isnt this being abit senseless

Lifestyle Relationships
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OK I’ve come on after a while so don’t wish to be bashed about ( which will happen) so please some serious advice too.

Okay as u know Me and husband are exact opposites - his thinking and nine.well we have hired a boy for house work here in pak
His parents have anyway. And the boys around 19. Anyway age shouldn’t matter but my husband doesn’t want the boy around me
He’s a worker for fs sake but husband says when he’s around I should avoid that place. I don’t understand so how will any work get done? He doesn’t mind me giving the boy instructions but otherwise if boy in kitchen washing up I should avoid the kitchen until he’s left.which means his mother does double housework too. We will be a laughing stock.

I need someone to defend HIS point as I am struggling to find any sense in what he’s saying.let’s remember he’s a good guy ( I think ) and more conservative reserved than religious.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

you're back in pak again?

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Why have a guy working there in the first place if it’s such an issue :confused:

Imo it’s a bit ridiculous hiring him then expecting you to avoid him..

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

:konfused: I agree with Deeba. Why on earth did he not throw a fit with his mother if he has such an issue with he 19 year old working in the house? Does his mother know how he feels and what “instructions” he has given you?

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

honestly...basic common sense has gone out of the window!!!!!!! Tell him to get a woman worker....kasam se...

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Ufff

Number one the parents want a boy because a boy can do work outside house too
Its normal to have a boy here. He lives with us as well. We have a woman too she comes twice a week.

Husband nor I pay him.parents do
So .
...

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

well, in that case, Nadz will be uncomfortable with her hubby around a 19 year old woman! :hmmm:

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

I find it more sad that 19 year old boys have to find work doing housework, guess not enough jobs in Pakistan.

But at least he’s not in gang warfare, or dealing with illiegal activity to make a buck. I say you should become friends with the kid, he probably is a nice guy. :k:

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Have you thought from his aspect why he wants you to avoid the boy? Maybe he doesn't want his mother to make an issue out of anything so for future misconceptions that may occur, he might be asking you to avoid him as much as possible.
Secondly, (of course you know him better &) if he is doing it for the Pardah purpose and all that, I think you should avoid the boy too.
I know this may sound ridiculous to you, but Nadz sometimes, we have to follow a few things that are not our cup of tea.
How many people are living in your house at the moment?
I assume, your husband goes to work in morning?
Just avoid telling him any conversations for instructions between you and the servant, to your husband.
Some people are not listening to you but are more focused on the "other side" of the story.
Eg, you tell him, Aaj main nain usay kaha ke floor ki safai sahi se karay, wo pocha sahi nahin laga raha tha and out of no where your husband replies, tum kia kar rahi theen wahan kharay kharay?
This sort of things piss off, literally and I can totally understand your part.

ACCEPT your husband. Don't know why haven't you learnt to ACCEPT your husband as he is. He IS conservative and you SHOULD knot it in your pallu. The soon you will accept his mentality, quite a lot of things will be easy for you to handle. Also, you will learn ke apnay husband se kaunsi baat kese kehni hay.
Because you think, you are right (and when you are actually), you feel NO FEAR to deliver it to your husband. (Now thats what you do wrong). Not everything that is right for you is right for him and VICE VERSA.

Sometimes, even if we are right, we have to communicate with our other half the way he finds the thing to be right. We can not be straight forward only because we know we are right. Thats life dear. These are some of the rules to follow to have a peaceful life. Accepting him will bring you lot of peace believe me. The sooner you accept the reality, the easier it will be for you to think from his perspective and you'd be able to know ke kaunsi baat apnay husband se kese karun, jis se uska reply wo milega jesa Main chahti hun.

So, what I suggest. Stop telling him the conversations or any contact details between you and the servant to him. Like aaj main nain uss se ye saman mangwaya ya aaj main nain usay ye instruct kiya, because your husband will be more interested in that ke tum dono ka interaction hua... Kyun hua, he won't care. Sorry dear, its just his nature.

Second, yes, avoid him. Follow your husband. Busy yourself in other chores or other parts of house than where he is working. You will be able to avoid him when in reality you wish to avoid the fights. As I said, sometimes we avoid certain things not for us, BUT for the peace. though we know we are right but still, kerna parta hay.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Or that kid could be a perv. Who knows.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

^ Seriously, its not about the 19 year old kid (& by the way, 19 year old is a grownup boy. Have seen 19 year olds the father of two and even some of our Sahaba-e-karaam R.A fought the wars when was 17, 18, 19). I am sure, if the husband has hired him, he might have judged him as a person.. har koi dekh bhaal ke hi rakhta hay.. and especially when one is really conscious about the gender of servant, he is more than careful of choosing one.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Its making my life difficult. I feel like a joke. Everyone must be laughing at me oh kook she cant go.in front of her servant!!!!

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

No. Don't think that. At all. Even if you are sure of someone who is making your fun, just don't care. Its your life. Its you and your husband. You should do something that pleases your husband, not others. Socho, you are just having a tough time with your man because you don't want "others" to laugh? C`mon dear. Put efforts in making your MAN please. Not others. Would they do something YOU want them to do? No!

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

God I hate it when men do things their way and when women are okay with it, they have issues with that.

Tell him to get rid of the boy if he's so conservative. If he can't do that, tell him to stay out of household affairs and let you deal with them.

Andif he still can't accept it, sit in your room all day and when he throws a fit at you for not helping around, tell him it's because he has issues in his dimagh and he needs to sort them out first.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

Hadeel I know I am in love with you :blush: but just a general question, are you married?

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

What happens if I say yes? :=S

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

If its a yes, I must say, the two of you have good understanding and compatibility, but dear everyone is not the same. Some guys listen to their wife while others tend to impose their decision.

If speaking up with him brings solution in your case, not necessarily it will work in others case.
We all know about Nadz husband and its not the first time she is discussing his nature. My suggestion/opinion in the same case to some other person could be different and according to her circumstances.

In nadz case, its difficult to give her a suggestion which can lead to fight.

If you are not married, dear, life is pretty different before marriage and after you are married. In fact if one has a 10 year love affair pre-marriage can't say how will the guy turn after marriage. Living together is a totally different thing. Those will know who are married. Not totally but kuch baten would definitely differ from past.

Shadi ke bad, one has to make a lot of compromises and sacrifices IF she sense that her husband is really dominant and can not understand logic. Like everything needs struggle, career, education, religion..... so does marriage..... if you want it to be succeed.. you will have to put a lot of efforts. Some are lucky to make no efforts but we can't suggest everyone the same as the cases are different from person to person :)

P.S. Shadi kis se ki? :ASA:

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

This

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

I actually don't think it's weird for you to maintain some distance from male staff. He didn't restrict you from speaking with him. You can probably go into the same space and get what you need. The idea is just that you don't linger wherever he happens to be working, unless necessary.

This is one of the complications of having a home with servants. You do need to adjust and compromise.

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Re: isnt this being abit senseless

This must be really difficult for you. Not go about as needed in your own house. Ask your husband to get a woman kaam wali and this boy can come maybe a few days a week to help with the outside work.