See your quoted post below. I'm having difficulty quoting properly from mob.
i think you have misread people's views. What most are saying is it's impossible to feel "love" in the first or second meeting but it requires a couple to experience life's good and bad together which may or may not be before / after marriage. Nobody said physical attraction is unimportant. Offcourse one has to be satisfied how they feel about someone physically but they may not notice or "feel" & should not expect to notice / feel anything in the first meeting. But if a couple has a history together, that means they already are in a relationship whether or not they lived together under one roof as a couple. So when there is a history, there will naturally be attachment / bond between them making them decide to marry eachother. But here the OP is looking for that attachment/bond/love in the first meeting especially when there is dissatisfaction about physical appearance.
Yes everyone has their own preferences. But if a person meets all the preferences but turns out to be a bad human or silly or weak, unable to handle life's circumstances with wisdom, won't such a marriage be disaster? So what good is "waiting" for that "perfect love"? IMO, perfect love is a happy, satisfied, content family, kids with least amount of dramas, foolish decisions. Ultimately, a happy couple / family, in my view, is "true love". An immature, impractical, unwise, bad / evil natured man or woman will only bring disaster, not "love" before or after marriage. So it's best to look for a good natured, wise human as long as that good human does not have a physical trait or habit which is unacceptable to one.
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To me it's a little insulting as well that any love before marriage seems to be classed by some people as "infatuation", not knowing other people's personal situations or what they may or may not have gone thru together..
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I've experienced love and that beautiful kind of love, care, and attraction. How do I forget it. I'm meeting all these men for the sake of marriage, I see them as friends but that love in their eyes isn't there nor do i feel it when i meet with them. I admit i'm not in my early 20s anymore but I don't want to succumb to desperation because if that is the case of me just having the married label on me, then I would prefer not to get married. It's just the fear of never finding love and the fear of never having that beautiful kind of feeling of knowing this person is the one.
I see it in other couples.
It's the same with me...I don't want to settle just for the sake of settling down. Still, my advice would be to keep an open mind when meeting men- attraction grows and so does love and sometimes that is the best, most lasting kind.
But I do know what you mean- there needs to be some chemistry (not just physical, but mental/emotional) there from the get go.
See your quoted post below. I'm having difficulty quoting properly from mob.
**i think you have misread people's views. What most are saying is it's impossible to feel "love" in the first or second meeting but it requires a couple to experience life's good and bad together which may or may not be before / after marriage. **Nobody said physical attraction is unimportant. Offcourse one has to be satisfied how they feel about someone physically but they may not notice or "feel" & should not expect to notice / feel anything in the first meeting. But if a couple has a history together, that means they already are in a relationship whether or not they lived together under one roof as a couple. So when there is a history, there will naturally be attachment / bond between them making them decide to marry eachother. But here the OP is looking for that attachment/bond/love in the first meeting especially when there is dissatisfaction about physical appearance.
Agree with you here but is it possible to keep it halal though if it takes more than a couple meetings? I just feel like it's time wasted if there doesn't seem like a connection.
If by connection you mean 'chemistry'. Then that also you may not feel or should not expect to feel in the first meeting. Meet again only if the person is good natured, you have no disturbing feeling or dissatisfaction about their appearance or some habit which is unacceptable to you about which they admit they can't do without (For me these are smoking & a guy shorter than me). If you have slightest feeling that it may click, meet a few times to discuss marriage. You'll find out soon if the person is serious for marriage or not or have different set of beliefs about marriage and in general. If most things click then it'll work out naturally. Have some understanding or discussion about the things which don't click and stay away from unnecessary doubts, fears, negativity. But if the level of dissatisfaction is more than you can handle then you'll know you don't want to meet again and waste yours and their time.
About whether it can be kept halal, if you want to keep it halal & are wise enough & not meeting the wrong guy unknowingly, nobody can force you to make it un-halal. If someone does, that is a red flag, run as fast as you can. Remember we are humans, not animals. I don't think if you are meeting guys with the intention of marriage and the guy you are meeting is also serious & has good intention of keeping it halal (same beliefs as yours), any of you would behave like animals. Obviously, you both will be wise enough to keep it halal.
If you mean keeping it halal with someone you find most compatible otherwise. Then why prolong the meetings? If you you two are compatible and also serious about marriage, then just marry after 2-3 meetings instead of delaying marriage to find out more about eachother. If such a compatible guy insists on making it un-halal, that itself is a red flag so run. If you fear you can't keep it halal with that compatible guy then simply just marry instead of delaying for unnecessary reasons. Usually the ones insisting you to get physical are the immature, non serious, bollysh!t kinds. If you are not like them, you'll naturally stay away.
Agree with you here but is it possible to keep it halal though if it takes more than a couple meetings? I just feel like it's time wasted if there doesn't seem like a connection.
Sady, someone specifically mentioned needing to live with your partner before being able to fall in love.. I think that's definitely not true for everyone.. There does seem to be this idea that many ppl in our culture have that love before marriage isn't "real" love.. Of course if a person has never been in a relationship before marriage they might think that, just as I might not be able to wrap my head around all the intricacies of an arranged marriage because I personally haven't gone thru it.. But I'm not naive enough to believe one way makes more sense than the other because we're all so different and have different wants and needs..You've described your idea of perfect love.. My idea of it is different.. I personally wanted more intensity and passion in my relationship, as well as getting on well with the person on a day-to-day basis.. I don't see anything wrong with either situation tbh..
Sady, someone specifically mentioned needing to live with your partner before being able to fall in love.. I think that's definitely not true for everyone.. There does seem to be this idea that many ppl in our culture have that love before marriage isn't "real" love.. Of course if a person has never been in a relationship before marriage they might think that, just as I might not be able to wrap my head around all the intricacies of an arranged marriage because I personally haven't gone thru it.. But I'm not naive enough to believe one way makes more sense than the other because we're all so different and have different wants and needs..You've described your idea of perfect love.. My idea of it is different.. I personally wanted more intensity and passion in my relationship, as well as getting on well with the person on a day-to-day basis.. I don't see anything wrong with either situation tbh..
Yes I did say that you need to live with someone AND go through emotional experiences to build love. Not just living. You can live with strangers and not find out anything about them if you want I didn't say that's the only way to fall in love though. If you have a relationship before marriage then yes you can also fall in love. My point was that love doesn't happen in half an hour. It takes time. So if the OP is looking for something in her first few meetings then she probably won't get it. Thats not naive thats just reality. However you don't fully get to know someone unless you live with them. When you live together you can't hide who you are. Everyone always puts on a good front when they just meet someone. It takes a good while to really get comfortable and be yourself. It might happen quicker with other people because obviously different characters and personalities. I only gave my opinion and its based on my own experience. Of course everyone has different experiences and that's why you always get more than just one piece of advice.
LOL at people telling op what shes thinking and what to feel.
OP I wont argue that what you had was love. However, thats not to say that you cant or wont find something better. But it seems like its hard for you to move on. To do that you have to give others a chance. And that doesnt mean opening ur heart to the next tom dick or harry that walks by. Just means getting to know people well enough that u can trust them with the vulnerability that comes with being in a relationship.
If it seems difficult, its because it is. It takes time but your attitude has just as much of an impact. Its important to keep your chin up and let time to do the rest. Also your next love will be better. Not because your new partner is better or worse. Its because you have been through it once and know which mistakes to avoid and how to handle situations for best results.
Its about giving it time and giving new people the opportunity to make you happy. At least thats what ive learnt from my experiences. All the best :)
It might seem strange that i like what some of you have said wholeheartedly even if they are opposite opinions but obviously you speak volumes since you've been through it and you would know what's needed for a strong life partnership to last. I just don't want to be hurt again.
It might seem strange that i like what some of you have said wholeheartedly even if they are opposite opinions but obviously you speak volumes since you've been through it and you would know what's needed for a strong life partnership to last. I just don't want to be hurt again.
Don't look at it like that.
Hurt is a part of development. If you don't hit those speed bumps along the way, you learn nothing.
Deeba, there are plenty of arranged marriages in which the couples have intense and passionate relationship. Yeah it's like what works for some may not work for others. Every situation and every individual is different and there are several ways in which people find their partners. It could be that they meet by themselves or through family or friends. So there is no hard and fast rule in these matters.
BTW, Isn't real love, for all you married folks, the fact that you would still kiss your husband even if he has bad breath after a long day or if he's from a different culture you would totally adapt to his culture like learn about and make recipes from it to make his stomach happy plus passionately dress like them because of your love for him? I would have totally don't all that for him. Just a few examples but I feel like that is when it is love.
With the man I met up with as a potential rishta, I felt like I was being unfaithful to guy I loved before so any gesture by him like we were sitting together waiting for a table at the restaurant, he put his leg right next to mine and inside i was cringing like get the heck away from me as much as I wanted to like him. So yeah I have to seriously recover. I just hate that it's taking so long to get over "love".