Is this acceptable in a relationship?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Say you’re married to someone from Pakistan, and you’re either from the States/UK/Canada/Europe and so on and so on.

A lot of guys have financial responsibilities in Pakistan e.g. family (mum/dad/unmarried siblings).

Is it acceptable for a guy to say to his wife sorry I cannot support both households in Pakistan and in the UK so you’ll have to pay the mortgage etc for the home in the UK?

My friend recently came to me with this and I personally cannot see it as acceptable, so have said she must speak to her parents/in-laws and sort it out. It’s been going on for a year but she has been given her notice at work and is fearing the financial burden until she finds a new job.

I personally think a couple should deal with things together, however she says her husband feels obliged to fund his family abroad. Now without getting into a frenzy folks, the guy is supporting the following (all of which I do not agree with, however I’m wondering if this is because I’m thinking with a western mind…someone out there maybe able to shed light on it):

he sends £1K (around 1 lakh rupees) a month to Pakistan to fund the below (and of course bills):

500 rupee top-ups on an every other day basis on mobiles for all the family

he pays for his nieces and nephews to go to private english schools (his sisters kids-his sister is married but won’t live with her in-laws because they live in a village area so lives with her parents for the majority of the week and only sees her husband over the weekend)

his sisters lavish requirements e.g. 2 new suits a week (!!!) as well as paying for them to have cars with drivers

They don’t cook at home-they only get food from restaurants-the only food ever cooked in the house is cooked for guests by their maasi…(maid)

they also pay for a maasi to do the cleaning, another maasi to so the laundry and one who occasionally comes to do the cooking during ramadan and Eid.

All these expenses have started since my friends husband came to the UK, without her even knowing he’s taken out debt with family to pay for the cars and so on.

Their UK bills are quite high, and not only has she asked me what I would do she’s asked if I plan to return to work after maternity and could I possibly put in a word with my employer if I don’t plan to do go back so she can apply for my job (that’s how desparate she is).

To top it off he pays for his sisters bro-in-laws expenses whilst he is ‘working’ in England! (that’s a separate budget to the £1,000).

Is it me or are these expenses not his responsibility? I have no plans to walk in to my friends house shouting the odds, but for my own knowledge is this the cultural norm for those who have a spouse from Pakistan living in the West where is seems some feel money grows on trees?!

My friend doesn’t have any children, and unfortunately is struggling to concieve (maybe it’s the stress, Allah knows best).

I plan to stick to my advice of her talking to her parents about it. Should I say anything else?

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

its NOT his responsibility and she should talk to her parents as soon as possible. seems to me the husband's family is exploiting him to the hilt!

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

was this an arranged marriage or luv mariage and how long did they know each other b4 mwrriage took place?

4

Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

Firstly, this isn't cultural norm at all. This is just one of those cases where the guy is being a selfish twat.

A wife is not obliged to pay for ANYTHING in a marriage. Now considering the times, some wives choose to support their husbands which is fair enough, if they're happy and aren't forced to, then sweet, Allah will reward them and if you wanna take religion out, she's just being a helpful wife. Now in this situation, he's got a whole lot of expenses he's not supposed to upkeep. His wife is being burdened with non-compulsory responsibility and duress!

He's being an insensitive and very selfish idiot by making his wife pay for the mortgage while his family lives a 'lavish lifestyle' in Pakistan. If they could afford it, then whatever, its not a big deal. But since they cannot, her best bet is to discuss is with the husband and explain that she can't be the sole provider for their household. It is his responsibility. End of.

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

It seems to me like the guy is being used and exploited...but he doesnt seem to mind. In fact, he thinks this is all his job. I dont think so.

Tell her not to go back to work and stay home...if the house goes it goes. If he doesnt care, she shouldnt either.

6

Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

The husband is supposed to be a goldmine, not wife. He should pay for everything for everyone around him.

7

Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

Wow, he IS being exploited. His family may not be aware of his financial situation, which is why their demands are so high.

He should negotiate with them a reasonable amount so that they can support both his family and their own.

(Money is a trickyyy issue)

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

NO it is not acceptable in a relationship............its not the wife's responsiblity.........she needs to tell him she is not going to have a job pretty soon and he needs to figure out what to do.......his family is going to have to make compromises

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

girls are supposed to be gold diggers...but unfortunately it seems most pakistani guys are the ones using briish asian girls as thr meal tickets.
.( no offense to the good guys )
religiously, morally and socially what he is doing is wrong
1.he is unneccesarily burdening his wife and thus spoiling his relationship
2.he is spoiling the relationship between his sister and her husband .

He should send x amount of money to his parents ONLY who are his responsiblity,calculated by there minimum needs on a monthly basis ie food rent medicines..anything else is classed as luxury...which he should send every now and then(eid) as gifts...

This guy is being taken for a ride ...or he is taking his wife for a ride,either way it should stop..

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

girls are supposed to be gold diggers...but unfortunately it seems most pakistani guys are the ones using briish asian girls as thr meal tickets.
.( no offense to the good guys )
religiously, morally and socially what he is doing is wrong
1.he is unneccesarily burdening his wife and thus spoiling his relationship
2.he is spoiling the relationship between his sister and her husband .

He should send x amount of money to his parents ONLY who are his responsiblity,calculated by there minimum needs on a monthly basis ie food rent medicines..anything else is classed as luxury...which he should send every now and then(eid) as gifts...

This guy is being taken for a ride ...or he is taking his wife for a ride,either way it should stop..

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

.

12

Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

It was an arranged marriage. When details were being ironed out it was decided she (my friend) would not work.

The husband has cut his hours back (!!!) from full time to part time saying the work (in a call centre) is not what he is qualified for (he's a qualified engineer) and he finds the work mind numbing.

Reha, I was thinking of suggesting that too. I'm just worried it may add more pressure on her in the marriage? I understand where you are coming from totally.

Her brother-in-law (who played a part in the arranging) is aware of the expenditure in Pakistan and has justified the support of their sisters is due to the fact their husbands don't earn enough to keep their sisters in a reasonable standard of living. To that I would reply well you shouldn't have approved their ristaas, but hey, what do I know I'm a Brit.

Curious Lady-when her husband was purchasing stuff for Pakistan things got a bit heated. Her husband sends everything from the UK-children's cough syrup, sanitory towels (always brand-nothing cheap), soap etc. She suggested they sent own brand stuff, he said there wasn't any point in sending stuff if it wasn't a brand. They only use brands that are international-I wasn't even aware that Mothercare etc were available in Pakistan! So trying to control the situation/neg it isn't possible, not at this stage.

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

The guy is not being used or exploited...its actually the wife who is being used/exploited by her husband.

the guy is a real jerk here & the issue can easily be solved but he doesnt seem to want that....I dont know how the guys family suddenly became status conscious (using everything imported/branded etc) after his marriage....after all they were living a life before his marriage as well

she should have a serious talk with him as this cant go on forever

what about his visa status??

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

If I was your friend I would be totally livid at this situation!! First of all his family are not used to this standard of living since they only had these demands after he went abroad. They don't NEED top up every other day, his sisters don't NEED new clothes every week!! If his sister is so desperate to educate her children at a private school then why doesn't her husband fund this? Or his family?

It's beyond me how her BIL can justify his sisters expenditure by saying that their husbands don't earn enough to sustain their lifestyle. If he had any sense he would tell his sisters to live within their means. Your friend should call up the sisters and tell them due to her husband funding their lifestyle she is suffering financially... or better still call up the sisters husbands and tell them to be financially responsible for their own spouse because the burden is affecting her marriage.

There are some legitimate expenses for which it's ok for a husband to contribute financially but these are not it. Your friend shouldn't stress herself about paying the mortgage here. Either they both share the expenses or let him deal with it. She should also remind him that raising a child costs money and that he should consider this and start saving money instead of sending money for top up and take away meals every month.

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

to me this story seems a little bit exaggerated but IF he is doing it, he has to rethink his priorities. wife has to talk to him on regular basis just cutting it off at once "bus aap paisey nahi bhaijeen gaaay" will take them no where.

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

with everyone calling the guya jerk, its true he is, hwoever maybe hes being bullied by his family at home, he needs to stand up to them.
if he isnt beng bullied, and is doing all this because he wants to, wife needs t talk to him. either way wife needs to stop paying mortgage , and if she is make sure house is in her name.

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

OMG!!! This is how people used to support their families back home 20 years ago. Its totally horrible and i pity that woman who has to bear all this. My mother went through the same situation in some early years of her marriage and she was totally unhappy. I recently heard that a couple got seperated after 3 months of marriage because the guy sent all the money he earned to pakistan. The guys responsibilty is just his parents and not his married sisters and THEIR brothers in law and definitely not to keep them in luxury. Its the fault of these kind of people that folks back home think that money grows on trees and we are royalties.. WRONG WRONG WRONG.. we work our ass off to make a decent living... pay taxes, mortgage, bills, keep up with the high food prices and in the end left with barely a few hundred pounds of saving and that too not every month. Once u have kids the expenses are doubled and if u have relatives in pak habitual of large sums of money every month then u are in deep deeep sh*t.

She needs to talk to him about it and put some sense into him that this is not the way you support ur family. She is his family too and if she is not happy then he shud buzz off!!! For me its totally unacceptable that he is paying for drivers and private education and the two suits a week NEEDS. God!!!!!!

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

This guy and his family in PK are having a sick joke with thie woman. I feel so sorry for her. Why should he support the family back in PK, OK basic needs for the parents is acceptable, but to pay for the driver, mobile phone, the SISTERS childs private education etc...that is just absurd. I wouldn't stand for this no way!!!! His firts responsibility is his wife , not the family over there for gods sake!!! He has put them in a bad habit and this will only get worse over time, they will beomce so dependant on him for financial support that even if they can afford things they will always have their hands out towards him.
This guy should think that in the furutre when he does have his own family then what will he do? His firts and foremost priority is his wife and kids. Some people in Pakistan think that money really does fall from the skies in other countries..aarrgghh I am angry!!!

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

No, it's not acceptable, it's taking the p*ss.. Doesn't seem that uncommon tho :(

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Re: Is this acceptable in a relationship?

This is in no way normal. I know of many cases my family included where the male does support both his wife and kid and parents and maybe sisters if they are single/ widowed and have no income. However, the support is never at the expense of his wife and children ie he should provide for both families to the best of his abilities.

It is really unfair for your friend to HAVE to pay for her home. That is her husbands responsibility and if she chooses to help out that's a different thing. It makes no sense that he's paying for his married sisters expenses? That's her husbands job.