Is this normal parental behavior?

[soconfused]

I am SO confused (yes yes fits my name)

So I’m supposed to be getting engaged to the man of my dreams iA next month. I was really excited and happy but I’ve gotten completely over it at this point. It has nothing to do with the guy, and I feel terrible because he’s so excited. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be happier that I’m another step closer to marrying him but my parents have started acting unbelievably strange recently.

1. I mentioned this before, but they’ve forbidden me to tell anyone what’s going on. Which is great, except I have some really close friends that would be majorly pissed off (as I would) if they found out after I got engaged. ESPECIALLY since it’s not arranged and this has been in the works for some time. I feel like half the fun is telling your close girl friends and have them share in the excitement with you, but obviously that isn’t happening. I finally had to tell my best friend of 20 years because my mom couldn’t figure out logistics for something that my friend would know and when my parents found out (first my mom was cool with it) they went kinda crazy.

2. I went to this said friend’s house for iftar a few days ago and broke the new to her then. Of course, she was really excited and wanted to know the details. I admit, I was out later than I should have been and I got home at 1:00am. The next morning, I got chewed out for being out that late because it’s not what “shareef girls do” and if my in-laws found out they would break the rishta (my to-be fiance is aware that I was out that late and no one cares considering I was at my BFFLS house and there were no guys present at all). Then they started going off on me about how my best friend can now ruin my reputation and tell how I’m awara and I was over at her house till late and my rishta is gonna break. I’m confused as to that leap in logic and how my parents reached that conclusion. What made me even angrier is that my brothers were out that night too and didn’t come over till after suhoor…but when I said that my mom said that “well they’re boys”

3. My other really close friend is getting married in a few months and wanted me to come with her to try on outfits. My mom found out and threw a fit about how I just go around with everyone and do whatever anyone asks but my friends are worthless and won’t ever do anything for me. I’m genuinely confused by this because…a) my friends have always been there for my bdays / graduations b) I haven’t had any major wedding event or anything like that that they haven’t showed up to c) MY FREAKING FRIENDS DONT EVEN KNOW I’M GETTING ENGAGED because my parents told me not to tell them. So even if there was something they WANTED to do , they can’t because…no one knows d) My engagement is happening in the guy’s state because they have more family and my parents don’t ‘believe in engagements’ so it’d be inconvenient for my friends who ALL have jobs to fork over $500 for one night. When I told my mom this , she went off on me about how I’m batameez and I just care about my friends and don’t have any respect for parents. I don’t get it. I wanted to ask her if she would let me fly out for a night across the country for a friend’s engagement if I had been asked , considering she has an issue with me driving 45 mins away to help a friend out with bridal shopping, but I was so pissed off at that point that I just kind of went off on everyone and left (yeah, I agree it’s my fault).

I don’t know what to do. I feel like other girls I know that get engaged are super excited and looking forward to it and everyone in their family is ecstatic and I’m …not. It just feels like there’s a lot more restrictions because now if I talk back or do something they don’t like they use the “well this isn’t gonna work in your other house. They’re gonna divorce you and leave you here if you do this stuff there” line on me. I’ve been trying to be normal around my fiance-to-be but he’s not an idiot and he senses something’s wrong. He keeps asking if something’s going on with my parents and I’ve tried to play it off because he already isn’t too keen with how my parents have been wishy-washy and insanely backwards about certain aspects of this rishta and I don’t want it to be worse/effect their relationship after marriage.

I had my parents’ blessings (my dad was harder to convince) when this happened so it’s not like I’m forcing anyone. But it’s turned into a nightmare. With all the secrets and hiding stuff and thaanay, I feel like I’m doing something shameful and wrong–but I’m not.

Is this normal? I’m hoping all girls’ parents get overly cautious but I feel like this is an abnormal level. My parents’ biggest flaw–and we’ve all told them multiple times–is their obsession with keeping everything they do a secret: no one can know when we’re going to Pakistan until we fly out, no one knows when we’re looking at rishtas, and now no one can know that I’m getting engaged. It always makes everything seem shady even when there’s nothing sketchy going on. But it’s wearing me down.

I don’t even know why I wrote all this out. I’m just stressed and starting to worry because I’m genuinely not excited about anything.

[queen_24]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

They just seem to be extra-EXTRA precautious
Wish you best of luck, congratulations

[redvelvet]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Planning a wedding will be an emotional roller coaster. Your mom is giving you away ...kinda like losing you to someone else...and I think this can have a strange emotional effect on mothers...where they're trying to hold and let you be independent as well. My parents are like yours in that they would want me to not tell close friends and family until they're ready and I've heard the same argument about staying out late. YES, it's frustrating, YES it's annoying.....but try to be patient with your mom...try your best to not argue and just stay quiet instead. You have been through so much to marry this guy...you don't to risk turning your parents against him again. So hold your tongue, don't argue.

[KKF]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

i don't think your parent's behaviour is normal...parents don't micromanage their children to this extent. they are your parents you should handle them tactfully with love and respect. get along with them...soon you'll be married and gone to your sasuraal...i woul;d also recommend you to keep a good relationship with them even after you get married...

...Allah iA will reward you for being a good daughter. :)

shaadii mubaarak ho! :)

[soconfused]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

@redvelvet

Planning a wedding will be an emotional roller coaster. Your mom is giving you away ...kinda like losing you to someone else...and I think this can have a strange emotional effect on mothers...where they're trying to hold and let you be independent as well. My parents are like yours in that they would want me to not tell close friends and family until they're ready and I've heard the same argument about staying out late. YES, it's frustrating, YES it's annoying.....but try to be patient with your mom...try your best to not argue and just stay quiet instead. You have been through so much to marry this guy...you don't to risk turning your parents against him again. So hold your tongue, don't argue.

Yeah I'm trying to keep the big picture in mind but it's so hard. The part that makes me the most angry is the accusations/distrust in my friends--I've known them for 20 years and they've never done anything that makes me feel like they'd be malicious and wouldn't be happy for me. I already don't have any family attending the wedding/engagement because my parents have cut ties with most of them (everyone here in the States) so the last thing I want is to cut off my closest friends because my parents are paranoid about it. My friend already planned on buying tix and coming in for my engagement (dropping $500 for one night essentially) and when I told my mom this she told me I was an idiot for believing my friend's lies and she'll bet me money that my friends are worthless and won't be there for me...not exactly the type of thing I want to hear.

And then my fiancé to be tells me how they've told their friends and how excited everyone is and if that's the case with my side too but I can't tell him what's actually going on. It's literally a fight every step of the way.

My mom was in Pakistan and there were no presents bought for his family and no engagement jora for me because my dad refused to openly say yes at the time. 2 days after she got back, he said yes and now we're scrambling for stuff. I'm wearing something my grandfather randomly sent me; it's not what I wanted to wear. Normally, I'll admit I'm a diva when it comes to my clothes but I've been taking it in stride because as long as I'm getting engaged to him, I don't care. Everytime I try to ask them about getting my hair done or nails done for the event, I get told I'm getting overexcited and "koi zaroorat nahi". I'm really trying to look at the big picture but there's certain expectations or desires I had with my engagement and wedding growing up and nothing is going that way. I feel like I'm supposed to be sad and miserable all the time because if I show any happiness then I'm somehow trying to tell my parents I'm really happy to be leaving and I'm overexcited.

It's gotten to the point where I've just completely removed myself from the process--which is pissing them off too. I wasn't happy with the ring style they wanted because I know my fiancé doesn't want that and he took a lot of trouble to make sure I'm getting the exact ring I want. My parents then claimed that I was taking whatever he said as the law and they aren't gonna be forced to do stuff by their daughter. So then I told them to do whatever they wanted and they decided to go to Tiffany's and forced me to choose a ring. When I said it was too expensive they got angry at me for saying that and showing too much nakhray. Whattt

@KKF

i don't think your parent's behaviour is normal...parents don't micromanage their children to this extent. they are your parents you should handle them tactfully with love and respect. get along with them...soon you'll be married and gone to your sasuraal...i woul;d also recommend you to keep a good relationship with them even after you get married...

...Allah iA will reward you for being a good daughter. :)

shaadii mubaarak ho! :)

I really am trying but there's a limit. I feel like I brought home some trashy loser guy and have forced my parents to say yes--that's how they're acting. It's all really confusing and I'm just scared that my fiancé is gonna find out because he's already mentioned numerous times that he feels like my parents aren't nearly as happy/excited as he thought they'd be.

[Chicken_Biryani]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

I think they are slightly over reacting , but that is very much acceptable, like RV said , they are giving you away and the more nearer you are getting to the wedding, the more they are starting to realize you will be going away.

Let me tell you something: when i was getting married , few days ahead of the wedding, my mother and my father went quiet, I thought I must have done something to anger them, I got upset too and then we started having arguments ! until the wedding day and after the wedding everything was back to normal! took me months to realize that , that time is very very emotional for parents. They werent actually naraaz with me, they were just trying to come to terms since I was the eldest and it was the first time they were to experience this .

So yes , please stay patient and realize they have more experience then you in the real world and they are only trying to protect you , prepare you for so many things. they may sound a bit overly confused right now, but everything is fair in love and war! this is their love for you

[Reha]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

They are just trying to protect you...overreacting a lot I admit...but that's the root of it all.

Parents behave very strangely around weddings...they become different people. I had so many arguments with my mom around my wedding, I cannot tell you. It happens. But it all goes away once you get married so try to let it go.

[Ess_Emm]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Here's the deal. When you announce things, there are expectations. Let's take the flying to Pakistan as an example. You tell people you're coming to PAkistan from valait, and all of a sudden you have 20 kg of stuff that isn't yours that you have to take back with you because someone requested you take it with them/bring it back with you. Same goes for rishta hunting. You tell someone you're looking for a rishta for a girl or a boy, and all of a sudden you'll have people giving you advice on what to look for, or they'll shove a match in your face, and expect you to say yes just because they think he/she is a good match and then be all indignant if you don't say yes. Similarly, if you announce that the rishta ahs been pakka-fied, there will be expectation of them being the first ones to be told (and to be fair, you've said your friends would get mad if they found out they weren't the first ones to be told), or the first ones to be invited to a shaadi, or they would get mad how they weren't consulted about the rishta that has been pakkafied. So look at it this way before you get frustrated with your parents. They are only looking to make their, and in extension, your life easier and less complicated.

As for being overly protected, from the background they come from, any little reason is a reason to break off a rishta, eg let's just look at Life1 and the loads of complications that can arise even before you look at a rishta. So they're trying to protect you. You know and we know that that won't happen, but to your parents that's a legitimate fear. Yes, all of it seems insane and too much, but let them be. They're not intentionally trying to make your life miserable. And let's be serious here, things change as soon as a new label is put on any relationship. Even if we don't want to. That's unfortunately human nature. So instead of getting frustrated with your parents, take a deep breath, calm down, and talk to them how it might not happen, and if they're not willing to listen to you, then listen to them, put yourself in their shoes, analyze why they might be saying things, and at the end of the day, move on and forget about the things they've said.

[Sara516]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Sounds similar to what I went through wheN I got engaged (minus the secretiveness) but......just because it's normal doesn't mean it's right and I wish my time had been a lot happier and relaxed and fun.

[Hadeel]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Yup this is pretty normal. Listen to what Ess Emm said.

my friends at work got engaged to each other. The girls mom didnt want her to tell me anything. She allowed her to break the news a month before the wedding. It was strange for her too because I was friends with both of them and knew about their relationship even before the parents did. =D

It was funny too cause one time I met both families at the girls father surgery two months after the engagement and I pretended ive never seen the guy in my entire life lol. So silly but it was good enough for her parentsso I just understood and went with the flow. So what im trying to say is friends will understand.. just let your parents do their thing.go with the flow and be happy!

Congratulations on the wedding!

[soconfused]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

@Ess_Emm

Here's the deal. When you announce things, there are expectations. Let's take the flying to Pakistan as an example. You tell people you're coming to PAkistan from valait, and all of a sudden you have 20 kg of stuff that isn't yours that you have to take back with you because someone requested you take it with them/bring it back with you. Same goes for rishta hunting. You tell someone you're looking for a rishta for a girl or a boy, and all of a sudden you'll have people giving you advice on what to look for, or they'll shove a match in your face, and expect you to say yes just because they think he/she is a good match and then be all indignant if you don't say yes. Similarly, if you announce that the rishta ahs been pakka-fied, there will be expectation of them being the first ones to be told (and to be fair, you've said your friends would get mad if they found out they weren't the first ones to be told), or the first ones to be invited to a shaadi, or they would get mad how they weren't consulted about the rishta that has been pakkafied. So look at it this way before you get frustrated with your parents. They are only looking to make their, and in extension, your life easier and less complicated.

As for being overly protected, from the background they come from, any little reason is a reason to break off a rishta, eg let's just look at Life1 and the loads of complications that can arise even before you look at a rishta. So they're trying to protect you. You know and we know that that won't happen, but to your parents that's a legitimate fear. Yes, all of it seems insane and too much, but let them be. They're not intentionally trying to make your life miserable. And let's be serious here, things change as soon as a new label is put on any relationship. Even if we don't want to. That's unfortunately human nature. So instead of getting frustrated with your parents, take a deep breath, calm down, and talk to them how it might not happen, and if they're not willing to listen to you, then listen to them, put yourself in their shoes, analyze why they might be saying things, and at the end of the day, move on and forget about the things they've said.

I know deep down inside that they're doing it because they're being overly cautious but it's gotten to the point where it's turning into a massive fight everytime the subject even comes up. It's probably made worse by the fact that I'm home for the summer (I usually live out of state for school) and I'm not used to having a curfew enforced at the age of 25 or being told I can't hang out with some of my best friends that I only see 1-2x a year anyways all because my in-laws MIGHT take issue with the fact that I have a life of my own and don't sit at home cooking all day. For the record, my fiance to be knows when I'm out and who I'm with and he's the type that would tell me if there would be an issue but he doesn't understand.

A lot of it has to do with rishtas breaking so easily when my parents grew up in Pakistan. But it's annoying for them to push their paranoid attitude onto me. Like I said, I have no relatives or girl cousins that I keep in touch with; I only have my friends that I've known for 15-20 years. It's frustrating hearing my mom badmouth them for NO reason; she doesn't want me to be friends with them anymore in case they "do something to break my rishta". My friends have known about the guy for a while know since we were dating before we approached our parents and no one...did anything to sabotage the relationship. I just don't want to follow my mom's lead and destroy those relationships because I'll be devastated if they don't come to the wedding/aren't friends with me anymore. I don't think my parents get that and I think, again, this has a lot to do with the mentality my mom was raised with back home where you ditch your friends for your new family the second you get married. She doesn't see the point in keeping in touch with people that I'm supposed to just leave and forget about the second I sign my nikkah papers. But then she's expecting them to bend over backwards for my non-existent events. I don't know. It's just not right.

@Sara516

Sounds similar to what I went through wheN I got engaged (minus the secretiveness) but......just because it's normal doesn't mean it's right and I wish my time had been a lot happier and relaxed and fun.

Yeah, that's what sucks the most. I'm miserable right now. If I show any sign that I'm even slightly happy/interested in what's going to be happening on the day of the engagement then I'm labeled "overexcited" and told that all I want to do is "leave the family so I can do whatever I want. But you're in for a surprise. You wont last a day in that house." Then when I adopt a passive attitude and let them do whatever, I get called batameez and I'm showing nakhray. I seriously don't know what to do. I'm not even pretending at this point--I don't care at ALL about the engagement or anything. It's turned into a burden and a point of contention between my family and me and I'm not excited in the slightest. My parents didn't want to do an engagement here because "people will talk" (in fact they even said to do the entire wedding at the guy's state so we don't have to deal with the ppl here...at which point I couldn't control myself and had to say something), then they told the family that they didn't want an engagement at all but fiance knows that I did so he told his parents to do one anyways. My parents wouldn't give a final answer the ENTIRE TIME MY MOM WAS IN PAKISTAN so I ended up not having any clothes/shoes/jewelry for the engagement (even though I specifically had wanted to wear something), they're not letting me get ready anywhere because "it's not that big of a deal; don't get overexcited". It sucks. I know it's petty and stupid and I'm not gonna remember this when I'm married but I literally have ZERO say in my own event. And the fact that I even want one is turning out to be a burden for my parents.

Me getting engaged has given my parents more things to bring up whenever there IS an argument. And I know I'm gonna look back on all this and resent it but I don't know what to do.

@Hadeel

Yup this is pretty normal. Listen to what Ess Emm said.

my friends at work got engaged to each other. The girls mom didnt want her to tell me anything. She allowed her to break the news a month before the wedding. It was strange for her too because I was friends with both of them and knew about their relationship even before the parents did. =D

It was funny too cause one time I met both families at the girls father surgery two months after the engagement and I pretended ive never seen the guy in my entire life lol. So silly but it was good enough for her parentsso I just understood and went with the flow. So what im trying to say is friends will understand.. just let your parents do their thing.go with the flow and be happy!

Congratulations on the wedding!

I've been letting my parents do their own thing. The only reason that I told my mom that my best friend knew is because my mother had a question about where to buy packaging for the boy's families' gifts and told me to tell my friend and ask. I didn't think that was gonna come back and bite me in the butt or else I would'nt have told my parents. My close friends all know that we were serious to the point that families had met because they were aware that the two of us had been seeing each other for a while; my parents don't know that and I've made sure my friends keep their mouths shut and no one tells their parents.

The friends thing is a part of the problem but there's so much more to it. My biggest problem is that instead of being happy, the mood in my house is somber--it's as if someone died or something terrible happened. And other people can sense. I know my parents' overreactions are normal but I don't think the depressing mood that's taken over my house is. Everything--literally EVERYTHING--is an argument about how I'm not gonna survive with my in-laws which devolves into putting down my fiance to be and his family (eg, "his mom is so chalak", "they're already changing you and you're not even engaged", etc etc). I give up.

[ehl-e-chamman]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

i can relate. Been through same and worse.
it didnt get any better for me after the wedding but i'll hope and pray for your sake that you fare better.

as to your question. no its not normal and sadly there isnt anything you can do about it. im sure you've figured it out by now but it all stems from the mere fact of you choosing your own guy. doesnt matter that you did it the right way and have gotten your parents involved .... or even that they (at least publicly) have given their blessing.

you are in for a rough time my friend. pick your battles.

i do wish you the best.

[Ess_Emm]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

@soconfused

I know deep down inside that they’re doing it because they’re being overly cautious but it’s gotten to the point where it’s turning into a massive fight everytime the subject even comes up. It’s probably made worse by the fact that I’m home for the summer (I usually live out of state for school) and I’m not used to having a curfew enforced at the age of 25 or being told I can’t hang out with some of my best friends that I only see 1-2x a year anyways all because my in-laws MIGHT take issue with the fact that I have a life of my own and don’t sit at home cooking all day. For the record, my fiance to be knows when I’m out and who I’m with and he’s the type that would tell me if there would be an issue but he doesn’t understand.

A lot of it has to do with rishtas breaking so easily when my parents grew up in Pakistan. But it’s annoying for them to push their paranoid attitude onto me. Like I said, I have no relatives or girl cousins that I keep in touch with; I only have my friends that I’ve known for 15-20 years. It’s frustrating hearing my mom badmouth them for NO reason; she doesn’t want me to be friends with them anymore in case they “do something to break my rishta”. My friends have known about the guy for a while know since we were dating before we approached our parents and no one…did anything to sabotage the relationship. I just don’t want to follow my mom’s lead and destroy those relationships because I’ll be devastated if they don’t come to the wedding/aren’t friends with me anymore. I don’t think my parents get that and I think, again, this has a lot to do with the mentality my mom was raised with back home where you ditch your friends for your new family the second you get married. She doesn’t see the point in keeping in touch with people that I’m supposed to just leave and forget about the second I sign my nikkah papers. But then she’s expecting them to bend over backwards for my non-existent events. I don’t know. It’s just not right.

Yeah, that’s what sucks the most. I’m miserable right now. If I show any sign that I’m even slightly happy/interested in what’s going to be happening on the day of the engagement then I’m labeled “overexcited” and told that all I want to do is “leave the family so I can do whatever I want. But you’re in for a surprise. You wont last a day in that house.” Then when I adopt a passive attitude and let them do whatever, I get called batameez and I’m showing nakhray. I seriously don’t know what to do. I’m not even pretending at this point–I don’t care at ALL about the engagement or anything. It’s turned into a burden and a point of contention between my family and me and I’m not excited in the slightest. My parents didn’t want to do an engagement here because “people will talk” (in fact they even said to do the entire wedding at the guy’s state so we don’t have to deal with the ppl here…at which point I couldn’t control myself and had to say something), then they told the family that they didn’t want an engagement at all but fiance knows that I did so he told his parents to do one anyways. My parents wouldn’t give a final answer the ENTIRE TIME MY MOM WAS IN PAKISTAN so I ended up not having any clothes/shoes/jewelry for the engagement (even though I specifically had wanted to wear something), they’re not letting me get ready anywhere because “it’s not that big of a deal; don’t get overexcited”. It sucks. I know it’s petty and stupid and I’m not gonna remember this when I’m married but I literally have ZERO say in my own event. And the fact that I even want one is turning out to be a burden for my parents.

Me getting engaged has given my parents more things to bring up whenever there IS an argument. And I know I’m gonna look back on all this and resent it but I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been letting my parents do their own thing. The only reason that I told my mom that my best friend knew is because my mother had a question about where to buy packaging for the boy’s families’ gifts and told me to tell my friend and ask. I didn’t think that was gonna come back and bite me in the butt or else I would’nt have told my parents. My close friends all know that we were serious to the point that families had met because they were aware that the two of us had been seeing each other for a while; my parents don’t know that and I’ve made sure my friends keep their mouths shut and no one tells their parents.

The friends thing is a part of the problem but there’s so much more to it. My biggest problem is that instead of being happy, the mood in my house is somber–it’s as if someone died or something terrible happened. And other people can sense. I know my parents’ overreactions are normal but I don’t think the depressing mood that’s taken over my house is. Everything–literally EVERYTHING–is an argument about how I’m not gonna survive with my in-laws which devolves into putting down my fiance to be and his family (eg, “his mom is so chalak”, “they’re already changing you and you’re not even engaged”, etc etc). I give up.

I’ll have to quote your entire post because my reply kinda ties everything together.

The mood that you’re describing in your house…that’s what the reality of a shadi house is in our desi culture. Or at least what I’ve seen. The chehkta, giggly, girls skipping everywhere atmosphere is nothing but Bollywood. This happens in every house when a girl’s rishta is pakkafied. The mood gets somber. Doesn’t matter if the match is arranged, or it’s a love marriage (I hate this term, but I have to use it). It’s only later, when the activities start, when the house gets busy with preparations, when the guests start arriving that everything gets uplifted. Your parents, from the culture they come from, are saying good bye to their daughter. That in itself is a tragedy. At the same time, they’ve got a million and one things they have to worry about now. Their daughter’s reputation, arranging a hall, the cards, the clothes, gifts etc etc. And that’s enough to depress any sane person, let alone the parents of a girl. Unfortunately, you’ll have to deal with it all. I don’t know what your family dynamics are, and I’m not sure if you’ve got siblings or not, but now the onus is on you guys to uplift the mood of the house. You have to distract and cheer up your parents. They will resist. Oh goodness will they ever, but believe me, they will also appreciate your attempts at trying to cheer them up a bit.

As for the restrictions and curfew and everything, that’s nothing but a #desigirlproblem](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=desigirlproblem) . We have to tell our parents, especially our moms, where we are going and how long we will be going for, and with who we are going. Regardless of the fact that our moms know our entire social circle, it still happens. That’s something that you will not be getting rid of ever, no matter how old your own kids get. You just have to simply deal with it. BTW, if in the future you ever will be living with your in-laws, forever how brief of the time, just remember, this line of questioning (where are you going, how long are you going for, when will you get back) will still haunt you even then. There is no escape.

As for your friends, you’re right, in the past the expectation was that once a girl gets married, she forgets everything from her past life. Her family, her friends etc. But in this day and age this isn’t possible and it isn’t advisable either. But, do you really want to leave your parents house and move into the next phase of your life on a sour note with your parents? I’ve personally seen best friends sabotaging their bride-friend’s upcoming nuptials, with their own tantrums and demands. Why? Who know. Jealousy? Regrets? Other issues? No idea. I am not saying that God forbid something like that will happen with you and your circle of friends, but perhaps this is what your mom is worried about. She just wants to protect you. The best thing that I can advise you is that you don’t have to mention your friends to your mom all the time. If she wonders about where to get flowers from, instead of saying “I’ll ask my friend” Just say, I’ll try to find out. And leave it at that. Meanwhile, call your friends over to your own house, and together make centerpieces, or address invite or something like that. That way your mom can also see that your friends have nothing but the best of intentions for you and your upcoming marriage.

Remember, just as excited as you are about your own wedding, your parents are excited too for the wedding of their daughter. However, being parents, they’ve got a lot more on their mind, and that unfortunately dampens their spirits and excitement. Your job is to along with arranging your own wedding, is to take care of your parents while you’re still living with them.

[Paheli00]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Soconfused: I get that the situation sucks...but I'm not sure why you seem so shocked by everything. If I remember right, your dad was acting "weird" even before giving his blessing! What if your dad hadn't said "yes"? What would you be doing now if that had happened? Be grateful that he officially said yes and things are moving forward.

You yourself wrote that your parents have always been obsessive about keeping secrets. So you should not be surprised at all since you've been dealing with this behavior from them all your life. You KNEW that your parents did not want to do an engagement. You knew it would make them unhappy. Yet you allowed your fiancé to push his parents to have one b/c he knew that YOU wanted an engagement. Well, looks like you're getting what you want...an engagement. You did not put a stop to it (ie. tell your fiancé to just leave it alone b/c it'll just make your parents stressed/upset whatever). Well, now you're dealing with the aftermath. Your parents having to deal with a engagement party that they never wanted to begin with but are doing it b/c the boy's family insisted on it (ie. your family already feels like they're being bossed around by his family).

As for the ring and other material stuff....let them buy whatever the heck they want. If you and your fiancé do well enough in school and get into high-paying specialties....b/t the two of you the household income will EASILY be $500K+. Once you two start earning, buy whatever ring you want. Given your parents attitude (which has been there WAY before they said yes to this rishta), ring or any other material things are not worth the argument.

Look, I really do get it. This whole thing sucks b/c its nothing how you imagined your wedding preparation. My engagement/wedding time sucked too b/c of both sets of parents. Welcome to adulthood! Reality doesn't always turn out how we want it to be. Keep in mind that its not too late for your parents to pull a stunt and back out of this whole thing. So if I were you, I would stay focused on that fact that you're getting to marry the guy you want, and do everything possible not to annoy your parents until the wedding is done.

As for your friends, if you've known them for 20+ years, and they're really close to you...then they should've already heard by now that your parents are a little crazy. If they choose to end a life-long friendship b/c you kept your mouth shut per your parents wishes about the engagement.....then you should really think about how strong that friendship was to begin with.

BTW, perhaps I missed it but when is the wedding?

[soconfused]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

@Ess_Emm

I’ll have to quote your entire post because my reply kinda ties everything together.

The mood that you’re describing in your house…that’s what the reality of a shadi house is in our desi culture. Or at least what I’ve seen. The chehkta, giggly, girls skipping everywhere atmosphere is nothing but Bollywood. This happens in every house when a girl’s rishta is pakkafied. The mood gets somber. Doesn’t matter if the match is arranged, or it’s a love marriage (I hate this term, but I have to use it). It’s only later, when the activities start, when the house gets busy with preparations, when the guests start arriving that everything gets uplifted. Your parents, from the culture they come from, are saying good bye to their daughter. That in itself is a tragedy. At the same time, they’ve got a million and one things they have to worry about now. Their daughter’s reputation, arranging a hall, the cards, the clothes, gifts etc etc. And that’s enough to depress any sane person, let alone the parents of a girl. Unfortunately, you’ll have to deal with it all. I don’t know what your family dynamics are, and I’m not sure if you’ve got siblings or not, but now the onus is on you guys to uplift the mood of the house. You have to distract and cheer up your parents. They will resist. Oh goodness will they ever, but believe me, they will also appreciate your attempts at trying to cheer them up a bit.

As for the restrictions and curfew and everything, that’s nothing but a #desigirlproblem](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=desigirlproblem) . We have to tell our parents, especially our moms, where we are going and how long we will be going for, and with who we are going. Regardless of the fact that our moms know our entire social circle, it still happens. That’s something that you will not be getting rid of ever, no matter how old your own kids get. You just have to simply deal with it. BTW, if in the future you ever will be living with your in-laws, forever how brief of the time, just remember, this line of questioning (where are you going, how long are you going for, when will you get back) will still haunt you even then. There is no escape.

As for your friends, you’re right, in the past the expectation was that once a girl gets married, she forgets everything from her past life. Her family, her friends etc. But in this day and age this isn’t possible and it isn’t advisable either. But, do you really want to leave your parents house and move into the next phase of your life on a sour note with your parents? I’ve personally seen best friends sabotaging their bride-friend’s upcoming nuptials, with their own tantrums and demands. Why? Who know. Jealousy? Regrets? Other issues? No idea. I am not saying that God forbid something like that will happen with you and your circle of friends, but perhaps this is what your mom is worried about. She just wants to protect you. The best thing that I can advise you is that you don’t have to mention your friends to your mom all the time. If she wonders about where to get flowers from, instead of saying “I’ll ask my friend” Just say, I’ll try to find out. And leave it at that. Meanwhile, call your friends over to your own house, and together make centerpieces, or address invite or something like that. That way your mom can also see that your friends have nothing but the best of intentions for you and your upcoming marriage.

Remember, just as excited as you are about your own wedding, your parents are excited too for the wedding of their daughter. However, being parents, they’ve got a lot more on their mind, and that unfortunately dampens their spirits and excitement. Your job is to along with arranging your own wedding, is to take care of your parents while you’re still living with them.

Unfortunately, our family dynamics aren’t that great. I don’t know what it is–maybe the lack of family interaction that we all grew up with or what–but there’s very little respect when it comes to siblings or any type of celebration. I honestly don’t remember a single bday or anniversary where there hasn’t been a fight. My siblings aren’t any help. My parents told them they have to fly in for the engagement since it’ll literally be my mom, dad, and me + 70 of the guy’s family…my siblings weren’t happy. My brother was telling his friends that he’s annoyed he has to waste $ flying in for my “stupid engagement” and my sister is equally unhappy with having to come. Yet another reason why I don’t see the point in burning bridges with my friends–I’m not counting on my siblings to be very helpful/festive with anything wedding related when the time comes.

The curfews I’m accustomed to but now they have another aspect of “log kya kahein ge” not even just any people but my IN-LAWS. That whole thing seems far-fetched to me. I don’t know why my in laws would find out how late I was hanging out and with whom. My mom was implying that my friend would somehow tell my fiance to be which is weird.

Yeah, i’ll have to be more careful about the friend thing. The only reason my mom was told that my best friend knew is because she specifically told me to go and ask her where they got certain things for the engagement from and was like “yeah you’re gonna have to tell her you’re engaged. that’s fine”.

I’m not very excited at all. This past week sucked any excitement out of me and I’ve been regretting even bringing this up to my parents in the first place for the past few days. I’m trying to get along with them but I’ve always disliked the weird paranoia and accusations my parents make about me/other people and this is bringing out the worst of them. For now, I’ve just adopted a policy of silence and I’m letting them do what they want. They can get a ring for him they please, if not then we’ll go without one.

[soconfused]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

@Paheli00

Soconfused: I get that the situation sucks...but I'm not sure why you seem so shocked by everything. If I remember right, your dad was acting "weird" even before giving his blessing! What if your dad hadn't said "yes"? What would you be doing now if that had happened? Be grateful that he officially said yes and things are moving forward.

You yourself wrote that your parents have always been obsessive about keeping secrets. So you should not be surprised at all since you've been dealing with this behavior from them all your life. You KNEW that your parents did not want to do an engagement. You knew it would make them unhappy. Yet you allowed your fiancé to push his parents to have one b/c he knew that YOU wanted an engagement. Well, looks like you're getting what you want...an engagement. You did not put a stop to it (ie. tell your fiancé to just leave it alone b/c it'll just make your parents stressed/upset whatever). Well, now you're dealing with the aftermath. Your parents having to deal with a engagement party that they never wanted to begin with but are doing it b/c the boy's family insisted on it (ie. your family already feels like they're being bossed around by his family).

As for the ring and other material stuff....let them buy whatever the heck they want. If you and your fiancé do well enough in school and get into high-paying specialties....b/t the two of you the household income will EASILY be $500K+. Once you two start earning, buy whatever ring you want. Given your parents attitude (which has been there WAY before they said yes to this rishta), ring or any other material things are not worth the argument.

Look, I really do get it. This whole thing sucks b/c its nothing how you imagined your wedding preparation. My engagement/wedding time sucked too b/c of both sets of parents. Welcome to adulthood! Reality doesn't always turn out how we want it to be. Keep in mind that its not too late for your parents to pull a stunt and back out of this whole thing. So if I were you, I would stay focused on that fact that you're getting to marry the guy you want, and do everything possible not to annoy your parents until the wedding is done.

As for your friends, if you've known them for 20+ years, and they're really close to you...then they should've already heard by now that your parents are a little crazy. If they choose to end a life-long friendship b/c you kept your mouth shut per your parents wishes about the engagement.....then you should really think about how strong that friendship was to begin with.

BTW, perhaps I missed it but when is the wedding?

The thing with the engagement is that the reason my in-laws planned one is that when they were here visiting, they expressed desire to do one because they wanted to announce it to their extended family/social circle. My parents were more than fine with that and my dad reassured his father that we could do it however they want because they have the larger family/social circle. And the mom called 2-3x to verify with my mom that everything was okay with having a small engagement and my mom gave no indication to me/anyone else that that wasn't okay and that she wasn't excited...until recently. That's the confusing part, they're still doing everything (I didn't bring up the Tiffany's ring at all...they did) but it's all with snarky remarks on the side. I even told my mom that we didn't need to do an engagement when it was first brought up, but my mom said that that's stupid and that she thinks we SHOULD have something and I don't know what I'm talking about and this is how it works, etc etc.

The ring and stuff wasn't my doing. In fact, my fiance had specifically said that he wasn't planning on wearing a ring till the wedding so we don't need to get him one till then. But my parents are insisting. They're also insisting on buying the family presents/clothes which is fine, but then they stress out because they didn't get them when they were in Pakistan a week ago...when they knew this was happening. I just feel like they're sabotaging themselves and then stressing out about things that could've been prevented.

I get that I should be grateful that my parents said yes and that they can say no and it'll be the end of it--and I am, don't get me wrong--but it's disheartening and stressful to have that threat looming over me the entire time.

Like you said, I should've expected this because my parents' behavior has been similar in the past. I don't know why I posted this, you're right. I was just frustrated because I didn't think this is how it works in other families and it's even worse because my fiance to be's family is ecstatic and super excited/happy and he's always asking me why he doesn't get the impression that my family is on the same page.

My friends aren't aware of the dynamics in my family because I've always made sure that my family drama was kept away from the public. They'll understand, I don't think that they'll end a friendship with me over that but my parents' plan is to tell them like a month before the wedding which is fine for them but not something I'd be happy with doing. I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I'd want to tell my friends before then...that's part of the excitement. In any case, most people still don't know because I don't want it spreading.

Wedding dates aren't set in stone yet but we're looking at June 2015 or July 2015.

[Sara516]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Man even your siblings are being unsupportive? that really sucks.

im sorry I hope things get better for you.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Sounds like my mom

[Sara516]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

it's so weird, for a culture that's desperate to get girls married off like ours, parents sure do act crazy

[StrangeOne]

Re: Is this normal parental behavior?

Maybe they are really worried about the log kya kahein gay aspect from their own community, relatives and they want to keep you looking as respectable as possible in case people do malign your character for choosing the guy yourself. You might not hear the comments but they'll probably hear a couple of veiled comments their way.

My parents too join the bipolar express when I'm making big decisions. My parents say no to something and then a couple of days later my mother tells me I should have protested more if I really wanted it.. wut? That pissed me off way more then my parents saying no.

Lowering your expectations is the only way forward. These little issues won't even be relevant when you get married.