Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
What kind of izzat is he trying to make on in-laws money/gift, no self respect? Yet he keeps insulting those very in-laws.
You aren't done with rukhsati yet and he is worried about what you will get at first kid's birth?
And I don't know what he will do after rukhsati to make you understand that he was right!! Honestly, prepare yourself for stuff like this in your life ahead. Good luck.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
RUN!!!!!
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Ugh. You're just 20. I have no idea why your parents said yes. It's the old maid syndrome that makes even sensible parents lose their minds.
Most teenage girls go through depressive thoughts and by the time they hit their 20s they start feeling comfortable with themselves. That's why it's better to gauge a guy when you're out of the teenage zombie zone. You have met a wider variety of people and know better.
Just know that you're in the right here and even though you're way younger you have your morals and values set right than him. I mean his izzat goes where when he's begging for money from other people rather than thinking that me and my qualified wife could make a great financial life together. I could never respect a begger.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
And dude don't let him tell you Pakistan main aisa hota tha. Asking for Jahez is still a massive no, no. I know of three weddings put off AFTER the cards were sent off. When people asked why they were told Jahez ka masla tha and no one questioned the decision (although I'm sure people gossiped about it but daughter's future>>>>> izzat). Mashallah all girls are well settled now with better husbands.
So, nope Pakistani mentality has moved on (at least those who want to). No one with an ounce of class is going to ask someone kay kitna Jahez mila. If someone started bragging about Jahez then people will look disgusted. One of my recently married cousins didnt even have a bedroom set going with her because her inlaws refused (even though her older sister got a car) so don't buy any excuses for a second. There isn't a mythical reason you'll understand after your ruksati.
You are a strong, talented girl. You don't need this kind of BS.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
What? Now he has started talking about getting things from your parents on your kid's birth?
From where does he belong where people respects guys and their families for getting stuff from in-laws?? frankly speaking these people are termed as "Lalchi","Nadeeday" 'Kaminey" who thrive on girls parents money and stuff. All this thing of IZZAT is just a made up drama by him to keep on squeezing more and more stuff from your family.
you still have time, pls reconsider your decision.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
RUN
When I was married I had no job, no car, my Fil wanted to give me a new car, but my ghairat and izzat did not let me take a gift from il's.
He he has already used you get to US, now he is trying to milk as much out of you as pos, are you sure he even loves you? Are you sure he won't leave you after getting as much from as he can? Why a car in Pak? This is fishy, coz of he he leaves you, and the car is in U.S, he will not get it but if in Pak he will be able to keep it.
Talk to to your parents about the whole thing, ask other people about this family, are they really izzat wale loug or kameen.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
I'm feeling *really really *depressed right now. I haven't felt this depressed since before I met my husband. He made my life turn around and he made me so happy. I had thought that now that I have met my *one, *I will never have to feel this awful again. I have had an inferiority complex for a large portion of my life. I always felt like my life was not as good as the lives of others and that everyone else was so much luckier than me. After meeting him though I realized how lucky I am in my life. I have parents who provide for me, an education, and as many opportunities to succeed in life as I want. He made me feel beautiful and special and lucky.
Today we got into an argument again. He told me that since my parents did not give my sister jahez or stuff on the birth of her kids, I will not get anything from them either. He said to me that people made fun of him and say that his inlaws will not even give him a "tootie hui saikle" (broken bike. I told him why dont you fight with those people. He said that he feels ashamed because he agrees with those people. He says he feels lucky that he has me, a wife he loves, but he feels ashamed to have inlaws like my parents.
I was like you should have broken those peoples mouths in for daring to say something so bad about your inlaws. I tried to explain to him that my parents gave him the opportunity to come to America, which will have much more longterm financial benefit to him than if my parents gave me a whole lot of jahez. He said everytime he says something he gets the answer well they brought you to America. He says its not like they sold their daughter, that he should be grateful to come to the US. He says that "tumhara dimaak khraab hua hai". That I will understand after our Ruksati that he was right.
I feel very bad right now, like my parents werent good enough for my husband and therefore Im not good enough. Im feeling very very depressed, I just want to cry all day
He is moving to the US and yet wants your parents to purchase a car for him back home???
I really don't understand how you actually sit and listen to such verbal diarrhoea from your husband against your own parents and it is all to do with his greed for money and material wealth. I got married to a lady I wanted to get married to and my in-laws gave me one gift after the wedding which was a watch, I tried to refuse this gift but I was essentially forced to accept. I have been married for for over 2 years and I have never expected anything and neither do I want anything. How can you give time to somebody who clearly has no respect for your parents and is trying to milk you dry.
Whenever financial conversations come up you need to be firm and state that both of you will not get anything from your parents once he comes to the US. Nothing should be expected, if anything you need to mention to him that since they are your parents you will provide for them just as they have provided for you since your birth.
After going over your posts it would seem you know the truth but do not want to admit it. Your husband is not good enough for anyone and you and your parents are far better than him
You need to let him know that you, your parents and America are not good enough for him and you have decided that the best place he should be is where he currently resides, which would seem to be the the home of Jahiliyyat.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Really sorry that you're facing this situation. I know of way too many stories where the guy and his family stir drama over financial issues, and unfortunately none of those stories end well. The only time it is sort of tolerable is if the guy has a different thinking than his parents. But in your case, he clearly agreed with everything being said and he is right at the forefront fighting with you over these things.
Major red flag!!! Like many other posters have advised you, tread very carefully. It's not too late to back out. Yes, it will be difficult but know that it'll be far worse if you go ahead with the rukhsati. Have you ever heard others say that they wish they knew beforehand what they were getting themselves into? Well, Allah is giving you signs. It's up to you to do something about them.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Ugh. You're just 20. I have no idea why your parents said yes. It's the old maid syndrome that makes even sensible parents lose their minds.
Most teenage girls go through depressive thoughts and by the time they hit their 20s they start feeling comfortable with themselves. That's why it's better to gauge a guy when you're out of the teenage zombie zone. You have met a wider variety of people and know better.
Just know that you're in the right here and even though you're way younger you have your morals and values set right than him. I mean his izzat goes where when he's begging for money from other people rather than thinking that me and my qualified wife could make a great financial life together. I could never respect a begger.
And dude don't let him tell you Pakistan main aisa hota tha. Asking for Jahez is still a massive no, no. I know of three weddings put off AFTER the cards were sent off. When people asked why they were told Jahez ka masla tha and no one questioned the decision (although I'm sure people gossiped about it but daughter's future>>>>> izzat). Mashallah all girls are well settled now with better husbands.
So, nope Pakistani mentality has moved on (at least those who want to). No one with an ounce of class is going to ask someone kay kitna Jahez mila. If someone started bragging about Jahez then people will look disgusted. One of my recently married cousins didnt even have a bedroom set going with her because her inlaws refused (even though her older sister got a car) so don't buy any excuses for a second. There isn't a mythical reason you'll understand after your ruksati.
You are a strong, talented girl. You don't need this kind of BS.
THIS and THIS!!
OP.....Please don't fall into this crap of "Pakistani Culture" and "that's how it's done here". That's not how it's done by anybody with an ounce of class. My nana called off my khala's wedding (AFTER the cards had been distributed) because the groom and his parents started in on jahez demands....and this was back in 1982.
You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you go through with this ruhksati. It's not too late to cut your losses and move on.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Hey all, I feel very fustrated right now. Some background- I have been nikkah-ified for about 3 years now with our Ruksati being planned for this December. There are many reasons why we havent been ruksati-ed yet but thats another story. So, as the days of the Ruksati get nearer and nearer I have been getting into more arguments over the issue of Jahez with my husband. He (and his family) have been acting really passive aggressive about jahez. If you ask them "Do you want jahez?" They will be like "no, we have enough to live without it". But then they will make comments to me about my parents like "Apni beti ko kuch deh bhi nhi saktay" etc. Now, there is an issue with the car that is "expected" in jahez. My parents want to buy me a car here (in the US). I can drive and would use the car to get back and forth to and from college. My husband has been arguing with me that he wants them to give a car in Pakistan. I said their daughter is here who would use it there. He says that his oldest brother (who lives there) would use it. That he (the brother) is not separate from us. Also, we would use it when we go (probably 1 week every couple of years). Apparently, this will make izzat for his family there if my parents give a car. They dont really say much about this to my parents directly just to me. and only he says it to me. My parents were thinking of getting the car financed under mine and my mothers name (I dont have credit, she doesnt drive so they would need both). My husband says that there just trying to put one more loan under my name (other being my college loans). So, today I talked to my mom and I told her dont get a car right now (for here or there). Just say we are thinking of getting it when we get back from Pakistan. I then told my husband that well they wont get a loan they are thinking of getting it after pakistan, when they have tax returns money. He says who gives a car months after the wedding, whats the point then. I was like you guys (his family) didnt give their daughter a car until her first child was born. He says I dont take his side, that I should always support him. I was like I cant fight with my parents over this. I dont want the families to fight causing yet another delay in the Ruksati. I really do love him and believe he loves me. I dont understand why he is making such a big issue over a stupid car. Can you help me understand his point-of-view?
He may be many things but loving you ain't one of them.
How this type of coercion is acceptable is a surprise. What won't be a surprise is if you find out after the marriage that he is not what you thought he was but by then it will be too late, no offence.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Hey all, I feel very fustrated right now. Some background- I have been nikkah-ified for about 3 years now with our Ruksati being planned for this December. There are many reasons why we havent been ruksati-ed yet but thats another story. So, as the days of the Ruksati get nearer and nearer I have been getting into more arguments over the issue of Jahez with my husband. He (and his family) have been acting really passive aggressive about jahez. If you ask them "Do you want jahez?" They will be like "no, we have enough to live without it". But then they will make comments to me about my parents like "Apni beti ko kuch deh bhi nhi saktay" etc. Now, there is an issue with the car that is "expected" in jahez. My parents want to buy me a car here (in the US). I can drive and would use the car to get back and forth to and from college. My husband has been arguing with me that he wants them to give a car in Pakistan. I said their daughter is here who would use it there. He says that his oldest brother (who lives there) would use it. That he (the brother) is not separate from us. Also, we would use it when we go (probably 1 week every couple of years). Apparently, this will make izzat for his family there if my parents give a car. They dont really say much about this to my parents directly just to me. and only he says it to me. My parents were thinking of getting the car financed under mine and my mothers name (I dont have credit, she doesnt drive so they would need both). My husband says that there just trying to put one more loan under my name (other being my college loans). So, today I talked to my mom and I told her dont get a car right now (for here or there). Just say we are thinking of getting it when we get back from Pakistan. I then told my husband that well they wont get a loan they are thinking of getting it after pakistan, when they have tax returns money. He says who gives a car months after the wedding, whats the point then. I was like you guys (his family) didnt give their daughter a car until her first child was born. He says I dont take his side, that I should always support him. I was like I cant fight with my parents over this. I dont want the families to fight causing yet another delay in the Ruksati. I really do love him and believe he loves me. I dont understand why he is making such a big issue over a stupid car. Can you help me understand his point-of-view?
Doubt anyone can.
He is completely in the wrong about all of this.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
1) He's milking you and emotionally blackmailing you in every possible way to get whatever he can out of this marriage BEFORE the Rukhsati. Because afterwards, asking will be harder...no other reason.
2) His plan is for you to buy a car in Pakistan so they can sell it and get money out of it eventually.
3) You and your parents are nothing more than a cash cow for this loser of a man you're planning on marrying.
4) If you think you have low self-esteem NOW, just wait until you're married. Because it will get worse when you see other women who are safe and secure with their husbands while you are destined to become his walking ATM.
5) I don't care what your issues are...you have no right to make your parents bow down to your husband and use them this way. Your husband has NO RIGHT to ask for a dime. If he was offered a penny, he should have refused because that's what a MAN does. A little boy demands. A MAN doesn't need anything from anyone.
6) Next time your husband asks you for a car and says he feels ashamed in front of his friends (like a little child) tell him your parents said ke mard ke bachay apni bivi ke maan baap se mangne se pehle doob ke marna pasand karte hein.
Jahaiz is a lanat and if your parents actively contribute to it...they are equally at fault because they're encouraging this practice. You're also a part of this issue because you're choosing to take jahaiz with you. As for you not being able to afford things and being a poor college student...well...such is life.
One last thing...marriage is not about starting your life living the dream. Its about WORKING HARD TO CREATE A DREAM. Meaning, the initial few years you will have that will be full of financial struggles are also a part of marriage. NO ONE is supposed to make life easy for you - that's your job and your problem. You thinking and showing your husband that your parents are some sort of source of help is stupid.
You being 20 or 30 means nothing. If you're old enough to want to get married - then you're old enough to solve your own issues. Grow up, tell your husband to stop acting like a girl and solve your own issues. Your parents are not your babysitters anymore.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
I don’t know about jahez culture, however I strongly believe that your parents do not need to provide a car for your brother in law. You are doing your in-laws a very big favor by marrying their son who can start a better life in America and support them in coming years.
An overwhelming number of posts are telling you to reconsider your plan and options. Many women here are married and are warning you that your husband’s behavior raises red flags. And even men here are sharing that they were dignified enough not to ask for gifts from their wives’ parents. You know your situation best, however you asked a slightly older audience who many have an experience or two, so I urge you to think it over.
One more cent, I believe your in laws’ mentality will never change. They have succumbed to how they look to others and what others think of them. They are by no means being modest in their demands. You need to sharpen yourself in how you’re going to deal with this in the long-run. And lastly, do not fight with your parents. Your parents are doing a lot for you by providing your expenses and even planning on buying a car. Gently speak with them about this matter and always respect them. Your parents are irreplaceable, you can always go and marry another guy, but you can never call anyone else your mom or dad.
All the best with everything and I pray Allah helps you out, He knows what’s best for us, Ameen. 
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Thank you to everyone who took out the time to reply to this thread. Yesterday, after a really long time we watched our nikkah movie together and it brought back a lot of really great memories. The love we have for each other reflected in our eyes and the subconcious gestures we made to each other that day. Seeing it again served as a reminder to us that we are deeply and irrevocably in love with each other. He confessed to me that he thinks he allowed the comments of close family get into his mentality. He apologized profusely and swore to me that he has realized his mistakes and will never allow it to happen again. I know the people who were speaking with him, and they never wanted our rishta to even happen. They have previously tried to instigate a talaq and had many other (unsuccessful) attempts to end our relationship. They managed to cause many misunderstandings between our families and even between us that caused us to lose all sense and fight with each other. He told me word for word what those people said to him and now I know exactly what happened to cause this argument over something as inane as Jahez. The other reason why I believe him is that the only reason why we are having a big function this time at all is because of our families. Otherwise, there have been many times after our nikkah where we have both seriously contemplated me just moving in with him without any special rasam. Before these misunderstandings, he didnt care at all about the material things, in fact he would say he already has furniture etc at his house he doesnt understand why my parents even want to give any. I know you guys might not agree with my decision to go through with the ruksati, but there are many aspects of my situation that you do not know and I do not, as of yet, feel comfortable sharing. Again, thanks to everyone who advised me.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Thank you to everyone who took out the time to reply to this thread. Yesterday, after a really long time we watched our nikkah movie together and it brought back a lot of really great memories. The love we have for each other reflected in our eyes and the subconcious gestures we made to each other that day. Seeing it again served as a reminder to us that we are deeply and irrevocably in love with each other. He confessed to me that he thinks he allowed the comments of close family get into his mentality. He apologized profusely and swore to me that he has realized his mistakes and will never allow it to happen again. I know the people who were speaking with him, and they never wanted our rishta to even happen. They have previously tried to instigate a talaq and had many other (unsuccessful) attempts to end our relationship. They managed to cause many misunderstandings between our families and even between us that caused us to lose all sense and fight with each other. He told me word for word what those people said to him and now I know exactly what happened to cause this argument over something as inane as Jahez. The other reason why I believe him is that the only reason why we are having a big function this time at all is because of our families. Otherwise, there have been many times after our nikkah where we have both seriously contemplated me just moving in with him without any special rasam. Before these misunderstandings, he didnt care at all about the material things, in fact he would say he already has furniture etc at his house he doesnt understand why my parents even want to give any. I know you guys might not agree with my decision to go through with the ruksati, but there are many aspects of my situation that you do not know and I do not, as of yet, feel comfortable sharing. Again, thanks to everyone who advised me.
People here have seen a lot over the years, and a lot of people like you come back with unfortunate consequences (a few examples in life1 last few years). Nonetheless good luck and hope everything works out for you! : )
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
I know you guys might not agree with my decision to go through with the ruksati, but there are many aspects of my situation that you do not know and I do not, as of yet, feel comfortable sharing.
At the end of the day, it's your life. Whether it's good or bad, the only person here who will live with the decision is you. We don't have to agree with your decision and you don't have to convince us of anything. Good luck with your upcoming wedding.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
I do hope - for the OP's sake - that she's not back here posting a thread about him again.
Hope it all works out for you OP!