, then should I go ahead, and call this engagement off ? :(

[SargeCandy]

Re: Issue with fiance..

ur a woman,u cant win over ur guy ? :( use ur charms.

If u love the guy,dont ditch him,there are ways to make people listen to u and realize ur importance.

[beautyqueen1]

@SargeCandy

ur a woman,u cant win over ur guy ? :( use ur charms.

If u love the guy,dont ditch him,there are ways to make people listen to u and realize ur importance.

Like how ?

[SargeCandy]

@beautyqueen1

Like how ?

Atleast there is 1 day a week the guy is in good mood that he can bear ur talk.u have to see in which way should u talk that he feels comfortable listening to u.try and tell him first that u need to discuss something that very important to urself and that it would be nice of him if he listens with concern and gives an advice in the end and that u look forward to telling him coz u think he can solve ur problem only....try it this way.

[beautyqueen1]

Re: Issue with fiance..

[SargeCandy]

@beautyqueen1

dont just stand and think…make ur move…

[beautyqueen1]

Re: Issue with fiance..

^ But he isn't willing to speak with me right now, what should i do? :(

[SargeCandy]

Re: Issue with fiance..

ask him when will he be able to speak to u if not right now.

[Iggle]

Re: Issue with fiance..

If he has stopped talking to you, doesn't this show you how childish he is?!

[Mabrook]

@SargeCandy

Atleast there is 1 day a week the guy is in good mood that he can bear ur talk.u have to see in which way should u talk that he feels comfortable listening to u.try and tell him first that u need to discuss something that very important to urself and that it would be nice of him if he listens with concern and gives an advice in the end and that u look forward to telling him coz u think he can solve ur problem only....try it this way.

this doesn't seem very practical. if a guy is so hyper n hav temper tantraums on asking petty questions then a girl should not waste her life in finding that ONE day when he's in good mood. If a girl has that much patience to treat a physco then only she should go ahead n marry him.

beaytyqueen ignore him fully for now. if he calls himself ok if not giv him a week n then decide to move on. he's not worth u. if he calls u within a week tell him straight that as a partner u hav every right to ask him anything abt him n his activities n if that bothers him it means he lacks self confidence n needs to hide his motives from u. if he says he wants to break off say may b thats best for us both. lets do it right now. good bye.
put his ring in an envelope n mail him.

[redvelvet]

Re: Issue with fiance..

Hi BeautyQueen,

You came to the Life and Relationships Forum with the hope of getting reasonable advice. Sometimes you don't want to agree with people's advice because it goes against your personal wishes. BUT...After reading ALL the responses that you get......you have to reflect over the advice that MAJORITY of the people are giving you.

If people are CONSTANTLY nagging you or criticizing you........you will get defensive and turned off. If someone always complained about your negative qualities.........you would be upset too......especially if the NEVER focused on the positive things. Perhaps the way that you talk to your fiance is irritating him.

When you talk to ANYONE about their negative qualities.......start of the discussion by mentioning the person's good and positive points. And then try discussing your concerns using "I" messages. When you make comments like "You did this" "Why can You do that" "Why are You so"........the person get's defensive and things get messy. So, reflect over the way that you are communicating with others because maybe a change is needed.

In my personal opinion........you should reconsider if you still want to marry this guy because he sounds VERY immature. It is easier to break an engagement that it is to break a marriage. Think about this. You are not even married yet..........and he's already giving threats of "breaking off everything" with you. So what will he do when you both get married? If he's already losing control of his tongue.........what if he threatens you with **divorce **you in the future? He ONLY needs to make the threat of divorce THREE times to end things.

And do yo REALLY want to live through the mental stress of someone making threats to you all the time? This is not love, BeautyQueen. A guy who loves you would have more respect for you. The question is........DO YOU HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AS A WOMAN? If you do, then you shouldn't be putting up with this juvenile behavior.

Why does he keep giving you threats? I'll tell you why. He does this as a way of controlling you. He thinks that if he makes these threats.......he can get you to do whatever he wants. That's not healthy and life is too short to deal with this on a regular basis.

It is foolish of him to say "Why did you ask me that question?." As his soon-to-be-wife..........you have the right to ask him any question about his actions especially if they might be jeopardizing the relationship. If he wasn't flirting with this girl......then he shouldn't have gotten angry. He should have been calm and open about what he was doing. The fact that he got angry could possibly indicate a guilty conscience on his part.

If this immature/selfish/controlling/pathetic behavior has been taking place for a long time........please end the rishta while you still have time.

*On the other hand.......if you STILL want to marry this guy........then you need to
*
1) Communicate the positive points and not just the negative.

2) Tell him that a marriage can't take place without open and mutual communication and it's unfair of him to prevent you from talking about your concerns while allowing himself the liberty to do so. Tell him that in the future he needs to give the other person a chance to discuss their points because that shows respect.

^ Although if this is not making a difference on him.......don't stick around.