last week my wife called and passed me the phone and it took me a while to figure out that one of sil is engagment is going on the other side of the phone. first I was surprised then i just congradulate her.
just want to know, if FIL is passed away, no BIL, and being husband of eldest daughter of the family i was only male closely related to them. before and after from purposal to engagment i have been kept un informed and never been consulted, sure its their own matter but some how I felt ignored. If they had informed me or discussed all i would have done, check the guy and family through my links, talk to them and made sure they are good for sil sincerely. and the guy family would have some feeling that SIL have someone who can stand by them.
I am happy for her and pray for her good future. but deep down i didnt like it being treated like that.
That's what they are afraid of. They don't trust your judgement since you may potentially screw up things (in their mind of course).
You have a valid concern though but why do you want to get mushy with your inlaws?
In my family, if every Tom, Dick and Lucha lafunga is not informed about every single little detail about everysingle persons life, it means they are not respected enough.
Don't bring your wife into it, I can't stand when people do that, she will get stuck in the middle and it won't be nice. Talk to your mother in law direct, and calmly raise the issue of not being involved in family matters. You could say something like, 'when I married your daugter, you didn't lose her, you gained a son' - hahaha...sorry, but I love that line and one of my uncles uses it with his inlaws all the time, only trouble is, it makes them cry all that bit harder!
Would you ask your 1st daughter's husband for an approval when you are getting your 2nd daughter married?
What if your 2nd daughter is in love and she really does not give a crap what other people think?
Shak killS,
I remember you posted a similar thread sometime back. If I was in your situation, I’d make one honest effort and try to talk to my spouse about how I feel and what can be done to make the situation better. If nothing improves after that, leave it be. Aap apne ghar khush, wo apne ghar.
Don't bring your wife into it, I can't stand when people do that, she will get stuck in the middle and it won't be nice. Talk to your mother in law direct, and calmly raise the issue of not being involved in family matters. You could say something like, 'when I married your daugter, you didn't lose her, you gained a son' - hahaha...sorry, but I love that line and one of my uncles uses it with his inlaws all the time, only trouble is, it makes them cry all that bit harder!
This is a good point, but maybe his wife sees things differently and will be able to explain the situation better to him?
True Mehnaz, but his wife may already be aware of the fact that her family doesnt seem to consider her husband as much as they should and perhaps has spoken to them about it, but they don't get the seriousness as the husband doesnt say it for himself. Or, her family want him to be a bit more involved by forcing his presence, instead of having to ask him, they want him to say it or do it himself first. Who knows.
This kind of stuff happens in my family oftern. It's always "your family this and your family that', but when it comes to speaking to the wifes/husbands family about the issue, the person with the problem doesnt seem to say anything and will leave the argument for thier wife/husband's ears only, allowing them to be stuck in the middle when it may not even be thier fault. I am not saying Shaks does any of this, just something I have observed.
I will not ask for his approval, but he certainly will know about it well before. I am not saying they should get approval, I never impose my decisions on anyone. I say wheat i feel and always leave things to people who are concerned. it isnt love marriage, even if it was I wouldnt be against it.
I have told my wife about it, she was informed but wasnt aware of any final things.
anyway I think have to accept it, i have been hitched with un social in laws.
Now its done, I dont want to spoil it for them. I dont want to complain and call mil that oh you havent consulted me. it hurts when you have done everything and going out of the way for them.
No good can come from the collective thinking of a bunch of women. Women are incapable of rational and logical thought in certain matters, especially one that involves reading a guy. I dread for your SIL. They should have gotten you involved. Disaster afoot.
shak kills -correct me if im wrong...but your wifes family is in Pakistan right and ur here in the West (im not sure which country)?....that means you're away from the family and it probably wouldve been very hard to get you involved...since you live so far away. maybe if u were in pakistan at the time, they wouldve got u involved more....im sure your wife has uncles (both maternal and paternal)....maybe they got involved......which tends to happen alot. if ur wifes uncles were involved in the decision making etc....then i think that may have been the reason for not informing you (apart from the fact that u live far away in a different country)
^^ yes both my and her families are in Lahore, we are in London. they dont have any terms with paternal uncles, and need to have basis with maternal uncles.
leave getting invlove aside, i think atleast should have been informed about the engagement day. reason of my shock/concern is i called randomly and found out "oh by the way today was my engagement..." and that was the first time I got the news.
dude thas a lil messed up, i'd be pissed if someone on my hubby's side was getting engaged and I didnt know at all. u don thav to be part of the "choosing her hubby" thing (its kinda annoying that every single person thinks they have a say in ur life and what you do but i can kinda c the point of it) but it wudnt hurt to tell u abt the engagement.
Atleast bata to dena chahaye considering you are son in law. I mean they don't need your opinion regarding the guy but they surely should have told you. "Beta we are getting her [your sister in law] engaged with so and so on such and such date. Can you guys come.. or alteast send your wife " etc...
leave getting invlove aside, i think atleast should have been informed about the engagement day. reason of my shock/concern is i called randomly and found out "oh by the way today was my engagement..." and that was the first time I got the news.
If you and ur wife are going along well with each other, then why does it bother you?
Forget about it, people are of different types, they may have 100 reasons for not telling u and all those reasons might be just bull****, but hey if i was at ur place i won't care.
I don't know how open you and your wife are with each other, but it would help the situation if you are. I mean, from what I understand, you had no idea about the engagement until after your wife handed you the phone. I've always had the notion that a husband and wife are supposed to be open and should share everything with each other. Do you usually inform your wife about what's going on in your family? If so, you should talk to your wife to do the same.
I'd say the type of relationship you have with your inlaws depends on your spouse. If you want your family to respect her and treat her as family, you need to show that. Likewise, your wife should involved you and make you feel part of the family to get your inlaws to do the same. AND....if you want to be involved, you need to show interest.
