Hi everyone!
I have been a silent observer here and have gone through many threads and have been impressed with many of the sensible responses and suggestions being given. That’s what really inspired me for this post, hoping for some good suggestions and advices.
I met a guy in February. He showed interest but I clearly told him that I was looking for someone for marriage and if he is interested to proceed, then we can involve our parents. We were regularly in contact through messages and phone calls throughout every day. He did meet my dad in March along with few of my dad’s friends. After meeting him, my dad and his friends did like him. Then in March end, he made his parents call my parents and asked for rishta officially. We both belong to two different castes, hence my parents told them that we would discuss with all our other family members and will get back. Few of my cousins are still not okay to proceed with this rishta because he belongs to a different caste. My parents are okay to proceed but reluctant due to cousins’ objection.My parents still have not got back to his parents with a response, though his parents did call few times in between for a follow up but their calls were just ignored by my parents :(.
Another thing, we are basically from Karachi but settled abroad. The guy’s family is from Punjab. So my parents have this issue also that we should not move to Pakistan after married.
Also, this guy was married before but his marriage could not work because his ex wife’s mom had issue with her daughter staying in Pakistan and she made her daughter stay with her after marriage and wanted the guy to move to the country where they lived. Anyways.
Now, this guy has started ignoring me for the last one week :(. He says, we would resume contact only when my dad calls his dad. Also, he says I should make it clear to my parents that once married, it will be our decision where we live so he would not like them to interfere. As per him, he would not like to proceed with marriage if my parents will have objection on this, as he says he does not want to go through stress and complications like he went through with his ex wife. And he is like, keeping distance is better for us, so that at least it would be easy for us to break it off if things dont work out :(.
I keep pleading my dad to call his parents and he keeps telling me that he will, today or tomorrow but still not. I keep updating him with everything through messages, he does read all my messages and does not respond at all :(. What is making me scared now is that, because he has started ignoring me, then perhaps he has changed his mind now? I am scared I should not have to face humiliation and embarrassment if my parents call his parents and what if they say a no? :S. I wonder now if he is really worth it the way i am putting in all these efforts. What you people think and suggest?
Already way too much drama and way too complicated...and hes already ultra sensitive to drama and willing to end a previous marriage for girls parents interfering..and hes already disrespecting you bc he feels disrespected..this isnt looking good from either side, and will only get worse after marriage..soch lo
1) The guy is saying that there is no guarantee that he will not want to settle in Pakistan, he's already had a marriage end in divorce because the girls family did not want her to move. He's actually being honest and upfront, if this is a deal breaker for you or your parents, then cut your losses and move on. He's not likely to change his mind and he is telling you upfront that he will not entertain any third party opinions in this matter. Can't fault him for that. Would you rather he sweet talk and tell you and your parents what you want to hear right now then spring something totally different on you later after you're already married?
2) You said in the beginning you made it clear to him that you're looking for marriage, not something casual or dating. So now that he doesn't want to be constant communication with you unless you are getting married or that he may be having second thoughts about compatibility based on his past experiences and divorce, then again, what is he doing wrong?
What are you pleading with your parents for? Why do you want them to acquiesce in a situation that they are not sure is the best for you anyway?
To me, after reading what you have wrote, is sounds to me like the issue here is not with him, but with you. Tell your parents that it doesn't seem like it is going to work out after all, that there are fundamental differences and then cut your losses and move on. If it's meant to be with someone, it won't be this hard.
1) The guy is saying that there is no guarantee that he will not want to settle in Pakistan, he's already had a marriage end in divorce because the girls family did not want her to move. He's actually being honest and upfront, if this is a deal breaker for you or your parents, then cut your losses and move on. He's not likely to change his mind and he is telling you upfront that he will not entertain any third party opinions in this matter. Can't fault him for that. Would you rather he sweet talk and tell you and your parents what you want to hear right now then spring something totally different on you later after you're already married?
2) You said in the beginning you made it clear to him that you're looking for marriage, not something casual or dating. So now that he doesn't want to be constant communication with you unless you are getting married or that he may be having second thoughts about compatibility based on his past experiences and divorce, then again, what is he doing wrong?
What are you pleading with your parents for? Why do you want them to acquiesce in a situation that they are not sure is the best for you anyway?
To me, after reading what you have wrote, is sounds to me like the issue here is not with him, but with you. Tell your parents that it doesn't seem like it is going to work out after all, that there are fundamental differences and then cut your losses and move on. If it's meant to be with someone, it won't be this hard.
The thing is that, i dont want to lose him. And the way he has started ignoring me, i hope he has not changed his mind. I do believe he would rather make it clear to me since he already knows how much i am still trying than to ignore me like this.
The thing is that, i dont want to lose him. And the way he has started ignoring me, i hope he has not changed his mind. I do believe he would rather make it clear to me since he already knows how much i am still trying than to ignore me like this.
Already way too much drama and way too complicated...and hes already ultra sensitive to drama and willing to end a previous marriage for girls parents interfering..and hes already disrespecting you bc he feels disrespected..this isnt looking good from either side, and will only get worse after marriage..soch lo
Yeah pretty much this. This isn't looking good. Cut your losses, and move on.
Even though your parents weren't as bothered by the guy's caste as much as your cousins were, I'd limit future rishta discussions to only immediate family. Involving cousins carries the potential of making things more complicated especially if their views are not sound.
But he tells me that it is still not over for him, and he needs me to openly discuss with my parents, and call his parents....
Discuss what with your parents? It's pretty clear he's made up his mind in terms of what he wants in the future. Have you discussed with him what you want? For example, will you guys live in Pakistan, or not? Besides being married to him, do you know what else you want out of this marriage?
My concern is, if he has already changed his mind, then why would he tell me to still talk to my parents? Is he just trying to lead me on? Instead of just ignoring, why cant he just be open and break it off?
I don't know how this guy met his first wife, but it seems that maybe you guys met online. No harm in that, but if this guy had a marriage break up due to different countries being the issue, why not pick someone from Pakistan?
As for your parents, they are certainly right in one thing that it may not be easy for you to adjust in Pakistan after having lived abroad. However, the fact that each and every person in your extended family has to agree to the match is very archaic in this day and age, especially when you guys live abroad.
I don't think the guy is at fault. you met him in Feb and in March his parents had already talked to your parents about your hand. It is your parents who are at fault here by not getting back to them with the answer. waiting 4 months for an answer is really too long for anyone to get pissed off.
i also think that your parents should make up their mind without involving your cousins, i have never seen a family where the consent of cousins are given so much importance.
IDK,but i have a feeling that the guy is seeing your family as the one where all extended family gets involved and interfere in every smallest and biggest issue of other family members. he might fear that a family like this will have all the potential to create drama in your married life afterwards and may be, that is why, he has made it very clear to you that the decision about where to live should not be governed by your family. i think he has done it right by being upfront to you so that you are also aware of it and can take a much informed decision.
Is he just trying to lead me on? Instead of just ignoring, why cant he just be open and break it off?
He has done everything perfectly. You wanted a guy who is serious about marriage and you found one. At this point, YOUR family is the side leading the guy on. Go ask your dad why he can't be open with this rishta. Either say yes so the wedding plan can start. Or say no so YOU can start looking for another guy. The ONLY party causing issues here are your parents by not giving a clear answer.
P.S. If you're not planning on seeing this guy for fun then stop contacting him until your dad gives an answer. It's very sensible and sharreef of the guy to say that you two should not have any contact. It sounds like he is looking for a wife and is not interested in fooling around. Don't make yourself look pathetic and besharam by continuing to text him. Get your dad to give a final and official answer to the rishta.
He has done everything perfectly. You wanted a guy who is serious about marriage and you found one. At this point, YOUR family is the side leading the guy on. Go ask your dad why he can't be open with this rishta. Either say yes so the wedding plan can start. Or say no so YOU can start looking for another guy. The ONLY party causing issues here are your parents by not giving a clear answer.
P.S. If you're not planning on seeing this guy for fun then stop contacting him until your dad gives an answer. It's very sensible and sharreef of the guy to say that you two should not have any contact. It sounds like he is looking for a wife and is not interested in fooling around. Don't make yourself look pathetic and besharam by continuing to text him. Get your dad to give a final and official answer to the rishta.
