So I hav this confusion , I have heard from a lot of married ppl wid kids that the day they stopped loving their spouses or wudnt feel the spark or connection , they wud separate, or get divorced without much caring abt kids b/c even if its a bad marriage kids wud suffer, i had this naive imagination before that this kind of behavior suits goras but not desis but in past few years i hav heard these kind of stuff coming from very desi background, ur opinions appreciated.
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
I hope not.
I am not sure what love, i love my wife, but at times I am not sure. in over 25 years of marriage life i learned that some love could disappear in thin air.
There would always someone else fancy ones imagination, but what hold me back? A duty to care for her, commitment toward her and may children.
There were bad times, i it is easy for me walk away, but hold it back just could not even think of my children growing up in single parent home.
I may not be a loving husband for life, but a responsible one.
At the end of day i have no regret for decisions i made, despite all my failing i earned deep respect and appreciation of my children.
Please no one should tread the marriage like a child's play, it is serious thing and so many lives are depend on this.
Please no one should tread the marriage like a child's play, it is serious thing and so many lives are depend on this.
spot on; people should realize that marriage is not all about having that spark or magic there forever.. sure you'd love to have that and maybe you will, but a commitment like marriage ought to be taken very seriously and only broken as a last resort (abuse, etc).. this whole "no-fault divorce" culture is destructive and is an indication that people need to marry for the right reasons.
Sometimes the situation gets so worse that the only option left is to divorce.
However , both husband and wife shd take marriage very seriously. My own life story is very well known to all , my husband think it's okay to leave kids for your own sake or to make your mother happy , you can't do much for such a person. Marriage means responsibilities and committment on both sides not just one like ppl say gari kay do payeh. Otherwise one may end up like me after 8 months of suffering and efforts.
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
I agree that people tend to give up too easily on marriage. However, I do not think it is the business for outsiders to decide if a couple got divorced for the right reasons, etc.---remember that this is their business, most people don't want to share all their dirty laundry, etc., so just because they don't tell you every dirty little detail doesn't mean there weren't years of struggle and pain behind their decision. Finally, just because a divorce is classified legally as 'no fault' doesn't mean there weren't sound reasons behind the decision---a lot of people don't want it on the books for everyone to see that one party was unfaithful, abusive, etc., and here in the US, depending on the state, the standard for proving some of the fault bases legally is very, very difficult, so difficult that here in New York it's not even enough for the cheating spouse to admit it in court! For many couples, choosing a no-fault divorce is the best way to keep a divorce from getting super nasty in court and hurting the children, families, etc., even more, and draining both parties of their assets.
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
I do believe that if someone is truely unhappy and there are major underlying reasons for the resentment and unhappiness then there is no point of that marriage. Yes you should get divorced - It's better to be truely happy and be with someone you love rather than in a dead end marriage which is making you both miserable.
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
**married life is like a house where bedroom [for intimate moments] is just one corner. one has to take care of the whole house which includes living room [for socializing], Kitchen [for cooking], common areas [for accomodating other family members and yes including in-laws], dining room [for nurturing the family], bathrooms [for thinking positive … 
] and offcourse a laundry room [for doing ur dirty laundry of relationships]. these areas symbolize a human life…we all have to go thru all those areas everyday.
so, just because life isn’t good in the bedroom, we decide to ignore other lovely areas in the house and just move out to another unknown dwelling, is insane to me. i hope u know what i mean.**
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
^ in extreme situations like above..yes..
in the case of "oh i dont feel that spark anymore"..nuh uh
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
Divorce is Allah (SWT) least most favorable thing. The spark won't always be there, every now and then you or your spouse should do something different to bring that spark back. Also it could just mean your love has a whole new meaning at a different level now. It's not all about the physical attraction, or the excitement when you guys were newly married or had your first child etc. It's more about being there for one another, caring for one another, doing little things for each other. For example, wife wants to go to a party to enjoy without having to run after the kids, she asks hubby dearest to watch them for her, and he agrees. That right there is love.
Knowing that at the end of the day, no matter how you look, how you are, your spouse will still love and accept you.
So I hav this confusion , I have heard from a lot of married ppl wid kids that the day they stopped loving their spouses or wudnt feel the spark or connection , they wud separate, or get divorced without much caring abt kids b/c even if its a bad marriage kids wud suffer, i had this naive imagination before that this kind of behavior suits goras but not desis but in past few years i hav heard these kind of stuff coming from very desi background, ur opinions appreciated.
It's usually not because they simply wakeup one day and realize they don't love their wife or husband anymore. theres alot more to that. There can be many reasons why they absolutely cant stand each other anymore. like if one of them is cheating or disrespecting their spouse or always putting them down to an extent where its unbearable or many other things. sometimes inlaws get too involved and can cause misunderstandings. thats also very common in our society.
HOwever to say that this behaviour suits goras is unfair and false because goras don't love divorce either. its just that most of gori women are more financially secure compared to pakistanis and they can move on after a divorce whereas pakistani women don't have so much options after a divorce so they try harder to make it work because most of them wil not even be able to get remarried after a divorce. it's not like white ppl only marry to get a divorce. thats again a generalization and lets not get into that.
So I hav this confusion , I have heard from a lot of married ppl wid kids that the day they stopped loving their spouses or wudnt feel the spark or connection , they wud separate, or get divorced without much caring abt kids b/c even if its a bad marriage kids wud suffer, i had this naive imagination before that this kind of behavior suits goras but not desis but in past few years i hav heard these kind of stuff coming from very desi background, ur opinions appreciated.
That's because desis have become stupid and like to live their lives like bollywood films or dramas. These are all qiyamat ki nishaanian. On the other hand, people in the west have become more family oriented and work hard at keeping their marriages intact.
Big generalization I know...but look around you and see how many failed marriages you see...marriages that didn't last even a year. Yes, I know real problems happen but these days you see people getting divorced because they got bored.
:k:
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
Only boring people get bored.
So I hav this confusion , I have heard from a lot of married ppl wid kids that the day they stopped loving their spouses or wudnt feel the spark or connection , they wud separate, or get divorced without much caring abt kids b/c even if its a bad marriage kids wud suffer, i had this naive imagination before that this kind of behavior suits goras but not desis but in past few years i hav heard these kind of stuff coming from very desi background, ur opinions appreciated.
It's easy to say things..........and not really act on them.
The day that you stop loving your spouse? This idea in itself is so subjective. How would you determine that you no longer love your spouse? The danger in this view is that we let our emotions get the better of us when we're angry. For example, you might get into a heated argument with your sibling and think that he/she is the most vile person on this earth and declare that you hate him/her. A few days/weeks later, you're back to talking to the person again as if nothing had happened.
So when would you know that you no longer love your spouse? Would it be the umpteenth time that your husband forgot to take out the trash.....and you're fuming.....wondering why you even married the lazy lout? Or would it be the gazillionth time that you got tired of your wife's high-pitched nagging voice?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we lose our temper, decide we hate someone, say things we regret, and then go back to resuming our relationships.
For people who ARE saying that they'd leave their spouse if they stopped loving them.........I think they mean that their marriage would have to be dysfunctional beyond repair. Meaning they've tried many ways to salvage it and nothing is working. And things are so bad that others besides the couple.......such as the kids........are hurting from the "union." It varies from couple to couple. For some, a serious breach of trust such as an affair is grounds for a divorce. For others........a consistent/frequent pattern of abusive or inconsiderate behavior will put an end to things. And for others........SEVERE incompatibility....will do it.
Human nature isn't consistent.........therefore relationships are not consistent. You'll have pleasant days......and you'll experience doldrums. There are many factors to consider before deciding to throw in the towel.
kya bayhooda ghar hay yeh, where is the garage, tennis courts, gameroom and library.
mian, aap joi accha architect bhejo jo zara kaam ki imarat banaye.
joshing aside, you are spot on, there are any facets to a marriage and depending on different factors they can be at varying levels of quality.
two things though, these factors carry different weight for diff people, some may value intellectual alignment the highest, some may rate ability to go have fun and explore and just love and liove life the most, some may value physical aspect more..so depending on these rations, one or two things that are not up to expectations can create havoc for a marriage.
balance between all these factors is the key, but what is balance.. varies from couple to couple.
So I hav this confusion , I have heard from a lot of married ppl wid kids that the day they stopped loving their spouses or wudnt feel the spark or connection , they wud separate, or get divorced without much caring abt kids b/c even if its a bad marriage kids wud suffer, i had this naive imagination before that this kind of behavior suits goras but not desis but in past few years i hav heard these kind of stuff coming from very desi background, ur opinions appreciated.
No problem, divorce away. But send me $50. I am the GS Imam-e-talaq.
Re: Is it ok to divorce or get one?
Let's put it this way, if the husband and wife have differences that they have worked extremely hard with an open heart to resolve and have been unable to do so, and their elders have also intervened and attempted to bring them together but to no avail, then with no other option left divorce would be the next logical step...
However, I firmly believe a lot of people dont exhaust all avenues to resolve their differences before jumping out of the relationship..and a lot of this has to do with modern day society where people are taught more and more to be 'independent' and less and less to 'compromise' and resolve their differences.
Just my opinion...somethings you cant resolve, so fine...if divorce is the only option left..so be it...but its a shame that a lot of people dont ask for help from their elders and family members as a last resort...especially in arranged marraiges, I think the elders can be a huge help.
I like the analogy you used:)
That's because desis have become stupid and like to live their lives like bollywood films or dramas. These are all qiyamat ki nishaanian. On the other hand, people in the west have become more family oriented and work hard at keeping their marriages intact.
Big generalization I know...but look around you and see how many failed marriages you see...marriages that didn't last even a year. Yes, I know real problems happen but these days you see people getting divorced because they got bored.
Good points Niksik.
From the people around me, I am noticing this attitude of 'hey I can always leave him/her' . Sometimes when people go into a relationship with such a mentality, it's at the back of their mind that they can opt out. All relationships require work, they all have ups and downs. I think there is a growing trend now amongst certain people, I am noticing it esp in my social circle with some friends who are engaged/married who have the attitude that they will not be 'tolerating anything' because 'I'm educated and independent.'
I understand that serious decisions have to be made with certain situations that might arise, but like you said, I think now (some) people think they can just leave each other over minor, insignificant issues.