Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

[Sorrow]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

Sorry but you make your husband sound like a complete retard. Like only an immature kid would act in this way.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not…what is it?

exactly

@redvelvet

Yes, you are right. You’re definitely on to something. This habit of playful/offensive tickling might be a recessive gene that skips a generation. Freud might have said that the tickling and smacking is reflective of sexual frustration.

The OP must not waste precious time. She should hurry and register on www.ancestry.com to get to the bottom of things. This is the only way for her to preserve marriage.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@redvelvet

Try strategic kicking. That way he wont be able to smack you 3-4 times.....well at least not right away.

Tell him you were only playing. Then manaaaao him with tickling.

Or mimic his behavior.....but at the most imoppurtune times. Like tickle him silly when he is on the phone with his boss. Or slap his bum and playfully call him your b#%#@.....in front of his mommy.

Not funny. frankly, I'm surprised at you, you always dispense great advice and take things seriously. I am not a troll, if that's what you're thinking.

and if you were serious..well these are the worst things I can do. when he's on the phone, he gives me the death stare to be quiet and not be in the room, if I slap him on the bottom, he'll slap me back more..

@Apricot

this is disturbing,in a weird way..

How?

@redvelvet

True...but makes for a funny picture inside my head.

I'm glad my troubles make a fu

@Naabigh

Mind it - if your hubby is younger then you .. you might end up facing a trial for child abuse :)

If you have nothing to contribute then why are you posting? It may be a joke to you but it's not funny to me.

@khawateen

Some ppl just have this exsessive need to touch....uts highly annoying. I have a desi friend who cant get a sentence inwithout slapping on the back or cheek etc of the person she is talking to....its just....u want to beat her with a soccer cleat! I dont know what to suggest though.... Since telling him off doesnt make him stop. Maybe diss his i tellectuality by saying something along the lines of....only frustrated ppl use hands to express....other more clever ppl use words.

thank you for actually taking this seriously. the funny thing is, he hates to be touched...he hates being touched or anything. anything I say, he laughs at it and says stop trying to be smart. sometimes he can be funny and joke around, but sometimes he takes it too far, unfortunately when I tell him he took it too far he doesn't take it nicely.

@hareem01

nothing wrong with slaps on the bum but pinching and tickling? that's just so annoying. why don't you start hitting him back with a shoe or something?

Because hitting with a shoe, to me, is abuse/assault. and as I already explained...if I hit back , I get hit back 10-fold.

[Jolie]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

Is it still a new marriage?

If you don't mind telling, how old are you two?

[STA]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

i think your husband was under bad situation when he was child.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@Jolie

Is it still a new marriage?

If you don't mind telling, how old are you two?

We've been married 6 years, the "hitting" has been happening for last 2. before that it was still playful and cheerful but not as often as it is now...and now its just aggressive too.
I'm 27 and he's 35.

We had the argument last night, after a while I calmed down and we both went to sleep...except he's still angry as hell and he said he wont' talk to me any more, he's sick of me etc. Everytime we fight, he gets like this, he will never the 1st one to approach to talk to me, instead I end up begging him to talk to me. When I'm wrong, I don't think its wrong for me to make the 1st move, but I don't understand why he's so angry, especially when I didn't do anything wrong except scream once..just once I screamed and he said he never wants to hear my voice again and he's sick of me.

[STA]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

why dont you have any children yet?

[Sara516]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@STA

why dont you have any children yet?

Why is that any of your business?

[STA]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@Sara516

Why is that any of your business?

may be hitting is related to it.

[Gemini_the_Great]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

I think this is sad and wrong at many levels.. if it hurts you, it's a physical abuse.. so do you always yell back or have you tried talking to him calmly? if the talking isnt working, let him know that you are worried and this concerns you very much in case it leads you further abuse.. and that you will not take it!!!

if he gets angry, upset, stops talking to you.. so be it!! Dont give up until you have proven your point.. I have a feeling that he is getting away with it because you are letting him.. stop it before it gets worse!

[Disney_Princess]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

One thing may lead to another; today he jokingly punched you, tomorrow he may really lash out and cause bruises, broken bones, etc.

I think it's good you told him that it must stop - so what if he's angry with you for a few days?? Sooner or later he will have to talk to you (unless things are really bad, which I don't think they are). If he gives you the silent treatment, then so be it, I would tell you to stick to your guns on this one and not back down. It is the only way he will know that what he is doing is unacceptable. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but harsh times call for harsh measures.

As for the silly replies in this thread - well I thought some knew better, but obviously not.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@STA

may be hitting is related to it.

Like above poster said....its none of your business why we don't have kids and it's not relevant. Neither is not having a kid a reason to hit!

@Gemini_the_Great

I think this is sad and wrong at many levels.. if it hurts you, it's a physical abuse.. so do you always yell back or have you tried talking to him calmly? if the talking isnt working, let him know that you are worried and this concerns you very much in case it leads you further abuse.. and that you will not take it!!!

if he gets angry, upset, stops talking to you.. so be it!! Dont give up until you have proven your point.. I have a feeling that he is getting away with it because you are letting him.. stop it before it gets worse!

I talk calmly, he doesnt take it seriously
I talk in a light hearted way, he thinks I'm joking or not serious.
I scream, and he gets the point but now won't talk to me and is angry that I screamed so loudly.

so....as it was inevitable, this fight led to a bigger one, and still many of the deeper issues came out...

[Reha]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

I think you should train him to understand his limits without actually saying things...be subtle about it but definitely do something.

If I run into someone who is into the whole hitting/smacking thing, I never laugh along with it. Its encouraging to them and they think they can push further. So, when he starts the hitting just stop laughing or make the situation uncomfortable for him to continue further with his joke. Slowly, he will get it that you're serious but not angry about it. Meaning, its not something you find funny enough for him to continue...you're not laughing.

I used to have a friend who did this and what I started doing is bringing it up jokingly..."tumse to baat karna azaab hai...maar peet shuru kardeti ho...maaf karo". I would say with a laugh...slowly she got it. Havent been bruised since!

[Sehrysh]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

Not being respected and having your physical person or your opinions undermined is a manifestation of abuse or at least an unequal relationship, and there is something unhealthy about such a relationship.

It is so typical of men to smack their wive's back or butts, I don't think of that as abuse. BUT, there is a such thing as going too far and the person who is on the receiving end of the physical touches has a right to tell the other person when they're not comfortable with the physical touches and their wishes should be respected.

[KayZ]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@mangostrawberry

Salam, I'd just like to start with a disclaimer: I am not a troll, I am a user using a different nickname to protect my "privacy." If someone has a serious issue with me using another nick....well may God help you then. I know there are others here who can objectively judge a situation and actually provide decent advice...

now getting to the title, this is a situation that I feel is in varying shades of gray, it's not exactly black and white.

By most standards, my husband is a good husband--he's available for me all the time, he works and pays the bills, and we live by ourselves, not in a joint family. He doesnt' stop me from meeting my friends or family and he never forced me to "serve" his family members, like I read about here and hear from my friends who are married...We've been married for 6 years and we have no kids.

What's bothering me, that's triggering this post is that he hits me...alot. now before you all jump at this...please continue reading! He smacks me on various body parts, there's pinching, flicking, as well as tickling to get what he wants or just for hte hell of it...I know the last bit about the tickling sounds a little ridiculous but, well, there you go.

I can understand these things happening once in a while, but they happen on an almost daily basis and it really annoys me...on the surface, it hurts physically, but on a deeper level....it makes me feel that my "no" isn't important..

We had an incident today and I screamed at him to stop. It made him pretty angry, and it led to a huge argument between us. he said he does it out of playfulness and not anger his issue was with my tone, that I screamed so loudly and that its not like he uses wood or steel or anything solid to hit me with.

I responded that he does it all the time nad it really does hurt...even if it doesn't leave bruises. I have told him several times in plain English to stop doing it but he never took it seriously.

His responses were that I'm too "soft", I should be tougher, I'm not bruised and if I push him enough he'll show me real anger/hitting...and now that I've finally made myself clear, he'll never touch me again. The reason I'm so worried? He follows through on what he says. He goes on extremes, either he has to be "free" to say and do whatever, or he'll never do it again.

I said why do I have to bruise to show that it hurt? he believes that because I laugh when I'm being tickled it must be okay.

Now I feel pretty ridiculous about posting this because he never does hit me out of anger, but I'm really tired of the pinching, slaps, etc. More so i feel it just stems from deeper issues...that anything I say is not important and not taken seriously....becuase I"ve said many times that I don't like it but he never listened..and when I finally made myself heard, he calls me a lunatic and that he's sick and tired of me because I'm so crazy and scream like that.

Otherwise, I've looked up emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse...and even though it is physical with those little pinches and smacks......I don't consider it to be physical abuse....I just don't know what it is. Any tips, words of advice, is all welcome.

couldnt read it all but "Saat Khoon Muaf" daikhi hay aap nay ? This reminds me of the Poet in that movie :)

[partyslims]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not…what is it?

This is really sad. If you’ve told him no, then he should respect that. There should be no justification on his part. I really hope he stays to his word and doesn’t do it again, but if it continues, then yes, it is a form of physical abuse. I’m really sorry to hear this. I could never raise a hand to a woman, it absolutely disgusts me hearing about things like this.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@Disney_Princess

One thing may lead to another; today he jokingly punched you, tomorrow he may really lash out and cause bruises, broken bones, etc.

I think it's good you told him that it must stop - so what if he's angry with you for a few days?? Sooner or later he will have to talk to you (unless things are really bad, which I don't think they are). If he gives you the silent treatment, then so be it, I would tell you to stick to your guns on this one and not back down. It is the only way he will know that what he is doing is unacceptable. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but harsh times call for harsh measures.

As for the silly replies in this thread - well I thought some knew better, but obviously not.

Yeah. during normal times, I would think, oh its just a silent treatment...no big deal. but now I know how much it hurts. and more so, it makes me angry that he's angry at the fact that I "screamed" it so loudly. I cooled down and was ready to let go but I noticed he was still angry today and that made ME upset that why he has any right to be angry because I told him not to do something. So we just kept going around and around in circles with tht argument.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

@Reha

I think you should train him to understand his limits without actually saying things...be subtle about it but definitely do something.

If I run into someone who is into the whole hitting/smacking thing, I never laugh along with it. Its encouraging to them and they think they can push further. So, when he starts the hitting just stop laughing or make the situation uncomfortable for him to continue further with his joke. Slowly, he will get it that you're serious but not angry about it. Meaning, its not something you find funny enough for him to continue...you're not laughing.

I used to have a friend who did this and what I started doing is bringing it up jokingly..."tumse to baat karna azaab hai...maar peet shuru kardeti ho...maaf karo". I would say with a laugh...slowly she got it. Havent been bruised since!

I wish I had asked this before we fought, maybe it wouldn't have been such an ugly confrontation.

[mangostrawberry]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not…what is it?

@Sehrysh

Not being respected and having your physical person or your opinions undermined is a manifestation of abuse or at least an unequal relationship, and there is something unhealthy about such a relationship.

It is so typical of men to smack their wive’s back or butts, I don’t think of that as abuse. BUT, there is a such thing as going too far and the person who is on the receiving end of the physical touches has a right to tell the other person when they’re not comfortable with the physical touches and their wishes should be respected.

that’s the thing, if it happened only sometimes I could let it go…and Im hesitant to slap the “abuse” label on it, because I know he’s not doing it out of anger. but sometimes he does do it to get what he wants and I’m not willing to give in..Ugh I dont know

[Aish]

Re: Is this abuse? and if not....what is it?

You can say hey im sorry I yelled at you that was my bad. But...I'm smaller than you and sometimes when you playfully hit me it really hurts. Try to calmly talk to him now and see if he understands your perspective

If he was really just being playful then your reaction to him mightve been embarrassing for him, you know what I mean?

I'm sure he got the message now so you don't have to worry about him doing that to you anymore, but guys should realize the difference between a friend and a wife. You can't wrestle and horse around like you do with your "boys" with your wife. They just don't know their limits sometimes