When I met my husband (arranged marriage) I thought he was nice polite decent and civilised. He was a nice guy. Did I feel any love? Of course not. Love doesn't happen in half an hour. I started to like him when we got engaged. I fell in love with him after I married him. Love takes time. You need to have to live with someone and go through emotional experiences together to build love. We've been married three years now we have a baby girl and alhumdulillah we love each other very much. I only made dua to Allah and asked Him for a life partner who would love me and respect me and be kind to me and when I married my husband I went into it thinking this is it now, there will be no other for me and I will work at this relationship 110%. Alhumdulillah Allah answers our duas. Anyways the love you have as a couple changes over time too. It changes even more when you have kids. The dynamics change. But it doesn't mean the love is any less just different. Love at first sight I don't believe in. You need to see the good and bad of a person to love them. You see their imperfections and love them anyway.
What about attraction those first couple of times you met? Did you atleast feel that he was handsome so there would be room for attraction in the future?
He was chosen for you by your parents right or was he one of a couple men that you were asked to choose from? I don't understand how arranged marriages work.
You must have felt something when you saw your wife for the first time. Something that told you that this is the woman you want to see and spend everyday of your life. Or did you feel nothing except see the resume/biodata and you said yes to marriage for a lifetime?
Yours is one where both you and your wife just click and match up.
When I first see my wife I'll say "How you doin' ".
You must have felt something when you saw your wife for the first time. Something that told you that this is the woman you want to see and spend everyday of your life. Or did you feel nothing except see the resume/biodata and you said yes to marriage for a lifetime?
Yours is one where both you and your wife just click and match up.
Key difference b/w love marriage and arranged marriage is that in love marriage couple is looking for PRESENCE of love/attraction and in arrange marriage couple first make sure the ABSENCE of red flags and then let relationship get the traction at its own pace.
if you are past your 20s, and still talking like a foolish deluded person...no advice can help you. be practical, not mythical. have the courage to make , build and be loved, and have the patience attain love.
What you experienced once upon a time, you no longer have it. Atleast take up something that is closest to it instead of nothing at all. no brainer as far as I can tell.
^^i never received love but felt it for another person. There's a difference right? What Aaze, Paheli and redvelvet said is absolutely right in that As much as I'm trying to make myself believe that I'm over the man I felt unrequited love for, I'm not and I'm guessing it's going to take another year to recover fully. So I can be entirely open to the next person. I do keep wanting that same look in the eyes and the same smile in another man. It is an indication that I've put him on a pedestal.
It might be a no brainer for someone that's fully over the past but this was my first love(or unrequited love).
Look..the way i look at is this. First love is your first love. But to be fair to "other person"..it is always better to heal from former person. That is because..Allah has created us differently. Your former lovers, for example, the way they comforted you, cheered you up are feeling that as human beings..we are attracted to. So Insha'allah i pray to Allah..you will find someone that you like and desire. And while on that note..lets pray for everyone whoever is looking for good spouses are blessed truly. That is true ne'mahh.
Key difference b/w love marriage and arranged marriage is that in love marriage couple is looking for PRESENCE of love/attraction and in arrange marriage couple first make sure the ABSENCE of red flags and then let relationship get the traction at its own pace.
I don't mind either love or arranged because even with arranged sometimes things just click and you find the right person that matches well when it comes to personality, similarities. What are the red flags that you have seen in other people's situations?
I've never been in love and i don't believe in love at first sight. i think love is something that happens over time as you get to know the person and share experiences with each other. Please don't believe people who say "when I first met her, I knew she was the one" - there is no way they knew that at the first meeting, that was probably just them thinking hey this person is really nice and attractive and I see some potential here. And then it just so happened that everything worked out.
So I would say yes, wait for love, but don't refrain from giving people chances just because you didn't feel a spark at the first meet. Try to get to know them well enough and then make a proper decision of whether you want to go forward.
I've never been in love and i don't believe in love at first sight. i think love is something that happens over time as you get to know the person and share experiences with each other. Please don't believe people who say "when I first met her, I knew she was the one" - there is no way they knew that at the first meeting, that was probably just them thinking hey this person is really nice and attractive and I see some potential here. And then it just so happened that everything worked out.
So I would say yes, wait for love, but don't refrain from giving people chances just because you didn't feel a spark at the first meet. Try to get to know them well enough and then make a proper decision of whether you want to go forward.
I'm not looking for love at first sight stuff at all. I spent close to two years with the guy that I felt "in love" with. But it was not a relationship but more of a situation of me being in immense pain and he was more of a therapist that took me out of that pain. Classic case of patient falling in love with her psychiatrist. I mistook the constant care and motivation to recover as something more which wasn't the same for him. Anyways, now i'm just trying to move ahead and trying to find the same kindness and peacefulness I saw in his eyes which is very hard for any other man to duplicate......
There's no way to press that fast forward button so I can get over all that so i'm going to put all my efforts into self improvements and reaching out to others.
I did try to get to know this new guy. Tell me, if you're a guy would you really wear a worn out shirt and jeans that you would wear to fix stuff around the house when you meet a potential rishta for marriage. Keep in mind you aren't the superficial type but atleast make some effort to make a good first in person impression right?
I think your views about "finding love" are quite impractical & more like in silly TV dramas / films. Life is not a flick so you need to be realistic. As long as there isn't something completely off putting in a guy, don't reject just because you don't "feel love". As someone above said, love doesn't happen in minutes, hours or days but when people go through life's ups & downs together, that binds them together emotionally creating that "attachment" which people name "love". So as long as the negatives / weaknesses of personalities present in either are not too bad or unacceptable, usually the couples stay together. You'll never feel that "love" with anyone in the first meeting so don't fool yourself. If you meet a nice human who doesn't have habits which are unacceptable to you or can't be changed. Like, for example, I don't like smokers & guys shorter than me (among few other things). I'm 5.9ft with my heels & cigarette smoke gets to my head making me feel sick So I avoid meeting such guys or politely make some excuse if I do meet them without knowing. Also I'm slightly bossy, alpha type so a guy suitable for me will have to be less dominating.
it is better to look for a wise & good human than unrealistic, mythical "love" because a good human tends to be fair & wise in all his decisions & treatment of other humans. Same goes for women. So after you're satisfied with outer appearance, look for a good natured guy & marry him.
^^i never received love but felt it for another person. There's a difference right? What Aaze, Paheli and redvelvet said is absolutely right in that As much as I'm trying to make myself believe that I'm over the man I felt unrequited love for, I'm not and I'm guessing it's going to take another year to recover fully. So I can be entirely open to the next person. I do keep wanting that same look in the eyes and the same smile in another man. It is an indication that I've put him on a pedestal.
It might be a no brainer for someone that's fully over the past but this was my first love(or unrequited love).
Err...how do you know that it'll take "another year" for u to get over him?
I can tell you from experience that it can take you much much less than a year or much more than a year to get over someone...and to an extent it has to do with you. If you spend much of your time dwelling on him instead of channeling your thoughts in other, more productive directions... You're likely to be stuck on him longer. Occupy your time with ibadat if you're not regular in it...that's a good place to start and it'll put things in perspective for u. Resigning yourself to the conclusion that it must take a whole 'nother year of your life is well..a bit melodramatic. It's kinda filmy. And most of us have veered off into filmy territory at some points...and you don't realize it at the moment...but later on you look back and feel like cringing at the waste of time.
What about attraction those first couple of times you met? Did you atleast feel that he was handsome so there would be room for attraction in the future?
He was chosen for you by your parents right or was he one of a couple men that you were asked to choose from? I don't understand how arranged marriages work.
Arranged marriage just means your family look for a prospective spouse. You both meet and talk and try to find out what each others thinking is like, is it compatible etc? The decision to marry him was in my hands. My parents gave me their advice and thoughts about him, I trusted their judgement because they are older, wiser and more experienced in sussing out the character of a person and then I decided what I wanted to do. I was not attracted to him when I met him. My mother told me that when I look at my prospective rishtas to look for the important things that will sustain a marriage. Things like compatible thinking, personality, sense of humour. When I met him I liked him I thought he was a nice guy, made some jokes, he had the same way of thinking as me. I didn't look at his height or weight his eye colour, his hair, his beard. My husband also has vitiligo, its a skin condition where patches of his skin has lost the pigmentation. So he has white patches under his eyes on his neck his hands and arms. I saw all that when I met him. I saw him as someone I could be friends with. You share everything with your friends, I wanted that to be the foundation of our relationship. The more I came go know him the more that friendship turned to love. I fell in love with his personality, his actions towards me and my family, his ideas, his thoughts. His personality attracted me. Now when I look at him I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Alhumdulillah he is the only man I ever want to be with. Love has to be built. Marriage is hard there are so many ups and downs. You have to compromise and work hard to make it work. There will always be disagreements its how you deal with the problems and move on that determines if your relationship will work. If you're looking for a blow your mind romance then I'm sorry to say you're going to wait forever and be disappointed. Unfortunately today people only look at the superficial things. They want a wedding and romance but not a marriage. Anything good comes with hard work. I think you need to lower your expectations and be realistic. You need to look at what you can offer a prospective spouse as well not just what your spouse will give you. If you're looking for true love then that only comes from God in my opinion. No one not even your spouse will love you more than God does.
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” Ann Landers. :)
I'm not looking for love at first sight stuff at all. I spent close to two years with the guy that I felt "in love" with. But it was not a relationship but more of a situation of me being in immense pain and he was more of a therapist that took me out of that pain. Classic case of patient falling in love with her psychiatrist. I mistook the constant care and motivation to recover as something more which wasn't the same for him. Anyways, now i'm just trying to move ahead and trying to find the same kindness and peacefulness I saw in his eyes which is very hard for any other man to duplicate......
There's no way to press that fast forward button so I can get over all that so i'm going to put all my efforts into self improvements and reaching out to others.
I did try to get to know this new guy. Tell me, if you're a guy would you really wear a worn out shirt and jeans that you would wear to fix stuff around the house when you meet a potential rishta for marriage. Keep in mind you aren't the superficial type but atleast make some effort to make a good first in person impression right?
I know it's strange that he wore clothes like that, but that by itself is not a valid reason to reject someone. If along with the clothes, you have an issue with his views or his sense of humour etc. then it's fine to tell him you're not interested. But don't let the clothes be the only reason keeping you from giving him a chance.
Also, it sounds like you need more time getting over the previous guy and after that you should be more open to people that come your way. Try to work on yourself first so that you don't make the mistake of becoming super emotionally dependent on someone who cannot commit to you. Your true happiness is in your own control.
I met my amazing Fiance 5 years ago via friends, I didn’t know he was interested & I only saw him as a friend bc he didn’t fit my “category” at all ( overweight, dark-skin (due to tanning), thinning hair and he’d wear worn out shirts/jeans) – all this doesn’t matter but I’m trying to tell you that No i had no attraction to him at first & there was no ‘love at 1st sight’, because when I was younger at that time I was attracted to fairer guys, green eyes, and hritik look-a-likes Lol. I am still quite skinny and so Fiance and I didn’t look “proportionate” as some ppl had said which I tried not to let bother me). My mate-selection decisions prior to meeting Fiance were always based on what bollywood wants us to believe & whether or not ‘I felt something special when meeting that specific person/ Is he the One’.. Believe me, Searching for that feeling lead to many disasters in the past (good looking guy with so many flaws; temper, foul-mouth, disrespect bc I’m a woman, arrogance, constant fights every other day). Chasing primarily superficial qualities turned me into such a horrible person (I wasn’t myself anymore; adding fuel to the fire during fights, raising my voice – something I’d never done in the past) But I guess it made me who I am today, and it helped me understand and recognize Red Flags much easier. Any lesson is a good lesson.
Anyways, Fiance confessed his feelings after knowing him for a few months & I had thought long about what I should say, thats when I told myself I can’t ignore his good heart, kindness, generosity and intellect over something so superficial which eventually fades & MA there were no Red Flags (it was other ppl’s whispers about how I’m pretty and very good-looking and ‘deserve’ a hero from a bollywood poster etc.) and so I said a small dua and thought of it as if I was setting myself up for a rishta lol and just trusted my own gut for once and said Yes to getting to know him. It was the best decision I ever made! Now 5 years later he is still my confidant, my best friend, my rock, my partner-in-crime, and finally my Fiance and Husband to be very soon InshaAllah:jano:. His heart sparked an attraction in me, I was over the moon and genuinely happy being treated with respect & unconditional love, as a new-age desi woman who still connects to her roots but also believes in equality he was the perfect balance. Our relationship is effortless, no fights, no secrets, only love and encouragement, he is good luck for me :). Turns out 2 years into our relationship he started losing weight due to newly-developed health problems linked to weight, and is now very fit MashaAllah and the ppl who used to talk crap are now the ones envying his looks Lool, No doubt he looks amazing.. But he and I know both know, I fell in love with his heart, then his mind, & then his looks, I find him very attractive and constantly thank Allah.
Don’t give up, but don’t set your expectations to “feel something special” when you meet, its only after you thoroughly know the person. Please stop comparing your past to your present/future, You’ll never be content. I wish you best of luck and hope my story helped you realize that not everyone ends up physically attracted to one-another during meetings even in Love relationships, sometimes first its your way of thinking that brings you closer.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say not everyone will be satisfied with "just" companionship, friendship and mutual respect in regards to a partner for marriage, I know I wouldn't have been.. I personally needed the physical attraction and I know I'm not the only one..
I find it a little patronising that some people imply there's no such thing as love before marriage or that it's "Bollywood" love.. Just because you personally might not have experienced it or feel you need to actually live with someone to feel love doesn't mean everyone else does.. To me it's a little insulting as well that any love before marriage seems to be classed by some people as "infatuation", not knowing other people's personal situations or what they may or may not have gone thru together.. It would be like me saying arranged marriages aren't "real" love, they're just people living as room-mates or "friends with benefits." People love in all sorts of different ways and can do more quickly or slowly than others.. How you or I "fall" for someone does not apply to everyone.. We all have different personalities, emotions and ways of thinking so why is that so hard to believe?
which I tried not to let bother me). My mate-selection decisions prior to meeting Fiance were always based on what bollywood wants us to believe & whether or not ‘I felt something special when meeting that specific person/ Is he the One’.. Believe me, Searching for that feeling lead to many disasters in the past (good looking guy with so many flaws; temper, foul-mouth, disrespect bc I’m a woman, arrogance, constant fights every other day). Chasing primarily superficial qualities turned me into such a horrible person (I wasn’t myself anymore; adding fuel to the fire during fights, raising my voice – something I’d never done in the past)
But I guess it made me who I am today, and it helped me understand and recognize Red Flags much easier. Any lesson is a good lesson.
after knowing him for a few months & I had thought long about what I should say, thats when I told myself I can’t ignore his good heart, kindness, generosity and intellect over something so superficial which eventually fades & MA there were no Red Flags (it was other ppl’s whispers about how I’m pretty and very good-looking and ‘deserve’ a hero from a bollywood poster etc.) and so I said a small dua and thought of it as if I was setting myself up for a rishta lol and just trusted my own gut for once and said Yes to getting to know him. It was the best decision I ever made! Now 5 years later he is still my confidant, my best friend, my rock, my partner-in-crime, and finally my Fiance and Husband to be very soon InshaAllah:jano:. His heart sparked an attraction in me, I was over the moon and genuinely happy being treated with respect & unconditional love, as a new-age desi woman who still connects to her roots but also believes in equality he was the perfect balance. Our relationship is effortless, no fights, no secrets, only love and encouragement, he is good luck for me :). Turns out 2 years into our relationship he started losing weight due to newly-developed health problems linked to weight, and is now very fit MashaAllah and the ppl who used to talk crap are now the ones envying his looks 
Lool, No doubt he looks amazing.. But he and I know both know, I fell in love with his heart, then his mind, & then his looks, I find him very attractive and constantly thank Allah.