I posted a post previously regarding a friend who was under rishta process for 7 months and the guy side didn’t finalise. I just found out that the guy’s mother kept asking around what sort of a person she is. And few aunties told her that, back in uni days, she used to come up to their daughters and brag how hot she is for getting a new guy every week etc (which I think is total bull**** .. although I am not saying my friend is a total saint.. but she is not a whore or slut as described). Plus some aunty’s daughter informed her ex boyfriend how she might be getting engaged. That ex went to the guy’s house and told them about their previous relationship and said she is this and that etc .. and the guy side finally sent a rejection to my friend and gave that reason for rejecting.
Ok I don’t know my friend too well. But I am sure she is not as bad as people are making her to be. I mean, here in uk, it is normal to have relationships as long as you are not cheating or sleeping with men etc My friend did tell me she changed herself and stopped talking to boys for past 2 years. Since she hasn’t been out for 2 years and changed herself, I don’t understand how her past is relevant to her rishta? Was it fair?
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Ok I don't know my friend too well. But I am sure she is not as bad as people are making her to be.
LOL.....you're supposedly "friends" with this girl and even you're not 100% sure about what she has and had not done. If Pakistani men and/or their families don't want to take a risk that a slut is joining their family, then they have every right to do that. Besides, what's so special about your friend? Why should a Pakistani family going through the arranged rishta route choose your friend over another girl who has the same qualifications/type of looks etc and does not have a dating history and a ex-boyfriend who's going to tell the community about their past relationship?
I'm sure your friend is not stupid. Surely your friend and you both know that in the Pakistani community.....dating is not acceptable by most people....especially in the type of families that do arranged rishtas. So your friend needs to find a family that is very liberal and doesn't care about the fact that she has dated other guys in the past. BTW, in the UK....its also normal for girls to find their own future husbands.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Why would the girl's ex-boyfriend go to her potential rishta's house to justify their relationship? This is a recipe for disaster. Its like you are trying too hard to justify that she isn't a 'whore' which makes it look like she actually is.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Plus I have a friend and he told me that once he asked a turkish girl at uni what sort of girl she is and the turkish girl said "she ****s around with guys" ..
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
But according to her, people are spreading rumors because they are jealous of her.. Well she is an average looking ordinary girl..so not quite sure if jealousy is the case
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
If these auntis live in your friend's community and have witnessed the positive changes in your friend's character in the past two years, then shame on them for revealing her past mistakes ....those she made in her youth....to a potential rishta. But, what goes around come around ...and you'll friend will inshaAllah end up with a great guy when it's meant to be and these same gossipy women will watch with jaws dropped.....or they may even end up on the receiving end of the same treatment. I wish your friend could move to a new area and get away from such people.
Jealousy is not always about looks. Auntis might have been jealous of the rishta if it was a really good one compared to the rishtas their own daughters got. Some people can't stand to see others get good/better opportunities or to get ahead in life. Or perhaps there was no jealousy at all and it was just a matter of carelessness. Some people are very careless with their tongues, they don't think before speaking ...gossip may be due to a loose tongue and a careless mind.
Also, OP, I get that you care about your friend...but you're naive if you think that one's past should not be relevant in a rishta process. If there were areas of concern in a guy's past, you'd wanna know and so would your friend. You might choose to overlook the guy's past if he currently is a reformed person....but knowing the past can help u to make a better informed decision. But one has to exercise discretion while discussing someone's reputation...and based on your post, I don't think the auntis did that by talking about "back in the uni days." If they have daughters of their own, they should have thought about your friend's current image and if it's good...then don't bring up the unsavory past.
Your friend is not entirely innocent. She must have known even "back in the uni days" that dating...and especially an impression of active dating is very frowned upon in Desi culture and carries social consequences. She made her mistake in the past and auntis made the mistake at present.
Tell your friend not to dwell on this rishta. It all boils down to fate and this rishta was simply not destined for her. It could be a blessing in disguise.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
I posted a post previously regarding a friend who was under rishta process for 7 months and the guy side didn't finalise. I just found out that the guy's mother kept asking around what sort of a person she is. And few aunties told her that, back in uni days, she used to come up to their daughters and brag how hot she is for getting a new guy every week etc (which I think is total bull**** .. although I am not saying my friend is a total saint.. but she is not a whore or slut as described). Plus some aunty's daughter informed her ex boyfriend how she might be getting engaged. That ex went to the guy's house and told them about their previous relationship and said she is this and that etc .. and the guy side finally sent a rejection to my friend and gave that reason for rejecting.
Ok I don't know my friend too well. But I am sure she is not as bad as people are making her to be. I mean, here in uk, it is normal to have relationships as long as you are not cheating or sleeping with men etc My friend did tell me she changed herself and stopped talking to boys for past 2 years. Since she hasn't been out for 2 years and changed herself, I don't understand how her past is relevant to her rishta? Was it fair?
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
^Double standards though. Dating is prohibited for both genders, so it's despicable of the ex to go expose her like this to the prospective rishta. Does he think he's less guilty than her? Whatever they did together, he was a participant. It takes two to tango. UNLESS...this girl made some grave mistakes in her former relationship that her ex felt that a potential should be warned about. Gosh, what a mess.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Your friend left her ex because he was not "goodlooking, educated and decent guy"? Then why she was with him anyway?
And the fact that she is calling him her ex, which in normal terms means ex-boyfriend, suggests something else. We all know that the status of boyfriend comes with certain perks and privileges. Its not simple friendzone where you talk about weather, sports and politics.
I'm not suggesting anything but just pointing out some inconsistencies in the description you provided.
Your friend needs to move on and the best thing she can do now is to be honest about her past with the next guy. She should tell him about her past clearly before he/his family finds about it from someone else. What goes around, does come around. There will be some guy who might find her other attributes more valuable than her past.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Fair...perhaps not. Unexpected, no. What I mean is that it's not fair that she got rejected due to external interference assuming she changed her ways. However, if a family wants someone who hasn't had past relationships, they are entitled to that condition.
Re: Is it fair to reject someone based on their bad reputation
Plus I have a friend and he told me that once he asked a turkish girl at uni what sort of girl she is and the turkish girl said "she ******s **around with guys" ..