Is there any hope ?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi all,

3 years ago i met a Pakistani guy at my university and from that day onwards, he asked me out and has never left me alone since.
Eventually about after a year of his pestering ( it paid off finally lol) i gave in and since then we have been a couple . I myself am not Pakistani but my parents are from Tajikistan . Right from the beginning i made it clear to him that i am only interested in this relationship if once he graduates we will get married otherwise there is no point wasting my time or his in a pointless bf/gf relationship. He promised me that he will make me his wife.

His family are quite modern and when i met him he did not pray nor fast , except rarely. I myself come from a practising family and after a while he began fasting in Ramadan and praying everyday because of my influence. Alhamdulillah he is a good decent man and he always sticks to his word.

He graduated 6 months ago, and since then has been trying to convince his mother to come ask for my hand with his father, his father is fine with this marriage but his mother is so ANTI - NON PAKI WIFE for his son , she won’t even sit in the same room if he brings the topic up.

The relationship between him and his mother was never good , there were quite distant and did not talk much at all. However lately, the issue of me and him has resulted in a lot of fights between himself and his mother, her main reason being ‘shes not pakistani, your kids won’t speak the language, your my only son i want a paki daughter in law’ etc etc

It has come down to this; my bf has suggested when he can afford it we will have to go off and have the wedding ourselves and leave it up to the mother if she would like to attend or not , but he trusts his father will attend.

My question is is there any hope in once we do get married the mother comes around and accepts us or will she forever hold a grudge against her son .

I don’t care if she hates me forever, i’ve given up any hope in her for myself but it pains me to see my bf become estranged from his mother as no matter how impossible she is , she is still his mother and there should always be a relationship between them .

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated

Jazakallakhair

2

Re: Is there any hope ?

Let him sort out this with his mother.

No need to lose hope yet.

His mother does have a point as being a mother and you two have your valid reason to live together. No one is absolutely wrong here.

The end result depends on whoever wins in convincing other.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

the first advice i wanna give here is that in your marriage both yours and his parents should be involved. so discourage him when he says "we'll do the wedding and leave it up to my mother if she wanna attend or not". this way the dude will think that u care for his mom and he will have more respect for you.

apart from that meet his mother and very tactfully and nicely explain her that "i maynot be a pakistani, i may not know the language (urdu) but your son knows the language so he will teach it when ever we are gonna have kids and meanwhile i will also start learining the language...i may not be a pakistani but i am good muslim and surely will be a good wife and a mother"....

she has not met you or has not spoken to you yet so maybe this meeting changes the view of you.

inshallah it will work out for you...ameen sum ameen.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

After my husband to be spoke to my mother and father numerous times i decided i should talk to the mother too , although my bf strongly recommended against it saying she is not rational or civil person but i called her up anyway and it didnt go well at all , she screamed her son will be going to pakistan to get married and told me to shut-up LOL, i don't think she is the type that can be reasoned with on the grounds of religion or even her sons happiness..... this has been going on for a while now and of-course it would be nice to have a wedding with her attendance but it really is the last resort we have come down to.

5

Re: Is there any hope ?

Reality check:

When initial love period is over.........things change a lot.

The problem here is that the man has to be strong in these kind of marriages and some men are not. Especially if they love their mothers strongly and can't take the opposition for long.

Girl has to be extra nice to him knowing he gave up for her his relation with his mother.

Boy feels he deserve more attention from his wife since he gave up so much.

Girl may not learn his ways and if she does, she expects him to be extra nice to her.

Boy gets tired of speaking to her in her language or to his own kids (if the culture is important to him)

A little bit of dispute among couples and eventually the marriage gets dissolved.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

the past 6 months have been really tough and it definitely feels like the so called 'love' period is already over, i've given him many opportunities to leave ,and for him to marry whoever his mum wants if that would make everyone happier but he says even if he married a woman of her choice she would create problems and eventually push her away too (apprently she does that alot even to her own family members) so he's decided to marry whoever he wants and deal with the consequences whatever they may be ...... he came from pakistan when he was 3 to US so language isn't an issue ......

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Re: Is there any hope ?

Oh!

Sad to hear.

So that's it? He gave up?

8

Re: Is there any hope ?

You should care if your future mother in law hates you! It is important. Your bf is always going to be her son no matter what.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

no he hasn't given up on us if thats what your referring to and yes initially i did care about my future MIL feelings towards me but what can I do if she doesn't want to know me nor talk to me . Personally he is enough for me regardless of his mothers acceptance and the fact that his mother and me will not have a relationship means i will not talk to her she will not talk to me , preventing any further dramas from escalating.

Inshallah it all works out to the best in the end .

10

Re: Is there any hope ?

You shoulda listened to your BF when he said dont call her.

No impression is better than a bad impression - especially with elders because they remember everything.

Now, there is a huge possibility that after you have a child she decides that this her only chance to be a dadi (grandmother from dad's side) and she needs to get over herself. She might mellow out then.

At this point though, I would have no expectations of love or even civility from her. In her mind, she has already envisioned you as the foreigner who snatched her only son away from her.

The only thing you can do to help your BF is to always be kind to his mother and prove her wrong. This will take a toll on your relationship if you let it. Meaning eventually your BF might get frustrated after you guys are married because he will be caught between the woman he married and the woman who gave birth to him.

Realize that by default, you will always have to be the bigger person. Have no expectations from her and just do your best.

11

Re: Is there any hope ?

yeah and the bf himself says she's going to hate whomever he marries, even if it's her own choice......and kids tend to know their parents pretty well. Some women are just pathetic like that.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

Good luck for both of you!

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Re: Is there any hope ?

I know Pakistani couples whose kids cannot speak a word in Urdu so his mother's point is very weak. He needs to have a chat with his mother alone, talk to her and ask her why she is against it? The guy should tell her that she is there, his father is there, the guy himself is there to make sure his kids learn Pakistani culture as well.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

You told that he and his mother do not have a strong bond , that scares his mother and she hopes that she might develop a strong bond with his kids . But who know what future holds. You two should try to convince her using all means which are humanly possible if she still does not agree then I agree with your bf about having wedding on his own and on his own terms. She will give in finally and love you and him for what you two are .

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Re: Is there any hope ?

his mother will never let you live happily.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

i married a non pakistani and intially my father was against it. it was only after he relented just to meet him and his family that he fell in love with them as well =).

He saw how happy I was that I chose a good person and a good family, and who, despite them not being pakistanis, were somewhat similar other ways.

A phone call wasn't the best idea to talk to your future MIL. Face to face with your man also present would be the best approach, I would think.

Maybe the both of you can pray both Salatul Istikhara and Salatul Hajat for Allah SWT to guide and help you.

17

Re: Is there any hope ?

Yes inshAllah our only hope is the father convinces his wife. I just find this whole situation extremely sad that the marriage of one muslim to another faces such strong opposition and is the cause of family drama. How far removed from our true Islamic roots have we become that race has now preceded over our Iman to who we can be partnered with ? Please keep us in your duas . Jazaks

18

Re: Is there any hope ?

Umm, we have issues marrying across provinces, you're a different nationality/culture all together.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

Very bold words but true.

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Re: Is there any hope ?

^not bold at all. simple facts.