CM’s thread brings an interesting question to light. Women expect that Pakistani men will take care of them financially and often use the argument that the Quran requests men to take care of their families.
If your husband, then, was to tell you, darling I’d like to finish up my education or I’d like to do this career even if it doesn’t bring a lot of money…would you push him to do something that brings in more money, or would you cut his education short for him to go to work?
It’s one thing if you married an established plastic surgeon
It’s another if the guy you marry is working on his sociology degree.
Would you marry the guy working on his sociology degree? Would you force him to drop it and get a job? Would you see that as abusing your spouse or asking him to do his Quranic duty - to provide for you?
Would you have him change career tracks so he can make more money? Even if he doesn’t really want to? Or would you get frustrated with him being perfectly happy bringing in 30,000?
PCG you posed the question in a way that every girl will answer, 'No I won't - He is my SoorTaaj and I love him to his last breath and will never ever do that to him'.
But when real crunch time comes every girl will be like 'show me some bling bling'.
I think every women wants security and about 90% of it comes with money. So Good luck with the answers.
I'm trying to be as concrete as I can. Would you marry the guy working on his sociology degree? Seriously. Or lets say your hubby says he wants to go back to school and study philosophy and drop his job for the time being and now your income is supporting the family. Is this acceptable?
Namaan, I think the question also can be posed to men - would you marry your sister or daughter to a guy who is still in school and working on a degree that maybe you think may not pull much money?
PCG I think its women's instinct that they will go for more obvious. For them are man in medical school is not better then the one who is already working and making enough to support them. I think it would be ideal situation if we could see a little bit in future. As they say 'your today decides your tomorrow'. Patience is virtue but hard to acheive.
-a sociology major isn’t a failure , they an still go to law school or do social work etc
-I wouldn’t force someone to change a career track..hopefully these questions would be addressed before the parties get emotionally invested.
-If I was alreayd working a decent job that would be enough to pay for everything…yeah. but if i’m working a job that’s merely supplemental income for savings or my own shopping sprees (:halo: ), that would be difficult. hopefully again both parties would be sane enough to look at the big picture and their own halaat.
Otherwise, could a woman be happy with a man who makes only 30K a year and either he or his industry, doesn’t have potential to earn more? that’s a hard Q. My husband’s salary is in that range but I know b/c of the industry he is in, his experience and, most importantly, his work ethic, he has the potential to earn twice or thrice that amount. Its just a matter of having luck and fate on our side.
Not saying its impossible but I’m sure there are women who would be very hapy and satisfied with less “bling”.
Also, unless the woman is staying at home (or desires to stay at home and raise children and be a housewife) she kind of loses out on teh “islamic duty” argument.
What if he wants to go back to school and get a degree that will get him more money and respect, but since the girl comes from an uneducated background, she just says "forget that, just start working and making some $$. I don't want to live poorly for 2 years so you can finish your education".
This is a very real situation. Let's say the girl's family owns gas stations (no offense to people) and became rich that way, she married a guy from back home who wants to finish his masters. SHe may not want him to b/c that would mean living on a grad student's stipend for 2 years, instead of working at a job that pays OK (like cab driver) but does not command the same amount of respect- because she doesn't really understand the value of education. I know a lady, father was a mechanic and they were pretty rich in the old days back home, but she wasn't educated and married a poor but educated guy. Would not let him get go for masters,PhD when they came here (to US) because she thought it was useless and wanted him to start making money NOW.
If he's doing something impractical, and if they have kids, then NO, he shouldn't expect support.
he shouldn't go for the less paying field if he's making more money doing something else (unless it's more like an investment- pays low in the beginning but has potential to make more later)
I get so bothered when I see these "would you allow", "would you force", "would you push" type posts. These terms have no place in a marriage. Marriage is first and foremost a partnership. One where both parties share interests, goals and life experience. Sure there will be compromise on the part of both but these things are really pretty fundamental and should have been hashed out prior to making a lifetime committment. Marriage isnt like a job that you can quit if you dont like it. Its supposed to be for life. So make sure you both share the same interest, life goals and desires - BEFORE you sign your life away. If you like your bling then marry one who will happily provide it. If you want to be a stay-home mother, make sure that this is what he wants also. If you want a career even after kids, be REALLY sure that he's good with that too.
I;m sure there are some marriages where one partner or the other throws a curve ball - the high wage-earner who wants to go join the peace corps etc. and those are difficult to iron out. But still, in a real partnership even these curve balls can be worked out and compromised to a degree that keeps both happy.
personally I didn't marry my hubby for his degree I married him kyunki I felt something for him. No matter how filmi it sounds I saw him and mujhe feel huwa he is the one for me...but I also made sure that his family is open-minded and he is a hardworker. And I could feel from him that he felt something for me too.
mere haath pauv salaamat hain agar woh music mein bhi apni degree karna chahte hain toh karein na ....I'm not paralyzed I can and do work too. push him into a career that he has no interest in and watch him suffer for the rest of his life cuz why? so he can provide for me? I dont need anyone to provide for me alhamdulillah. and even if I decide to quit then I will learn to live in whatever little he makes.
aur mera belief hai k risk utna hi milta hai jitna allah ne aapke naseeb mein likha hota hai...so even as a doctor woh utna hi kamaayenge jitna he would be making as a musician or sociologist...because that is what allah has written in his naseeb.
marriages are partnerships you're supposed to support each other no matter what...sometimes that's easier said than done I agree...but i think women and even men do try hard to be supportive of their spouses no matter what. I would not want the following thought to cross his mind "agar main single hota toh main kuch bhi kar sakta tha" I want him to instead think meri wife kitni achi hai always supportive of me thank god I got married :)
I get so bothered when I see these "would you allow", "would you force", "would you push" type posts. These terms have no place in a marriage. Marriage is first and foremost a partnership. One where both parties share interests, goals and life experience. Sure there will be compromise on the part of both but these things are really pretty fundamental and should have been hashed out prior to making a lifetime committment. Marriage isnt like a job that you can quit if you dont like it. Its supposed to be for life. So make sure you both share the same interest, life goals and desires - BEFORE you sign your life away. If you like your bling then marry one who will happily provide it. If you want to be a stay-home mother, make sure that this is what he wants also. If you want a career even after kids, be REALLY sure that he's good with that too.
I;m sure there are some marriages where one partner or the other throws a curve ball - the high wage-earner who wants to go join the peace corps etc. and those are difficult to iron out. But still, in a real partnership even these curve balls can be worked out and compromised to a degree that keeps both happy.
I get so bothered when I see these "would you allow", "would you force", "would you push" type posts. These terms have no place in a marriage. Marriage is first and foremost a partnership.
okay, now I'm really confused...
so, Mamaof30, are you saying that you don't actually own the person after you get married to them?
sociologist is OK and fun as long as the future is in intellutual circles. You wanna do a phd in it, post doctorial qualification, become a prof, then yah.
Hopefully if I am an ambitious person I wouldn't marry a guy who is lazy and satisfied with his current state of affairs. At the average marriageable age of a desi guy, he would have probably just started his career and if at that time he is bringing in $30K that's perfectly fine. It doesn't matter where you come from or where you are, but where you're going. As a wife you could be a cheerleader for your husband to move on to brighter and better things for a man without goals and ambitions would have very little self esteem. If you look around and see successful people who are happy, they are always in the process of making their lives better in some way or the other...either financially or spiritually or whatever. Trust me, I have seen many lazy bums who live under that weak defense that "oh we are very happy where we are at." Yeah right. So if my husband wanted to study more, by all means yes, and I'd be ready to roll my sleeves and pitch in.
I am not saying that money is everything, but I feel that if you as a spouse don't strive to bring out the best in each other, soon life will be frustrating.
At the end of the day, it really isnt about money. People change jobs because they get bored of doing the same thing day after day.. or month after month. Changing jobs doesnt necessarily mean you will be making more money, but (in IT) have a chance in advancing your knowledge in technologies and strategies.. and that's always a good thing.
When marrying a guy or a gal... you should try to what that person can bring to a marriage.. can they help you move forward (not use them as a ladder) but as NikSik that, be your cheerleader... can the person walk alongside you... do you have similar if not the same, goals in mind...
and this can all be done in an arranged situation too.... parents should look out for these qualities when looking at a spouse for their child.. or when u guys get to the talking phase, you should discuss these things.
We should all respect our better halves with what they do.. appreciate them, but also help each other grow. There is nothing wrong with that
PCG, i've advised girls not to do sociology so i would say the same to a guy! it is interesting but i think it should be combined with a 'practical' major at least! So it's not a matter of forcing him, it's just that I don't want him to waste time, at least in my mind.
And yes, is important to me that the guy have some income. I would like to be a SAHM for a few years. Since I'm taking a risk by being financially dependent on him, it's essential for me that the guy have some sort of stable income. However my dependency also makes it essential that he be a nice,generous guy. Not the type that will sulk if i need $50 to go shopping. Even better he should just trust me with a joint account :) What's the enjoyment in having a high income if your hubby is questioning every diaper and toy purchase on your statement?
But, i wouldn't mind getting engaged to a guy who has no income but shows promise, ex. a guy in grad school.
I would fully support him if thats what he wanted to do, after all i know he would do the same with me, although we would work out properly how and when this should take place.
I would also consider it to be an investment for the future rather than a short time stretch.
money does not bring any contentment into a relationship if you are unhappy in your job.
