Hey all, I feel very fustrated right now. Some background- I have been nikkah-ified for about 3 years now with our Ruksati being planned for this December. There are many reasons why we havent been ruksati-ed yet but thats another story. So, as the days of the Ruksati get nearer and nearer I have been getting into more arguments over the issue of Jahez with my husband. He (and his family) have been acting really passive aggressive about jahez. If you ask them “Do you want jahez?” They will be like “no, we have enough to live without it”. But then they will make comments to me about my parents like “Apni beti ko kuch deh bhi nhi saktay” etc. Now, there is an issue with the car that is “expected” in jahez. My parents want to buy me a car here (in the US). I can drive and would use the car to get back and forth to and from college. My husband has been arguing with me that he wants them to give a car in Pakistan. I said their daughter is here who would use it there. He says that his oldest brother (who lives there) would use it. That he (the brother) is not separate from us. Also, we would use it when we go (probably 1 week every couple of years). Apparently, this will make izzat for his family there if my parents give a car. They dont really say much about this to my parents directly just to me. and only he says it to me. My parents were thinking of getting the car financed under mine and my mothers name (I dont have credit, she doesnt drive so they would need both). My husband says that there just trying to put one more loan under my name (other being my college loans). So, today I talked to my mom and I told her dont get a car right now (for here or there). Just say we are thinking of getting it when we get back from Pakistan. I then told my husband that well they wont get a loan they are thinking of getting it after pakistan, when they have tax returns money. He says who gives a car months after the wedding, whats the point then. I was like you guys (his family) didnt give their daughter a car until her first child was born. He says I dont take his side, that I should always support him. I was like I cant fight with my parents over this. I dont want the families to fight causing yet another delay in the Ruksati. I really do love him and believe he loves me. I dont understand why he is making such a big issue over a stupid car. Can you help me understand his point-of-view?
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Your inlaws sound like very materialistic, petty, and selfish people. And right now both you and he are acting like children, dependent on your parents for material needs and obeying their wishes. It's hard to learn to think for yourself, as apart from the family you grew up with. But it's a necessary part of growing up.
Good luck.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
His point of view? He and his family just wants to milk your parents out of the last penny. He doesn't want a car here because once you get married, he probably won;t let you leave the house let alone drive to college. So the car would be better off in Pakistan where his nakara brother could use it to do awara gardi.
And he wants you to support him making your parents bankrupt because apparently he loves you.
He is sick.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
I am so glad that my father told me to get a job, save money and then buy my own car. He had all means to buy me a car but that taught me how I am going to work on the things for myself. Alhamdulilah, my husband is not a materialistic person or immature and believed in making things by ourselves instead of depending on our parents.
Sorry, I am don't believe in this jahez culture. It is sickening how young people in this age think it is perfectly fine to depend on their parents and in laws. If you guys cannot support yourselves financially, then don't get married.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Why should you or your parents be responsible for his brother's needs in Pakistan? If he wants to do something for the brother then he should be able to do so on his own.
Sorry I find the situation very messed up. :(
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Hey guys, Thanks for replying so quickly. I already have a car, a crappy one but i have one nevertheless. It has been giving me a lot of problems in the last couple of months. Even if I wasn't getting married, my parents would have helped me replace my car. I realize I shouldn't be so dependent on them, but as I am studying very intensively as a premed, and my father does not like daughters having a job in a store etc, he has assured me that he will cover my expenses. He can afford to. I do not like the culture either, but my parents also agree that they should give me jahez. They just dont want to be dictated as to exactly what they give. The argument made to me is that jahez is given in the place of the land that a woman is given by father (zameen mein hissa). Nobody really needs a car. My inlaws have multiple cars. They have a car for his brother in pakistan already. My parents are happy to give me a car here, my dad is actually excited about it even. The problem is that my husband has a zidd that he wants them to give a car in pakistan to make izzat, which I totally dont get.He says if they give a car here he will not accept it they can keep it. I dont know what to do or even whether or not i should even do anything.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
and you want to marry this dude who cares for this superficial izzat?
Ridiculous!
and not everyone saves money from working at stores. Sorry!
and there is nothing wrong at working at a store.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Hey guys, Thanks for replying so quickly. I already have a car, a crappy one but i have one nevertheless. It has been giving me a lot of problems in the last couple of months. Even if I wasn't getting married, my parents would have helped me replace my car. I realize I shouldn't be so dependent on them, but as I am studying very intensively as a premed, and my father does not like daughters having a job in a store etc, he has assured me that he will cover my expenses. He can afford to. I do not like the culture either, but my parents also agree that they should give me jahez. They just dont want to be dictated as to exactly what they give. The argument made to me is that jahez is given in the place of the land that a woman is given by father (zameen mein hissa). Nobody really needs a car. My inlaws have multiple cars. They have a car for his brother in pakistan already. My parents are happy to give me a car here, my dad is actually excited about it even. The problem is that my husband has a zidd that he wants them to give a car in pakistan to make izzat, which I totally dont get.He says if they give a car here he will not accept it they can keep it. I dont know what to do or even whether or not i should even do anything.
There are a couple of ways to approach this. Firstly, your husband demands that a car be given in Pakistan and that he won't accept it if it's given here. Fair enough. Don't let your parents give you a car here either- he is your husband, if your current car breaks down then it is his responsibility to replace it or repair it and he can be responsible for the costs too considering he won't "accept it." The second way to approach this is that your parents want to give YOU a car- not him. So really, it is not his decision whether you accept it or not. You can accept it and it has nothing to do with him- he doesn't have to drive it or look at it even if he doesn't want to. If your husband and in laws keep on telling you to tell your parents to pay for a car in Pakistan, you will have no choice but to ask one of your parents to call them and get the issue sorted out. But I would in no way recommend you telling your parents to pay for a car in Pakistan which is not going to benefit you in any way, shape or form. And the danger with giving in is that it might become an expectation for the future- I.e.: when you have your first child, your husband might be like "oh it's the first child , your parents have to buy a car for my family in Pakistan."
My in laws also reside in Pakistan but hubby and I live abroad. Before marriage my parents asked them one billion times what they want in jahez or at least my parents could send money for the bedroom furniture and on all accounts they refused. So we ended up gifting other things instead but this made MUCH more sense because 1) hubby and I don't live there and 2) my parents furnished our entire house here so why should they have to double up?
It almost seems like your in laws and husband are trying to put pressure on you, considering nikkah is done and they want you to be concerned etc etc. Dont be. Their demands are unreasonable and stupid and you need to make them aware that they cannot just demand things and immediately get them.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
What is 'Jahez'?
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
and you want to marry this dude who cares for this superficial izzat?
Ridiculous!
and not everyone saves money from working at stores. Sorry!
and there is nothing wrong at working at a store.
Hey, I dont really know what society is truly like in pakistan as I grew up here, but in most weddings I have seen izzat being in the gift giving and receiving process. I also agree with you that there is nothing wrong with working in a store, I just used that as an example because without a college degree you cannot really get a job here other than retail or in the service industry, atleast not in the area I live. I actually wouldnt mind working in a store at all, my father just says that this is something "daughters dont do". I might not agree with it but I wont argue with him over it while I live in his house.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Hey, I dont really know what society is truly like in pakistan as I grew up here, but in most weddings I have seen izzat being in the gift giving and receiving process.
seen not in that I agree with it but that I have noticed other people praising this behavior
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
There are a couple of ways to approach this. Firstly, your husband demands that a car be given in Pakistan and that he won't accept it if it's given here. Fair enough. Don't let your parents give you a car here either- he is your husband, if your current car breaks down then it is his responsibility to replace it or repair it and he can be responsible for the costs too considering he won't "accept it." But I would in no way recommend you telling your parents to pay for a car in Pakistan which is not going to benefit you in any way, shape or form. And the danger with giving in is that it might become an expectation for the future- I.e.: when you have your first child, your husband might be like "oh it's the first child , your parents have to buy a car for my family in Pakistan."
It almost seems like your in laws and husband are trying to put pressure on you, considering nikkah is done and they want you to be concerned etc etc. Dont be. Their demands are unreasonable and stupid and you need to make them aware that they cannot just demand things and immediately get them.
Thank you for your advice. I asked him what he meant by he wont accept it. He was like we'll just leave it at their (my parents) house not bring it to his. I have told him before that since Nikkah is done I am already his responsibility, he is simply ignoring this responsibility in favor of making his family happy. Ruksati is what I call cultural bs. I have decided next time he asks or anyone demands anything I'll just say I have left it up to Allah. Agar tumhari kismat mein ghari likhi hui toh miljayegi. I'm going to tell my parents to delay any car giving or even not give anything like that if they dont want to. My parents are giving furniture for my bedroom there. As for here, as we would be living in a 2-bedroom appartment with his family, and all the furniture is still new, my parents dont want to give me anything until they buy a house (prob. next year)
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
@GypsyKing Jahez is An accumulation of stuff parents are basically forced by culture and society to give their daughter's inlaws at her wedding for fear that they will be shamed if they dont.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
jo honewaali biwi se khule yaa dhake alfaaz meN jahez kii maang kare vo koii mard nahiiN...better say good bye to such greedy person!
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
ok so i just spoke with him and i actually said that either he wants me or the jahez. i dont care if my parents decide to give me something of their own accord but he isnt and his family is not allowed to ask for something. if they do, i can and will leave him. i love him but aint nobody got time for this bull****. I was actually not aware that jahez was actually considered a necessary thing by some people. in movies the guy asking for jahez is never the good guy. anyway, lets see if he takes the threat seriously.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
beeeboo beeebooo beeeeboooo beeeeeeebooooooooo
red flags
Good luck!
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Thank you for your advice. I asked him what he meant by he wont accept it. He was like we'll just leave it at their (my parents) house not bring it to his. I have told him before that since Nikkah is done I am already his responsibility, he is simply ignoring this responsibility in favor of making his family happy. Ruksati is what I call cultural bs. I have decided next time he asks or anyone demands anything I'll just say I have left it up to Allah. Agar tumhari kismat mein ghari likhi hui toh miljayegi. I'm going to tell my parents to delay any car giving or even not give anything like that if they dont want to. My parents are giving furniture for my bedroom there. As for here, as we would be living in a 2-bedroom appartment with his family, and all the furniture is still new, my parents dont want to give me anything until they buy a house (prob. next year)
Wow? His parents are HERE?! And the demand for a car is over THERE? Tell your husband when his brother gets married HE can ask HIS wife for a car (unless he is already married in which case he can ask for it now).
Sorry but all this is ridiculous
And yes, just tell your parents your current car will do fine- if it breaks down, it is your husband's problem- not your parents.
And does he and his family know that your family won't be giving any furniture here until they buy a new house? Are they fine with that?
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
Why would your parents give you furniture for the new house if they are already giving you furniture for a house in Pakistan? See, this is like your parents are building up expectations of your in-laws and when in-laws happens to be the materialistic greedy ones then they take advantage of the girl's family and begin to demand more and more.
i agree that parents can provide all the luxuries of life to their daughters if they can afford, even if the daughters are earning their own money, but it should be between daughters and parents and husband or in-laws have no right to demand anything from girl's family.
Re: Issue of Jahez- Am I misunderstanding?
ok so i just spoke with him and i actually said that either he wants me or the jahez. i dont care if my parents decide to give me something of their own accord but he isnt and his family is not allowed to ask for something. if they do, i can and will leave him. i love him but aint nobody got time for this bull****. I was actually not aware that jahez was actually considered a necessary thing by some people. in movies the guy asking for jahez is never the good guy. anyway, lets see if he takes the threat seriously.
What was his reaction when you said that to him?