Is it Normal?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I have beenr eading through the forums.. and I have found you guys quite helpful. I thought i’ll share my concern too..

I have been married quite sometime now. Things are goign pretty smooth. I am quite happy with my overall relationship with my husband. My parents are pretty well off and I never had to worry about money issues.

I am a very ambitious sort of person. I want to have a professional career but I am not after money here but my personal satisfaction. I have worked before my wedding and I never had any reliance on my earnings ever. Basically, I never hadd to provide for anybody. My husband has a good job and we are nto doing too bad at the moment.

My lifestyle is not the same as it was but I dont bother too much about it since I beleive things will get better with time. Recently, when I was talking to my husband about going to a Vacation, he very bluntly said that " If you want all the things that you talk about, we will both have to work"…

It was quite a setback for me. I know its very normal for couples to work andd support each other, but we never talked about it before we got married. I always knew I was going to work sometime in my life but not because I’ll have to provide for the family. That puts too much pressure on me.

There are too many things that worry me…How will my kids be brought up when I am never around for them? How will they learn their islamic values? How will I cope with all the pressures working with a covered head? Isnt’ a husbandd supposed to provide for his family at all times? I dont want all the luxurious things in life (maybe tid bits of it…it’ll take me time) but I still want a decent lifestyle.

Please help me out guys…I think I am not thinking straight…

This is really depressing me out…:frowning:

2

Re: Is it Normal?

He's not saying you HAVE to work, he's saying that in order for you to have all the things you want, you will need a second income. I don't know what you said that prompted it or what his tone was, so it's hard to tell if he's being unfair, but the thought itself seems reasonable.

Do you already have children? Are you settled in the US? UK? Where?

I don't think you should worry about working with a headcovering. Many women do without any trouble at all. I actually don't know anyone who's had trouble. People may be curious, you may need to answer questions, but I don't think there's any problem in that. Afterall, by wearing hijab you highlight your status as a Muslim woman and take pride in it. Isn't it good for people to ask questions?

The Random Thread
3

Welcome! Sad to know about your situation. Honestly, when I read your post, it appears to me that you are confused about what you want. On one hand you say you are ambitious and want to work for personal satisfaction (but are not working currently) and on the other hand you say you were shocked to hear what your hubby said and that you wudnt like to work with that kinda pressure on your head(children being ignored, cooking and other stuff). You said you knew you would work eventually so whats the harm if you work? your hubby isnt forcing you to work... but just said if you need extra luxuries in life you have to support him, which is right. I also believe hubby should provide for the family but seriously life these days is just so darn hard, you have to work together for a better future.
There are many women(even hijabi) working, taking care of husband and children.. its possible I am sure. I dun have a kid yet and I keep fretting about it but I am sure everything will fall into place. I have friends who say they managed some how. Dont worry too much about things that have NOT happened yet... take it easy and go with the flow. If you are really ambitious and dun care abt money then go ahead and work, itll do you good, you will satisfy yourself and help your hubby too! hope that helps

Masoom muhabat ka
Masoom muhabat ka
4

Re: Is it Normal?

Should have married a richer guy.

Sing a Song according 2 Ur Mood !!!!!
5

Re: Is it Normal?

^ :rotfl:

I don’t see anything wrong with what he said, he is being realistic. If you feel pressured and depressed just thinking about it, think of him, he HAS that pressure to support you and I am sure there are other things on his plate and other people expecting things from him also.
I am sure he could have said it in a nicer way but thats another issue.
I guess I don’t really get your dilemma.

I Am ..........
6

**:)............One of the best advice a heart specialist gives to every one on TV and in his book too..............

If you want to live a Long healthy life...........Live within your means.......:biggthumb

Na rahay ga bans

aur na bajjay gi bansari...............:)

I mean when you quit worrying about how to get more..............

life becomes easier....
**

7

:chai: bandaa aisaa ameer hone chahiyey , jo key kanjoos naa hou , generally ameer r quiet kanjoos makhee choos ( shaadi kaa rule # 1)

8

I don't see anything wrong with this statement made by your husband.

I work while my wife is a home maker. She used to work before we got married. She gets what she wants and at the same time she is considerate when it comes to asking me for stuff. She sometimes asks for fazool stuff (in my opinion) and I explain to her that we can do without it and she understands. To give you an example, she goes to the salon/beauty parlor every now and then and we eat out every now and then, but if she wanted to go to the salon every week or if she wanted to go out twice a week or something, yeah I'll tell her the same thing that she needs to start working in order to afford that kind of living.

Your husband is being realistic, that's all. He's already running the house and fulfilling your personal needs. Be appreciative and don't push it.

The Return of Kasauti (Kasauti I)
9

Re: Is it Normal?

I would say that there must be a lot of pressure on your husband too to provide the "lifestyle" That you may be used to without having to worry about the money. There are some realities of life that you both husband and wife have to deal with..as life cannot be a bed of roses at all times. I would suggest that you do a little soul searching and look at the realities of life and make your decision.Ofcourse it can be stressfull f you think that you have to "work" for the stuff that is important to you.We all have to see and set priorities about what is more important to us right now and for the future of not just us but our children too. If you donot want to work and your priority is bringing up ypour children the way you want to by being home, then cut and trim your lifestyle to incorporate that.Your kids do not need "things" to feel loved and so should'nt you. It is not just your husband's responsibility to make the household a success. You are EQUALLY responsible for that. I am sure that ypu realize this and working or not working outside should make a difference.You botth have to decide what is best for ypur family and the well being of your kids and their future:)Good Luck

10

Re: Is it Normal?

You want a decent lifestyle and your husband cannot or does not want to provide you such a lifestyle. Maybe you married the wrong person.

Why can't I wear
11

Re: Is it Normal?

I think it's perfectly fine that you're ambitious and you wnat to work out of passion. You realize that you guys are doing okay and there is no real added pressure to make ends meet and your second income will provide the luxuries you want. Unfortunately women working out of pleasure rather than duty is not really recognized in our cultures (both eastern and even western up to a certain point). If you want to take the religious point of view, you aren't forbidden from working and whatever money you earn is yours to keep. You're not obligated for anything with that money.

I'm going to agree with everyone else here, what he said is not unreasonable. Since these days women can work for pleasure and be ambitious, then men shouldn't feel obligated that they have to provide their wives with every single luxury they want.... we can't have it both ways :D

12

Re: Is it Normal?

it really comes down to what u think is "decent lifestyle"

maybe your "needs" are his "luxaries" and u may need to sit down and just discuss this.

If you have kids, u may need to talk about what really is important.. some things that we live with at our parents house are mere luxaries... come to think of it, most things in our lives these days are "wants" rather than "needs"..

I'm a working mother/wife.. and I will probably always will be until I am satisfied I have helped my hubby and kids enough...

Its hard managing work, child, hubby and your relationship.. but its not SOOO difficult. The more understanding you are of each others needs, the easier it gets :)

13

Gawddd CONFUSED is the exact word i was gonna use too.....:) looks like i dont need to give any advice on this topic as already u guys have given good advice

14

[quote="Kiwii, post:69, topic:184275"]

I have beenr eading through the forums.. and I have found you guys quite helpful. I thought i'll share my concern too..

I have been married quite sometime now. Things are goign pretty smooth. I am quite happy with my overall relationship with my husband. My parents are pretty well off and I never had to worry about money issues.

I am a very ambitious sort of person. I want to have a professional career but I am not after money here but my personal satisfaction. I have worked before my wedding and I never had any reliance on my earnings ever. Basically, I never hadd to provide for anybody. My husband has a good job and we are nto doing too bad at the moment.

My lifestyle is not the same as it was but I dont bother too much about it since I beleive things will get better with time. Recently, when I was talking to my husband about going to a Vacation, he very bluntly said that " If you want all the things that you talk about, we will both have to work"...

It was quite a setback for me. I know its very normal for couples to work andd support each other, but we never talked about it before we got married. I always knew I was going to work sometime in my life but not because I'll have to provide for the family. That puts too much pressure on me.

There are too many things that worry me....How will my kids be brought up when I am never around for them? How will they learn their islamic values? How will I cope with all the pressures working with a covered head? Isnt' a husbandd supposed to provide for his family at all times? I dont want all the luxurious things in life (maybe tid bits of it...it'll take me time) but I still want a decent lifestyle.

Please help me out guys...I think I am not thinking straight....

ur sad about this for real? i ve been crying for six months now that let me work but my husband say no.atleast hes giving you an option consider urself lucky

15

After all the replies, I think I am the one who is not thinking straight.
I dont have any kids yet. I am living in the UK. I am 22 and I still have to finish my degree. I am going to school full time an d. That's what bothered me the most that I am not the position to land a decent job for another 2 year or so. It seems like I have to struggle alot to get to the life I want.

I think about it too much. Sometimes all I can focus on is this and it just depresses me. You guys are right, I am just confused and I dont know what I want from life.

This has alot to do with family pressues too from my siblings and from the extended family. If one person is doing better than the other, people love to rub it onto your face. I guess they enjoy it when the other person gets hurt. I strongly hate that part about our culture that we don't get to have our own lives but everyONE interferes. For example, I was talking to an aunty who is really close to us and I was telling her about my plans for further studies and she goes " Tum shayad apne husband ki help kerna chahti ho werna itna perhne ki kiya zarourat hai " ...Damn it!!...I want to do it for myself. And when my husband said something similar, it hurt. I guess now u can probably get the psychology behind it.

I was sort of pushed into the marriage. I was quite young at the time and I didn't know that If I take a stand ..would I be doing the right thing and that was also because people were playing games with my mind. So I listened to my parents. And I am happy with my marriage. I guess I am still focussing on what people have to say rather than focussing on ourselves.

Time Pass - March 2012
16

Re: Is it Normal?

^^ Why don't you take up a part-time job? That way, you can manage school as well.

17

I think as long as you and your husband are conscious of the fact that while you are a student you will need to keep yourselves under control, things will be fine. Then inshAllah, you'll do well enough to have some of the luxuries you want. You're only 22 afterall. Very few people are settled completely at that age.

There will ALWAYS be people making comments. If you work, you don't work, you have kids, you don't have kids. Paying attention to those people isn't going to please them and it will just make you miserable. Ignore them and do what makes you happy.

18

Re: Is it Normal?

you are 22!!! for Allah's sake relax chill.. you don't have to fly thousands of miles to find good vacation.. all you guys need is a nice time alone.. to relax.. plus don't worry tooo much about how life will turn out.. inshaAllah it will turn out to be amazing.. you have so many years infront of you where you will learn amazing realities of life. You will like some of them and you will hate some of them but that's just part of it..

so relax go to Cafe section and flood some threads ;)

Time Pass - March 2012
19

I speak for myself only when I say this but if there is one thing that I have learned in my 24 years on this planet is that we never live for ourselves, we are humans and by nature we are connected with atleast one other person at all times. We need to be connected. What that aunty said was wrong and frankly a reflection of her own education and mindset. But when you think that your hubby implied the same -- that was just wrong.

Has you hubby ever said that you don't need to study? or why are you wasting your time studying when you could be sitting at home and enjoying life (watching Star Plus and Zeee tv)?

20

Re: Is it Normal?

not quite sure why but having read your entry, the words “golden goose, eggs and omelette” came to mind. :silly:

anyway, all the poor fella is saying you’ll have to bake the cake too, if you want to eat it.